My brother who is caregiving for mom has left me messages threatening to commit suicide. Any advice?

Know your limits and ask for help. Nearly everyone who is trying to care for a person with dementia is eventually going to need some help and it's vital to keep in mind that caregiving needs to be a team effort. Whether help comes from respite care provided by friends or family, hired in-home caregivers, adult day care, assisted living or a nursing home, dementia caregivers need assistance. Without at least occasional breaks, neither the caregiver nor the care receiver is likely to have the best quality of life that can be realistically expected. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/8-truths-of-dementia-caregiving-158862.htm?utm_source=Newsletter&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=Newsletter%20-%20September%2018,%202013

I've been following this post and yes, it seems Taiwanda has gon MIA on us. Let us all hope and pray that the reason is that she is taking proactive measures to help her brother, and that her brother is OK. Everyone has given her so much wonderful advice and support, and maybe she is acting on it. This is reminiscent of the lady that "ran away" from her husband and MIL awhile back, and we were all so worried about her well-being. She eventually came back to us with good news, so hopefully we will get a Good News progress report from Taiwanda in due course.

Interesting that the OP has not made additional posts to clarify or even say that all this great advice is read.

I don't think anyone has mentioned this. Is brother on antidepressants? I agree with the other posters - bro needs help of various kinds - pay for his services, respite, home care, to put mother in a NH, but more immediately the threat of suicide has to be addressed. I have taken suicide prevention training. You always take a threat seriously - it is a cry for help. There are some who plan and complete suicide without notifying anyone, and in those cases likely no intervention would have worked, but for anyone who is threatening, the first mention of it should be taken seriously. I agree with Angelkw -call the suicide prevention resources right away and get him into treatment.

Can she qualify for Medicaid? I found a nursing home which is a not for profit. They only charge her as much as she can afford and they are working on getting her Medicaid to pay for the rest of the cost of the nursing home. There are some requirements to qualify for Medicaid like my mother could not have over $2,000 in the bank. She has no assets and no life insurance and she will probably qualify. I'm still waiting to find out, but the nursing home is doing all the leg work. They think there will be no problems with qualifying her. I lucked out finding this place. All the other nursing homes costs were $4,000 plus. No way could we afford that. I can certainly understand how your brother feels. Even though mom's in a nursing home, I'm still stressed out and have intense feelings of guilt that I chose not to care for her at home. Everytime I see her, she wants to come home with me. It's gotten to the point I dread going to visit. I have to make myself go. I do have a brother and he lives about 2 or 3 hours away so he has the excuse of not being close by. He calls mom sometimes, but doesn't come to town very often. I feel very alone and can relate to your brother. It's hard not to be depressed. I'm on anti-depressants so this helps. Maybe your brother might be open to trying some--it certainly doesn't solve the problem, but it may give him the edge to finding a way to deal with it and get the thought of suicide out of his head. I hope things work out and my heart goes out to you.

When someone threatens to commit suicide...believe them. Call 911. Get him help. You will never forgive yourself if he goes through with what you are considering idle threats...call the police, call a suicide hotline NOW and get him into treatment. This is no joke.

I have the feeling Taiwanda left the building as soon as the question was asked. We're all just talking to ourselves now.

If I were the original poster I'd be heading for the hills after reading some of these replies - all that blame and the anger. We do not know from this original question the details AT ALL of why the brother has done the caregiving for 12 years, what the OP's contribution has been or the surrounding circumstances.

Taiwanda, my advice would be to make clear to your brother that you are there for him and will help him to find a way to a manageable life and get help for his depression and follow through. The thing that drives people to the edge is believing that they have no options and no one will help them, so even if you don't have the answers work to get it through to him that those things aren't true. He may need to get on disability, he may need a place to live while retraining to get a new kind of work or maybe he needs treatment for depression, some respite care for your mother and will be able to continue as caregiver. Explore it all....you can do this.

Playing Devil's Advocate here, but WHY has your brother been doing this alone for 12 years? Where have the other siblings/family members been? What has their contribution to the parent's care been? Hopefully I am misreading the post and the siblings and family members have been paying the brother to care for their parents, have been going at least once a month to give him a weekend off, and providing him with at least a couple week long vacations a year.

Normal burn-out for 24/7 care is less than 3 years when caring FOR ONE PARENT so your brother is Superman and his Kryptonite is worrying what's going to happen to him now that he's dedicated his life to caring for them and can no longer do it. He feels trapped, desperate and alone with no way out. Keep in mind what this man has done for the other siblings and family members. He sacrificed everything to care for parents and now has no money to support himself since he's burned-out. And all this time, the siblings and other family members LIVED THEIR LIVES knowing their parents were cared for. What a burden this selfless man shouldered so his other family members could enjoy their lives.

Few people realize just what a care giver provides and how detrimental it is to one's health to take on such a monumental task. But it destroys: one's family life, social life, love life, job, and leaves no time for self, for hobbies, movies, friends, a chance to breathe without someone needing you. You can't watch a ballgame, or a TV program all the way through, you don't sleep through the night, in fact, you never get REM sleep, that deep sleep a body has to have, because you have to have one eye open and one ear tuned in case the person you're caring for needs you. You can't go to a movie with a friend because there's no one to leave the parent with. YOU HAVE NO LIFE, PERIOD, OTHER THAN SERVITUDE TO THE PARENT!

That's why Nursing Homes are so expensive, they provide round the clock care, feeding, bathing, dressing, walking, cleaning up accidents, making sure medications is taken properly, etc. in a safe environment and it takes a large staff to do it. Now, in a low economic state, nursing home costs are $4,000 a month per person and can go up to $15,000.00 for a higher economic state like California, so let's do some math here and figure $5,000.00 per month for a decent Nursing Home:

Dad 6 years is $5,000 times 12 months times 6 years comes to: $360,000.00
Mom 12 years is $5,000 times 12 months times 12 years comes to: $720,000.00
So, your brother has saved the family over ONE MILLION DOLLARS! SO FAR
And this only includes what the NH would have charged for their care, not the added expenses of medicines, doctor's fees, medical tests, laundry fees, clothing, toiletries, if parents had a personal phone and TV there would be phone and cable fees since the NH doesn't provide these and the list goes on and on. In other words, your brother has saved your family over 1.5 MILLION DOLLARS! Now, divide that by the total number of siblings (including him), this is the amount each sibling OWES the brother in the truest sense of the word. Of course, that's unfeasible. However, as I've just pointed out, HE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHERE HE'S GOING TO LIVE OR HOW! That is for his siblings who have left him alone in this burden to come up with. Supplement his income so he can move into a small apartment. If your family can't afford to do this, clean out a bedroom and move him in. If possible, he deserves a month long vacation RIGHT NOW at the other siblings expense and his choice of where! Get all this done now, before he totally burns out or does himself bodily harm. He's given his life to his parents and to his siblings, now it's the siblings turn to show how much they appreciate what his sacrifice has done. The siblings got to live their life the way they wanted, now return the favor and save this man who's done so much for others!

When a loved one ponders suicide run do nt walk. Tell him you love him, get him to go to therapy, give him respite and help him plan out his life. He can apply for whatever programs are available. Maybe caring for mom is a burden that needs to be shared, maybe you can help your brother, it does sound like he has been doing the heavy loading for a while.

Also, if Mom has medicaid then call medicaid and see if they have any "respite" programs in which they pay for it. The way I understand is they give a respite voucher for family caregivers to use. I haven't used it so far because my grandpa attends adult daycare and on weekends my sister watches him and he spends time with the other relatives.

Not all adult daycares will accept "government" insurance because they do not profit much. Most will accept private pay. So look around and see if you find something.

Take Mom to adult daycare so she can be watched so your brother can have respite. Look around for adult daycares in your area and see if they accept any of her insurance for example medicaid, medicare, VA, etc. My grandpa's medicaid covers up to 5 days of his adult daycare and it also covers his breakfast, lunch and snacks over there.

If your brother is depressed and feels that things are hopeless it is doubtful that he is in a position to seek help. Someone else will need to do that for him. Perhaps you?

Your brother is in mortal danger! He needs help now! Aren't there government programs that help elderly indigent patients? MONEY is NOTHING when you are dead! Can't Mom go into a NH on medicaid or something? Suicide prevention hot-line might have some advice.

Kazzaa, not everyone is like you. At least the poster came here asking for advice.

I've been helping father caregive mom since i was age 23. Last year, would make it 23 years later. Father had a stroke 2 years ago and became bedridden. My 7 siblings did not step up to the plate to help me. I was alone with 2 bedridden parents, yet my brother of next door with 6 grown family members lives within 20 feet from us. I also had to pay my oldest sibling to come here Mon-Fridays to babysit the parents while I went to work.

Your brother saying he's going to kill himself is serious. I agree that he's also indirectly asking you for help. About 2 years ago, I started Googling on the 100 percent way to commit suicide with no pain. I couldn't believe how many people out there on the web were willing to give advice on how to kill yourself. I would tell my siblings what I was googling for once in a while. Still no help. Last year, after months of research, and weighing the pros and cons, I finally found the perfect suicide. Once I found it, I stopped telling my siblings about my suicide. I started to perfect it to fit my needs. I finally had it down perfectly - when, how, what was needed, timing had to be perfect so that my body still identifiable, etc.... Everything was in place.

As for the money, i can also see his point of view. My father has told us that this house and land will be going to my other 2 brothers. He already gave oldest bro the land next door. So, I can see where your brother, after 12 years fear the future. Whatever skills or knowledge he had may not be up to par to today's standards, to compete with the younger generation.

He knows deep down that your mom needs to go to NH. His words already says it all. But he's also revealing to you that after 12 years of caregiving, he doesn't think whatever skills and knowledge he has is not enough to find a job for him. Yes, offer to help. Don't be so general with the offer. If he refuses, Insist. Do what you can. I'd also help him try to update his skills/knowledge by online courses or classes at your local community college. And I agree, please read around this site so that you understand your brother's point of view and have a better understanding of his world.

Sorry but dont agree with you looking after an elderly whether by choice or not does not mean the family just dont help out and let a carer spiral to this level of depression. personally I would be THERE with him asking him how they can help and give him a break straight away. We are each entitiled to our opinions and I know I would not be ona forum asking these questions but off my butt and getting him help.

Kazaa, that's a little harsh, brother has been caretaking as his choice at least in a way, and yes, respite is important, and yes, some depressed peole who atlk about suicide actually do it. It may be that brother will still be depressed and disabled, even if he gets full releif from caregiving, and could even end up feeling like the one thing he was doing he can't even do any more...sister needs to be careful, as much as she needs to attend to this as a crisis situation. Brother may need to find out how he can eventually get on disability himself or get himself back in shape to not end up homeless...

Im guessing you wrote what you did out of a deep place of your own hurt that went on a little longer than you could really stand it. Sister IS listening, sister has suggested getting outside help, may or may not be able to do a lot herself for any number of reasons, that's why she wrote!

So sorry for your brother BUT? why are you not helping out more? Looking after my mum with no support from family enough to drive anyone to depression and worse. If his siblings were helping more he wouldnt feel this lost. Noone can work 24/7 what kind of a sister lets this happen?
I had to lose it with emails here until my family started to listen why are you on here looking for answers get your brother help and look after your mum for awhile so he can have a break.
Find these posts hard to stomach shes YOUR mother too??

It sounds like he is at his wit's end, but he's looking at it the wrong way. That "money" is costing him his sanity. That "money" is preventing him from living his life. That "money" is robbing him of happiness....THAT is what seems to be the problem...not your mother going into a home. I understand where he is coming from on the one hand, but I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with him and figure something out. It sounds like you need to help him out - go sit with your mom for a week or so & let your brother catch his breath...if he's been doing this 24/7, he NEEDS time away for his sanity's sake. That is the reason behind those phone calls....he is asking for help without asking you.

The first piece of advice I'd give is .. read through this site, just to get a glimmer of what he's been facing and dealing with for the last 12 years. TWELVE years? Almost all the experts agree that fulltime caregivers usually burn out at three. He's a saint, at this point, for surviving this long. If you really care, when he says something about it, don't doubt for a second that everything behind what he's saying is his absolute truth. Did you ask him, "How can I help? I'm here .. what can I do for you?" and put action and compassion behind your questions. He has to know that you really mean it.

I don't know what to say beyond what has been said other than to add, I would not take these suicide threats as only cries for help. I think he needs to call 911 for help and explain his situation with taking care of your mother. Is he on an antidepressant? Has he ever said that he had an actual suicide plan? Who has durable and medical POA for your mother or does anyone? If not, this needs to be tended to soon, but I'd get help for your brother first.

The question Jeannegibbs' raises about whether your brother is disabled/on diability (or could be) is an important one from the standpoint of possibly protecting some of your mother's financial assets for him from a Medicaid standpoint. And I agree with Jinx4740 that if you can help your brother by paying for a consultation with an elder law attorney, preferably one proficient in Medicaid issues, that would be very worth doing. Given the situation you describe, it's no wonder your brother is feeling depressed, trapped, and very afraid of his options ... having a clear picture of what the real options are might help a lot to ease some of his stress. (So would getting some meaningful respite breaks, if he isn't ... ) Bless you for worrying about him and trying to figure out what to do to make this situation better.

JB, loved your post. I'm in total agreement with every word you said...the man needs help himself, and he's reaching out...something has to give...NOW. And lord yes, look into respite care, like JB said...he needs time alone and away, and is obviously desperate for it...I can relate. God bless him indeed... Talk to him, let him know that he's supported, too, that you have his back, and that the family is doing all they can to help him get the relief he needs. He needs to hear that, he needs all the support he can get to have hope... Please, for God's sake, get him that respite care. This is critical for him and his well being and life. I would hate for anything to happen to the man...especially after so many years of sacrifice and giving... *hugs your brother*

I get the feeling that your brother has been toting a heavy load all by himself. Has he received any pay for his time? Is there any way that the family could consider your mother's money and pay him for a bit of what the last 12 years are worth? It sounds to me like he has been used up and doesn't know where to go or what to do. It is time to give some care to your brother to make sure that he is well supported. Get together with the siblings and see what can be done to give him some financial and time support. He needs scheduled respite care. For what he does, he has earned a trip to Hawaii every year. God bless him.

Rock and a hard place indeed...

Yes, I would first look into getting him some in home care. Even a couple hours break can make all the difference in his mentality, and give him time to take care of himself and relax. He needs time to do some things he enjoys. That is a MUST for caregivers and this man has gone above and beyond the call of duty for your parents.

Are you close by, or in another state? I'm assuming you're elsewhere and can't help him by watching mom yourself... If the time comes that your mom's assets have to be used for her care, it would be a kindness to give your brother a financial helping hand if that's possible, or even allow him to move in with you. I do not think this man deserves the streets after all he's done and sacrificed, period. To do all he's done, which is HUGE, and end up homeless? Oh, God no. Do what you can to help your brother, please, when all of this is over...

Boy. He's between a rock and a hard place, isn't he. He has given up his earning years, and now he's screwed financially. Many of us here have done the same thing, and don't recommend it to others!

Does she own the house? There are rules about her being eligible for Medicaid and him keeping the house because he cared for him for so long and kept her out of the nursing home.

I'm assuming that you have a little more money than he does, but not a lot. If he can't get free advice from an elder law attorney, can you pay for that? Can you pay for someone to come in one day a week to give him a break? I'm sure you can't pay for the nursing home - no one can.

You and he can look for help through his local Area Council on Aging. Look on Google. Is he eligible for assistance because he is low income? Can the mother's doctor or hospital get you in touch with a social worker who can help? Someone needs to look carefully at his needs, her needs, and the assets available to figure out the way to go. With some practical help, maybe he won't feel so hopeless.

Is he disabled? On disability? Could he be?

Do you live some distance away? It might be good to go with him to see an elder law attorney and figure out the best ways to protect what assets can be made available to him, and still get mom the round-the-clock professional care she needs.

I truly do feel sorry for your brother. But mother's money is first and foremost for her care.

Has he been getting paid all along for taking care of your parents?