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I have been able to visit my mom 3 times a week at the memory care facility my bro put my mom into about 6-7 months ago.In the beginning of Feb. he told me where she was and that I could begin seeing her. I used to have Medical POA but now my bro and sis have it over my mom. I visit her on Tues., Weds. and Saturdays. I take my mom out on almost every visit to just get her out and about from the facility. They have activities now and then at the facility but my mom really doesn't like to join in, really never has been that type of person. She likes to get out and go places or watch other people participating in activities. My bro called me this week and asked me if I'm taking my mom out every time I see her. I told him for most part yes. Not for more than an hour or two. Then I bring her back. He told me that "Judy" some administrator person told him that it was a bad idea for me to do that because she will get confused that the facility is her home. Especially when she gets worse. She has ALZ yet is physically mobile and lucid most of the times. Her speech is affected by not having the words to say things but I am pretty good at knowing what she's saying. She doesn't do it all the time with talking. Her short term memory on several things is still decent although there is decline. She has problems with her long term memory as well but is still fairly high functioning, yet there is decline. I'm the one that got my mom to go to the doc to get a diagnosis whereas my bro or sis did nothing to help out.

Am I looking at this in the wrong way????? Why would taking her out now, while she can enjoy it, make for her to not realize that the facility is her home when I bring her back each time? Why should she be cooped up in the facility and rarely go out? When she lived with me, we used to go out ALL the time. Almost every day. Does this not stimulate her mind/brain and physically keep her active? If I don't take her out we sit and talk at the facility. That works too but it isn't as much fun or as stimulating for her, and I guess for me as well. I just want my mom to be happy for as long as she can be. When I visit her, she's sitting on the porch. Sometimes waiting for me and other times, not knowing what time I'll be there, just looking at the trees, sky and birds. Am I looking at it wrong or does this administrator not understand mental stimulation as being important as I feel it is? My bro doesn't ask questions just wants to go along with what Judy says. I want to question it. My mom has told me more than once to not listen to my bro and we can go out if I chose to take her. When I visit, I am there 3-4 hours, sometimes a little more. She refuses to take a shower with any of the caregivers, so I give her the shower. She has no problem with her doing what I ask of her. I don't tell her to do anything, I ask her. What am I missing here?????

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I spoke with my bro. He said he was told by several people and Judy that the person with Alz will have more difficulty and they get confused when they are out and that they do/did not want to go back to their homes. I told him I have been told the opposite by several people, however, two people said the same thing he was saying. I told him my mom and I have always gone out and that she hasn't said she doesn't want to go home. She says she wants to go out and get away for a bit. My sis told me just take her out an additional day and if anyone says anything then address it. In good conscience I couldn't. I needed to know. He said for me to do what I thought was right and what would be best for our mom. I told him I thought doing what we could do to make our moms quality of life the best we can was what is important. I told him if my mom starts or should become problematic I would tell him and I would speak to my mom letting her know I will continue to visit but we can no longer go out. We will have to do things at her home. He was for it, I feel better and my sis agrees. We finally all communicated the way we needed to!!!!!!!!! I am happy, for now!
Blessings
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My husband's neurologist, an internationally known and respected researcher at Mayo Clinic, encouraged as much activity and outings as my husband could enjoy. Every time we saw him he asked where we had traveled and what plans we had for activities. Routine is good and necessary (some days more than others) but novelty--new situations and views-- stimulates the mind. Our outings were as simple as a walk/scooter ride in the park or as elaborate as an Amtrak trip to Glacier. My husband enjoyed these experiences thoroughly. I certainly would have stopped if they upset him or caused uncomfortable confusion. Often it took him a while to recover his energy level ... he might be tired for the rest of the day after a stimulating outing ... but so what? He had joyful experiences and now I have the memories of those times.

Try to talk to Judy. Is she talking theoretically about what might happen if a resident is taken out, or specifically has she seen a negative reaction in your Mother? Because it really doesn't matter at all about some theory, what matters is your mother. Judy says this will be especially bad as she gets worse. If it is, stop it then. Treating her now the way she will need to be treated when the dementia gets worse makes no sense to me. Whatever small window of time you both have to savor her present level of awareness should be used to its fullest. That's my opinion.
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I understand what you mean and could argue it either way. I wish I knew the answer myself. We are caring for my mother in law with dementia. She lives next door to us. Sometimes we take her places and her caregiver likes to take her to the movies or out to lunch occasionally. I like the fact that she can get out, but 9 times out of 10 it results in several hours or sometimes a day or two of of her being upset. Seems to bring on the "I want to go home" syndrome and in general she just gets pretty confused and agitated because we are taking her back to a home she doesn't remember. She has lived next to us for 3 years, but thinks she lives in her old house when we are out and doesn't understand why we arn't going there when we are going home from an outing. Her DR told us that routine is very comforting for dementia patients. What we might consider a simple outing might be way too much stimulation for them. We have noticed that when we scale back outings she seems to be more adjusted and happy on a consistent basis. We are struggling with the same issue you are. We feel bad if we don't get her out occasionally, but when we take her out it often causes more stress after and she never remembers the outing anyhow.
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Good morning,
As long as your outings do not make your mom's symptoms more difficult to manage you should continue to take her out if you choose to do so. Many studies show that cognitive decline is slower in people who stay active. POA allows your brother to make certain legal, financial, and perhaps medical decisions for your mom. It soes not allow him to dictate every aspect of her life and behavior.
As long as you and your mom enjoy these outings and as long as they do not interrupt her medical needs you should continue as you are.
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Well, Bro needs to grow a pair. Just because Judy says no doesn't mean he can't ask for an thorough explanation. He's paying, he's a customer and it's his right to know what's going on. I hope he's telling you the truth and not doing this to show you who's in charge. I find it amusing your mom tells you not to listen to him!
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yogibear - to hell with what people thinks ,
keep on takin your mom out and about as long as she can and able to do so . as long as shes happy and knows who u are and rather be with you . then my gosh to hell with what others are crying about . geeze !
my dad dislike begin cooped up with bunch old people . it scares him ! he couldnt wait to get out of rehab and get back home . i couldnt wait either ! . i too took dad out , he loves wendys and loves to drive around jammin with pasty cline . hes all smiles ! i know ur mom is all smiles when shes with you . you ladies have a speical bond and dont let anybody take that away . tell ur brother to get over it ...

that just burns my ass ! those people at the nursing home just kills me ! i am the one that does the barking . they run and hide when they see me come in . one time i came to visit pa . he has been in the wheelchair for ho wlong ?? prob all mornin . he saw me he said oh linda plz put me to bed . so i started to wheel him to his room and one of the aid said uhhh what are u doing ? i said im going to put dad to bed , she said no no no he is not allowed to go to bed . my eyes got bigger and i growled , if my dad says he wants to go to bed then by god he s going to bed ! i will not tell my dad NO ! nobody tells my dad NO ! well it blew her away , off we go faa lala to his room and in his bed . ahhh he says , that wheelchair hurts his back !
yogibear - u just keep on doing what you mom wants and whatever makes her happy and yourself happy too . xoxo
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That's all I want to do. Do what makes my mom happy, however, I understand about needing routine, as well. I think I will talk to Judy and the caregivers first. If the CG's say there is no problem then I will go to Judy and my bro.

And, yes, I do think my bro AND sis feel guilty for not taking my mom out. If it has to do with money, three miles away is a park where she LOVES to feed the ducks and birds!!!

I could understand if we were gone for days or even several hours. But it's only a couple of hours and I stay afterward for several (30-40 or more) minutes to get her back into being at her "House" before I leave. Are they next going to tell me that seeing her 3 times a week for 3-4 hours is wrong, too????? If gas comes down some I will squeeze in another day to visit her, too. I go 180 miles a week to visit her and I don't mind it at all.
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Thank you ALL!!!!! My mom and I can tell what the other is thinking most times. Or at least she used to. I know we feel what the other feels as we have been so close for so many years. Since I was in my mid 20's, am now 51, my mom and I have enjoyed going on little trips or just going to a McD's to have a burger then take her home. She lived with me for a total of 8 years. The last time was for 6 years. So, we know each others ways. It was to the point I would call my mom and she had just walked in the door. Or that I was coming over to her house as as I pulled up, she was just walking out, she couldn't see me pull up from where her apartment was located.

My bro mentioned that he had regrets not knowing our mom better than he does. I told him to leave those regrets behind. You can't change the past and that what he has done with our mom within the recent months has been a good job. Though we, he and I and my sis, all got mad at each other, mainly because we were NOT communicating in a way each of us were able to understand, we have been able to look through all of that and see that our mom's comfort and happiness is what really matters. My bro regrets not knowing my mom the way I do. He told me the other day that he really hadn't thought about how, at an earlier age, I took care of my grandma, mom's mom, while I worked fulltime. For almost 2 years. My mom came over when I worked and as soon as I got home I took over. On my days off, I stayed home with my grandma, my mom had the two days off. Not time now or ever to have any of those regrets. Live life without them.

Yesterday when my mom and I went walking in a shopping mall, we were holding hands, we always do, she raised our arms and said, "Yeah, I'm with you." She had a great day as did I.

Without all of you giving me your support and encouragement, I probably wouldn't have talked to my bro about how important this issue is for our mom and me. I would have just done as he said. Thank you ALL from the bottom of my heart for helping me speak up for my mom and myself without causing a fuss or argument. We really handled it well, I believe. BLESSINGS!!!!!
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Hi Yogibear,
I think you should keep taking your mother out. You know her better than Judy does and she's only been at that facility for a short period of time. Sounds like she just needs more time to get used to her new environment. My mom has been in assisted living since January. I take her out as often as I can and she also attends a senior daycare twice a week because there is no onsite activity and she does just fine. I know everybody's different, but I say stick with the outings. Sounds like your mom looks forward to them, so I wouldn't stop.

God bless!
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Yogibear I am so happy for your family. You are absolutely correct about your Mom's quality of life, this really all that matters, it's actually the whole point. You understand your Mom and since you've talked to your brother about this, you can relax and enjoy your Mom inside or outside of her new home.

As a daughter too, I must tell you that my Mom does not have to say a word, I know what she is feeling, as she knows how I am feeling.
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