I've made a decision...just want some opinions from others here, please.

You might consider omitting the part about brother's hard feelings and just state the facts and needs. Brother will have nothing to attack or get defensive about that way, and sibs won't feel as much like they have to take sides or admit they have been swayed or misled by another person.

Be prepared to get resistance from your siblings. Don't get into feelings. Just state the facts. This way, they can't attack YOU for simply informing them of your Mother's needs. I would also send them a budget so they can see the shortfall.

Keep your email short and make bullet points. Easier to read.

Your responsibility is to let your siblings understand the need, request help, and accept what they choose to do. It can be a lonely and frustrating experience.

An informative email with specific requests for help (and without the emotional bits) is a good plan.

I think it is highly unlikely to be successful, but, hey, it is definitely worth a shot, and should be tried. It is only fair to your siblings and your mother to give them a chance to do the right thing.

Have you looked into whether Mother would qualify for Medicaid?

Thank you all for your thoughts...I do appreciate the advice on no emotional inserts...which actually isn't much of a problem because once I realized, several years ago, what his problems were with me...and that they weren't personal or even anything to do with me, I was instantly freed of any hurt or confused feelings I had in my growing up years. It's not an issue with me at all and I would be glad to never bring it up but I feel that, in this case, if I don't at least bring it on the table in a non-accusatory or emotional fashion, that it will continue to be the obstacle that is causing all this unnecessary hardship. His sisters follow his lead and I don't think they truly understand what his problem is with me anymore than he does or I once did. I'm not interested in altering his and my relationship or even finding a way to clue him into the causes of his own resentments toward me. They are his to deal with and someday he might have to. It's immaterial to me. But the fact that those hard feelings, EVEN IF they were justified, are pretty much the only barrier to my mom getting help from ALL her kids and having a better quality of life, make me think that unless I point that out, it isn't going to be realized. That's the ONLY thing I need him to realize..that his feelings toward me should not cause him to treat his mother in a manner less than he would if someone else was taking care of her, in the family.

And if there were no one else to take care of her, he'd have already put her in the nursing home and that would be that. My oldest sister and I both don't feel we can do that and feel right about it when it isn't the only option we have. I haven't talked to the younger one about it yet but I might bring that up in the letter.

When I moved in, I knew all the possibilities and could imagine the worse case scenario and then I still decided to give her my word voluntarily that I would stay with her until she didn't need me anymore. We both knew what that meant. I'm an RN so I wasn't being unrealistic nor was I uninformed. I knew what sacrifices would have to be made but weighing that against the idea of my mom wasting away somewhere (and she is the type of person who would waste away and give up instead of thrive in a social environment) while I continued breezily on my merry way made the choice, for me, an easy and quick one.

I have not regretted my promise once or considered reneging. I did have her in the local NH SNF for rehab after her second broken hip in January...only got her home on May 10. On May 12 she got up after sleeping off the exhaustion of coming home and forgot she couldn't walk anymore, tried to stand, and fell and broke her arm.
I hadn't been worried about her not being able to stand even, when the 90 days was up at the SNF because I knew we could manage everything if we got the hospital bed we needed because I had already proven to myself I could transfer and change her safely on my own. But the broken arm complicated things. If we had had the luxury of having the hospital bed waiting at home instead of having to wait to come home, we could have prevented that. We could have worked things out later insurance-wise if I had the confidence to know we could pay the first few days or weeks' rent ourselves.

When we were waiting for the EMT's my mom was crying and saying don't let them take me back there...to the NH is what she meant...she had been so homesick and was glad to be home even if it wasn't how we planned. She's still basically in her right mind as long as she's not fogged out on Lortab like she is now...she would spend the end of her life pining away, homesick, and I don't know how long I could take her sadness because I could either visit her every day like I had and lie to her which I can't...and try to deal with her homesickness...or I could just quit going altogether.

And in a nursing home, she'd quickly ball up with contracted joints and end up eating from a syringe and having worked with so many folks that had happened to...I just can't see letting that happen if there are ways to prevent it which aren't hurting anyone else unduly. She needs ROM exercises and she needs to have the best quality of life she can as long as she can especially because she isn't suffering dementia or Alzheimer's or such...after all we've been through, I realize her body is strong in a strange way even though her bones are frail. I am beginning to suspect she's got a few more years at least before she gives in or gets called home. That's fine with me...I just want them to be good years instead of bad. She's never had an easy life and she's always been good to all of her kids and husbands. She has not personality issues of any importance and she gave of herself to all of us and nursed two husbands gently to their own deaths...I don't feel I owe her but I do want to give to her.

The dynamics in the family aren't such that I think anyone's going to feel like they are taking sides, and I am going to make it clear that there is just one side, anyway...and that is mom's side.

I really don't think I'll get any refusal from my sisters once they understand. And if I let the other stuff go unsaid, I very well might. I don't mind if he gets defensive or attacks me...there is nothing he can legitimately accuse me of or attack me for, anyway, and since I didn't grow up with them, there is no tendency to fight with one another. Which a benefit, actually, of not being so close. No emotional crap and baggage is blocking the road. His is...but I think it can be moved.

If he chooses not to move it, that's fine, too...I don't think he could persuade the other two to NOT help their mom just because he's resentful toward me. They both know me well enough to know that I'm not here to take advantage of mom and they love her more than houses and money.

Well, regardless the outcome, at least I will know that I tried and did what I could do to make it better. I will keep you posted.

I wish you luck with this Babalon. I would echo what others have said that it is best not to mention the emotional stuff - you seem to think if you just state the truth it that it will be revealed and they will accept it. People's capacity for denial is huge and spectacular - your brother will not be quick to admit his bias or that he's withheld money out of a grudge toward you and your sisters will not be quick to admit that they have done the same following your brother like mindless sheep. People don't want to admit bad things about themselves. I like your approach that there is only one side, your mother's - that is powerful and they can't argue with it or feel threatened by it.

Yes, I like the 'there is just one side' tactic, too...which I hadn't thought of until it was brought up here so I appreciate all input that I've received.

I guess I should clarify about the issue between my mom's son and I...it is no secret in the family that he does not consider me a legitimate member of the family. EVERYONE knows. They just don't know why except for the reasons he's always given....and yes...the capacity for denial IS huge! I've seen it a lot in this very situation.
When I first moved in with my mom (essentially giving up both my career and personal life) I was declared a 'moocher.' That's just one example but it isn't a secret or something he denies. His problem with denial is rooted deep in the tragedy he suffered as a boy when his dad was killed. Only my niece, I think, and myself, have any clue of this. She overheard a remark of his one evening and conveyed it to me and we had a Eureka moment and after that, we didn't have to wonder any more why I was so abhorrent to him when everyone else seemed to like me fine. LOL
My mom, too, I think, understands, because she and I have talked about it at length in recent years. The only reason I spoke to her about it was that she was probably even more confused than me over the years as to why her son didn't like her daughter....in her eyes, I am no less a child than he is despite being adopted. In his eyes, I am in interloper that has no business as family. This had caused my mom a LOT of anxiety over the years so when I found out WHY I felt she would benefit from knowing, too, so she could quit trying to 'fix' things and maybe not be so hurt by it if she understood it all came from his own hurt, instead. I think the fact that it bothered her so much was the only reason I was ever bothered by it, myself, growing up, because to be quite honest here, I really have never 'liked' him anyway...I wouldn't like him if I met him as someone unrelated anymore than I do as family. I don't hate him, either, and I guess you could say that I love him in that general sense because I do pray that he can work out his repressed grief somehow, for his own sake, before he, himself, leaves this life. And I feel a lot of sorrow for him and knowing what he went through and how it has affected his entire life thereafter...he never got a chance to get it out or talk about it with anyone so he just bottled it up and it is still there. :-(

He and my dad didn't speak for years for the same reason...but before my dad died, he INSISTED that they make peace, for his own soul's ease, and I am told that they did seem to resolve it. Which I am glad for, for my dad's sake. Maybe even it was fake but it did the trick it needed to do, allowing my dad to feel he'd settled his accounts, so to speak.

I just don't see how I can't bring this issue up when it is the underlying issue causing the difficulty. If it weren't for these hard feelings, I wouldn't have had to ask for help because it would have been offered.
And by the same token, I have never asked for help, either...so that is my fault. But to ask for help without this being on the table is just setting myself up for denial based on his own continued ideas of me being a moocher, whatever.
I am not going to address his hard feelings other than to suggest he SET THEM ASIDE for now for his mother's sake.

That's why I figure it will help to suggest paying bills directly (which will also help immensely in that I won't have to mess with them at all) and the Amazon wish list because there is no money other than what's already been handled by me being handled by me. I don't want money. I just want help. So if he wants to say I just want money but I don't ask for money at all...and can show where the money currently is falling short (as well as where I've been able to actually contribute up until now), even if HE brings emotions into it (I can't see that but you never know), there's not going to be any good reason for him not to help his mother.

I feel bad because I asked for opinions and yet the one opinion everyone seems to be sharing is the one I'm bucking...simply because I perceive it to be THE obstacle causing all the blockage. I do appreciate it, though, because it is causing me to think on different aspects of this that I might not have thought of, on my own.

Gawd this letter is hard to write.
I'll have to do it a couple of times to pare it down. Even the bullet lists are out of control.

I really need so much help I should have asked long before now.

If even your bullet lists are out of control, that probably confirms that you need so much help that you should have done this earlier. Could you take this in stages, and not try to hit them up at once with a two-year backlog of issues and needs? You don't want them to look at the length of the letter and close down!

just dont burn bridges with your family. at times you want to strangle their dumb asses but when the parent takes a turn for the worse you will need each other.

For entertainment purposes only, as they say on those gambling websites & Psychic ads!!!

"Dear Siblings,
As you know I have been caring for our Mother for the past 10 years. In exchange she has willed me her house. You can't imagine how guilty this has made me feel! I think we should all share in ownership of the house. The only solution I can come up with is that each of us alternate caring for our dear Mother, one year at a time, in exchange for 1/10 of the house for each year of care. Your budget will be small ($1200/month) and most of it will go to Depends, etc., but rice & beans is cheap, filling & nutritious, and with some help from the local food bank, charities, food stamps and such you shouldn't need to resort to cat food (the texture is awful---and the smell---yuck! To be fair the Tuna flavor is OK).
We did try doing the begging on the corner for a bit - Mom and a cardboard sign (it said "I need someone to DEPEND on"...get it???). You'd be amazed at what a good actress she is ...she could even cry on cue and look soooo pitiful! She actually had a grand time of it but the local sheriff & APS told us to knock it off.

Please let me know which one of you will be arriving first and what day, so I can make extra tuna casserole for dinner.

Sincerely,
Babalon

I agree with everyone. This factual letter should be short and to the point, one page maximum. You are not trying to put a guilt trip on anyone..no matter the family history. It may make you feel better but certainly would not help family relations.

Simply stating your Mother's physical/financial needs and your need for time away is all that is required. I like the idea of making a wish list on Amazon or even gift cards.

Let go of the past yourself and then you will not feel it necessary to continue bringing all that history to the table. Taking care of your Mother is the primary concern; they will either participate or not. Rehashing "baggage" everyone is well aware of will not nothing to foster the care of your Mother.

If you feel the need for written documentation of all the wrong that has been done, write yourself a letter full of emotions and then burn it! Let it go and move on. Living in the past has no future!

Best wishes.

I would not even mention anything about you have POA or the house. It's none of their business. Let son be curious. Your mom finally had the nerve to change the POA. Do not go telling people that. It WILL affect your siblings and cause problem with your mom. Let it be. They can learn about this after she dies. I would not put it past them to put the guilt trip on her, or whatever it is to get her to change her mind. Just stick to what is needed.

By the way, I did that itemizing of monthly costs to my siblings for years. They didn't care. I'm single, I have a full time job, and I'm living free at our parents' home. I can afford to help them with the expenses. It's my "rent."

Whereas, they have mortgages and other obligations. They have their own bills and their own childred to care for. You're there for mom. Just as they are there for their children. Get it?

I'm not saying it's impossible. My way finally worked - 23 years later. Fave sis is paying for my car insurance ($2000). My oldest bro of next door USED to pay for our $300-some powerbill. Older brother is now giving $300/month to help me to pay for a caregiver on Saturdays when I work. And older sis buys me electronics (laptop, Nook color, etc...) I think what got them to really start helping out was when they came for an extended visit and saw how badly father treated me. I always told them this but it never really registered until they SAW it in person. Then they felt bad for me and started helping out. You see, father never showed his mean side to me in front of people. When my siblings/nieces saw it, they were shocked how terrible he was to me only and not them.

Stay strong, good luck, and as others have stated....be careful...You might not get the response you are hoping for which could cause you pain...If we ask the question, we must be prepared for the answer.

I am fortunate in my case, and I am thankful. I have quit my job as I was the one in the best position to do so. My siblings and my mom give me a salary, it's not what I had, but we make it work. I am 24/7 with her, but one of them stops every single day, and they make sure I have time away.

My husbands family resembled yours when my mother in law had Alzheimer's. My husband has 6 siblings, plus himself, which equals 7...My father in law use to laughingly say "we have a child for every day of the week should we need care"..little did he know that would never be the case. His family is very close, but five of them opted out of all care in regard to their mom. My husband, myself, his brother, and his wife provided 24/7 care with mom for four years until we ultimately had to place her in a wonderful facility. His siblings were of no help, but yet flipped out at us when we were placing her.....and so it goes....It took the four of us many years to get over the hurt...to forgive...

When we placed mom, my sister in law and I, went to a support group with families and a professional speaker. My sister in law shared our story, our hurt, our lack of understanding of their behavior, our feeling of being used. The professional listened, she was very quiet, and then matter of fact stated the following: "Not their problem, your problem. You made a choice to care for your mother in law, they in turn made a choice not to. They seem to be ultimately happy with their decision, while you are not. They, in turn, do not have the right to question your decision to place her in a facility,you must be satisfied with the decision that you have made to place her, and not spend emotional energy second guessing yourself. Just as you cannot make their choices, they cannot make yours. You are spending useless energy questioning the choices others have made, it is not your right to do so."

My sister in law and I were floored, we were hurt, we were upset at her answer. Years later, I must admit, it was the best advice I had ever received. We spent too much time judging them, while they spent no time whatsoever thinking about our predicament. Write your letter, explain yourself, and see what you can agree on. Be prepared for the answer, either way it goes. If you do not get the answer you seek, move on. Take care of mom as long as you can, spend down what money she has, if any, and consider what works best. You might want to consider a very good responsible college student in your area to assist you. A friend of mine uses this resource, she has found a lovely young woman who has been a god send to the family. She moved in for free room and board, provides care while my friend works. She has been able to earn money outside of the home which has helped considerably. It is a win win situation for them. Good luck, and keep us posted!

jeannegibbs ~ That's just the conclusion I came to last night before turning in!
That long letter idea has been trashed for Plan B which is short and sweet installments with the most immediate needs addressed first...only necessary details added in and the offer of being available to answer any questions (via email) in the meantime.
When I was talking this over with my BF who is also my BFF (LOL!) and my sounding board for all things (poor guy)...I told him that it was no more excusable that I have let the dividing factor influence my (un)willingness to address than it was to have let it affect me as I feel it has influenced my sisters.
In other words, although I am not one to like to use words like 'fault' or 'blame' in regard to myself or others..this is my fault as much as anyone else's and time has come to be bold and unapologetic as mom's advocate. Confidence isn't a problem but I am a Libra and therefore have compromised my position for the sake of family peace. I have no hidden marks against my caregiving role because I know without a doubt, outside of this issue, I have done the best I know to do with what help and support I have had.

And besides that, time is of the essence and I had this idea...what....3 days ago!?!?

Geez, Ani...GRAB A GEAR!

lol

horserider! You did my homework for me! I'm going with your letter and I'm sending it right away.


JK. But I'd like to...that is HILARIOUS! You've captured the funny part of this perfectly! Helping me to laugh instead of cry is true help indeed!

littletonway - you are so correct about the guilty feelings. It is truly my secondary motivation here being to do all I can to ensure none of us have guilt or regret when this is all over. NONE of us. I had some with my dad and it sucks.

But my primary motivation simply getting help so I must concentrate on the best way to get THAT. And if it doesn't work, I do have a couple of backup plans, as well!

Thanks for your insight and that important reminder!

sharonmit, your advice is excellent! Thank for you for sharing and especially what you were told at the support meeting. That is 100% correct. We are each only responsible for that which we ourselves decided to...and actually do.

We can't help our feelings but we CAN help what we do about them!

Letter (part one of ___) is written....now waiting for email addresses which I called the oldest sister to obtain and send to me.

She is the one who would be my successor if I could not be POA anymore and she was the second on the first paperwork my mom did so that's all cool as far as keeping quiet about the changed paperwork (which is DEFINITELY my favored choice...I won't tell if no one asks...I hope no one asks...if they do, I am simply referring them to my mother's attorney. He knows all of us.) She is the one I have been keeping updated because I knew she'd easily be able to let the other two know what was going on with mom, if anything. Only the major stuff did I bother with because the every day stuff is what I am here for. Still, I'd like it if there a little easier rapport between all four of us so that we could just have an information loop on like facebook and email to share all things about mom...sometimes she says or does something I want to share with others. I tell my bf and he knows her well and can appreciate it most always and if not, bless his sweet soul, he fakes it.
I want to share appropriate things with the other 3 kids, too, though, because as the old song says "we may never pass this way again."
They didn't get any regret with the first passing of a parent when they lost their dad...of course they were still all kids, the oldest just about to marry, and it being a total shock and unexpected tragedy, those factors don't really bring in a lot of the feelings you might have at the end of a long struggle with illness or old age.
I DID have a few when my own dad passed and so I hope that I can help us all have as few as possible concerning our mother.

Have someone else read the letter before you send it! I have written things that sound wonderful to me, only to have them taken "the wrong way". In hindsight, I can tell why. In advance, I need a second or third set of eyes. Use your BF and the sympathetic sister, at least.

Good luck. You do deserve help.

Yes Jinx! I had forgotten about doing that! Geez. That is essential, I totally agree.

Thanks for reminding me and your encouraging words, too.

Okay!!!

Good results from 2 out of 3 so far. The two would be my sisters. But I did break down and send the third a facebook friend request earlier today which was promptly accepted. So it might be favorable from the last member of the immediate family, as well.

At any rate, I am getting a little help already from one and the other said that she appreciated me being here for mom since she hadn't been. She is the one I was closest to as a kid and she isn't one to go into emotional details but I could feel that she wishes she were still nearby. She had lived near mom for all her adult life until her first husband was suddenly killed in an accident. Then she moved away and I thought she'd regret it and I wonder if sometimes she does. She ended up helping her new husband take care of his aging parents who have both passed already. I remember my mom telling me she was hurt and upset when that daughter moved away...and finding out that she was taking care of her in-laws...my mom wondered who was going to take care of her because I guess up until then, she had always expected it would be her. So maybe there is more to that between the two of them that I don't know about.

Things are looking up at any rate.

Hello. there are several programs that
You may qualify for due to Income.
Your mother could perhaps qualify
For reductions in her supplement
Insurance, the same with part d.
She may also qualify for snap and
Perhaps some energy programs.
As for depends, I've said it many
Times here, but we order the sams
Brand of pull ups. Large, 72 per box
Less than $32 box, and that Includes
Shipping.
Also many hha operate on a sliding
Scale.

While the above will not solve all
Your problems, it might help
A little on the finances.
Have you reviewed your part d and
Supplement each year. You could
Maybe save some.

Good luck

Thank you, busy. I have actually checked into everything I could find online, or through other sources, or have heard even rumors about in regard to assistance, etc. I am going to apply for SNAP, TANF, and LIHEAP; and in fact am in the process of getting the forms filled out to send to the local HHS office for a phone interview.

As far as the Medicare supplement insurance, we have a really good agent who helps us and keeps up with us. We reviewed pricing but it became obvious that it was best to stick with the plan my mom's had all these years because now she has a lot more health issues and the premium would be higher plus her age.

But I appreciate your suggestions and maybe someone else will benefit from them, too.

I hadn't applied for the Gov't assistance before because I didn't think I'd qualify without children - except for SNAP which at the time, we only got $30 a month and there were frequent LONG meetings to attend that, to me, seemed aimed at people with an IQ below 50 and I just didn't have the time to sit through them or the patience, either (not for $30). I still wouldn't but now the rules have changed and we qualify for much more than that, maybe up to $200 a month and I can do phone interviews because of my situation. However, my recent close scrutiny of the regulations on both the state and federal levels has revealed that there are exceptions made for in-home full time caregivers of older/disabled persons. And in the case of TANF, both the work requirement is exempted as well as the 5 year lifetime limit on receiving assistance.

I am glad to hear things look a bit brighter.
You might Check out benefitcheckup.org
Also needy meds and patient advocate
Good luck