Mom is feeling enough better that the OCPD is coming back out. As an example. She asked Betsy and I to come to dinner with her this weekend, and I gave her a tentative yes based on Betsy's preferences on time and day. So, we agreed to do Sunday brunch. Mom says, "Well what time do you want to come by and get me?" I said, "Well, how about around 12:00 on Sunday." Mom immediately came back with, "make it 12:15, ok?" My response was to pause for about 2 seconds and just say ok. This is so typical, no matter what time I would have picked, she would have shifted it. After a while this gets really old. I do not like being manipulated. Next time I will just tell her that we'll pick her up at whatever time and she can adjust to our schedule. Another example of this occurred back before she moved. Betsy and I were due to pick her up to go to a recital in Bedford, and she suggested that we show up between 10 and 15 minutes after the hour…5 minutes leeway? You gotta be kidding me. When I was growing up and she said she would pick me up after school at a certain time, she was almost never on time, almost always a minimum of 15 minutes late. But if I wasn't ready and waiting whenever she arrived it was as if a major crime was committed. I don't know if I will ever be able to make peace with that kind of BS, no matter who it comes from, but especially not from mom.
Classic case of do what I say, not what I do.
How about you turn that into a statement, and not a question. Tell her what time you'll be there, when you arrive if she's not ready LEAVE!!
I think maybe you have hit on somthing Pamela...turn the tables and BE the parent. What we say goes, whether she likes it or not...but do so in such a way to not be vindictive. It is so hard to leave 50+ years of being the child behind and be the parent. I never had kids of my own, so I really am at a loss as to how to do that. Thank you for being objective and seeing what I cannot. I owe you one!
Tom
Tom
"My Thought on the matter" - hope that change will soon take place --
Hap!
Tom
My mother does the manipulation-to-be-in-control behavior to me all the time. I let her do it because if I react to it, all hell breaks loose. She will go after me for weeks with some ridculous grievance.
I guess I'm in a pick your battles mode because it's easier for me to ignore the petty negotiation rather than confront it. I know what's happening and can see that it has been a gross malfunction of our relationship all my life.
I agree it's very irritating to be second-guessed on everything. But what are you going to do? Your mom's not going to change now. It's too late. The game's almost over.
In my house I am driven nuts by a parent that will ask 50 or more times a day if the "dog has been fed." To others who deal with much worse, my issue is indeed trivial but it is my issue.
If I were you I would do one of two things, 1. Mom I will be picking you up at 12:00 sharp so please be ready. or 2. Mom I will pick you up at whatever time is convenient for you, what time would you like?
You pick which works best for you.
Best of Luck in your journey.