Mimsey Asked July 2013
I snapped. I ran away. Now what do I do?
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Been 8yr caregive for MIL w/Alheimer's. Husband does nothing to help. Help me!. I can't go back. Have begged husband to put MIL in in-patient mem-care. Her ins. + Vet's income wll pay all, though takes awhile to get Vets. Ins. alone pays 80% for 100 days/yr., He won't even do that just to give me a break. I just can NOT go gack to house with her there. My husband SAYS and SAYS and SAYS (empty words!) he'll help, but he never does. I'm already taking Effexxor and Klonopin because of her, and am stilll a mess. I just can NOT do this any more. I left. I just packed up and ran away. Now and told him to call my cell when his mother either died or he put her into in-[atient care.Now what do I do?
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Now....it seems to me that the most important thing before you is your own safety...Hopefully, you're with friends or family that can be of emotional support to you, when you need it most.....Your final question in your post.."Now what do I do?".........Well, start by taking a deep, deep breath...n embrace the fact that you deserve this time, alone.....no guilt......just accept that you left.....n for ALL the right reasons.....You are important, valuable, n beyond worthy of taking this time for yourself....It won't be long before your husband realizes just how valuable you are, but that's not the most important part of all this .....What's important is that YOU realize your worth as a woman, wife, caregiver......Take this time to honor yourself......As caregivers, we don't think to honor ourselves, becuz we're always giving everything we have, to others.......You are a remarkable woman, having shown such strength, long suffering, selflessness, n commitment n loyalty to your family.......You have shown tremendous grace in your love n kindness to others.....Now, it's your turn......Begin this next phase of your life with your head held high, n be proud of all that you have given.....I admire you for leaving your situation ......n putting yourself first.....There are so many caregivers that you have helped to find their own inner strength , n many of us wish we could reach through cyber space, n give you a long, heartfelt hug......Me, being one of those caregivers..... Stay strong......n take as much time as your beautiful heart needs, to find yourself ......Everything will work out, just as it should..... In my opinion.....you're remarkable...........Hugs, hugs, n more hugs..... You're going to make it through this.......with all the grace that you always had to begin with.....Blessings........Beck
I went to care for my mother last Sept. At the time my alcoholic brother and my mother's significant were living in my mom's house. That made four of us. My brother was suppose to leave shortly within a month after I got there. He never did. My mother's significant was sick and not well, mean to my Mom and aggressive towards me. He passed within two months. My brother was abusive and played on my Mother's dementia and they both directed their abusive energies towards me. My mother began doing overt behavior towards me. It was a no win situation not matter how hard I tried or my good intentions. I thought when I left Santa Fe I would be caring for my Mom until she died but it did not happen that way. God's plan was different than mine. About the four month mark I started to break down. At six months, I realized the cycle was happening weekly. I called my other brother and sister to tell them I was leaving the end of the month and we needed to have a family meeting about our Mother's care. They came. In front of my Mother my brother asked me if there was anything Mom could do to have me stay. I said no. My brother and his significant volunteered to come. My brother asked me if I would stay another three weeks until they could be here. I said yes. We had my alcoholic brother And my Mother sign a document saying he would be out of the house in 30 days. My alcoholic brother left on a Fri evening. I left the Sat morning. And my brother and his significant came that afternoon. My vital force was leaving me and I could not make it stop. I felt like I was dying. And I was.
They have been there almost four months. My brother tells me consistently "how did you ever do this for as long as you did". And he'll say '"you had to deal with Chris Mom and Bob, how did you do it". My brother was angry at first when I asked for help. He would say things like, "how come you can't do this?" It was like even more bombardment. I was mentally shielding my arm over my head blocking energies all the time. it was very disconcerting to be asking for help and receiving the same abusive behavior only in a different form!
Long and short is Hooray for you! If you stayed you would have perished and no one would have lifted a finger. We must take care of our Selves. it does not mean we do not love others. You have taken great action steps. Nothing happens unless we do!
My Mom is now in an assisted living center thanks to the great efforts of my brother
and his beautiful significant. They are in the process of selling the house.
Let us know how you are doing.
I awoke with this thought this morning Mimsey, I am open and flowing, welcoming my Self and those before me in lovingness...
Stay true to You.
If your husband doesn't act, see if you can afford a place of your own. He will need to get paid help for his mother and at that point he may reconsider a placement especially if she is able to afford it. Either way, put your health first.
Elizabeth