Been 8yr caregive for MIL w/Alheimer's. Husband does nothing to help. Help me!. I can't go back. Have begged husband to put MIL in in-patient mem-care. Her ins. + Vet's income wll pay all, though takes awhile to get Vets. Ins. alone pays 80% for 100 days/yr., He won't even do that just to give me a break. I just can NOT go gack to house with her there. My husband SAYS and SAYS and SAYS (empty words!) he'll help, but he never does. I'm already taking Effexxor and Klonopin because of her, and am stilll a mess. I just can NOT do this any more. I left. I just packed up and ran away. Now and told him to call my cell when his mother either died or he put her into in-[atient care.Now what do I do?
Dear heart,
THANK YOU for rescuing yourself!
You set perfectly reasonable, firm limits on other's use of your time, resources & self.
Of course, others will not understand--at first...may get mad, may act out, etc...
...they want you to go back to the same-old-same-old destructive spot you had been in, to take yet more mistreatment.
It IS mistreatment, when those around you, who could help, don't.
STICK to your good, reasonable limits--
--otherwise, others will understand immediately, that you never really meant it about needing help, a break, relief, anything...and it kicks the door open for yet more abuse of you by others.
STICK TO YOUR LIMITS!
Frankly, even spouses who may otherwise seem sweet and wonderful, may not be so, as when under pressure in scenes like yours, they show themselves.
IF they will treat you like this under these circumstances, what will they treat you like when you need help and advocacy?
It seems caregiving elders at home, can often cause unstable partnerships to finally break.
OTH, it may help those who've been struggling with things over time, to become stronger, as we work through our issues more productively, prodded by the issues of caregiving stressors.
Please take care of YOU!
If you need it, get some good counseling, so you can learn better coping skills.
You can poke around online for many things that help...someone on this site posted about narcissistic mothers--it could be very helpful--could be someone else is narcissistic-- or not, if that's not what's going on.
{{hugs!}}
While we can all tell you BRAVO Mimsey for walking away, you have to live your life in whatever way you choose. Please just know that we are thinking about you and praying for you and the other members of your family!
God Bless You All!
It's interesting how, with no further encouragement from Mimsey, we all JUMPED at the chance to tell a caregiver to get out and not come back. Do you think we might be living out our fantasies through her?
Take care of yourselves - all of you. You're the best!
Carol
I tried communicating with hubby via email. (I wouldn’t accept cell phone calls & kept my GPS turned off.) His only email replies were “Please come home.” We finally met on “neutral ground” at a restaurant to discuss his mother’s care. My position then – and now – is that I am no longer willing or able to care for her.
After a lengthy, strange, discussion (more like 20 Questions several times over), I finally learned that Hubby’s being so dead-set against placing his mother in long-term care has nothing to do with money, as he’s always claimed. His real reason is that he “wants her to die at home.” Oops. Impasse.
We finally compromised as follows:
When we (I) began caring for my MIL, we built an extension onto her house for us to live in. Our apartment consists of an office/study, bedroom, large bath, and double walk-in closet, with our own separate door to the outside. The office/study of our apartment connects to the hallway of the main house. When my MIL is out of her room, I am self-exiled to our apartment or the outdoors. When she is asleep or off the premises, I enter the main house to do things I must do there (laundry, cooking, etc.). I do not see her, speak to her, cook for her, take her to the doctor or the hair dresser, help her dress, pick out her clothes, try to get her to shower or change her underwear, administer her meds -- nothing. I don’t even respond to her if she sees me and speaks to me. I literally do not interface with my MIL at all. Period.
It sounds extreme. And it is. But it seems to be working. I no longer have constant stomach cramps and diarrhea. I think I’ve finally stopped losing weight. No panic attacks in days, and I’ve been able to stop taking Clonapin.
It’s not a perfect solution, but I’m willing to try it until the end of the summer. (I feel better setting a time limit.) I’ve been so cut off that I literally have no friends in this entire area. But, I’ve started going places on my own or with one or both of my sons. I’m trying to get my life back and keep my marriage, too, in that order. I’m not sure if that is even possible. I guess I’ll find out.
Hugs and blessings to all of you for being here for me.
I commend you! She is not your mother and not your responsibility anymore. 8 years is long enough!