I love my parents but also need to get my life back. What can I do?

I echo BarbBrooklyn's advice to go to an eldercare attorney.

I don't understand why it is okay for your two brothers to do nothing. They didn't have to quit their jobs. Why is it only you that is without value? What would have happened if you'd simply said NO. Was it their idea that you move in with your mother?

Dutiful: Does your mom qualify for Aid and Attendance? Find out from the VA.

If she "makes too much" for Medicaid, you see an Eldercare attorney to set up a Miller Trust, also known as a pooled income trust.

Start working on this TODAY.

Two words... Assisted Living. Can't afford it? Then someone coming in daily to help them out. That's all there is to it. You love them, you can still love them. You do not have to be their caregiver to love them. They may not like it, but that's the way it is and has to be if you want any kind of life at all.

Life is hard at the best of times...and getting older is not the best of times I'm afraid. You have to think of your future, not theirs. That was their job and still is...

I am in a similar situation-gave up job, home, friends, my life--to move in with Mom and take care of her. She lives in a very rural place 100 miles from my home. I have two brothers, but here in the Bible belt South daughters are expected to take care of the elderly. I have no help of any kind from them. They very rarely call and never visit. No one ever asks how I'm doing or if I need some help. It is expected that I will do this and be happy to do it. But what I want to address is this: I read these forums and almost never hear the money problem addressed. We complain about unhelpful families, society's expectations, weariness and fatigue, isolation, and loss of self. But I don't think we ever put blame where it belongs--on the Medicare/insurance systems. There is no alternative to what we are doing because most of us don't have enough money to create an alternative! My father was a career soldier, a veteran of three wars, so my mom has Tricare for Life insurance. What a blessing! But it does not pay for elder care of any sort. She receives a pension from the VA and the Defense Dept., but it is too much for her to qualify for Medicaid and too little for her to afford assisted living/nursing home care. I am able to leave occasionally, but even in this poor rural area, sitters require $100 per day. The amount is very little compared to some places, I know, but if I try to go home for a week, that's $700. Mom cannot afford that, and, since I had to quit my job to move in with her, I am barely hanging on financially myself. Furthermore, the IRS gives me not one single break for what I'm doing, not even gas expenses. I'm rambling now, but believe me, if the government would take care of our veterans like they should, I would be out of here! This is more than should be expected from any human being.

MLH, your mom is wrong. Wrong to presume on your continued beneficence when you get nothing but abuse and more demands on you in return, and wrong to presume that good families never use outside help. I've learned on here that there are people who think facilities are places for people whose famlies don't love them, but it is abundantly clear this is absolutely wrong. God does not expect us to do the impossible, and the 11th commandment is not "Thou Shalt Not Avail Thyself of a Decent Skilled Care or Assisited Living Facility if Thou Needest One." There is a verse that says "As far as possible, be at peace with one another" and if one party makes that impossible then something needs to give. Your mom may have a right to your contact and concern, but not the right to destroy your health, home, and marriage with excessive demands. It is very possible that in addition to he physical ailments, she is developing enough cognitive issues that she can't see what is wrong with her logic, and she has either not had or is losing her capacity for empathy. "Sharp" is relative. There are families for whom living together or living closer works and works well. I did not take my mom into my home, but moving her closer so hubby, kids, and I could be more regularly involved was a great thing for us. BUT- If yours is not one of them, you need to take steps to end the nightmare. Mom could adjust and even thrive in a different setting than your home and you could become a welcome visitor and a daughter again in her life, instead of an overburdened and rightly resentful unpaid caregiver... and you could be a wife and homemaker again for your own family. The worst thing is that her QOL is not necessarily bettered by the fact that she is destroying yours.

JMLouise - no you are NOT wrong for wanting to have a life. Sometimes I cry or get so angry and say I just want my life back like it was before Mom came here. Thankfully I have one sister who helps me out quite a bit even though she works full time and another sister who will help out once in a while but the main amount of care is on me. I am seeing a counselor, taking an anti-depressant and ask God often to help me and give me the strength to do this and with a much better attitude than I have a lot of the times. Mom and I had a turbulent relationship through the years and she is very good at making me feel guilty. She is 92 and her mind is sharp but she has severe arthritis in both knees and rotator cuff gone in her right shoulder so all she can really do is feed herself and get herself to the bathroom. She will not even consider going to a home even though it is wearing me and my sister out. We are tired, depressed, angry, resentful and guilt ridden much of the time. My husband wants to retire soon but not if she is still going to be here. I have put her ahead of him at times through the years but feel like it's not fair for her to expect to keep us tied down and then just the fact of not having our privacy with her here. She told me recently that this is just what family does and that God would not be pleased with people who put their parents in a home. She just expects us to do this and if pushed will start bringing up all the things she did for me in the past. I was so upset because if we are making lists of who did what for whom, mine would be much longer. So she would rather destroy our health and have us rearrange our lives to accommodate her even though she fussed about one time when my Grma stayed with us. The last year when my dad's health was declining she complained about having to do extra things for him but she cannot see what this is doing to us. I am 64 and just feel so bleak sometimes because this seems like a nightmare I can't wake up from. I love her and don't want her gone but I don't want her living with me. I hate the idea of putting her in a home especially when know the guilt trip she would lay on me so I keep putting it off and praying God will show me what to do. I am so thankful I have found this site because it helps to know I am not alone. But to anyone thinking about moving in with a parent or having the parent move in with them - my advice is DON'T. And if you move them closer that also will be your life because they will need more and more care and you will still be tied down.

It's hard to become a "me first" person when you've been a "everybody else first" person all your life, but it is important for caregivers to remember that if we get sick, our loved ones will be lost! We MUST take care of ourselves...just like on the airplane, "apply your oxygen mask before trying to help others"....I am trying hard to learn this, too. I was always trying to win my parents' approval so I followed the rules, did as I was told, and didn't make waves. Unfortunately, I have carried that into every aspect of my life...work, my spouse....and it's very difficult to teach this old dog new tricks! But I know I have to learn or we will both end up in a NH!

Inthestorm, you wrote, "She gets irritated if anyone stops over. My sister in law came to visit this weekend and I jumped up and grabbed my husband to go out for a bite to eat. Mom thought I arranged my sister in laws visit JUST so I could leave the house and she made me so miserable, I couldn't even eat when I got to the restaurant."

My heart goes out to you, and I also feel moved to gently remind you that if you HAD arranged for SIL just so you could leave the house, THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! Mom has no sense that you have real human needs, let alone a little respite from her care. She does not even realize how much care she needs. You and SIL need to not feel such depths of guilt that Mom is cranky and demented. You are providing care she needs and no, she is not going to be grateful on a daily basis, if ever, because whatever judgement or empathy she ever had are fading with her cognition. It is hard to accept but Mom just can't be in the driver's seat or call all the shots. Though you can be considerate of her feelings and preferences to the extent reasonably possible, she should not have the power to make you guilty over having a little time for yourself and your hubby; she should not be allowed to make you miserable, and your emotions need to be your emotions, not what she thinks they should be.

That steady stream of negativism and the fatigue and stress of daily caregiving without a letup can really do a number on your perspective. But you have your brain working for you and can change your perspective. Mom...well...she won't ever understand that so much, and probably never did understand, really. It took me a long time to feel any level of comfort with the idea that I would have to just make some decisions for my mom and they would not necessarily be what she wanted, because a lot of what she wanted was never going to be possible...hugs.

ok momizz, ill bite.
i think mothers see sons as capable . there has always been a stronger bond between my sons and my ex than between the boys and myself. hospice sees me as an utter abomination but mom would whup the whole damn bunch of them if they screwed with me.. in any relationship there are disagreements and arguements. that doesnt mean your mother is being mistreated by brother..

I've been 2 yrs taking care of my mom almost full time. There is a day person that comes during the day but I take care of her nights and weekends. I've not regretted this decision. She has given so much for me it is the least I can do. At the time, I was going through some changes in my life and this just happened to work itself out this way.

That being said, I have, at times, felt stifled. Mom is a sundowner so if my brothers and sisters are here during the day, they don't get the full effect. Mom gets very agitated at night, often worrying where our 'guests' will sleep (no one in the house except me, mom and the dogs).

I have recently gotten a part time day job. it gets me out of the house as often as I want, I earn extra money and best of all, my mind is not on mom.

I feel extremely fortunate that most of my family lives nearby but it is sometimes difficult to ask them for some time off from care-taking.

Miserable? Not at all. Stifled? yes but working on it. Mom is 91, and I feel proud that I can do this service for her.

Thanks.. Your an amazing person. Best of everything for you. You have done what you can and have been available when you where needed. I hope that in the future your efforts will be appreciated.
Enjoy your life... We only have one.....

My last comment was to be directed at Anksana as well...feel for all who make good and loving decisions and reap the consequences of selfish and childish parents...one thing for sure is that those who I know who did take care of parents/relatives, even the nasty ones, did not regret doing so and found a sweet freedom and release when the time came...a collective "Hang In There" to us all !
The way I see it, the financial cost of our sacrifices is offset by the notion we did the hard, difficult and largely ignored work to make our family members more comfortable in their last years of life. And God please look on us kindly when our time comes...

@ CandyK- I feel odd for appreciating some of the details you share but there is a catharsis when you find others who are struggling in similar fashion which is the main point of this site. I felt like the only person who is being manipulated by an 85 year old parent. For example, after taking care of my brother for 2 years in my home (he was a homeless drug addict who would have moved in with my parents after he got sick which would have been disastrous) prior to moving in with my folks for obvious reasons- mom is bed ridden from a 2000 stroke and dad not able to do anything anymore due to his heart and emphysema...
Well, one day I was sweeping the upstairs patio and he answered the phone in the adjacent family room, not knowing I was within earshot. He spoke to someone he had not talked with in a while based on the conversation I heard. He did the "poor me" thing for loosing a son and told person X that it was so hard caring for him (whom he was always angry towards) but when the subject turned to me his response to whatever question he was asked was , "oh Wayne? Well I have not heard from him in over a year". That broke my heart completely- I took care of his son for 2 years to spare him the daily chemo/Dr. appointments, fed him, cleaned up the horrible side effects of the treatment, lost a huge amount of business, broke into my retirement at age 46 in order to care for brother and NOW I am caring for parents and he spins his tales of woe. Another comment that came back to me was him telling a neighbor, shortly after I returned, that I lost my business in San Diego and had to move home due to finances . This more than anything hurtful he has done in my life was the single most devastating experience. Pride, especially in men, is a real and difficult thing to deal with.
I read someone's prior post about allowing oneself to be hurt....I totally disagree.
there are some scenarios in which the hurt and pain comes with the territory of a decision made out of true love and concern. Family care-giving is not like an abusive relationship or marriage where the option to walk away is real, though difficult. If I were to walk away from here my mother, who is totally unable to represent herself- can't walk, can't talk much, totally dependent- and who is the single greatest and most loving and generous person I have ever known in my life, would suffer neglect and indirect abuse. My Dad dropped her in 2004 (left her standing in the hallway!) ending up with her having to endure a hip replacement...she has been through enough and I am here primarily to make sure she is safe and protected. Not to mention making my dad feel like the alpha male he has always been.
Sorry to rant on you but I related to your story so much I just wanted you to understand, as I was understood when I first came to this site. It is not so kmuch the "misery loves company" theory but rather: you are NOT alone, you ARE doing the right thing, you will NOT regret this in the future and you WILL survive to find a life of authenticity again. You just have to take care of yourself in the meantime....and the times can be mean...
Best to you-

Wayne, I deeply feel for you. I wish I could give you a hug in person. I have had a couple of my stories posted. Regarding my dad being in hospital and my mom at home by herself and wheelchair bound. I travel 2 1/2 hours each way to care for my 94 year old mother who is the MOST stubborn and impossible person I have ever known. I am an only child and at times wish I had never been born. I work full time have my own home and family. My dad has been in the hospital for almost 2 months from a shoulder injury from a fall. I wanted my mother to go to respite while he's in hospital. She would be safe and good meals and a bath. But NO WAY she was not going to leave her home for any reason. Certainly not to make anything easier for anyone. She has 5 hours a day home support but at times that's not enough. I have been travelling attending to their needs for 21 years now. My mother is a controlling bully and treats home support better than me. If she goes and will eventually have to go to a nursing home, I'm afraid she will be kicked out because she is so demanding and difficult. If something happens to me... She's done..... I don't know when my dad will be coming home or if he is at all, he's 86. I am exhausted from stress and trying to be 3 people dealing with this hell I had nothing to do with. My dad prolongs his hospital stays because he knows what he's coming home to. She will be picking fights in no time when he returns home.

I miss work from stress related illnesses. More colds and just being worn out. I am expected to drop everything and drive to the city and babysit my mother when ever something arises. There are many times I just lose it and cry until I can't see. Just out of stress. I look at myself in the mirror and I see an aging old woman with lines on my face that weren't there a week or two ago. She's killing me. I quite often just want her to go to sleep and not wake up. I want my life back. I want to have some fun but I can't because the reality comes back. I drink more now than I ever have to escape my crappy life knowing I have this constant burden on my shoulders. My husband is great but he has no clue about old people. His mom is vibrant, healthy and travels a lot still even with poor eye sight and she's 74. Once my mother passes I will miss her, but not this. It will be freedom.

Even as a child it was her way or the highway. I'm fed up being someones personal doormat. Mother or not. Some people think Oh, how can you be so mean to your mother? I'm not being mean, just fed up because there is NO give and take. Her life could be a lot nicer but she just won't do anything to change anything. Last summer my husband and I were out on our boat and the cell phone rings. Sure enough another getaway ruined. Dad was taken to hospital for another ailment and she's alone again. I should have said "To Bad" go to respite. That's what it's for. But I gave in again and we headed home so I could care for her "again".
She's impossible, selfish etc. My friend says she's needs to stop being a pain in the
"ASS" and get real.

Hang in there. I'm trying.. we are all trying to cope with impossible situations because we feel that we have to no matter what. But we can say NO..... we need to more often. Our parents guilt us into many things that we should just say NO.....
Thanks,
Anksana

Oh my gosh, I am stunned that there are so many people on this site that have given up everything and are in the same boat as I am. I only wish I would have researched before making the decision. I also pray alot and the next time God sends me a boat...I'm jumping in and sailing away.

Wayne2848 I so agree with you & I am in a situation much like yours but for longer. In 2002 I quit a job I loved in a state I love to move back because my father said "he needed me". A few weeks after I moved to this state that I hate and always have...he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I took him to all his appts, etc while my mother did her "poor me" routine. He's now cancer free for 5 years. In the time I've lived here it's been one thing after the next. Now, I am burnt out, broke and deeply in debt. I am isolated, miserable and angry. To top it off my parents are ok and they have convined themselves that I begged them to move back here because I hated my job and my life in CA. They really think they are helping me and daily they suck the live out of me. My mother is a hoarder and extremely narsisstic.

I feel that I've throw away some so many years of my life because I allowed them to guilt me into coming back here. The depression I feel is intense.

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER give up your life or income for your parents! You will lose yourself in the process and it's just not worth it. Joke is now my parents resent me and I'm stuck........absolutely stuck.

Truth is, our parents lived their lives their way and if they need our help, it has to be on our terms so we can continue to live our lives.

It is very difficult not to feel guilty, but remember, you are dealing with someone who is like a child. We have to set boundaries, make and enforce the rules with our children. Now that parents or a spouse or some other elderly loved one has become the child, we have to treat them the same way. Trying to draw the line between being the parent and taking away the elderly's dignity if often a fine line. Sometime my husband is childlike, sometimes he is a very stubborn adult. It's hard to know which one will come out when I need him to do something...take a shower, take his pills, get ready to go somewhere. It isn't easy, and I find myself biting my tongue more often than not. Remember, too, that you can't be a good caregiver if you are not taking care of yourself. Your health...mental and physical...are important. As they tell you on the airplane, put your mask on first, then help others. As hard as it sounds and as hard as it is to do, we must do this so we can help our loved ones.

we completely understand what you are going through, and bless you for the things you do, however you deserve to enjoy life, that is what my wife and i have decided to do, is to pull away slowly and start enjoying our own family and our marriage, which has suffered greatly for the last 10 years

JMLouise, I think it is important for you to understand that you need a life in order to help a life (your parents). To tell them that you are moving them close to you is not out of line. When my father died, my mother lived in Florida and it was understood she would have to make a life adjustment - just as I did when she came to live with me.

I think when it comes to taking care of the elderly - we ALL (including them) need to make compromises. In the "old days" elderly parents moved in with one of their children ... it makes sense! Good Luck!

Denise55...don't despair. Call the Alzheimer's Association help line, call the local agency on aging, research on line...there are ways to get help, but it takes a lot of time and effort and perseverance. I pray that the Lord will give you strength and courage, patience and hope.

I truly understand you, I'm in the same position now. I don't regret taking care of my mom but I regret not thinking of myself first. I gave up my job, moved 3,000 miles away from my 2 adult children and grandchildren. I am 59 years old and my life is done. No one will hire a woman of my age and I really have no friends here in Washington state and the few I have met I cant go out with them, Honestly I don't want to go out anymore. I miss my family so much but I cant afford to get a plane ticket for me and my mom and if I go visit my kids I want that to be my break! You know what is bad, I have 2 sisters that have not tried to help me, or cant be sure if I fly back to east coast mom can stay with them while I take this little break. So I guess I didn't help you, just compared my situation to yours. I have no husband, fiancé or boyfriend and will probably never will have one but I love my mom and hope God is really watching over me. Good Luck and my heart goes out to every caregiver on this site.

This is such a difficult conversation to have with our parents. You are not bad because you need (not want) to take care of your own responsiblities and livelyhood. After all, after they are gone, how easy will it be to resume your life if you give up everything now. It also sounds like you could mention the safety issue as another reason that they need to be near you or have in-home care. Anyone, I repeat, anyone who walks with a walker is a fall risk. There is a reason they are both ambulating with walkers and that is a safety issue. This in itself is reason for them to make changes. This is an issue that can't be approached in a wishy-washy manner. You probably should give them the options that you mentioned and stick to you & your sisters observations and decisions that a change has to occur. If you let them make the ultimate decision of where they want to be, things will be easier for all. This might not happen in one sit down with them. It is good that your sister will be around for awhile to give you support. Hopefully when you present your case, they will have time to discuss it between themselves. Then it might be good to let them know that you & sister will come back on a certain day to talk about this further. Also, they should understand that at that time they need to have an idea about there future so you four can discuss it. Please don't take this as harshness. You know it is time for adjustments andt truthfully, they probably do also. It is an elephant in the room and it just needs to be addressed lovingly and compassionately. This is the last thing any of us want to have to bring up to our parents, as much as we love them. However, remind them how much it would help you. That could add another layer to their thinking about future. I pray that all goes well with a positive outcome for you all.

I also mention home health agency, which you can initiate through their Dr. I am assuming that they are mostly homebound. The agency can do an eval and add support to you & sister's eval. Talk with their Dr.s office and find out what help you could get from an agency to support you. Many insurances pay for that kind of care, also.

It is very important to be absolutely sure that giving up everything to care for an elderly parent (or aunt/uncle, grandparent, sibling) is the right thing to do for you and for them. Unfortunately, you cannot rely on what the needy person is telling you because (1) they may be playing on your emotions or (2) they may not even know what they are telling you five minutes later. If you can't personally observe what is going on, you need to rely on a professional who can assess the situation objectively. I know that isn't always easy, but it will be for the best in the long run. My husband is going through all kinds of tests and evaluations by professionals right now so we can determine exactly what the problem is and the best course of action. He is not always cooperative, denies he has any problems, and thinks all is right with the world...it's frustrating for me, but I am just praying and hoping that all of this will lead to some help for both of us...because I am not coping well with all that has happened in the last 2 months. It is taking a toll on my physical and mental health, and I can't afford that. I am only 61; my husband is 78 and I need to get things back in order so I can get a job, get health insurance and try to have some semblance of a normal life without worrying what is happening at home with my husband. When we decided to move back here to FL, I had planned on working ASAP. I was not able to find a job, and now it's a blessing that I didn't because I would have had to quit to deal with what is going on. But I need to look to the future, too, because we can't afford for me to stay at home indefinitely. Our "emergency fund" continues to dwindle with no source of replenishment. Until I can get my husband stabilized, get some care...whether in home or in a facility...I am trapped in a situation that is out of my control. We all need help, and I am trying the best I can to get whatever help I can for both of us! I pray a lot, for sure!

Several months ago I was going to willingly give up everything I have to move 3 hours away to take care of my father and step-mother. My dad had been crying on the phone and in person when I went to visit. . .he said he didn't even know what to cook anymore and that my step-mother's care was just too much for him. After talking to my siblings (one said to go and the other said not to go), I started packing and making arrangements to live within a block from them. By the grace of God, my father got into a snit. . .said he didn't want anyone in his house or his kitchen or helping him with anything! Now, this is after talking to him in great lengths about my move - which, at the time, he was so grateful for! I unpacked, stayed put, then went to the senior facility where they live and had a heart-to-heart talk with the administrator. They would have to step in themselves - but eventually found out they are only there to provide what my dad is willing to accept. They have assisted living (which he rejects) and so. . .the two of them sit without participating in any senior activities or going to the gym, which is five doors down from their apartment, and eat a diet that only contributes to their health problems. I say - God, thank you for your devine intervention!!! I would have tried to make things better for my dad and had a miserable life in doing so. If parents are enjoying life, their surroundings, and can accept your help - wonderful, but if you are feeling "taken" and there is nothing in return in the way of happiness or gratitude. . .stay put, go on with your life and figure out a way for someone to come in to clean or be a monitor of their well being. . . I am in my mid 60's and - what time I have left on this earth - I want to keep myself positive and healthy and in a frame of mind that will not let me get into the place that my father has chosen to be! Good luck. . .look forward to reading more about what you are proceeding with and ideas that others have. I say pray a lot!!!

Contact you local agency on aging and ask for resources for help with everything. don't let any stone unturned. There is help out there, but you have to seek it out and take advantage of it. Elderly parents probably worked very hard to have the home they are in along with all the personal things that are there. This is their comfort zone and their life-long goal. Asking them to give it up is hard, but necessary for everyone's health and safety. Elderly parents, as well as spouses who are ill, might be very good at making us feel guilty. However, I don't believe they MEAN to do this...it might be how we interpret it or how we react. Try a support group, too. You will learn a lot just listening to others. There are so many resources out there and it takes a lot of time to sort through it all, but if you want to maintain your own health and sanity and your parents', you need to do this. Good luck and God bless!

I totally feel for you. I am in the same situation. I have a 2 1/2 hour plus drive both directions to my folks home to take care of all their needs. My dad is in the hospital and has been for 2 months now with a fractured shoulder from a fall. My mother refuses to go to respite no matter how much work it is or how much time it takes. I have been travelling back and forth for over 20 years now and I've had enough of them constantly relying on ME to fix all their problems. I work a full time job, have my own home to take care of and my husband. I wanted them to consider moving into assisted living only 15 minutes from where I am but NO WAY!!!!!! They are not moving for any reason. My mother is in a wheelchair and alone at the moment. The last time this happened was in 2010 when dad was in the hospital for 4 1/2 months. I took 5 months off work at was told that I would no longer have a job if I didn't return to work. He has been hospitalized 4 times since then and I am forced to leave my mom in the hands of care aids to fix her meals and what not. My mother is VERY DIFFICULT to deal with. She is a 94 year old spoiled brat. She expects me to be there for everything that happens but will not go to respite. I am 58 years old tired and fed up. I am an only child. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I wasn't in the door at home for less than 4 minutes until another fiasco... The kitchen sink is plugged up. It was fine when I left 3 hours ago but now it's plugged. Suspected that a careless home worker has dropped something down the drain and will require a plumber to fix it. Because of stupidity another plumbing bill. What next?????? I can't take anymore extended time off for months on end or I'll be in the unemployment line. I was told at work to make other arrangements for their care because there are other options.

I have just moved my parents to an assisted living facility near my home. I was traveling 1 hr round trip through heavy traffic to see them daily and assist with laundry, cleaning, bills, etc. etc. They are still grieving over leaving their home of 50 years but can acknowledge how nice it is that I can see them sometimes twice a day and really visit rather than do chores - and I am home in 5 minutes!!! It sounds as if you parents may need social outlets as much or more than they need a caregiver at this point in their lives. You should begin exploring options - many will allow small pets. And if your father was a vet there may be some financial assistance available. Carefully explore the cost of in-home help coupled with the expenses of maintaining their home and then compare with the monthly cost of an independent/assisted living program - you may be pleasantly surprised. Be sure to carefully look at the "residents" and social programs available as well as the facility to make sure it is a good fit. My dad can walk out the back door with his fishing pole - something he hasn't done in years. Many are a mix of independent/assisted living and have options for purchasing just 1 up to all three meals/day. My parents apartment looks almost like my 26 year old son's apartment with the addition of grab bars, a raised toilet, walk-in shower, etc. You would want to make sure there is a good mix of residents and a good social program. My parents have their car in the lot and can leave any time. They can also choose to take the free transport for shopping, church, or local doc trips. They have their own furniture and pictures on the wall and their bird feeders right outside the window! And, most importantly - I can sleep at night and enjoy my time with them in their last years. I cannot say enough good about the move to assisted living but know that it will not be- an easy sell to your parents. You need to look toward the future - while none of us like to admit it, when our parents begin to age their needs for assistance will increase with time. It may be better to make the move now while they may be a bit more resilient. If none of your sibs are local, they may appreciate your wanting them to be closer so you all can enjoy more quality time together. In the end you have to make the right decision for your parents AND you. As my mother's doctor reminded me - when you were young your parents had to tell you no when it was for your own good. You may have gotten angry and been resistive but you still love them today. It is now time for your to make decisions that are for your parents' own good. They may become angry and resistive, but they will still love you tomorrow. Good luck.

Don't have them move closer to you. My parents did that at it was the worst 3 years in all our lives. They ended up moving back - my mother told me she wanted to drive home and not be sent home in a box. At that point they really could not care for themselves - my father had dementia and my mother was blind from macular degeneration. A normal 12 hour/2 day drive took them 3 days - they got lost, I had to call onstar - it was horrible but it was what they (I guess manily my mother wanted). They ended up having to get 24/7 help after about a year back home. I stayed out of it - would call once in a while - I did what I could while they were here but I am/was not responsible for their happiness. BUT then my dad fell, the fall made the demenita much worse and my sister decided to be the hero and bring them back up here. My dad lasted about 1 month and now my mother is back here, 24/7 help and hates it - tells me everytime I see and call her. My sister is barely around - she is the type to jump on the white horse then disapear when things get ugly. I now have power of attorney but would do anything to ship my mother back home and be done with her - it sounds awful but she is miserable, makes me miserable, she has no quality of life - she does nothing, has no friends and I am the only person who visits her. The guilt of all this is killing me. Well I doubt this helped you but good luck. I sorry I turned it all into me -

My mom would have never taken care of anyone either. She didn't and she would have told you that my father would never have allowed it, which is true. But I still believe she would have never done it. When dad became ill, she looked at me and said, "I can't take care of him," and he died in a nursing facility. Her mom died when she was young and my father's parents and their parents all went to a nursing home. All of my grandparents passed away in a nursing home. The dementia makes my mom believe she is not a problem and yes, I bathe her, comb her hair, dress her, make her wash her face, brush her teeth, give her all of her pills, all of her meals, and she just sits in a chair and watches TV. She manipulates me by saying, "I can do this on my own, you know," but she won't because she can't. Every time it is bath time she says, "I just had a bath yesterday."

She gets irritated if anyone stops over. My sister in law came to visit this weekend and I jumped up and grabbed my husband to go out for a bite to eat. Mom thought I arranged my sister in laws visit JUST so I could leave the house and she made me so miserable, I couldn't even eat when I got to the restaurant. She insul;ted my sister in law because all she could think about was that I hired a baby sitter and she does not need a baby sitter EVEN THOUGH she cannot find the bathroom a couple of feet away. That is how controlling she has become. If I even tried to bring someone in to help me, she would make my life so miserable, it is not worth it. She just sits and calls all of the shots. The more I write this, the more I realize how NUTS this has become.

I have had her for almost 3 months now, and when I talked to my sister, she claims she can only do a month. It is true. A month is more than enough time without a break.

The denial that comes from dementia is so irritating...you stand in front of her and think she is doing this on purpose. Is she? Isn't she? "What the hell," is all I can say sometimes. If I agree with her, she says I don't believe her. If I argue with her, she says I don't believe her. She hates women. She never had friends from what I can remember. If I bring in someone to help me, what are the chances I can find a man and then I do not think that is going to work out either. I am the only person she wants to take care of her. I AM IT. She has manipulated me to no end. I would love to find someone like me to take care of me.

JMLouise - I think the answers here make total sense and should give you some good tips and ideas to hopefully remedy your situation. All I can do is echo the most important thing said: DON'T FEEL GUILTY! Go ahead and live your life and let your parents know that of course you care about them and will help them "as much as you possible" and as necessary, but that you cannot stop living your life to live with them. Best of luck to you! Nancy