At 94 she wasn't taking good care of herself with meds and meals, etc. I live 4 hours away and couldn't check on her often. She fell and broke ribs and laid on the floor for about 6 hours before a neighbor found her. Dr. said she couldn't live alone anymore because of her dementia. I moved her to a very nice assisted living apartment complex near me where she gets wonderful care and I and my kids and grandkids visit her. She is very depressed and unhappy and wants to go back home. She will be 95 in a couple of weeks and has enough memory to make herself miserable with thoughts of her house. I visit her almost every day and try to make her happy but she keeps lamenting about her house. I feel guilty for making her so unhappy and I wonder if I made the right decision. I have a sister who lives very far away and can't visit often. But we both call her every evening. I feel bad for her because she doesn't enjoy TV anymore and she doesn't read anymore either. She works on jigsaw puzzles constantly and that is her only past time. The other residents don't do much either. They just sit around and don't converse much. Weekly there are bingo games and other activities but on the weekends there is NOTHING for those residents to do and I can't blame her for getting depressed. Your input would be appreciated. Thanks.
I get the feeling, after reading all the above posts, that I am not going to make any friends on this message board by saying what I am about to say, but we made the decision to take my Dad out of an ALF. He had been there for two months after a minor stroke. He has made enough improvement that we feel, with the necessary supports in place, he will be happier at home. We will get him a "Lifeline" monitor that sends an ambulance if it senses a fall and there is no further movement.
In his condo building (his home), he knows almost everyone. He knows the postal delivery worker and the superintendent. From the residents to the postal lady and everyone in between - they are all different ages and in different stages of life and have their own stories and perspectives to share about LIFE. Hanging out in the lobby chatting with whoever walked by (everyone was very kind and would visit with him whenever they could) was more dynamic than hanging around with people his own age who are mostly unhappy because of where they are now living. In the ALF, he totally lost interest in absolutely everything! He used to listen to audio books - up to 8 a week before the stroke. He hasn't finished one book since he entered the place 8 weeks ago. He doesn't even "watch" TV, therefore he never seems to know what day of the week it is. Because everything is done for him, he has no dirty dishes to wash, no laundry to do and therefore can't spend a few minutes hanging his laundry on his portable drying rack; he doesn't ask me to help him make his bed up with freshly laundered linen, he has nothing to dust and tidy; all the things he used to do to occupy his time pre-stroke. Although the home offers "activities", most of them are useless to him. He is not religious, so church services and prayer meetings are out of the question, he cannot see to play cards or bingo. It was the puttering around in his own apartment and doing little things for himself and chatting up his neighbours that made life worth living. He just hasn't been interested in life since moving in there.
The medical establishment and the assisted living industry all seem to focus on "safety", as if that is all that living should be about. If there is no purpose to life, then what is the point? Someone also mentioned that you should stay away for three weeks(!) to let your mother adjust. That reminds me of how, as parents, we are advised to treat our children when sending them off to summer camp - cut all modes of communication so they can settle in and forget about you for a while. That psychology is fine on children who we are training to become adults. What are we training 90 and 95 year old people to get used to?? They only have a few years left and we are going to "train" them in three weeks to stop missing us as if they have 30 years still ahead of them? The head of nursing at the home suggested that I not visit for a while and I bristled then at the idea.
All of that being said, however, we are keeping his room on reserve for a month while we try him out at home.
And I do understand there is a difference in our situations - you live 4 hours away while I am only 1.5 hours away from my dad, so I think that makes a difference. And it sounds like your mum was pretty alone when she was living in her own place. You are feeling the same way about your mum being the ALF as I was with my dad and I think the basis of my entire diatribe here is that I wish Assisted Living establishments tried harder to give their residents actual "purpose" when they are living there. But everything would just be too difficult and time consuming and some of these things might even be, heaven forbid, "unsafe". But wouldn't it be nice if they could dig up a corner of the yard and plant some vegetables or pretty flowers and let those interested, tend to a corner of the garden? Instead - they hire landscapers. Wouldn't it be nice if they had three dogs and five cats who wandered around and the residents took turns feeding them and taking them for walks (those that could)? How about an after-school daycare where the children of staff could come and hang out with the residents? What about letting residents who are able to help out in the kitchen (could be as simple as washing fruits and vegetables) or assist in setting the tables for meals? No, all of this would pose too many problems, instead of looking at these things like a challenge! But this would all be more interesting than bingo and sing-alongs! In my humble opinion.
I am sorry, helpme1, I didn't help you with your guilt. But I am truly going through the very same situation at this very moment and I am outraged that safety seems to be the only mantra. Safety, obviously, is important. But so is Purpose. I wish homes for the elderly could see this.
We can't make our parents happy; we can keep them safe, fed, clothed and out of danger. Happiness? That's something that people have inside.
Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist ? It sounds as though depression may be a problem.
Is once a week bingo really the only activity? My mom's lace had religious services, crafts classes, a stock market club, college students who came in to lead discussions. Maybe there is a more attractive options in your town.
Your mother could have broken her hip. She could have laid on the floor for longer than 6 hours. It could have been winter and if she had no blankets nearby she could have become hypothermic.
A situation somewhat similar to that worse case scenario did happen to an acquaintance. And it was bad, very bad. She was lucky she survived.
If you hadn't placed your mother in an AL facility, wouldn't you be worried that another fall might occur, and could be worse?
Didn't you do it because you wanted her to be safe? Wasn't that the primary purpose? And is she better off and safer now?
These are legitimate reasons, even though it may be difficult to keep them at the forefront of your thoughts, and even though your mother may be unhappy in her new home.
There are times when decisions have to be made on what's the better of 2 or more options, none of which are the most desirable. But one is safer. That's the choice you made.
My mother was unhappy about being in a SNF for rehab, but she was nonweight bearing for 6 weeks after a fractured leg. We were all upset about it, but knew that Dad couldn't take care of her at home, and she wouldn't have healed. That would have been worse than being in a facility.
Try to keep the positive thoughts of why you made the decision more dominant in your consideration so that eventually they'll "tip" the scale toward thinking of how you've helped her, and that you've chosen the best route even if it isn't the most happy one for her.
And I know it isn't easy. Guilt seems to be an almost everpresent emotion for caregivers.
You might also bring her favorite music on CD or cassette and play it for her while you're with her, or when you leave so that your departure is replaced by her favorite music. It might ease the transition.
If the facility has pet therapy, ask the activities director or staff to make sure some animals visit your mother.
My mother is 96, but her nursing home has entertainment quite often. I know she is safe, well fed, clean and dressed. She wasn't when she was at home.
No guilt, no how. Your are their savior.
If she does ask the direct question you ought to tell her the truth, and then dwell on the upside that she now has loads of cash in the bank and need never worry about a bill? AND that the new owners are taking good care etc.
But, poor dear, she has dementia, and her reasoning and thinking is all messed up. She may never reach the state of contentment that my mother has reached.
No doubt about it. Mom has been dealt a bad hand. Feel sad for her. But guilt? Here is the truth. It is the Dementia that has dealt this awful hand. It is Not Your Fault. You are doing the absolute best you can to give her a chance at happiness in her final years. Her inability to take that chance (at least at this time) is Not Your Fault. (Not her fault either, of course.)
Guilt saps your energy. Try very hard to shake it.
As to "happy" vs "safe", there is a wonderful book by Atul Gawande called something like Being Mortal which discusses just this topic. Indeed, in some ALs and even NHs, there ARE gardening activities, opportunities to help out etc. I believe that this will become a greater part of the Eldercare "Industry" in the future. But as adult children, many of us seniors ourselves, we are limited by time, distance, other obligations and money as to what we can do for our parents and other elderly relatives. I believe that our obligation is to make sure that they are SAFE. Happiness is a quality that one carries within and can't always be delivered as can a warm bed or a plate of food. And something that I notice a lot in these posts, the folks who seem to try the hardest to provide "happiness" for their parents are the poor souls who have narcissistic parents, people who will NEVER be satisfied with ANYTHING.
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