I’m a 68 year-old widow of six years caring for my 97-year-old mother-in-law. She has neuropathy or lack of feeling from below her knees to her feet. She continues to drive. She has had two claims in the last two years for ripping off a Sideview mirror, and ripping off the front bumper, which she said someone else did to her car. She lives in a townhome with a bedroom and full bath, upstairs and laundry in the basement. She’s very hard of hearing and has fallen numerous times in the last year - in 2020 she broke her arm after fall and has hit her head each time she falls. Every time no damage to her head except much bleeding and an huge bump and then she recovers. She was the victim of a phishing scam recently which made the bank shut down her online account and made her have her computer scrubbed. One day she says she’s ready to give up the car, the next day she’s not - one day she said she’s ready to look at senior living places the next day she’s not. We’ve seen about 6. Every day she says she just wants to die - she has hip pain, and a blood disease but otherwise is relatively ok. She says she does t want to be a burden but she is as I’m always on high alert. When my husband got sick with cancer, she changed her will so that my children are her only heirs- prior to that her estate was split between my husband and the children. When she falls or has a doctor’s appointment or messes up her computer or needs yard done or the car fixes, she calls me. I’ve been trying to get her to move to an independent/asssited living facility five minutes from my house as she lives 30 minutes from my house now and very often I have to run over quite late at night due to some emergency. She is starting to get very short with me. I don’t think she should be driving. I don’t think she should be living in a two-story dwelling. My daughters and all her family agrees. I’m all she’s got locally. She wants to maintain her independence and says “you think I’m stupid “. I know I am with my rights as her POA to at least make her buy, a life alert, a stair lift and a first floor laundry or at least hire a caregiver that will do her laundry do her shopping things like that. She does not want to spend the money. I’m worried that it will take her having an accident of a major injury and hospitalization and me, saying that I will not stay with her or take her into my home for her to have to get proper care. her primary care doctor will not take the car away. I’m having a geriatric doctor hopefully see her and assess her for ability to stay in her home and drive. But in New York State they really don’t do much to make a senior do what needs to be done Please advise thank you. While she is not generally unpleasant toward me , she more or less treats me like a slave where she thanks me, but I have to do everything out of the goodness of my heart, change my schedule. What complicates things is that I have a daughter 10 hours away who almost died in childbirth and has issues, including depression, PTSD, heart palpitation, etc. and really needs me and wants me to move there. Thank you for your insights.
Are you her POA?
Technically YOU are not responsible for her if you are not POA. And if she is cognizant is the POA, if you have one, in effect?
Next time she goes to the ER make it very clear that
1. You are not responsible for her.
2. She is not safe at home.
3. She has no one to care for her.
Next time she calls you late at night for some "emergency" DO NOT go over to help her.
If it is an emergency she can call 911. If it is not "worthy" of a 911 call then it can wait until the morning or sometime in the next day or two.
STOP doing all the things that you are doing for her that make it possible for her to continue to live "independently" you are propping her up with the delusion that she can remain in her home.
As for the driving write a letter to the DMV outlining your concerns, too many doctors are fools when it comes to the car issue, especially if it is a male, the ego interferes with their common sense.
Who has her DPOA? Any other children?
Your priority should be your children and grandchildren not a MIL and you of course.
You have taught her how to treat you, time for you to stand up and be counted.
Good Luck.
Don't do a damn thing for her. The next time she falls and calls you please tell her the following:
'Too bad. You should probably call an ambulance'. Then hang the phone up.
One of your kids can take over her POA. They are the ones who will benefit from her, not you. Or go down to the probate court in the town she lives in and have yourself removed as POA. You can do this. Many people think it's hard to remove themselves as someone's POA. It's not. Then let her know in plain language that if she really gets hurt because she's too cheap to hire homecare for herself, or because she insists on driving that she isn't coming to your place and you aren't going to hers. That you will NEVER take care of her for any reason even if she pays.
Then stick to it. Also, the next time she snidely says that you think she's stupid, tell her most emphatically that yes you do think she's stupid. Real stupid and selfish too. A 97-year old who's had accidents already is not only risking their life on the road. That kind of toxic stubbornness puts everyone else's safety at risk too. She's 97 and lived her life. Some child or 20-year old hasn't.
Don't do anything for her. You have to let her fail. Sadly, this is what has to happen so many times with these asinine elders who can take stubbornness to a level where it becomes dangerous.
Hopefully she won't get hurt too bad before she accepts homecare help and no one will have to die on the road because of her driving.
You have no obligation to take care of her. You can do as much or as little as you choose. You won’t be getting your husband’s inheritance which I think that is pretty s****y on her part since you are caring for her.
If you do not want to care for her anymore, resign your POA.
It sounds like your daughter might need some help temporarily from you. You should make that happen. That’s important.
Next, the car. No doctor will "take the car away." The best a doctor can do is lift her license. You need to do two things: make sure her driver's license is suspended and make sure the car goes away. Taking away her license will not stop her from driving if she intends to do so. The car could develop some mechanical problem. It goes to the "shop" which may be the home of one of your friends that she doesn't know too well. It takes a long time to repair (as in never) because they can't get the parts.
But then, who drives her? Well, nobody. Or a local charity that drives seniors. Or she might have to go to assisted living where they have drivers who provide transportation, included with the fee.
She WILL eventually fall or otherwise find it necessary to move to AL or memory care. How long can you wait? In the meantime, your daughter and grandchild are struggling. I know what I'd do.
She also treated me like a servant, cleaning up her messes, and her dog's messes. (It was not housebroken.) No thank you, no asking, it was pretty much demands. If I had a chance to go back in time, I would not have been her caregiver. No amount of inheritance is worth the garbage I had to deal with during that year. You and your family comes first, be there for them.
I know what I'd do.....arrange someone to watch now and then your mil and I'd scramble by leaps and bounds to be at your precious daughter's side!!
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