My mother lives in an assisted living. She has a home health worker take her once a week to the grocery or go get what she needs. I visit on the weekends and bring her more stuff like a tablet, a laptop, a mouse, etc. Last night I finally got finished with work on time and she called me saying she wanted eye drops. They are special eye drops you put in for 4 nights and I guess everything is okay after that. She couldn't remember the name of them, but said the pharmacist would know what she meant. So I went to the drug store, the pharmacist had no idea what I was talking about, but suggested I get some lubricating eye drops. So I bought the lubricating eye drops and took them to her. They said "apply as needed". When I got to her she said they were not the right kind and "apply as needed" was wrong. I saw no such other eye drops in the store and I felt they had a very good selection.
Then she commented that I must of got a new bra because I looked "big busted". I did no such thing. I just said I wanted to go home and eat, because it was already 8 pm.
Now the long term care insurance company wants to send a nurse out to reassess her and she blames me for that. They sent us a letter that said they would reassess every 6 months or so.
She practically hung up on me on the phone right now and I call her every night. I am just frustrated and I know I have it good because I have the assisted living and the home health aide. Just needed to vent.
Everyone's emotional and psychological 'make-up' and TRIGGERS are different. For me, it was a learning process . . . over and over and OVER again.
And, I prided (spelling?) myself on decades of personal growth, losing-maintaining 70-75 wt loss on my own for 35+ years, re-made myself about 325 degrees from how I was brought up to think and be . . . to feel so challenged with an other's rage and anger hurled at ME, with MY kind, open heart wanting to support and help.
Knowing it is THEIR stuff 'SHOULD' help in the moment and realistically, sometimes the logic flies out the window (or already flew) and my heart ached and my head wanted to say - what? but . . . (be clear, logical and "see how supportive and nice I am to you ? ? ? - respect and appreciate me. I care about you.
What helped me most:
(1) leaving, giving time outs (actually for me, too -- from 2 minutes to 2 hours to the rest of the day); any immediate way to shift out of triggered feelings will help shift them again, soon . . .
(2) Reflective listening - if that works "I hear that you are very upset with me now." Period. End of discussion. She will fight with herself.
(3) Visualizing myself in an emotional and psychological protective bubble - of sparkly somethings or whatever imagery works -
(4) As a routine, as much as you can - take care of your physical self - exercise. Get it out. Eat healthy. Give yourself gifts - even if just observing or buying one beautiful flower or visiting a dog (or cat) shelter. Keep yourself as plugged in to YOU as much as you can.
(5) I'm giving you a GOLD star for reaching out and venting.
(6) p.s. And, meditate - even 5 minutes a day.
I will say . . . in all honesty, I changed my own reasoning and psychologically feel one strategy I used was: 'I give up,' telling myself "I react, I hurt, I admit it. I tried the best I could. This is not going away. I can't will the pain away. . . no matter how much of a personal challenge it presented to me for over three years. Time outs work - take them at the earliest sign. Doing this actually changed some behavior - although knowing it is dementia, we know it will continue.
And, we hurt the ones we love - the people closest to us. You are loved a lot. This is a cruel disease and yet, we can learn so much about our self and grow from what triggers us. I learned what I could put up with when I thought over and over again. I can't do this. I learned that I can forgive and that, with time, feelings change. Even after just an hour or and evening. Tomorrow is another day. The other person feels power-less. That is scary. I learned how deep my compassion is - and developed this ability, which was a life-long goal. To be compassionate is a huge achievement for me. I've come a long way and there is always inner work to do. Loving myself through it all. Gena
It took me 45 years (my entire life) and this very challenging journey to get there, and actually I haven’t gotten there, I’m simply a work in process, but by far much closer than I’d be if life hadn’t presented me with this priceless opportunity to become a better human being and to learn to be able to give love no matter how hard the circumstances.
How to handle it? That depends entirely on you. She wants specific eye drops? get her the ones you think might help, as you did, and tell her that is all they had and you hope they work, encourage her to give them a try, lovingly and with an smile. She is angry? Kiss her good night and hug her. There is no reason for you to be upset; you did what you could, you acted as a good and caring daughter and she reacted the only way she can, no surprises. As I told somebody else recently, the goal at this point is not to be right, but to be kind..and not to lose your mind in the process.
Try to get yourself to really comprehend that you are dealing with a broken and frustrated mind. Her illness is to be blamed, not her, not you.
It is difficult not to want to be right, but it is essential to let that go in order to survive this.
Don't call or visit your mother so much. Even once a week may be too much. You will never satisfy her. Period. She'll lash out at those who do the most for her. Why? You're available. You're convenient. It's satisfying to exert control over anything or anybody in her rapidly shrinking life. Don't be so available.
Every thing you say or do will be picked apart or rejected outright. Stop doing so much. You described your mom in an assisted living facility. Her needs are being met. You will never satisfy her wants. Learn to detach emotionally. Detaching doesn't mean you stop caring; it means placing some distance between yourself and your mother; refusing to react to her FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt). Establish and maintain healthy boundaries. It takes practice to learn this new way of thinking and responding, i.e. "Medium Chill." Google it. You'll be glad you did!
She is now in a Hospice facility until she is stable enough to return to the NH.
No mater where she is, NH, Hospital, Hospice, or even home, she has never nor will she ever be pleased. I have learned to live with it and try to take it all like water off a ducks back. Yesterday she call me stupid for the first time and I thanked her for the input.
Even if she were in a 5 star hotel or spa with room service available round the clock, she would find fault in the way things are going.
I wish I could tell you it would get easier or better, but that does not seem to be in the cards.
My dad is the same way...you just repeat to yourself in your mind "I didn’t cause this...her brain is broken"
i would suggest you DO NOT call her every night. And if she calls you, put your phone on do not disturb or don’t answer. Unless your calls are pleasant and uplifting and loving...just don’t do it! You need a break and don’t need to be a sounding board for all that’s wrong in her life. You have our permission to have a break. You can vent anytime.
Jump ahead about 2 years ago, and she started getting very needy again, she would call and say crazy things, or she would call 10 minutes later and say she hadn't talked to me in so long... I would bring her dinner a few nights a week, we would sit and chat, and then she would call me and say she hadn't eaten all day . It is scary to see these things happen to your parent.
I skipped a few things, in the last 5 years, I had an aide in 5 days a week to get her up , cleared and dressed. I tried adult day care because she was lonely, but she hated it. I moved mom to a NH earlier this year, and she tells me she hates it, and I am terrible, but I know she is fed and safe. She goes to many of the activities offed, but never remembers. It is very sad to see this happen, but It was needed, her doctor said she needed 24 hour care, and it is best for both of us. Do not succom to guilt, you deserve a life.
My Mom is so verbally abusive to me I cannot go before I go to work anymore to visit. I literally just started a new job at 60 years old and when she finishes with me in the visit I am totally unable to think straight. She has been diagnosed with dementia by one doctor but I need two. So I am doing the baker act on her as she is so out of control she even called the apartment manager a bad name, then called the law on her for stealing crazy things. I offered her some vitamin b and she told me to choke on them. Calls me names and I break my back trying to go for everything she needs. I am really going to be on her list when they come and pick her up. She refuses any medical help and I’m the only family member she’s got to help. her. Always been demanding and puts a guilt trip on me every chance she gets. I’m tired. Your responses also helped me. Thank you all.
Sincerely
Tricia
I took this line as I was a wreck and decided I was not going to be treated badly any more. So far it has worked. Much more pleasant to me now .Still go in prepared for anything though.He will likely try to push boundaries as time goes on. Sure hope all these experiences and stories help. Stay strong,
Why am I such a horrible daughter? Because I was emotionally abused while growing up. She repeatedly tells me I don't do much for her (that is because I limit her excursions to Mass, medical/dental appointments and one shopping trip/week). She likes to denigrate me.
She has sight in only one eye now, very bad balance, neuropathy in her feet, atrial fibrillation, a history of TIA, bad hearing. Her short-term memory is going, as well as her reasoning. She refuses to consider an Assisted Living facility.
So I understand the constant criticism your mother gives you. I can't stand being directed on how to do every little thing.
Srop calling her every njght. When you call, if she gets accusatory or nasty, suddenly smell something burning on the stove and tell her you have to go, then hang up. When she orders you to get her something, tell her you’ll have it for her by the weekend. By the way, has she been evaluated for dementia?