Caring for my ill mother who's 88. How much say should my siblings have in my home when Mom comes?

Not a damn thing. This happens in every family. If advice is given, that's one thing. Some even may help.
But, if they TELL you what should be done , and say YOU should do this & that, tell them to shove off.
Tell them if THEY don't like how YOU are handling this situation, ( and it's a LOT of work ,time, and effort) then they can take care of your Mom, in their own homes.
You know to expect, arugements. Find your voice, and DON'T give in. If you do, you will regret it.

i can relate, i have caring for my mom since 2005, she is now at stage 5. i even got a bigger place so my sister or brother could stay and help, but all they did was tune her out, and now even more work for me with them being their dictating when they know "nothing" about her at all besides that she is their mom. they knew it all, to know nothing at all. therefore, i threw them out in order to keep myself strong mentally and physically, for the harder times up ahead when she is in her terminal stage.

LoveX

I have met many family like yours.

You ask how much say should they have in my home?

In your home, none.

However it is important that you include them in decisions regardingwhere she is cared for and by whom.

Does every family member agree that the best place for you mother is in your home? Do you all SHARE medical power of attorney so all decisions must be reviewed and sanctioned by all, or has one person grabbed total control?

Some people take control and isolate the parent because they want to inherit everything and shut the siblings out. This type of behavior is financial elder abuse and if caught is a crime.

Have others asked to move her to their home, but you refused and wanted to take over her care yourself?

Perhaps your siblings feel she would be better cared for in a professional facility.

This may or may not be true. Have you had this discussion

Does your mother have her own assets to use for payment in such a facility?

Some family members who volunteer to caregive do not want to spend the parents' money because they feel it should be their inheritance. I find they will often deny that is the reason. Instead they say they think it is better for mom to be in their care.

Is that the reality? Do your siblings agree?

Other family members may not care about the inheritance and prefer that mom be in a professional facility with 24 hour caregivers.

This is often a huge bone of contention among siblings.

In my business I hear this complaint often.

If your mother has no assets, she will be eligible for medicaid.

With a little due diligence a very good facility that is non-profit and has an excellent rating can be found for mom.

LoveX

I have met many family like yours.

You ask how much say should they have in my home?

In your home, none.

However it is important that you include them in decisions regarding who or where she is cared for and by whom.

Does every family member agree that the best place for you mother is in your home.

Have others asked to move her to their home, but you refused and wanted to take over her care yourself?

Perhaps your siblings feel she would be better cared for in a professional facility.

This may or may not be true. Have you had this discussion

Does your mother have her own assets to use for payment in such a facility?

Some family members who volunteer to caregive do not want to spend the parents' money because they feel it should be their inheritance. I find they will often deny that is the reason. Instead they say they think it is better for mom to be in their care.

Is that the reality? Do your siblings agree? Do you keep your siblings informed of doctor diagnoses or prognoses?

Some people take control and isolate the parent because they want to inherit everything and shut the siblings out. This type of behavior is financial elder abuse and if caught is a crime.

Other family members may not care about the inheritance and prefer that mom be in a professional facility with 24 hour caregivers.

This is often a huge bone of contention among siblings.

In my business I hear this complaint often.

If your mother has no assets, she will be eligible for medicaid.

With a little due diligence a very good facility that is non-profit and has an excellent rating can be found for mom.

It looks like your life is very tough and you definetly need some time for you. I would suggest you to sign your elders up for elderly care center and focus on your living.

That would be a shock for someone who's never stepped up to the caregiving table, but YOU can set the rules.

Hi Lovex3 .... I have the exact same situation going on and it can be maddening. My mother (90) had a stroke about 6 months ago and every single day since she entered the hospital I have been there caring for her every need. I actually slept in the hospital with her and also through her three months of rehab. I change her, clean her, feed her, move her multiple times a day and much much more. I have two brothers who do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!. One lives with my mother but stays in his room 23 1/2 hours a day. Never coming out to speak to anyone, never asking mom how she is doing. A waste of a life ( he is 68 and has not had a job in 35 years) he moved in to help around the house and make sure mom was ok in case of falls etc. The other brother owns his own business and is hands on daily so I give him a little tiny pass. While in the hospital the boys popped in for 10 minutes here and there, never taking time to have dinner with her and spend some time just caring. It's sickening. Since mom got home I have been inundated with issues surrounding them. They call the doctors after I have already contacted them and ( not telling me or asking any questions) They have no idea what is going on with her they know NOTHING. I then get calls from the doctors office asking why there are three people calling about an issue that is not a problem. So far my mom has had 8 UTI infections ( that seems to be the thing they worry about the most even when she doesn't have the symptoms nor the actual infections. Mom had a little stomach bug a week ago and they claim she had a Urinary Tract Infection. Just ridiculous.
I have contacted the doctors asking them to PLEASE check in with me before they do anything the boys request. I try to tell them I have it handled but they for some reason stick their nose into her business. No communication between them and I they just take it upon themselves to decide what they are going to do. You have your mom moving into your home which makes for a little different dynamic. You will need to set some boundaries with them. I don't know your siblings but mine are not even open to discussing anything. If yours are semi reasonable you need to tell at least your brother that if there are issues surrounding mom he needs to discuss them with you prior to taking any actions. YOUR THERE THEY ARE NOT. My mom lives in her own home and the brother that lives there has some emotional issues, so I must deal with his lunacy. Unfortunately I did not sit down with my siblings and discuss what was going on I just stepped in became the caregiver and no one else offered to help or be involved. Now Im being criticized and harassed every single day with something that has happened and it becomes all my fault. I don't want you to go through that situation. I have been accused of everything from embezzlement to stealing jewelry to "Looting my mothers home for 16 hours a day" I have done NOTHING wrong except be there for my mom. First I got told to get a caregiver for her. Then I got told the bills were too high we cannot afford the caregiver. I stepped in I ended our contract with the agency and I became her full time caregiver. About three+ weeks ago one of them asked me about the caregiver situation I said we don't have one you said mom couldn't afford it. Then I get told we need someone in here to help her. He just wanted me out of the picture. SO I found another agency we got a caregiver who has been with us for two weeks. She is not Perfect but she is good at what she does. Today my brother said he cannot pay them. It's all just CRAZY!!!!... Just protect yourself ok, siblings become evil when it comes to issues such as these and the MONEY issues are even more disgusting. We have no communication any longer and when we do its a fight. I have tried to step out of their way and just take care of mom but when these things happen to our family it changes people, and It is never for the good. Good Luck if you need to talk more let me know.

And you can add nursing home care is 10k a month. That doesn't count for extras like having to go to doc appointments, a wheelchair van to take her, or a dedicated ambulance to take her to/from if she can't walk. Or dental, podiatrist etc. Some of that insurance picks up, but there is always out of pocket as well.
So it is cheaper to keep them at home, but the mental physical aspects mount up bc your there 24/7. Most put in an 8hr shift and clock out. You don't.
Remember to take vacation and personal days too. You should still be able to enjoy life.

Hi love3x, I think they should have as much say as they do help....no help = no say. The help they could give you and your family might be monetary (show them the bills you have been paying for her for the re-model, furniture, medical aids, Rx etc.) or physical/emotional help, such as weekly respite for you and your family, along with times for your family to go on vacations. In this way, you can get help that you need and THEY will get some idea of what it's like being a care-giver. This will also give the rest of the family time to try out some of their advice. They will get a clearer view of what it is to take care of a person with dementia....being accused of stealing or taking Mom's things, episodes of aggression that most non-caretakers have a hard time believing....I used to "love" being told 'Oh, she can't be that bad!' They can handle having to answer the same question over and over again or they can try and explain to your Mom that she is home, as she tries to leave the house (or get in the neighbors house as she is sure that it is hers....sigh). Blessings to you, Lindaz.)

Lovex,
I have a cute sign hanging in the kitchen:
"Bed & Breakfast"
"You make both".

IT IS YOUR HOME & YOU SET THE RULES - END OF STORY - you may welcome them as visitors & family but unless they are in overalls with a hammer in their hands helping to decide if the bathroom door should swing right or left then do your own thing as far as you home & household is concerned

From the little you wrote, I know you are the family care giver [dad, grandsons now mom] so you also have the most practicle experience of them all - now if any of them are professionals [then shame on them for not helping out] then take their advise 'under concideration'

Because you have a busy household ask them to call before they come even if they are on the way - I'd tell them the first time they arrive unannounced that they can only stay for 15-20 minutes because you have another activity planned & that's why they should call first

I hope you are charging your mom to live there - take the utilities from the whole month before & the whole after [you may have to dump the month she moves in] to see the difference - count power, water, food, laundry etc that might rise then add 1/5 of your house taxes, mortgage [if you have 1] etc plus any changes to get the minimum you should charge just to not be out of pocket & nobody should deny your right to do this - then there is your time which is precious - maybe keep a log but that is tedious - good luck

You're the middle child I bet.

When they start to place their $.02 in this pot, ask them how much they placed in that same pot when it came to taking care of daddy.
Then, prepare a check off list with EVERYTHING you AND your husband did as well as the amount of time "your " family put in and the time and money.
FInd out what the 24/7 care would have cost (you should be able to get a list of services from a reputable in-home care) which would also include the rate(s) for shopping, transporting to appointments, housekeeping, a licensed RN if necessary to administer meds.
Have them look over this information 1st. Give them the list of EVERYTHING both you and your husband did during that time....include the care you provided to your Mother too.
Using the info list from the in-home care, tally your time/costs=to the hours it would have cost for in-home care. YOUR TIME/COSTS WILL BE SO MUCH MORE AS MOST OF THESE AGENCIES MUST PROVIDE 3 CAREGIVERS, CANNOT ADMINISTER MEDS SO AN LPN/RN WOULD NEED TO DO SO WHICH IS CHARGED AT THE HOURLY RATE AND SEPARATE FROM THE OTHER COSTS.
Have each of them check off what they did for daddy, number of hours, money as well as number of days.
ALSO have them check off what they were doing all that time
1. Where/how long they vacationed
2. How often with average cost did they go out to dinner as a couple or with friends
3. Include babysitters and costs
4.Next, provide them with the cost to renovate your home so Mom will be able to live with you and your family AS A FAMILY
5. Whether or not you/husband/kids will be able to go on vacations
6. What the costs will be for someone to take care of Mom while you/husband/kids are able to even have any respite for awhile
7. Which of them is willing to Mom sit for you while all of you vacation, go to dinner, babysit your kids if applicable
8. Who is willing to put money into Mom's new place. Not just a few hundred....money i e. like a few thousand each (you determine the amount)

Then tell them that until they can place their money where their mouths are...shut up or put up.

If Mom has her mental abilities intact, go to an attorney, have her write up her Will, name you as her guardian/conservator so you won't have to deal with the Court system...trust me on that one.
Get copies made, keep original in safety deposit box and don't inform your siblings about this.
If they know Mom has a Will and they know what they are expecting to receive, they will be in for a very big surprise!
**if your State does not require a Will/Testament to be recorded prior to death....siblings will not know anything about the new Will which will supersede the prior Will because it won't be public record** Mine "think" Mom's Will was lost😁😁
Just because THEY think they are ENTITLED does not make it so. They would need to contest AT THEIR OWN EXPENSE WITH AN ATTORNEY, PAY ALL COURT COSTS (EVEN YOURS) SHOULD THE COURT SIDE WITH YOU!
IF Mom says anything about this, tell them you don't know anything about it. YOU ARE NOT REQUIRED TO TELL THEM.
EVEN IF THEY GO TO THE ATTORNEY, ATTORNEY/CLIENT PRIVILEGE....make sure that this is contained in the contract as Mom's representative.

Good luck!!

Very little or none.

I'm in the same situation. No one who is not providing care is any longer entitled to input. Neither of my sibs do anything to help. My brother doesn't try to interfere, but my sister is FULL of advice. I do not want her advice. I am definitely NOT trying to be the martyr and I do NOT "want" control -- I have simply learned over the years that they do nothing to help and my sister's advice is not helpful. She's just bossy. Your sibs should have no say. If my sibs were really trying to help I would welcome it.

I think there is a difference between having say and having opinion and there is a difference between having a say or opinion about how things work in your home and having a say or opinion on the medical care/decisions of your parent. Unfortunately in this situation those things can get all mixed in together both in action and interpretation.

In my opinion, even without knowing who has what legal power, your siblings all have a right to both opinion and say in medical decisions when it comes to your mom. For instance, should she have this elective surgery or go through this battery of tests that aren't necessary but might help deliver better treatment (I'm making things up here). They also have every right to express their opinion on what medical services, extra expenses are or aren't necessary (in home care, NH, IL, OT...) when finances are coming from your mom but while she is living with you and you are her primary caregiver yours should hold more weight, in fact in my family you would make the final decision. Here is where it get's a little sticky because unless otherwise set up legally by your mom and even if it has really, you should all have equal right to be heard and part of the decision but your siblings should deffer to you and your needs given what you are taking on for them but it doesn't always work out that way of course and sibling/family dynamic always comes in to play.

When it comes to things like how her room is set up or what she eats and when, what soap you buy, the day to day workings in your home I don't think they have any "say". Now they are bound to have opinions and while I would hold those if I were them and maybe offer one here or there selectively or when asked not everyone is able to do that or even aware they are being overbearing with opinions. Everyone has a right to their opinions, what you can control is how much you want to listen or consider them.

Presumably your siblings are on board with mom moving into your home, hopefully they even had a part in that decision so this is a perfect time to all talk about what this will look like. You don't want to let feelings like yours and any your siblings might be having, misinterpreted or not, fester and become issues. I wouldn't start by saying here are the ground rules or anything, in fact I suggest approaching it as a way of asking for their help. "We are going to need support for this to work best and I realized there is no way for you to know what help we need if we don't tell you"...anyone have ideas for the easiest method for all of us to share and discuss medical stuff? Should we set up a schedule for each of you to take care of mom to give us respite or would it be easier if I just let you know when we need it? Should she go stay in your home or you come here when we go away? I know he doesn't ask but I feel like Joe could use some help with some of the projects, maybe you could reach out? I want everyone to feel like they can visit mom but it would be easier for us if you gave us some notice (whatever it is) or call before just stopping by. It may take a little time for my family to adjust to having mom here full time and for mom being here and having people around/not having people around a lot would help us....All just examples of ways to let them know there are ground rules and your in charge of house ground rules without alienating them (hopefully), including them even.

Also you might ask for your sisters opinion on setting up her room for example or detergent for moms clothes, anything to give her a place to offer opinion, make her feel like she has some impute and maybe that will prevent her giving it all over the place in an attempt to be relevant. We do these things unconsciously sometimes because we don't feel included and or guilty. I'm all about avoiding foot planting w/family as much as possible, finding ways to be inclusive while circumventing interference is often enough. Control the opinions and recognize the say. GL

None. They have no say at all!Only opinions that don’t count unless they want to be poa & health proxy. If they have input then they have responsibilities to take them in & be their caregivers while you go on vacation

Raising two teenage grandsons is a job! Well done, you and your husband. All the best.

I work with people caring for elderly and I hear this complaint often.

Sometimes, though, It is very apparent that the caregiver is pushing everyone away by taking too much control and not really wanting advice.

Sometimes the reason is to get control of assets, other times it is simply that they want control. Other times, it is that they do not want to use the parents assets for an assisted living facility of custodial care, while the other siblings do.

Are you sure you are not doing this. In my work I see people denying that they are doing this, when in reality they are. Search your soul for the truth.

Family can not help if you push them away, either subtly or overtly.

Also, what do you expect them to do while the elder is in your home?

Do you really want them stopping by when they have time to invade your home to help out?

In addition, do they work, while you do not? If they work it may be unrealistic to expect them to help with caregiving on your schedule. They can only help when they are not working.

Can you have a family sit down or seek an elder care advisor to find a way to use Mom's assets to fund an assisted living situation?

If your siblings offer opinions and constructive criticism, why not listen. If they have suggested installing the elder in a facility, have you balked? If so, why? It sounds like a valid way to relieve you of the burden of caregiver, even if you do not work.

If your siblings feel heard and their advice is valued, they are more likely to step up to do more and more of the things you need them to do. So ask for the type of help you need, but be aware that when they offer advice, they need to feel it is valued by you.

However, if you are constantly denigrating their advice, of course and you have control over all assets. What can they do?

With that said, I was the sole caregiver for my grandfather because I had the time and resources to do it. No one else helped because most lived far away or had fewer resources.

I did not complain because, I loved my grandfather and it was my decision to help him rather than install him in a home as others suggested.

Grrrrr ! Too bad you cant just tell them to shut up and go away. They'll probably say something like ... well dont ask us for help ... like they do anything anyway !

makes me glad im an only child !

hang in there and try to remember you're doing the best you can.

Best wishes.

They should only have as much "say" as you wish to grant them.

As the saying goes, "Money talks, BS walks."

If you have to, tell them advice is cheap - let them get their hands dirty and you'll listen.
Otherwise, unasked for advice should not be spoken. Generally. I mean, they should tell you if your kitchen is on fire, God forbid.

First of all, NONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have the same problem. I added an addition to the first floor of my house for my MIL who in now in the last stages of Dementia/Alzheimer's. (Paid for that addition out of MY POCKET, and asked for not one cent from anyone). She has TEN children total, and only my hubby and I and my SIL (the oldest sister) help each other and take turns taking care of her with the help of an Aide. NOT ONE OF THOSE #$%^*& (Cuss Words) Help. Oh but do they have opinions! I ignore each and every one of them. Shame on them all! Their poor mother waited on them hand and foot half their lives, and now they don't even call us up to say.....Hey SIL let me take her from you for the weekend so you can have a break, but they sure have the NERVE to comment on how I am telling them how their mother is behaving. They don't like to hear constructive criticism from an in-law (who by the way does not have a say on the decisions for the MIL, but lives in my house)! So you do your best to help your mother, and then when you are at your last straw with them you show up at their home (if possible) drop her off to them. ( No the best solution) It is just unfair for them to put their two cents when they don't contribute. You need to stand on your two feet and tell them if you want a say then contribute to some weekends, or some weeks with her. Otherwise zip your mouths! It is not easy dealing with a parent who is so far gone in this miserable disease; especially when they get physically aggressive and you are the only one dealing with it! Those moments make me want to peal the paint of the ceiling. I pray to God that there will be relief soon, and it will come to a calm soon. Remember God sees all and you are blessed. The Serenity Prayer helps me sometimes, and venting on this site HELPS ALOT! God bless you and good luck.

Without knowing what these suggestions are, I would let them make their suggestions, and when there is a good one, delegate, delegate, delegate. If there is a cost involved, ask them to foot the bill or if there is a purchase to be made, ask them to do the research to find the best product. "That's a great idea, why don't you research the options and costs and get back to me on that." "I love that rollator; you can give it to dad next time you visit!" Great idea of a bathroom reno! How much can you contribute to the project!" In otherwords, validate their ideas then put them to work. You might just get an additional reliable assistant for your dad, and if not, they might understand better your contribution. Last, use instagram or emails to send pics of loved one with little captions. They can act as reminders of the existence of dad, they might respond with pics to dad and you (which is good for dad:), and again they will be reminded of your efforts on a day-to-day basis. These pics emphasize that trip out to lunch or car picnic to remind them that dad needs tlc and enrichment. Model clearly to them what he needs and enjoys, and occasionally add, "Dad would love to see you!"

If they read this forum and can give useful advice, great. If they just have opinions they pulled out of (ahem) the air, ignore them.

How much say should your siblings have? None. They have proved their willingness to help with your parents and you owe them no explanations or anything else on how you care for your mother in your home. If they want to offer up advice, let it go in one ear and out the other. If they come up with anything useful, great. Otherwise, say something neutral like "that could work" and move on. If you want to get more assertive, say something like "that could work, but what would really help is..."

your siblings sound like they just want to give advice. Not help when caring for my late mother who had small cell lung cancer. I had a sibling text me daily asking me what have I done for her mother today. In nut shell take their advice with a grain of salt. There not in your shoes being a caregiver is difficult .my eldest sibling who came home with my oldest brother my niece and her two boys the week before my mother passed clearly didn't listen and my late mother declined so rapidly that week. So just be careful .

First I'd like to know what kind of vitamins you and hubby take. Him caring for TWO teenaged BOYS alone. Cooking, cleaning, dishes, outings, schoolwork & events, laundry, shopping etc... WOO!

Whilst you were living elsewhere giving 7/24 care to your sick dad. NO doubt running back and forth helping hubby!

Now preparing your house to bring Mother home to care for her, advanced in age and sick. Yeah, I want what you're taking. 😁

But since this kind of selflessness and energy doesn't come in a bottle, it can only come from the heart.

I know from my own experience, when I'm not helping pull the load, I'd blow in and give lots of lip service, suggestions, assessments, ask why you're doing this , not doing that, blah blah blah,
(oh, and expect a fresh cup of coffee, two equals and skim milk, please Dear)
just to make myself feel I'm helping.

Then leave without a hair out of place, a chip on my manicure, and, heaven forbid, never broke the slightest of sweat.

So to answer your question, if someone is not there to do some laundry, take the boys to a ballgame/outing, help with homework, school projects, cook meals to freeze, wash down the bathroom , teach the kids to change a tire or oil, cut the grass, clean Mother's bum, go shopping, etc...then they have NO SAY IN YOUR HOME!

Bless you for all you do. Your family is lucky to have you guys. 😇🙄

I know how you feel , I am the youngest of 8 and care for my mom and dad ,mom has vascular dementia. While my siblings mean the best in you are the one there 24 hours a day 365. Take all their advice in but trust yourself to use it or not. As your brother comes on the weekends try to do yourself some good on the weekends with breaks away to recharge. I had to seek help from outside the family to talk too as the family are just that family. I need to vent every now and then so seeing carer counseling is necessary . To keep you and your family sane even the kids will feel the change so be very aware of their mental health.
If I can help in any way send me a message.
Patrick

There is a saying that a mother may have time for 10 children but the 10 children won't have time for one mother. It appears that here we have examples of one of the 10 (or fewer) having time for the one mother.

Pepsi46: POA means power of attorney. It is a legal document that the aging person signs. It is a chosen person (usually a family member) not always, a legal right to make financial decisions on their behalf. It becomes necessary if the person is hospitalized or incompacitated and cant make decisions. It is not stupid question at all.

Family members who aren't in the picture might want to offer a lot of advice. As long as it is advice, and not criticism. I think they do that (advice) bc it is all they can do besides physically helping.
If you want to please your family you could send an email about her monthly bills. So they see you are transparent and not buying your new summer house from her savings. Lol. Personally I don't know anyone who has ever done that one. But that would be nice.

They should also keep in mind an hourly caretaker is at least $20 an hour from a agency. That is for non skilled care. The caretaker makes about $10 - $12 an hour. A skilled nurse would be much more.
I'd remind them you are there caretaking around the clock.
My hat is off to you. It is a huge undertaking and often overwhelming.
You can always remind them, if they have so much advice, come give you a break anytime. Even for a few hours for a movie/break etc. Good luck to you. Perhaps they can chip in and get a respite caretaker or offer their turn, to give you a much needed break.