My siblings and I were raised by abusive and narcissistic parents. My brother (first born) became an alcoholic and drug abuser who passed away. Oldest sister has schizo-affective disorder and a host of other ailments which she attributes to being raped by our dad. The youngest one suffers from depression, anxiety, ptsd and married to a violent addict. All of us left home by 18.
I managed to get away and have not had any contact with them in over 10 years. Recently my dad passed and now mom is home alone so my oldest sister guilted me into trying to have a relationship with mom.
I made an effort because I was still craving my mother's love however started having high anxiety and feeling suicidal so I started seeing a therapist. Now 6 months later, I realized that I don't like her (our mother) and don't want any relationship with her. She is not a nice person and I don't want to cause her any pain but I prefer to live my life in peace and wish her all the best and want nothing to do with her.
My sister disagrees and says it's my duty to help take care of our mother. I don't agree and believe mom is not healthy for her either. Not once does mom acknowledge she may have made a bad decision while parenting us. Makes me very sad that we cannot be close but believe it's for the best, we are not good for each other.
You have done an exemplary job of 1) recognizing the terrible dysfunction in your family and 2) removing yourself as much as you can from it, AND setting iron boundaries around the things you can't remove yourself from!
That your sister hasn't been able to - or willing to do - the same is sad, but IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM! I'm very sorry for her, as I'm sure you are as well, but please, please don't talk yourself into believing that you have this magical "cure" for all of your family's issues, if you would only dive in and pick up caregiving. You know that's not the case; you have gotten yourself into a place that's healthy for you; don't allow someone to sabotage all of that - including yourself!
It's not "the duty" of ANY child to take care of their aging parents. We don't (or shouldn't, anyway) have children to care for us in our dotage. You are in no way trapped into caregiving, unless you let yourself be. Please don't let yourself be.
When your sister lays the "it's your duty" guilt trip on you, simply respond to her the way you did in your post: "I don't agree; and I believe mom is not healthy for either me OR you." What your sister decides to do after that is entirely on her.
Best wishes to you, and again (((hugs)))
You will never find love from Mom. She doesn't know how to give it.
1. Why does your sister attempt to direct (if not control) your actions?
2. Why do you listen to her?
Make your own decisions. Your sister isn't your guardian, doesn't manage your thoughts and/or your life.
As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse myself from my father, and a mother who knew, but chose to ignore, I can tell you that there are times in life when we have to cut our losses and do what's best for our own wellbeing, and if that means staying away from the people who hurt us most, then so be it.
I would however recommend trying to find it in your heart to forgive them both(even your dad who has passed)so that you can move on in your life and have the peace that you so desire. They will never be who you need them to be, and you have to make peace with that fact and get on with living your life. Just make sure that you're not repeating the same mistakes that they did.
And remember, to forgive them is for you to be healthy and whole. It will be like a very heavy weight being lifted off your shoulders.
God bless you my dear.
Have no contact with this person. Let the state take control.
Walk away.
Don’t fall for the “duty” nonsense. You don’t owe an abusive parent that failed to protect you anything. You do owe it to yourself to heal. I am in a similar situation, except I manage my mother’s finances. But if I had known better, I should have left her to state guardianship. I don’t visit. Ever. Even the calls from the facility can trigger my anxiety and depression.
While you will never have your mother’s love, you can have love from other healthy sources including self love. I don’t wish my mother harm, I only wish her comfort. And I’m thankful for the patience of the facility staff where she lives. But I keep my boundaries strong. I know it’s hard when you see other families functioning well. We need to create a new family for ourselves. All my love to you!
My daughter’s father was an addict until his death at 57 years old. At the end, he suffered from cirrhosis of the liver brought on by his addictions. My oldest took on his care even though he’d been a pretty terrible father. We were speaking the other day about caring for the parent who didn’t care for you. (My husband and I are caring for his narcissistic mother currently) She relayed her feelings that she needed to the “right” thing even though he hadn’t. It was the right thing for her but each of us had to make our own decision. My younger daughter did not agree with her doing this for reasons very much like yours, but supported her from afar; getting information from the VA (he was a veteran) to assist with his care and doing other legwork. She did not care to be directly involved but loves her sister and didn’t want her to do it alone. Now he’s gone and they both are ok with their decisions. I wish the best for you and your family.
Sure, I wish it had been different, but I honestly did my BEST to deal with her and her crazy. It simply became impossible and downright exhausting to 'honor her' when she was outright mean and horrible to me. Someone who tells you to your face that they wish you had died from the cancer you'd just dealt with--how do you listen to that and feel all warm and fuzzy? And why go back for more?
Worst part was nobody believed me. Why would anyone make up crap like that? And that's the tiny tip of the iceberg.
My DH is angry with me, but he cannot talk me into trying any more to be her friend, daughter, nothing. Even my SIL has finally seen that what I've said over the years is truth. DH's brother does not have a relationship with his mother, doesn't speak to or see her. AND I'M the bad one? (He's a psychologist--so a lot more inside info on whatever is wrong with her).
I do not do things to make her life worse. I also don't do anything to make it better (anymore, used to do a lot). Staying away from her is the best thing.
I did reconnect and had some partial success. I had totally given up on doing anything or being anything that my mother could love as a pre-teen and I didn't expect that as an adult. However, in my 60's my husband and I did choose to move 3,000 miles to a small city near my mother and 2 sisters. One of many reasons for the move was my intention of assisting my two sisters in Mom's care.
My assistance was quite limited--I spent almost no time in her house, did no physical care, etc. What I did was take her to lunch, take her for drives, and run the errands. That saved my sisters some time and got Mom out of the house for a couple of hours each week. Mom and I did not learn to love each other. We did not become close friends. However, we did have a chance to have some adult conversations about a few things of mutual interest, a few things that I learned from her that I liked (baking and gardening). In her final years I got to know her as a human being rather than as a monster. Some of the things she subjected me to as a child were unforgivable and, frankly, went un-forgiven. Nevertheless, I was able to come to terms with how my early life was a part of me. I am not sure that I would use the word "closure" but maybe something close to that. The best thing to come out of the process was a new friendship with 2 of my sisters.
That being said, do absolutely nothing out of guilt or duty. You have no reason for guilt and duty does not apply. You owe your mother nothing. You have every right to live your life in whatever peace you can find. The only reason that you should do anything at all for your mother is if there is something you might get out of it. Neither should your sister's--or anyone else's--opinion matter in your choice. Feel good and right in making the decisions that are right for you. Your mother deprived you of a proper childhood, you do have the right to define how you spend your own adult years. Good luck and stick up for yourself. You deserve it.
STAY AWAY from narcissist's they will only bring you grief and pain.
If your sister is so concenred she should take care of your mother.
''Oldest sister has schizo-affective disorder and a host of other ailments which she attributes to being raped by our dad. The youngest one suffers from depression, anxiety, ptsd and married to a violent addict.''
You're very clear and sound stable.
Agree to disagree with your sister and carry on.
I had an abusive mother. When she got older, although i moved out of state, i tried to stay connected to visit once in awhile and call her. She never showed any connection to me except to be the one to complain to about her life. she brought me down with every call. She was bitter and selfish. She wanted people to wait on her.
We do not owe the people who broke up anything. Even if they are a parent. Everyone has a choice in their life to hurt or help. She chose to hurt. If she hasn't repented or changed, then why return to a hurtful environment?