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My 3 adult children in their 60's want me to bring their father home to get him out of the home. He is 83 and can't stand or walk, has a permanent catheter inserted in his bladder and needs around the clock care. I am turning 87 and have troubling walking. I feel I'm in no condition to give him the care he needs. My kids don't see my side of things. What can I tell them?

tell them " he can go stay with them "
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Reply to KNance72
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I agree. Say NO, and if that doesn't work tell them to move him in their home. Is one or more of them his PoA?
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Reply to Geaton777
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Why are your children blind to the fact that you're 87 and in no condition to care for a bedbound elder 24/7????? Tell your children to feel free to turn THEIR home into a nursing home, quit their jobs if they have one, or their hobbies, their social times, and devote themselves to the 24/7 care and maintenance of a very ill man who needs a team of caregivers to attend to him. Perhaps they can all move in together to care for their dad, but you're unable to do it. Period.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Tell them it is NOT THEIR BUSINESS and to HUSH.
How about that for telling them.
They have seen you attempt to caregive. They should be ashamed of themselves. Tell them that they are the children and if they and their spouse would like to take him in and do 24/7 care that's just fine but they should know that you will not be talking about it, assisting them in any way.

It truly is not right that you hold yourself hostage to the opinions of these children. YOU are the ones concerned here.
I would call them together and would say:
"We will speak about this once NOW and NEVER AGAIN.
I have done the best I am able to do for your father.
When it is your turn to make decisions for your spouse, and that's coming around the bend momentarily, then it will be your turn to make and live with those decisions.
You have a right to your own opinion about my choices, but I do not wish to hear them, so I am telling you that if you speak about this in my presence again I will ask you to leave, or I will myself leave you."

WHY in the WORLD do you feel you owe them an explanation. This is totally not their business.
As I said, they should be ashamed of themselves.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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funkygrandma59 May 11, 2024
As always...spot on Alva!
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Are they suggesting that you hire in-home care for him?

Or is their concern that "their inheritance" is being spent on his care?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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lealonnie1 May 11, 2024
Agreed. More and more posts these days are suggestive of the almighty "Inheritance" children stand to "lose" if their parents spend it on their own care! Not that this is the situation with the OP's children, we dont know that....but it's become common to feel entitled to money that's not OWED to these children at all! I find it disgraceful myself.
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Tell them to shut up. Then go about your business. At 87 you can’t provide home care for their dad. Let them do it. They will have all that fun time with him and make lots of memories together. And you, m’dear, will still be enjoying life free of the burden that no one should be taking on.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Tell them if THEY want dad out of the Skilled Nursing facility THEY can bring him to THEIR home and THEY can care for him 24/7/365.
You do not have to justify your reasons for wanting him to remain where he is.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Ask them which of their homes you shouldering their dad to.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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No.
Or if you want something a little longer.
No way.
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Reply to Beatty
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SnoopyLove May 14, 2024
Or even longer:

No way, José.
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Tell them to come back to you and ask, after each of them has visited their father in the NH daily for a period of 3 mos., and learned to physically care for him, including catheter care, turning him in bed, feeding him, and changing
his diapers, as well as transferring him to a wheelchair.

I think the ratio of caregivers to patient requiring 24/7 needing round the clock care is 3 caregivers per day.

Is there a reason they are asking, such as he is terminal on hospice?
Because he will still need that much care, but at their home.
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Reply to Sendhelp
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"What can I tell them?"

These adults are not looking at the reality or hearing you. Why?

So maybe turn it around & ASK them WHY they want their Father to come home?

They can go away & investigate their own thinking on this.

Some families have people in denial about the health & care needs. They refuse to believe it.

Some would rather visit their LO at home as they wish to avoid their own uncomfortable feelings, of sadness or guilt visiting a NH.

Sometimes people make blanket statements like 'Home is always best' but fail to THINK how burdomsome (or outright impossible) it is for the caregiver.

Sometimes people seem to have such hopeful thinking - that being home will be a cure-all for everything. Or that love is enough to make it work.

Do you know the 6 thinking hats? I have a relative that seems to mostly wear the red hat (emotional) & yellow hat (optimist/hope). When having to place a LO into care the comments were "I feel bad about it. I feel sad" & also "but I'm sure you could manage at home!" etc.

Practical thinking about it was missing. The white hat (facts).

A care home with 24/7 care was NEEDED. There were no other option left. That was the fact of it.

Your Spouse, your home, your decision. They are also facts.
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Reply to Beatty
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“My 3 adult children in their 60's want me to bring their father home to get him out of the home.”

My reply is: “so what? Who cares what they think?”

They are wrong. You know they are wrong. There is no issue here.

Continue as is.
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Reply to Southernwaver
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Hi Mary
Did you discuss his placement with the children before hand? I’m not saying you needed to but did they know you needed help etc and didn’t step forward before he was placed?
I know from your previous posts that you have been taking care of him for a long time. How long has he been in the NH? Is he on hospice?
My mom was so efficient, did so much for others and always made it seem easy.
When my dad got sick they were in their 80s. I didn’t realize how difficult it was on her for a very long time. Once when he had gotten out of the hospital I was annoyed with her because she kept disappearing into her garden and leaving me to deal with all his requests. I felt like the garden should be forgotten. I was overwhelmed with him having only been there for just a few hours. Not once did I worry that it might be more than my mom could handle. I had never seen anything she couldn’t handle. This all because she was NOT a complainer or one to ask someone else to do what she felt was her responsibility. I didn’t have a clue.
I am NOT trying to take their side, I am just saying sometimes “kids” do not know what it takes. MOST people don’t know what it takes, until they have done the care themselves.
Sendhelp has the right idea that they should hang out at the NH and do the care.
I wonder if you were out of the picture would they still be wanting to bring him home? Are they asking if they can bring him there so they can take care of him or so you can take care of him?
I think I would consider it if he had a limited time to live and they were both willing and able to do the care. I mention a limited time to live because they will also burn out if this goes on for an extended time.
Since you didn’t mention dementia, did your DH agree to going to the NH?
I am sorry you have this extra stress. Trying to find the right balance would be very difficult without the input and understanding of all parties affected.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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MaryMerc May 14, 2024
Thank you for your helpful advice. Yes, they knew before hand. I know they meant well but that's about it. I don't see them helping when I need it.
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Thank everyone for your helpful advice. I feel so much better and less guilt ridden.
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Reply to MaryMerc
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AlvaDeer May 12, 2024
Don't do "guilt" Mary. You didn't cause what happened to your hubby and you can't fix it. You CAN kill yourself with it, but that would really leave those judgemental kids alone, wouldn't it.
Guilt requires responsibility and an ability to fix something while choosing not to. That's not you. The word for you is GRIEF. You are already grieving your hubby and your human limitations and now you get to grieve that your kids are --well, let's be kind and say immature.
Thanks for responding to us.
Stand up to them. On top of all else on your plate you don't need a dollop of their judgement.
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So glad we have Elizabeth who is in her 80s and I loved 97s response. I too had a mother who never complained. Never asked for help. Dad was not bedridden till the last 5 wks of his life. Hospice was there but as we know, not 24/7. She never asked anything of me.

Your children have no idea whats involved in caring for someone. It surprises me when I read about parents who tip toe around children. That would never have happened with my parents. If my Mom had made the decision to place my Dad, we would have not said anything.

My first response, if my kids questioned my decision would be, are you going to care for him. If not, why do you feel at 87 I can do it. Then tell them what is involved in caring for him.

You have made the right decision, do not allow ur children to have you question your decision. If they say something again, tell them this was your decision and a hard one but you can not physically care for Dad. They have no say in the matter and you want nothing more to be said. Be the parent.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Ask them to which of their homes you will be bringing him because it most certainly will NOT be to yours.

Happy Mother's Day! Enjoy today.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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NeedHelpWithMom May 14, 2024
Perfect response, NY!
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Excellent answers from the posters on this thread.

Or you can make your answer short and sweet with one single word, “No!” without any further explanation.

Saying ‘No’ in this situation is truly self explanatory.

Best wishes to you. You have done well by placing your husband in a facility where he is cared for around the clock.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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casole May 14, 2024
Love this and the expression "No is a complete sentence".
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I can’t believe they expect an 87 year old to take this on at home .
Tell the kids to go spend a day with Dad in the nursing home and do all the care for him , then they will see why you can’t do it !!
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Reply to waytomisery
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I’m so sorry your 60 ish children feel this way, and the answer is NO, NO, NO. They are ridiculous to be laying this on you. Take care of yourself, and don’t let them feed you them make you feel guilty. It is not your obligation. Hugs to you.
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Reply to Odaat59
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"children" would "like" . thats all I'm going to post in my response.
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Reply to strugglinson
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CaregiverL May 15, 2024
They’re no longer children… they’re baby boomers, like me…in their 60s
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You've got two options. Either you tell them that their father is exactly where he needs to be to get the best care (and that you aren't going to discuss it any further) OR you tell them that if they want him home you will be happy to help them coordinate a move to one of THEIR homes - because you need to focus you energy on caring for yourself and his care is - reasonably - more than you can juggle alone.

Pros for Option 1: End of discussion - not up to them - and they can't change it - tell them you aren't engaging with them regarding this topic any longer.

Cons for Option 1: They may never let it go - but so what - it's not up to them and you know that they aren't willing to do anything more than complain about it.

Pros for Option 2: LOL I guess if one of them bites (they won't) then you don't have to pay for a nursing home any longer (or if he is on Medicaid, then they don't have to pay any longer). And of course "people that know everything" will be taking care of him and you won't have to worry (sorry that is sarcasm in case it wasn't clear).

Cons for Option 2: If one of them bites, there is a HUGE chance that after a few months his care will be too much for them and they will either start a campaign for you to bring him to YOUR home or start complaining that their siblings aren't helping enough.

What they really want is for YOU to bring him home to YOUR home - they may promise to help but in reality they just want to lean into "we saved dad from the home", when the reality is that he actually needs to be exactly where he is - for both of you.

My FIL's sister (10 hours away and hadn't set her eyes on him in over 10 years, only talked on the phone) launched a hard ball campaign that we had put my FIL in a hell hole - she hit us with a smear campaign with what family he had left and her goal was to make it look like every effort wasn't made to help him.

We offered to let her come see him, see where he was, and that he was well taken care of - but also that he was beyond our care as a family in his home. She never believed it, she was of the opinion (and she pushed this agenda HARD with him) that we had thrown him away and made her opinions clear. But when we offered to let her come see him - her response (there are no hotels close enough to where he is now) was underwhelming. FYI - there were at least 10 within WALKING distance, never mind driving. Each time we offered - she came up with some excuse as to why she "couldn't" come see him. They wouldn't video chat because he didn't want her to see how bad off he really was.

And she relished in trying to "save him", calling government officials to have them investigate this "horrible place" where we put him (ranked as one of the top facilities in our state by Medicare, Medicaid and the residents and families). But wasn't once prepared to even see him with her own eyes.

It is very easy for people who aren't doing the caregiving - to want to assign the task to YOU.

Shut them down - they don't get a vote.
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Reply to BlueEyedGirl94
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Dogwood63 May 15, 2024
"It is very easy for people who aren't doing the caregiving - to want to assign the task to YOU.
Shut them down - they don't get a vote."

^^^^ That's the truth right there!
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Tell them that their father is a very sick man now and you cannot care for him at home.
They can move him into one of their homes and go bankrupt paying for homecare because insurance is not going to pay for round-the-clock care in a private home. So they'll have to pay for it. That should be enough to shut them up.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Tell them absolutely not. Period end of discussion. You can all go out for day trip. Tell adult children who obviously no clue about his condition, they must be full time caregivers & change catheters & empty bag, change diapers for poop 💩, be able to transfer from bed to wheelchair & vice verse, give him bed baths, cook/prepare meals, do his laundry, schedule home dr visits .
After you’re done with listing all the chores they’ll have with their father, ask them if they have any questions. Hugs 🤗
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Reply to CaregiverL
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MaryMerc,
I have read all the responses here.
Your grown children may be interested to hear that in about 5 years on the Forum I have never seen us so in agreement, so in support, and so wanting to hug the heck out of someone asking a question.
Of course, your grown children may NOT want to hear that.
But then you didn't want to hear what you had to hear either.
So why not give them a dose about what the world thinks of their suggestions and opinions, because honestly, I am one to give the OPs who write us a horrible time. I literally rake them over the coals.
You have our undying love and support.
Let the kids know that.
Tell them they had better shape up before we find a mess of pitchforks.
I am kidding you and teasing you, but just to let you know, you have our utter sympathy here.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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A question to the group from me:
What happens if OP MaryMerc is officially POA, and one of the children take her into their house, with inadquate supervision/ care. Can MaryMerc be legally liable if she is still POA?
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Reply to strugglinson
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JoAnn29 May 17, 2024
This is really a question for a lawyer. IMO, a POA is for financial only. Meaning its up to you to make sure his bills are paid. You can hire people, with his money, to do his grocery shopping, clean his home and care for him. You to not need to be at his beck and call nor physically care for him. If he chooses to go live with someone else, IMO, that person has agreed to take on his care. Your responsibility is to make sure that thisv person has the money to offset the cost of food, clothing, maybe contribute to rent. You could check on Dad andvif you feel he is not being properly cared for, then report to APS.
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