My mother who now lives in my home, is 93 with dementia and since her stroke last has been on Hospice. As she also has congestive heart failure and is unable to walk since her stroke, she lays in bed appearing to wait for the end which saddens me but I try to keep reminding myself that death is part of life. Both the Hospice Chaplin and friends tell me to need talk with my Mother and to let her know that I will be all right after her death and that it will make it easier for her to let go. and I know they are right, BUT, talking to her about the subject brings me to tears and I find it very difficult. Is there an easier way to talk about the subject of death with someone who going to die.
I will share with you a couple of my experiences.
My Dad died in 1974 when he was 61. He had Mesothelioma. The doctors flat out lied about his condition. Nothing legal was taken care of because he thought he was going to live. To make a long story short, his family doctor realized that no one had told him. The cancer doctors wouldn't return her calls. So, she was going to tell him. I told her I could do it. On Friday night we sat on the edge of the bed and I told him. He said he wanted to keep fighting (he was 61 years old). I said OK, on Monday we got a lot of legal things taken care of. On Tuesday he put in his retirement papers with the union. This enabled Mom to get a pension. Wednesday I took him to spend a few days with my brother. By the next Wednesday, he couldn't sign his name. That is how close it was. If he hadn't retired, mom wouldn't have had a pension. I cringe on how close it was. If it hadn't been for Dr. Fostvedt my mom would have been up the creek without a paddle. I would not wish this death on anyone. I walked that path again 4 years ago with my good friend from work who was 57.
My mother was almost 95 when she was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. The doctor gave her 2 weeks to 2 months. We brought her home with us and hospice came in. At the end of 2 weeks. She was walking down the hall with a walker and she said. "WELL, DAMMIT, IT HAS BEEN TWO WEEKS AND I AM STILL HERE". I reminded her that the doc said it could be 2 months. She repeated the above sentence. She lasted about another week. She went peaceful, for a cancer that is supposed to be terrible painful, she had no pain. She didn't even need an aspirin.
My friend that died with Mesothelioma, hung on until he knew his parents had to leave. He told me he did not want them there because he was afraid they would move in with his wife. They day they said they had to leave, he passed.
I want to give you HUGS and HUGS. I am 86 and had so many loved ones die. My Aunt, who was 91, thanked me for coming to help my cousin. I had to out in the hall and cry with that one.
make these times happy.
Find a magazine.. Readers Digest has good fun SHORT STORIES. small readings, jokes,and things to ponder. a bit lighter than:;; GO TO THE LIGHT
Womens day magazine has small stories too, and a lil section of Angels in our lives.
so, if you want to spend some time.. just read out loud to her. a little.. It can be anything you or she likes subject wise.
Make it happier. play music, dance holding hands if she cannot walk.. hold her hands and "dance". The more people you can gt to join in, the happier it will be.
send her in the right direction on a happy note.. no need to tell her goodbye every single time.. Just say, goodnight.. I will see you tomorrow with a fun movie to watch, music to listen to, or stories to read.. happy... hopefully :)
No doubt, each situation is difficult but not expecting death and being told someone died suddenly in an accident, heart attack, or especially suicide is shocking for us.
We feel cheated with a sudden death that we didn’t have the chance to say goodbye.
As for when to have the good bye conversation, look for a moment when your loved one is feeling relaxed. Ease into it. If they don't seem open to talking don't force it. Pray together if they are willing.
Having a spiritual life is comforting for most.
I know a woman who just turned 80 this month.
She has enormous love for God, but she tells me that she is afraid to die.
It’s very personal to each individual.
When I asked her what she was afraid of. She said, “What if I don’t make it to heaven?”
I told her that God’s mercy and forgiveness was bigger than any of her sins but my words did not comfort her.
She is terrified to die. It’s sad.
plus YouTube videos
I went after my mother died.
Wish I had known some of the subjects ahead of her death. I would have coped better afterwards.
You don’t have to go to all of the meetings. More the better but go when you can.
That is beautiful beyond any other words I can say!
Did your mom talk about death or prolonged illness when she was healthy? Did she plan for her death?
It is difficult to start a conversation that may have been "taboo" in the past.
The best way is to just dive into the deep end of the pool and go for it.
Maybe start with the Chaplains suggestion that telling her that you love her and you are going to miss her but you are going to be alright. You can ask her if she would like to plan her funeral.
What she wants to wear, what songs, what passages if any she wants read.
Use this time to cry.
Crying is good, it is a release (you look like crap after a good cry but it is well worth it) The fix is a pint of ice cream eaten from the container with a big spoon
Use this time to hold her hand. Crawl into bed with her if you want. The sense of touch is so important and she needs that as do you.
To not want someone that is in pain or someone that has no quality of life to "hang on", to not die is selfish on our part. I know that my Husband would not have wanted to live any longer in the shell that he had become. He was no longer the smiling, funny, loving man with laughing blue eyes I had married 32 years previously he was empty.
I THOUGHT I was prepared, I thought I was ready but the morning he died I felt as if someone had ripped the heart out of my chest and stomped on it. (still feels that way sometimes and it will be 4 years in 12 days)
You will get through this.
This is important for your mom as much as it is for you.
I'd spell mother off a few days a week, so she could get out and away from FT caregiving.
Daddy and I would watch cartoons, or visit, as he desired. A lot of time he just wanted me to sing to him. It was Christmastime and so I had a really big repertoire of songs---I'd sing and sing and he loved it. I cried a LOT. And that's OK. By the time he left us, we had all told him all we had to say to him and one of those things was that we were going to be OK. He could go. The night he died, we all gathered in his room and each of us, who chose to, offered a prayer. Most of us prayed for a gentle good-night for him.
He didn't want to die at the 'holidays' and he didn't. 12:45 am on New Year's Day. One of the sweetest things I've ever been a part of.
You have the most beautiful heart. The world needs more people like you. It would certainly be a better place.
That being said, practice at anything makes it easier. Try practicing in different methods as a dress rehearsal to "the talk." Write notes about what you want to say. Take time in the shower (when nobody can hear you) and practice saying good bye. Take time alone to pray and ask God for strength and peace. Read portions of the Bible that deal with death and the afterlife. In a couple of days, you should find the poise you need to talk to mom and give her permission to depart when she is ready.
As an RN, I have been at many bedsides where a person passed from life. Most people hold on until they feel their life tasks are complete: visits from family and friends completed, given permission to leave, any life tasks left will be completed by others, and last rites for those who desire them. Some people leave with everybody in attendance. Others choose to slip away when they have privacy. Know that giving your mom permission to leave, eases her concerns at the end of her life.
If she can still speak, take your lead from her. Answer questions she has and perhaps those answers will tell her you'll be okay. I don't think there is an easy way to say goodbye.
I called my mother in law ‘mom.’ She told me when I became engaged to her son not to remain formal.
She insisted that I call her by her first name or ‘mom’ if I desired. It was easy for me to call her mom. She was a lovely woman.
We were extremely close, even closer than I was to my own mom. She tried to prepare me for her death.
She had non Hodgkin’s lymphoma that had gone into remission for five years.
When mom’s cancer returned returned she sought treatment at M. D. Anderson but there wasn’t any chance of her beating it.
She was ready to go. She told me all of the things in her life that she had been grateful for.
I didn’t realize that it was the end. Looking back I see now that I was in complete denial.
Mom was really concerned about me because I kept telling her to fight and that she would beat it again.
Mom was wise enough to see that I wasn’t hearing her message to me. Plus, she was exhausted. She had fought as hard as she could.
During a hospital visit her oncologist said to me very matter of factly, “Let’s go take a walk.” I told her, “Sure.”
We walked down a long hospital corridor and she told me that mom was concerned about me. I said, “Well, she doesn’t have to be. She’s going to beat this cancer again and I am praying for a miracle because I can’t lose her.”
This incredible oncologist said to me, “Go ahead and pray for your miracle but as her doctor I am telling you that she is dying and you are being very selfish. She told me that she wants you to accept her death and she asked me to speak to you. Please go into your mother in law’s room and tell her that you will accept her death and be fine.”
As soon as I heard the doctor call me selfish I snapped out of my denial. Some people may have been offended with this doctor. She’s a ‘no nonsense’ woman! I was grateful that she spoke to me honestly but with compassion.
I followed the doctor’s orders. Mom died not long afterwards. Mom died at 68, just a few years older than I am now.
I felt that she left this world too early but I am so grateful for the 15 plus years that I had her as a mother in law.
I became grateful that she was no longer suffering. She was ready to die. Some people are scared. She wasn’t the least bit frightened by death.
My father in law couldn’t handle her suffering and he caused a lot of anxiety for everyone.
My mother in law was the best! She was treated horribly by her mom and mother in law and promised me that she would never hurt me.
She kept her word! She broke cycles of abuse. I adored her! May she Rest In Peace. She will live in my heart forever.
Your feelings are normal. We go through a range of different emotions. It’s hard to cope. I wish peace for you and your mom.
Nicely said -
When my dad had fast advancing Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer, I brought hospice in. We had them set up the hospital bed in the room where he spent all his years playing the organ and his keyboard. I then brought my CD player along with all my soft, instrumental CD's and had them playing in the background. He was no longer talking but the day before he died, I sat and read to him and then the next day, I sat alone with him beside his bed and sang some hymns preparing him for his new eternal home to come. I think that turned out to be the best thing for both of us!
He had his say the week prior by telling my mom, myself and my husband that he wasn't afraid to die and that was the end of that conversation.
He died with very minimal pain as well as peacefully. I was so grateful for that in spite of the terrible grief and shock having experienced death for the first time.
I agree with many of the different aspects that every one who has commented up to this point has said.
There is nothing easy about broaching the subject and in a way I don't know if you necessarily should. I know with my mom on hospice right now, I have not brought it up. The Chaplain has not told me to do/say anything of the sort either.
I truly believe, that we ourselves do not choose when we die. When our time is up, it's up. No one can stop it or prevent it from happening. It is out of our hands and control. When one sees it like that, it frees your mind up from trying to figure out how to have those types of unsettling conversations and allows you to focus on being and talking with your loved one as things are in the moment. If something needs to be said on your part, say it. If she needs to hear something from you, say it so there are no regrets later on. I feel like letting things take their natural course eliminates the extra anxiety and stress that one puts on themselves. It goes along with living in the moment and enjoying what can be enjoyed at the time or dealing with a specific caregiving situation. If she were the one that wanted to talk about it, then that would be a whole different situation and I would listen to her concerns.
Now what I'm not talking about are the situations where someone has been recently diagnosed with a terminal illness. In that case it's important to talk about future plans for everyone involved and then implementing those plans.
As "ZippyZee" said - if you need to cry it out, do so. I look at crying as a healthy response to what is going on inside of us - a type of purging as you will. I know when I've had a good cry, I feel better and a sense of calmness follows. Some of it would be the "anticipatory grief" we can go through prior to our loved one actually dying.
All that being said, try to see how things flow naturally and don't worry about the rest - you probably already have enough to worry about as it is.
May God give you some peace and comfort in these moments and continue to take care of mom and yourself.