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Another kodak moment in the books with my difficult 90 year old argumentative mother. A few weeks ago, she told me none of her watches worked anymore ..when I told her they probably needed batteries she argued with me and my husband that watches only needed to be wound up and none had batteries anymore. As I had a prior part time job in watch repair, I offered to take them home and replace all the batteries, which I did. My husband and  I took them over when we picked her up to take her to dinner. She still argued that they didnt need batteries . I took one of the covers off and showed her and she STILL seemed like she didn't believe me or my husband, who said he watched me replace them! I gave her all the watches back and told her to put them in her jewelry box. Today, when I dropped off her groceries, she said she couldn't find the watch hes and she told me I took them back to my house. I then helped her search and asked if maybe one of the cleaning staff might have taken them as they were all together in bag ..She said that couldn't possibly happen . I know she has early dementia but she has misplaced them and refuses to acknowledge that she lost them somewhere in her apartment.. She had me call my husband who said yes, we brought them back to her and she still won't believe us. I left with her screaming at me that I must still have them. At my wits end. She challenges and doesn't believe anything I tell her. I guess I will have to start taking photos of everything I do with ,and for her. It's exhausting and ridiculous...I'm 66 and wonder when I can have my own life without all her drama and paranoia.

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Stop arguing with her and practice selective deafness. It works wonders.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2021
Selective hearing can be heavenly! My husband’s grandfather used to take out his hearing aids when his wife wouldn’t shut up! He was happy as could be not being able to hear her. 😆 LOL He was very smart to not wear his hearing aids when she was yelling at him.
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Looked everywhere .....She has the staff on a pedestal and her only adult child that helps her (me) as the target for her miserable self centered existence. The most frustrating part of this is that there is not ONE thing she is told that she will not challenge. She gets angry when she sees a new building on TV in her old neighborhood and feels that things should never change. Refuses to learn how to use a cell phone ( probably a win for me, though) and is jealous that I have a good relationship with my brother who removed himself from her abuse years ago. She treats my very patient and acommodating husband like trash, and yet will try to get him to agree with her against me. She has been a Narcissist all her life, and is getting worse every day. I have learned to survive by limiting contact and thinking of her as a client ( Im a retired social worker ..wish I could retire from this !) Thank you for responding ..
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darlene4u Jun 2021
thanks
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Why argue? You’re not happy and she’s not happy. Let her stuff float.

JUST REMEMBER- you are an intact grown up. She is a vulnerable, failing adult. You are no longer her child. SHE is the child.

Don’t waste your time on nonessentials.

It JUST isn’t worth it.
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tygrlly1 Jun 2021
Thank you..that is my mantra , but just need to stick to it !
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Hello Everyone! Update....
Just received a call from mom....she found the watches( surprise) ...She had wrapped them in a handkerchief and thats why I didnt see them hidden in the back of her drawer when I looked today....I told her I was glad she found them , bit my tongue to stifle the snarky remark that came to mind) and nicely told her I appreciated her telling me ...and I was ready to hang up and finish our supper ,
when she said "I still dont believe you replaced them..I m sure your husband fixed them." Time for a cocktail .
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2021
She hid them from herself and naturally blamed you!
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Nice that she is in a Community that has levels. But realize, placing her in the AL section may come sooner then later. There comes a time they should not be alone. I think they first things they lose is the ability to reason. My Mom used to frustrate me because I couldn't understand why she believed a 25 yr old challenged nephew over me. "But he needs friends" The friend was a woman 10 yrs older than him with 2 kids, father had custody of. She was taking money off him. He has the mentality of maybe a 19/20 yr old. But he needs friends. Looking back I realize that Mom was in the early stage of her Dementia. I think they realize things are not quite right thats why lashing out. She had a personality disorder before? It will probably worsen. TG you have a friend in the same boat. I had a hard time laughing about my Mom. Thought I was being disrespectful. My daughter said its laugh or cry and she worked with Dementia patients.

Don't argue, you won't get thru to her. Short-term makes it hard for them to remember from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. What you could have done with the watches is just take them, put the batteries in them, and return them to where she had them. This is how you are going to need to deal with things. As soon as she starts to argue, let the subject go. Its not that important that she understand.
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tygrlly1 Jun 2021
Thanks Joanna

My mistake was handing the watches back to her after replacing all the batteries instead of just putting them back in her bedroom.,but then she would have moved them again anyway and forget where she moved them to. I was happy that she called to tell me that she found them and share where they are now for the next time she loses them again. I am very prepared and realize that she is approaching AL ..while still trying to encourage her to maintain her independence in what she is currently still successful in ..balancing her checkbook, making simple meals , doing laundry..and me being there in the wings when she asks for help..which is not too often. I can gladly give more help, but it is the constant challenging everything she asks me about , and then doesnt believe me. That is what is wearing me down and bringing all my anger and resentment. I can understand it , but still dread every interaction.
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“Refuses to acknowledge” maybe means that mental process is gone now. Believing that watches don’t have batteries, even after being shown a battery in one, maybe means she can only think of past watches that indeed, had no batteries. Your mother’s abilities are slipping away, she’s likely even more argumentative as she tries to hang on to what all is being lost. Accepting her new reality is hard for your both, and arguing with her is fruitless and frustrating.
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tygrlly1 Jun 2021
Yes, thank you..you are right and I have accepted this as what is probably happening...it is difficult because she still lives in her own apartment, balances her checkbook, does her own cooking and cleaning , of which she is very proud, and I dont want to take that away from her. I do her shopping because she has a lot of arthritis and trouble ambulating through grocery stores...she makes a list and I get her groceries for her after I order them online. But it is sooo hard ....she told me today that I am selfish because my husnad and I take a vacation once a year.
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tgrlly-
Hi there,
I understand your frustration. The family members that do the day-to-day care are always the ones in the cross hairs!
Do you think that your mom has progressed a bit further? She sounds like she's starting to be lost in time, which would be a bit further along than early dementia. If that's the case, she's probably not going to be able to learn something new like a new model of a cell phone.
With your background you may have already seen this--it follows along the 7 stages of dementia, but has a checklist as well that really helped me define what losses my mom was experiencing:
https://tamcummings.com/stages-of-dementia/

I found reading this helpful in understanding why it was a waste of time to try to use reason to explain some things to my mom. We had some epic 'discussions'. Now I just agree with her and we move on...
http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf

Perhaps the cleaners threw out the bag by accident?
Do you think you can get some extra assistance from an aide to give you and your husband a break and a chance to breathe?
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tygrlly1 Jun 2021
Thanks so much...watches found...Please see my new post. Yes, I think she is progressing dementia wise, especially short term memory . But her personality disorder seems to be really advancing. She becomes very irate when my husband and I take our infrequent vacations to go visit out of state kids and grandkids. The one time we took her with, she ruined everyone,s visit by telling everyone what a lousy husband I have. She has been nasty all of her life, and much more so after my wonderful dad passed 9 years ago. She made his life miserable.
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This reminds me of the time my demented mother insisted the thieving staff at her ALF stole her silver heart necklace with my father's ASHES in them. Cremains. I told her to complain to the Executive director, so she did. Along with all the other old ladies she ate with who concurred that they too had been ripped off by the no good, thieving staff at the ALF! So the Executive director told her there was nothing he could do for her personally, but to feel free to call the Sheriff to file a report.

One of the other residents did just that....she called the Sheriff after my mother got her all riled up!

So the Sheriff shows up at my mother's door along with the Executive director. The sheriff says, I hear you've had a necklace stolen? My mother says, "I have no idea what you're talking about, I've never had anything stolen in my life!" And proceeds to slam the door to her apartment in their faces! 😂

She, of course, gets right on the horn to me to loudly complain about the NERVE of the Sheriff to show up at her door like that! I was like ma, you were expected to put your money where your mouth is for once! Instead, you denied your claim and slammed the door in her face!

The next day I went over to the ALF. The executive director and I had a laugh over the whole incident, and I told him I had no idea how on earth he was able to deal with all the b.s. that went on among these old ladies 24/7.

Then I went upstairs to my mother's apartment. I went into her closet and pulled out her jewelry box, with her hollering WHAT ARE YOU DOING? the whole time. I pulled out the silver heart necklace with my father's cremains in it and held it up for her to see. What is THAT? She wanted to know. It's the necklace the thieving staff stole from you, mom, is what I told her. It's been in your jewelry box where you put it this entire time.

She's never worn that necklace again. I have no idea where it is, in fact, she probably threw it in the trash knowing how mean natured she is.

She also tells me her watch is "broke" every time I see her. I took the damn thing home and changed the dead battery, but she still says it's "broke". Truth is, she can't tell time anymore and just wears the watch cuz it looks nice. Until one of the thieving staff steals it.

I hope that story gave you a bit of a laugh. God knows we cry enough already over all the crap they put us thru. Gotta laugh whenever we can, right? 😁
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tygrlly1 Jun 2021
Yes....laughter is so important! Along with friends who are also dealing with their elderly difficult parents....and a nice cocktail now and then doesnt hurt either! I could so relate to your story. Please see my new update! Thanks for sharing!
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It sounds as if mom's dementia has progressed further down the rabbit hole. Arguing with her serves no purpose. Her mind works the way it works and nothing you say will penetrate. Your mother may now be entering what I call - bizzaro world, alternate reality, or alternate universe. Unless she left her watches somewhere before she got to the apt. or some unscrupulous staff took them, they are probably hidden somewhere in her unit. If mom is argumentative just give non-committal answers and try and move the conversation on and take care of the contentious issue later (like replacing the watch batteries - just tell mom you'll have them repaired). You're going to be finding a lot of landmines scattered around and by experience you'll learn to deal better - though sometimes there is just no avoiding the landmines and the big explosion.

Is mom still able to live independently with minimal assistance or is mom taking more and more of your time? Make a list of all you do for her - are there new items on the list not there previously? Is it time to get some in-home aids to help her more?

When is your mother due to visit her dr again. Tell the doc your concerns and have them do an assessment. Depending on the results, you may want a referral to a neurologist that specializes in dementia.

While mom may not yet need to move to the next level of care get prepared now. Start looking into the next level of care - is she in a continuing care community where she can move easily to the next level. If not, I'd start looking at AL or MC facilities and tuck the top contenders away for when the move will be necessary - and if you think mom is angry now just wait until you try and get her to move to the next level.

One bit of advise - look for humor - where ever you can find it. Laugh often - it will take some of the stress away - even if only temporarily. Mom's brain is now broken - logic and reason are no longer available to her - she is going more and more into a world of her brain's own making - occasionally you will need to visit her alternate universe to make her happy or soothe her agitation.

I wish you and your family blessings of peace, grace and love.
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tygrlly1 Jun 2021
Thanks so much..please see my new post. She lives in a senior community with continuum of care , so that base is covered when she needs it. Im prepared for a huge fallout , but she loves where she is living and loves the staff and Director , so hope it will be a bit easier. She has a Dr appt in July and I am in regular contact with her Dr who backs me up and she thinks he walks on water, so I will again confer with him before her appt.
I have been told I have a great sense of humor, ( mandatory to survive these crazy times ) and my best friend is also dealing with very similar issues with her 90 year old mother, so we hold regular "Mommie D" conferences with each other, which helps so much!
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Maybe look in the refrigerator/freezer for the bag?
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tygrlly1 Jun 2021
Already did! Thanks for your repsonse...
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