Continuous defensive behavior since dad's passing. Any advice?

How can a resentful person be gracious? I firmly believe that resentments are the triggers for cancer, so you need to look for another way to live the rest of your life. Your mom cannot change her thinking, so why even try to convince her to change?

It is time to place her in independent living near you, so that you and the children can visit; if you're truly "too busy," drop the kids off and give them some things to do or discuss with grandma. You will learn many lessons as you age and find that your children are "too busy" for you.

Hello,
I'm sorry for the loss of your father and this difficult situation. I had a friend in a similar situation and the mother did not want to be in the family house (but didn't want to sell it straight away), so they decided to rent out the family home for a while. This let things settle down before making permanent big decisions like possibly selling the family home. Could you maybe talk to your mother about renting out the family home (which will bring in some income for her), and she can get a smaller rental apartment/house for a few months and that way there is a temporary solution until you can all decide if you want to sell the property? It probably will be a hassle to start with (moving things into storage and re-arranging the family home to let it out), but perhaps worth doing as it gives you and your mother another temporary option, without making big permanent life changing decisions (like selling the house). It will also distract your mother as she can look for an apartment or house to rent for a short while (suggest it being like a vacation for her) and it will keep her mind busy on other things. You could suggest it as just a 'trial' for a while - if your mother lived in a rental property (for say about 6-12 months) and she rents out the family home, then see how it goes?

I am Mom's age. I would be brokenhearted if my DH died. That doesn't mean I would quit living myself. DH wouldn't want that. Help Mom to find her way back to life. She needs to move home. Let her come visit often, but your family needs some privacy. How about weekly dinner at your house? Everyone else has great ideas about contacting her friends, their place of worship, local seniors groups, hobby clubs, finding out about classes at local senior centers, etc.

Remind Mon that you just lost your father and you can't stand to see her curl up and die too. She needs therapy, medication, and above all to keep busy. She has a lot to do besides your family. It won't help her to keep avoiding her own life. If Mom's entire life was taking care of Dad this is much harder for her to grasp. Find her a senior travel group and sign her up for day trips. Build up to longer excursions. She may find that she enjoys life but doesn't know how to do these things for herself.

Please seek grief support for yourself and your mother; individually and perhaps together.

She may balk and refuse. So be it. Go yourself.

Grief is fluid and can be complicated by many factors and, also complicate many aspects of ones continued life.

Have her see her PCP , speak frankly about the avoidance situation she exhibits , timelines to work on for appropriate boundary setting etc etc.

If she or you have faith based pastoral/ clergy , please involve them for your much needed support.

Get professional help for both of you to begin the healing process .

By allowing her to control the situation by avoiding her home is only digging the wound deeper.

Pfamx5: Perhaps your mother needs to visit a grief counselor.

She doesn't realize that the changes in dad/husband's passing affect all of you. She needs time to heal, but so does your family. She is creating change that you are not comfortable with - and there is no time limit.

I suggest that you go with her to see a grief counsellor to work towards her becoming comfortable being in her home alone. It might also help for her to join a grief group like GriefShare to help her learn new ways of coping and make some friends.

It might help if you get her to agree to time when she will allow you and your children to be without her in the evenings - even if she is in your home. Negotiate this, probably with help of a counsellor.

Pfam, how are you doing?

You aren’t a bad daughter. She can’t see it burdens you when she is there so much . Sounds like counseling for her would help- a grief group or therapy for her grief. Grief is normal and also sounds like some great of being alone. Sounds like she avoids feelings. Never be made to feel guilty. That should be addressed in counseling also.
it was a huge blow to her to lose her husband , but I am sure you all have grief so you all can’t be her in her husband’s role.
are there friends of hers that can take her to eat or event .
also volunteering would fill her time. Any grandkids she can go to their school and volunteer read to kids or help a teacher with a school play

Thinking about this as the 67 year old married grandmother that I am, if this happened to me, I would say your children’s needs come first. Your marriage (if you are married) and family are your number one priority. Coming to grips with the loss of her husband and figuring out what’s next are hurdles your mother will need to overcome. You cannot fix this for her. You are the boss of your household and you need to take control of it. She can’t just invite herself over to stay indefinitely. She and only she can figure it out. If she can’t live in her house anymore, then she needs to sell it and find another place to live.

I know you feel terrible for her, but stop with the guilt, it does not fix the situation. She won’t figure it out if you make it easy for her to not to come to terms with her loss. By todays standards she is still a young senior. She still has good years to live a fulfilling life.

Don’t cripple her chance to figure this out by enabling her.

Pfam, I am so sorry you feel like you are in a no win situation. That is a sucky place to be.

Since she has a problem with being in the house where your dad died, is it possible to get her a real estate agent to sell and relocate? Acknowledge that she can't cope with being in the house he died in. It's okay she can't be there, it's just not okay that she moved in on you without your agreement, that's all on her, please do not beat yourself up for rightfully feeling that that was not okay, it wasn't and it isn't.

I don't think anything drastic should be decided in the 1st year but, she already did that by moving in on you. So forward it is at this point.

My stepdad died in their living room and I think my mom couldn't get past that picture of finding him, she nutted out pretty bad. She didn't do anything for the 1st year, thankfully, then she sold the house and downsized. It has been really good for her. Her new neighborhood has community events, she is around all age groups( she loves children) and she is starting to recover. Phone calls aren't guilt trips, she isn't angry and basking in self pity all the time now. Thank The Lord.

So, if you can hold out to the 6 months she asked for, I know the next 30 days will feel like 30 minutes, underwater but, it takes her argument away, you have given her what she asked and you can move forward without accepting the guilt she has laid on you.

You have done nothing wrong, please do not own her F.O.G., I know it is easier said then done but, YOU CAN DO IT!

Circle the date on the calendar and keep your eye on the end result, not her and her manipulation. She can't help herself but, you can.

Great big warm hug full of strength for you!

This may sound strange. Is her house close to yours? If yes, and if mom is generally healthy and enjoys being with your kids (13, 11) , would it be possible for you to spend time at her house just to get some rest alone?

Could mom help you do something at your house or help the kids?

Pfamx5 my heart goes out to your family -- all of you, equally. But I'll speak to you, because I recently (Aug 31) lost my Dad. He had been very sick for a very long time and seemed, somehow, indestructible despite that -- I was not prepared for his last few months and actually ended up quitting a career I loved to try to pick up the slack of the practically nonexistent home healthcare available to seniors on social security and medicare only. He died 3 days later.

I've had a super hard time figuring out the right approach to take with my own mother. It's filled me with (pick a moment in time) love, resolve, anger, bitterness, hopelessness and, finally, its own kind of grief.

If my Mom were acting like the Mom I remember from before Dad got sick it would be easy to fall into her arms and grieve for my Dad. If my Mom hadn't been worn down by all the years of his terrible deterioration (not to mention age -- he was 83 and she's 82), I might have had the luxury of grief and might never of quit my job. But just when I lost one parent I find -- to be honest -- that I have to face the fact that the parent I grew up with who is still alive is also gone. In fact, may have been gone for longer than I have been willing to accept. That doesn't mean she is incapable of moving forward or that all hope is lost for a different kind of relationship.

It just means that part of losing my Dad, as it turns out, as been coming to terms with the fact that I've also lost the Mom I wish were still around to comfort me. The Mom I wish had told me I didn't need to quit my job (I did -- she was no longer able to make decisions to care for him). The Mom I wish to God didn't need me the way she does, and constantly apologizes for, now.

If asked, I would have told anybody that I would make a great caregiver, and that I was the white sheep of the family. In the end, I was a terrible caregiver and I've struggled in ways I wish I didn't have to (resentment) and am not happy with (disappointment in myself / recognizing I'm not as strong or as loving as I thought) when the people who raised me needed me most.

I do trust that at some point this will balance out and I will see things with more wisdom and compassion than I manage to do most days, these days. I'm sure you do, too.

I didn't start missing my Dad, really, until Thanksgiving Day -- a day I had kind of devoted to my Mom, who would just as soon I had left her to sleep through the whole thing.

This push pull of our different types of grief and our different futures and our love for our widowed mothers and our missing fathers... just brutal.

I wish you all love and peace in the coming months. I'm sure it will get better for all of us.

Pfamx5 I want to add something else, lest you think our situations are so different because your Mom is 67 and mine is 82: I started caring for my parents when they were both younger than your Mom is now. My mother seemed, physically, capable of working but just didn't. It seemed as if she should be able to be the strong, dependable person I'd grown up with -- but she wasn't. Not anymore. That person never did return, but I spent decades feeling angry with her for choosing not to get the right kind of help, and for failing to prioritize the impact they were having on me as she simply kind of settled in to a kind of hopelessness that none of us were able to make a dent in.

It honestly did not get easier. In fact, as I write this, I realize that her age and my Dad's passing may be a doorway to my being able to let go of some of that resentment. If the person I grew up with had been faced with all this -- I thought -- she would have found the strength to make the right decisions for herself. As it turns out, the person I grew up with had vulnerabilities and mental roadblocks that utterly prevented her from making decisions in the best interest of she and the family she so despairingly loved. That's incredibly sad.

You say your Mom is an amazing woman. I don't doubt that. Mine is too. Our biggest challenge now? It isn't taking care of them, in whatever way we can given our own lives and needs. Our biggest challenge might be coming to terms that people can be both strong and broken in ways we didn't understand, were unable to face, or were too angry to see in the past.

I know we're in different situations, but perhaps we have some similarities. I just wanted you to know that while I don't have solutions for you, I do have a lot of empathy.