Continuous defensive behavior since dad's passing. Any advice?

Have you discussed with your mom about selling her home and moving to a community either Assisted Living or Independent Living what ever level of care is best for her at this time?
She will have the noise and activity of a community and if she needs it she would have help.

You say you are feeling guilty because in an argument your mom did what you actually want her to do.
Let her go.
She is handing you the bag of guilt that she packed up.
It is your choice to take the bag of guilt from her.
I am sure you just don't want her to leave in anger. Let her manage her anger.
She may not want to go home because of the memories but she is not going to change that unless she moves on.
Has your mom been to any Bereavement Support Groups? I think it would help a lot. And going through the holidays is difficult enough after a loss, she needs to talk about and get support from others going through the same.

Let her sell her house and move into another house. Perhaps she is uncomfortable staying in the house where her husband died and moving away from that house will be the solution.

Perhaps this is a really ignorant post to you, if so, sorry. But could it be that your mom is just simply freaked out about living in a home where someone died? She may have thought that she could get beyond the feeling in six months but now realizes that the feeling isn't going away. IDK that she feels a dependency on you as much as she feels odd about living in the place where you dad died. Have you guys discussed maybe having her move to a new place?

what is your mom like around your house, does she help out, is she annoying, does she expect to be waited on hand and foot? just curious how much of a burden she is. i personally would never allow my mom to live with me but she has always been an irritating person to be around so i'm wondering if that is the same for you. my mom has always been completely dependent on my dad and was also blindsided and broken when he died, and she never got over it. but she was like a child and never lived on her own before so never learned to be independent at all. and she quickly slid into dementia and is now in memory care.

"She took in her elderly parents and cared for then till their last breath."

That's her expectation of you. It will take years to heal. I doubt her therapist is even dealing with her living situation, unless she has brought it up. Many professionals think it's perfectly fine for elders to live with daughters and for daughters to do all caregiving.

Why can't she go live with your brother for a while? Why did she leave there after only 10 days?

The general advice is to not make a change in your living situation after being widowed for a year. What is her home like? A single family home that she will have to maintain? Yardwork, etc.? Can she hire that all out? What is her financial situation? How far away is she from your brother?

If she can't stay in the home because your father died there, then maybe she will never be able to, and arrangements for a new living situation must be made now. Should she sell her house?

67 is young! She can have a wonderful next stage of her life.

I am 67. I can’t imagine myself moving in with either of my daughters if I suddenly became a widow.

I am not a widow so I can’t address that issue. Grief is complicated and everyone deals with it in their own way.

I agree with Margaret’s advice to you.

I see from a previous post that you wrote that she is seeing a therapist. Therapy can take awhile to be effective. I hope that she is willing to invest enough time into it to reach healthy goals. Make sure the therapist is dealing with her issues pertaining to grief.

Has her therapist ever requested for other family members to be present during her sessions? I would definitely go with her if at all possible.

One on one therapy is wonderful but so is family therapy. It gives the therapist a better understanding of the situation.

Another thought is that her home holds too many memories for her to bear. She is having extreme difficulty processing her emotions.

I know a woman whose only son (age 17) was murdered. She ended up moving out of her home because every room in her house held so many memories and being there was torturous for her.

Her husband wasn’t severely affected by the house but he agreed to move to help his wife move forward. Sometimes it isn’t running away from something but rather moving towards something new.

She and her husband sold their home and bought another one. This is an extreme measure but she found peace after she relocated to a new house without any memories of her her son.

You are between a rock and a hard place with trying to balance your own life with your family and your mom’s life and her struggles with grief. That’s a tough spot to be in.

I wish you and your mom all the best.

This may be on the ‘normal’ spectrum for M’s therapist, but it’s not working for you. Grieving for a year or even two is probably also ‘normal’, but it doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate it. A few ideas:

1) Go with her to her ‘grief therapist’. Assess how useful you think the therapist is – some just aren’t, they will agree with whatever the client says and are prepared to take many many sessions and dollars to move on. If you aren't impressed, push for a different therapist.

2) Tell the therapist that you cannot continue with this. Your own grief is not being respected, and you need your own time for that. You also need time for your family, who are your principal responsibilities. Ask the therapist to deal with M’s ability to deal with your needs and grief as well as her own.

3) Ask M if she feels uncomfortable in her house, and would she prefer to live somewhere different. It’s possible that its memories are overwhelming. Perhaps it’s the first time in her life she has lived alone, or spent a night on her own. Take her to see some particularly nice SL or AL places, and talk about plans for the future. It really is a good time for her to think about how she is going to live for the rest of her life. Get her to start packing up for the smaller home she is almost certain to need.

4) Send her away on a holiday. A tour for people of her age could give her new things to look at, think about, people to talk to. I know from my own experience that it can really really help. It doesn’t remove the problem, but it stops it overwhelming all your thoughts.

5) Let your husband be the one to make a stand. He can insist that she limits her stay, for his sake and for the sake of his children. Not negotiable. Not your fault. Your lines go like this: ‘I’ve never seen him so determined’. ‘I can’t keep going against his wishes’. ‘I’m not willing to break up my marriage over this, however unreasonable you or I think it is’.

Take a pin and shove it somewhere in the above list. Talk it through with your husband and your children. Each of these options is genuinely possible.

Love, Margaret

I'm wondering who else your Mother has to talk to about her recent grief? I'm also thinking about the times in our lives where some professional listening can help. Grieving & starting the process of adjusting to widowhood is a major life change. How would suggesting/helping her attend some 1:1 grief counselling sessions sound?

Some have had spouses with long-term terminal illnesses. Such drawn out grief & loss, but this can also bringing small steps of adjustment. I've met people who even downsized & moved house through that time.

Sudden illness, sudden departure I image brings shock instead. Wanting to hide away, stay close to known people may feel safe - be a normal reaction. But in the longer term, reconnecting with friends, her neighbourhood & activities will be needed. To open a new chapter of her own life.

Learning to drive her own life again will bring more reward than just being a passenger in yours.

Has your mom always been kind of difficult or is this truly new behavior?

Your mother is grieving and scared, yes, that's true. But she seems to be playing her trump card to the hilt here, too, relying on your kindness to buoy her instead of going thru the steps to grieve this loss properly. Plus, she's not acknowledging YOUR loss here as well. She lost a husband but you lost a father. She's using up all of YOUR energy, leaving none left over for you to grieve, or to show your own family the attention they need and deserve. Mom's acting like she's the only person in the world right now, and that's just not true.

At 67, she has a lot of life left in her yet. To move in with you indefinitely is to ignore that fact and to use you and your family as her crutch. The longer it goes on, the worse it will get for her to strike out on her own again, imo.

Ask her to leave but allow her to spend a couple of evenings a week with you and her grandchildren, that's my suggestion. Remind her how much you love her but reiterate that both of your lives need to get back to SOME semblance of normalcy now. Don't allow her passive-aggressive commentary about what you're "not doing for her" sway you. If the house dad died in is too traumatic for her to live in, offer to help her sell it so she can downsize into an apartment. Don't back down, just show her love while standing your ground. You're not a bad daughter, you're justifiably angry because you've been burdened with her presence (uninvited) for well over 4 months now with no end in sight without her having a meltdown. You've been given no opportunity to grieve your own loss for babysitting mom 24/7. You've both suffered a huge loss here but mom seems to think she's the only one who's suffering. Tell her how things REALLY are and be truthful but kind.

Good luck to you both, and my condolences on your loss.

Is this the kind of situation that would usually lead to you calling, apologizing, prostrating yourself in front of your mother in an "I'm so sorry mom"? If so, that's what she's waiting for.

My mom and I have had situations where ultimatums, extremes, and guilt-tripping were used as weapons in our history of interactions. Eventually I finally cut her out of my life with a nice verbose letter talking about all of the times she had stepped on me. My brothers were allowed to consistently kick her to the curb, leave her hanging, disrespect her, but me, ohohohohoh no.

"A son is a son until he gets a wife, a daughter's a daughter the rest of your life."

There are people who live and breathe this.

I will point out right now my tiny mommy is sleeping about 12' away from me right now, as I'm sitting on my PC here waiting for her next med dose so I can wake her up for it and she can get as many calm continuous hours of sleep as possible.

Putting my foot down did not, in fact, lead to the end of our relationship, or the end of my love to her, or hers to mine. What it did teach her is this amazing skill. She learned to say "I'm sorry" to ME for once. After her temper ran out and she whinged to me to everyone under the sun, she realized that in facet, yes, she was kind of being a selfish, over-asking, manipulative, ultimatum delivering *****. She learned to say "I'm sorry" and mean it.

Others mileage on this will vary. But, it required playing that game of "chicken" to the end.

You also lost your father and it's kind of absolutely ****ed of her to not think for half a moment about you.

You have done nothing wrong. It is not your job to be the volume dial on the sounds that blare out your mom's inner thoughts about her loss. YOU can't hear him either. YOU won't see him anymore either. This isn't all about HER. I'm sure you've prob said as much.

Some love needs to be delivered as tough love. You are not asking something unreasonable. Let her have her temper tantrum. Slap your own hand when you get the urge to call her back. Hug your hubby and kids. She's a grown woman, not a child. Don't react to a tantrum.

You’ve done more than you needed to do, and you shouldn’t feel guilt. A 67-year-old woman should have certain skills by this time. Lots of them manage quite well on their own and wouldn’t dream of causing the problems your mom has caused. Let her get mad. Stop catering to her neediness. Force her to stay there by telling her you need a break. Change the locks if you have to. If she needs company, she can find a housemate. It isn’t expected that you must provide a home for a parent who refuses to grow up.

Husband 42