How to convince my wife with dementia that she is at home?

Hi Bob. Last time you asked this question, I gave you the following reply:

Pick up a copy of the book Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller on Amazon so you can learn about dementia and how to deal with your wife and her confusion. She's regressed in time to when you were both young and is looking for the Bob of 30, 40 or 50 years ago, most likely. Here is a link to a good article on the very subject:

https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/stages-behaviors/memory-loss-confusion

Also call her doctor for calming meds which can help a lot. Ativan worked well for my mother.

5 things to remember when someone with dementia is asking to go home

1. Avoid arguing about whether they are already ‘home'
For a person with dementia, the term 'home' may describe something more than the place they currently live. Often when a person with dementia asks to go home it refers to the sense of ’home’ rather than home itself. 

‘Home’ may represent memories of a time or place that was comfortable and secure and where they felt relaxed and happier. It could also be an indefinable place that may not physically exist. 

It’s usually best not to try to reason or disagree with the person about where their home is.
If they don't recognise their environment as 'home' at that moment, then for that moment, it isn't home.
Advice
What not to say to somebody with dementia
Try to understand and acknowledge the feelings behind the wish to go home. Find out where 'home' is for them - it might not be the last place they lived. It could be where they lived before moving recently or it could be somewhere from their distant past. 

Often people with dementia describe 'home' as a pleasant, peaceful or idyllic place where they were happy. They could be encouraged to talk about why they were happy there. This can give an idea as to what they might need to feel better.

2. Reassure them of their safety
The desire to go home is probably the same desire anyone would have if we found ourselves in an unfamiliar place. 
Reassure the person verbally, and possibly with arm touches or handholding if this feels appropriate. Let the person know that they are safe. 

It may help to provide reassurance that the person is still cared about. They may be living somewhere different from where they lived before, and need to know they’re cared for.

3. Try diverting the conversation
Keep a photograph album handy. This could be a physical book or photos on a tablet or smartphone. Sometimes looking at pictures from the past and being given the chance to reminisce will ease the person’s feelings of anxiety. 

It might be best to avoid asking questions about the pictures or the past, instead trying to make comments: 'That looks like Uncle Fred. Granny told me about the time he....' 
Alternatively, you could try shifting the person's focus from home to something else - such as food, music, or other activities, such as going for a walk. 

4. Establish whether or not they are feeling unhappy or lonely
A person with dementia may want to 'go home' because of feelings of anxiety, insecurity, depression or fear.

5. Keep a log of when they are asking to go home
Certain times of the day might be worse than others. What seems to be the common denominator about these times? Is it near meal times (and would a snack perhaps help)? Is it during times when the environment is noisier than usual? Is it later in the day and possibly due to ‘sundowning’?
If you see a pattern, you can take steps to lessen or avoid some of the triggers.

*******
Your wife wants to go back to her childhood home. She's regressed in time to when she was a young woman and is looking for you as you were as a young man, and the home she lived in then. You're not going to convince her she's home because in her mind, she's NOT home. You need to meet her where SHE is, in HER reality, and stop correcting her. You need to learn about dementia and how to deal with your wife by reading about it.

Good luck

Bob, I suspect your wife is going back In time, or looking for a place that feels like home to her

I'm sure this is so heartbreaking for you. But you can't convince her of this, her brain is broken. I'm so sorry.
Best to not convince her, change the subject, tell her you will go home tomorrow, and hope she lets it go.

Are you the only one talking care of your wife? Do you have help?

Go on YouTube and learn everything you can about dementia. Some people like Teepa Snow, there are others, and good books

But I'm very sorry to say you will never convince her she is home. Home is really in are heart, so your wife just may not feel at home in her heart.

If you have old pictures or anything from your wife's past that you can bring out that may help.

Best of luck Bob, we are always here to lend an ear.

She means her childhood home most likely.

Hi

See if you can watch a Youtuber, his channel name is:

dsalnorcal

His father has dementia, and lives with him. He makes videos and shorts about this experience.

Back when my Mom was dealing with memory loss she use to say she wants to go home. I was puzzled at first, then she asked if the cows were back in the barn. Aha, Mom was talking about her childhood home, her parents had owned a dairy farm.


Any time my Mom would ask to go home, I used what was called a "therapeutic fib" by saying her parents were visiting the old county (which they did regularly). If Mom asked about all her siblings, I had to quickly come up with a fib that Mom would understand, and she accepted those "fibs" as she would smile.

About the only thing that calms my wife down on this issue is to tell her that she's 'at home, where she's loved'.

You can't convince her. Maybe something like "we're going to go later" and then distract her.

Bob, instead of trying to convince her that she is ‘home’, it might be nicer for both of you to get her to talk about what she likes about the ‘home’ she is imagining. You could have quite a good conversation about what she liked best, and what you are going to do when you manage to arrange to go ‘there’ for a visit. It might be worth a try – telling her about reality clearly isn’t getting either of you anywhere.

She probably means a childhood home.

Wife asks, "I want to go home."

You make a quick statement then ask her an open ended question as a diversion.

Your reply--try some of these--

Home is wonderful. What do you like best about home?
We are here now. What is the best thing about your home?
I like being at home too. When you are home what activities do you like to do?
The family is at home. What do you want for dinner?
You have a wonderful Mom and Dad. What do you want for dinner?
Your family is wonderful. What are your favorite things to do?

Quick response. Then diversionary open ended question. It should get her off of the loop.

Call her PCP or neurologist and talk to them. She may need her meds adjusted.
Her meds are not just about her, you count for something too in this puzzle.
I haven't been cussed at in almost 2 weeks now due to a recent med increase of just 25mg. That slight med change not only helped her, but also helped me.

The main point, as you have discovered, is that you can’t convince her of anything because that is her reality now. You need to join her where she is when you are speaking with her about things like this.

Bob, I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.

I hope you have help and support. We are always here to , give are best advice, we can

Thinking of you, 🙏

Im sorry that you and your daughters are dealing with this. There is no way to convince someone who is mentally ill of anything. She is no longer capable of reasoning and remembering. There are two things you can do to make this stage more tolerable for all involved. First find a neurologist who specializes in dementia and ask them to prescribe new meds or stronger meds with an anti anxiety and antidepressant. The second thing is what I call diversion conversation. When she says I want to go home, say something like "Home is where the heart is! Hey do you know where that blue bowl is? If she says she wants to go home again a little later, say something like "do you remember what year we bought this house?" If you can get her to think of something else, it can derail the loop they are on of saying the same thing. They work so hard to answer your questions that they forget what they were upset about.

Take care Bob. It's a long and arduous road....

You do not 'try' to convince as this is futile (won't help).

8 ways to deal with false dementia accusations

Don't take it personally.
Don't argue or use logic to convince.
Use a calm, soothing tone and positive body language.
Create a calm environment.
Stick to simple answers.
Distract with a pleasant activity.
Keep duplicates of frequently misplaced items.

Read this website: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/blog/lying-to-someone-with-dementia#:~:text=When%20someone%20with%20dementia%20unknowingly,of%20the%20world%20around%20them.

In part, it says:

Why might a person with dementia ask difficult questions?

Difficult questions often arise when the person is living in a different reality and/or has different beliefs from those around them.
These differences may become more apparent as dementia progresses but they are not limited to the condition’s later stages. They include:
- behaving as a younger version of themselves (time-shifted)
- beliefs – sometimes strongly held – that are false to others (delusions)
- unfounded suspicions or allegations about others (infidelity, malice, deceit)
experiencing things that aren’t there (visual hallucinations).

Website: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/blog/i-want-go-home-what-to-say-to-someone-in-dementia-care

In part, it says: When someone with dementia is asking to go home

1. Avoid arguing about whether they are already ‘home'
For a person with dementia, the term 'home' may describe something more than the place they currently live. Often when a person with dementia asks to go home it refers to the sense of ’home’ rather than home itself. 
 
‘Home’ may represent memories of a time or place that was comfortable and secure and where they felt relaxed and happier. It could also be an indefinable place that may not physically exist. 
 
It’s usually best not to try to reason or disagree with the person about where their home is. If they don't recognise their environment as 'home' at that moment, then for that moment, it isn't home.

What not to say to somebody with dementia

Words can be helpful and uplifting, but also hurtful and frustrating depending on the situation. Some words/questions to avoid when talking to a person w dementia.

Try to understand and acknowledge the feelings behind the wish to go home.
Find out where 'home' is for them - it might not be the last place they lived. It could be where they lived before moving recently or it could be somewhere from their distant past. 

Often people with dementia describe 'home' as a pleasant, peaceful or idyllic place where they were happy. Encourage them to talk about why they were happy there. This can give an idea as to what they might need to feel better.

2. Reassure them of their safety
The desire to go home is probably the same desire anyone would have if we found ourselves in an unfamiliar place. 

Reassure the person verbally, and possibly with arm touches or handholding if this feels appropriate. Let the person know that they are safe.  It may help to provide reassurance that the person is still cared about. They may be living somewhere different from where they lived before, and need to know they’re cared for.

3. Try diverting the conversation
Keep a photograph album handy. This could be a physical book or photos on a tablet or smartphone. Sometimes looking at pictures from the past and being given the chance to reminisce will ease the person’s feelings of anxiety. 
It might be best to avoid asking questions about the pictures or the past, instead trying to make comments: 'That looks like Uncle Fred. Granny told me about the time he....' 

Try shifting the person's focus from home to something else - such as food, music, or other activities, such as going for a walk. 

Google TEEPA SNOW. Call her, watch her webinars & You Tubes, buy her books.

Gena / Touch Matters

Well, you've heard the truth here. There is no way to convince someone with dementia of anything for more than 3 minutes. It just doesn't stick.

Home to my mother is where she grew up, with her parents and her siblings. She's completely forgotten the home that she established with my father, where I grew up.

It's just the nature of the disease.

Before I gave up and moved my husband to memory care (where he is, by the way doing pretty well after the first several weeks), I would sit down with him and sympathize. Remind your wife that you are here for her and that you love her. Talk about some memories you share from early in your relationship. Maybe walk around the house and pick up objects that you bought together and talk about them. This is such a difficult time for all of us caregivers and patients, glad to have this forum to share our stories and commiserate.

See Bob's replies and updates to us in answers.
Bob, thanks for being an active participant here at the Forum. So few stay and comment.

I may have missed it but touch can also help when diverting attention. I try holding and massaging her hand repeating - mantra “you are loved; you are safe; you are where you’re supposed to be.”

You cannot "convince" anyone with Dementia of anything they do not already belieive. Don't argue with her or try to persuade her of anything. Instead, you might engage her in some conversations about "home" like "What would you like to do when you get homre?" or "What do you want to take with you when you go home?" Her answers do not need to satisfy your logic, but talking about her thoughts and "plans" might be calming for her and reduce your frustration at being able to convivnce her of what is not reality for her.

What I did with this very common issue, as you know, is take my mom for a drive to the mountains. When we started out we were going "home", wherever that was in her mind. By the time we got back to the assisted living house she would say it was good to be back home and "oh there's Papa in the kitchen trying cook dinner. He's going to mess it up. Good we are back". Of course he was not there, since he was dead, but by the time we got in the door with her caregivers giving her hugs and welcoming her back, she was fine and ready to settle back in. She had to go to memory care when she actually tried to get out the door at night to "meet Papa to go save some dogs because their owner didn't know how to care for them". In that case I told her over the phone that I would go with Papa to get the dogs because she wasn't allowed to leave yet. It only took agreeing with her to calm her down. Just try anything to go along with the wish to go home and hopefully she'll forget about it until the next time, which might be in a few hours, the next day, or whenever she feels again she must go home. OMG, just love her. I'm sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself.

My wife has done the same thing. When she did this the first time I sat with her for a couple of hours and talked to her, showed her all her personal stuff, clothes.
The next time, it was the middle of the night. I got up and we got in the car, drove down the street and around a couple of miles and then came back to the house. She didn't say anything and it seemed that she accepted she was home.

My mom would often say to me, "Ok, it's time to go home!" Fortunately, as I had taken several training courses in Elder Care with a focus on dementia, I immediately embraced "her reality." So, we got our coats on, got in the car and drove for about 30 minutes or more, depending on my time availability. As we were getting close to home, I'd say, "Another 10 minutes and we'll be home mom. Thanks for your patience." She would then say, "Can't wait until I'm back in my own house!" I might also ask her what she would want for dinner when we got home. I really got into it and boy did it help.

Bob, I went through that with my husband. It got to the point where every afternoon he would gather clothes for "home". I asked him where " home" is and he pointed out the window and said, "over there". I told him I would drive him there, but he had to tell me where to go. So, he would put his clothes in the car and I would back out of the garage and ask him which way to go. Sometimes, we wouldn't even get out of the driveway and he would say, " there it is" and point to our house. Other times, I would drive around the block or down the street and turn around always making sure to drive past our house and he would point to it and say, "there it is". It was a pain in the butt, but I didn't know what else to do. It only gets worse, Bob, so start preparing.

This is a standard behavior problem with most of our loved ones who suffer from dementia.

Here is what I suggested in my book "Dementia Care Companion" about this behavior. I hope it helps.

“I Want to Go Home”
Over time, as it becomes harder to find the right words, the patient will rely increasingly on word substitutions. Sometimes, a word is just meant as a placeholder in a sentence, like saying “Give me my pants” when they want their shoes. At other times, it is the feeling behind the words, rather than their literal meaning, that is intended, for example, “I want to go home.”

When the patient says that they want to go home, this is not always due to confusion. Rather, the patient may be expressing a desire for love, peace, comfort, and security that they associate with home. When the patient feels anxious and isolated, when they feel that no one understands them, that everyone is reprimanding them, bossing them around, or asking them to do the impossible, “I want to go home” expresses a need for escape to a familiar shelter, a longing for the warmth and security that they associate with home.
·      Do not try to convince the patient that they are already home. Instead, look for the sentiment behind the words “I want to go home.”
·      Apply the techniques you’d use to get to the root cause of behavioral problems. Look for unmet needs, environmental issues, and problems with patient-caregiver interactions.
·      Are the patient’s basic needs being met? Is the patient hungry, thirsty, or in pain? Are they bored? Do they have an infection? Are they constipated, or do they need to go to the bathroom?
·      Is the environment comfortable? Is it too warm or too cold, too bright or too dark, too noisy, or crowded?
·      Are patient-caregiver interactions thoughtful and comforting? Does the patient feel safe? Do they feel loved, cared for, and accepted? Are they comforted with hugs, caresses, companionship, and words of encouragement?
·      Go with the flow and redirect. Say something like, “Okay, we’ll go soon,” and then distract the patient by doing something pleasant that takes their mind off of wanting to go home. 

My mom asks to go home from time to time. I tell her that I will take her home tomorrow because I don’t has gas in my car and will have to fill up my tank to take her. She accepts that then forgets. You cannot convince them that their delusions are not real.

Ask her what home looks like, if she knows where it is, maybe who the neighbors are at the home she remembers. At least you will know what time period her mind is living in. It might even be a childhood home. Then instead of trying to convince a broken brain that it is wrong, discuss reasons why she is where she is - using little fibs to satisfy if necessary. You (or she) wasn't feeling well and had to come to this current house because you needed help from the daughters. Perhaps, the house had some kind of problem and you're trying to get it repaired. Redirect the conversation to anything else besides where she lives. If she brings it up and you engage or try to explain, she is just sad a little longer - she's not at home and people around her won't take her home - a circular conversation without end.

Bob350: Oftentimes the elder with dementia is not referring to an actual brick and mortar structure, but when stating 'to go home' it's a reference to a childhood scenario.

As others have said, "home" is not a physical place. I asked my wife about home and "it was safe" and she had friends and family there," I've tried to make her feel loved and safe. My kids and our families try to call often, sometimes just to say that they were thinking about her and love her. We put pictures around the house from where her parents lived (we had some in a closet, but Tami Anastasia from Dementia Society suggested that big maps of the state and similar might help her to feel more comfortable.) Distraction never worked for us. But my daughter suggested that we tell her that home is being remodeled, so we are staying here and that I have to stay to watch the property and dogs. When she wants to go, it often involves going out to the car and trying all the keys on her key ring. When she goes to garage, I give kisses and hugs and remind her that she is ALWAYS WELCOME HERE. I tell her that if no one is there, if the electric is off or AC isn't working, she should come back here. And after a few minutes, she usually comes back in. I welcome her and usually have to show her where she can sleep. When I do, I point out the bathroom with her toothbrush, her clothes, her make up and other personal items and the situation is abated for another night. Good luck to you. It is trial and error and questions like yours to find options were some that I asked months ago.

Hi Bob. My hubby has Parkinson's Disease and has had cognitive issues even before that was diagnosed. He is bed bound now. At times he asks where we are, or says he needs to leave and go home. I know how much he loves our dogs, and where they are is home. I show him our dogs are here at home in the house, and that settles him.
Is there something in your home that your wife has special sentiment for? If so, you can bring her that and reassure her she is where she should be.
I hope this helps. God bless you both.

My heart breaks for you and your daughters and for your wife.
First, you can not convince her of anything. She only knows what her mind tells her.
When I first started this journey 9 years ago, my aunt who had been a hospice caregiver for many years told me "they all want to go home".
I have heard that repeated here on this forum so many times.
"Home" to your wife may mean a childhood home, or someplace she feels safe.
It could be people in her life, such as parents, who are no longer around.
It is unfortunate that she doesn't recognize you as her "safe", "home" place.
She likely does feel some connection to you and a trust that you are there for her.

Don't try and argue reality with her. It is no use. Simply continue to be there by her side, and gently reassure her, without any argument of where home is.
Let her know, "I'm here." Then, try a distraction, such as, "Would you like to,,,,?"

For my husband, with vascular dementia, "home" is his bed. He has limited mobility, and his bed feels safe and comfortable for him.
For a long time, he would "see" his brother, who had died 20 years earlier, and wanted to go live with him. He said his brother would take care of him.
I've go to admit, that was a little eerie, as I wondered if he understood his brother was dead, and he wanted to go where he was. He seemed to feel his brother's presence.
I have managed to find ways to respond, without actually saying that his brother died a long time ago.
I think the key is finding a way to engage and repeat, or acknowledge what the person is saying, without actually correcting them. Kind of be in their world with them.
Maybe the next time she is crying in the car, get in the car and take a drive. Go any direction she wants to go.
It must be scary for her to feel so lost, and not know how to get home.