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My 80 year-old mother has dementia and asks me the same questions over and over until I want to scream. I usually just answer the question like it is the first time she has asked it. Should I say "remember, you asked me that a few minutes ago" or just continue to answer her questions ?

She also sits and stares a lot. If I tell her to get dressed because we are going to the store, I will find her sitting on the bed staring. If I tell her again, she gets very upset and tells me "I am getting dressed!". Dressing to go out for an errand can take two hours or more. Should I keep pressing her to speed it up or allow two hours to get ready to go somewhere?

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As far as the repeating herself, maybe you could just tell her the answer and not remind her you've already said it a 100 x's. That's what I do with my mother-in-law. She has a really good sense of humor about her lack of memory though, which is really nice. We laugh together about it, and just move on. I live basically in the moment with her. Whatever I tell her or we talk about she won't remember it 5 minutes after, but she remembers it for the moment. It's never going to get better, she's never going to change, she can't help how her brain works so what's the point of getting aggravated with her? Let it roll off your back or in one ear and out the other, whatever works for ya. And about the dressing, maybe you should be taking an active part in helping her get ready? She probably can't remember what the big fuss is all about anyhow, so just help her get ready and keep up the chatter. See if that helps. I hear ya though. (sigh)
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You know, I can answer half the question but would like to hear what other caregivers do because I find this kind of thing just as exasperating as you do. I realize it would be futile to inform Mom that she just asked that question a few minutes ago. It doesn't get her the answer and it doesn't make me feel any better. Now, with my Mom, I figured it was the Parkinson's that slowed down the whole process of waking up, changing clothes and having breakfast in the morning. I think we both know if we rush our mothers, it's just going to make for a very unhappy outing. For me, I have just resigned myself to the time it takes now to get things done and actually grateful Mom continues to be stubborn about wanting to do it herself. Looking forward to hearing how everyone handles the repetitive questions.
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My mother repetitive questions are painful. I divorced in April after 21 years of marriage and it has been the most painful experience in my life. Mother continues asking about my ex, about what happened to the house and how come, etc. Telling me how she gave advice to my son and how that advice changed his life (it didn't) and more painful questions a day that I can handle or she starts the day saying that she wants to die, she is not worthy, and that theme keeps going and going. Changing the subject does not work. Her memory is selective for negativity. Yesterday she was describing a miscarriage she had many years ago with all details with is painful for me because I got a major depression after a miscarriage. Telling her it hurt to talk or hear certain things, won't stop the episode, she would continue talking to somebody else so I have to leave, She was always like that but now is worse.
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She can't help the repetitions. She won't "learn" not to do it by being told she does. Keep on giving her brief answers.

Lewy Body Dementia has made my laid-back husband who was never in a particular hurry anyway extremely slow. I know that he can't help it. I allow a couple hours for his morning routines. If there is a need to have things happen faster, I help him. I say, "I am so glad that you can dress yourself, and you do a good job, but today we have to leave early for the dentist and I'm going to help you so it goes faster. He hasn't objected to this yet.

The bottom line, kaygwon, is that you are not going to change your mother. You might as well go with the flow and only take charge when it is necessary.
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I had experience with this, prior to Mom's dementia, as a hairdresser. I learned to change the subject, if that works. You can use the dementia to your advantage in some situations. For example if their is music on, ask who's singing the tune. Or raise a discussion of interest that the person has, like a vacation they had at one time long ago or a favorite movie etc. anything to distract that question. Or if it's a question of what is today's date, get them in a habit of looking at the newspaper or if it's what time it is get a clock in plain view. Routine is key and comforting to dementia sufferers. So if you make a schedule of your daily plans on a board an make it routine to look at it and have a clock in plain view
EX: 12:00 lunch ,music at 1:00, stretching at 3:00 etc. the schedule will make a focal point and make them feel less lost. Gives a focus and a purpose and if the mind is busy trying to remember or waiting for the next thing and this will be occupying the mind.
Remember one day you may be happy if a word is spoken at all, so smile it's only the same question to you. It only drives you crazy if you let it.
Now a story about this subject.......
On Thanksgiving Day at Mom's early dementia stage and the beginning of my caregiving 24/7 days ...Early Morning I was getting ready to stuff the Turkey as Mom sat in front about 5 inches from THE TURKEY while the THANKSGIVING parade was on TV also in close view. She asked "is it a holiday today? it feels like a holiday?" so I said ""yes It's Thanksgiving" well this continued for quite awhile REPEATEDLY back and forth just as I was about to loose it completely, my boyfriend enters the kitchen and she say's to him "Did you know it's Thanksgiving today?" "Happy Thanksgiving!" LOL I only wish I could have her that way again...although at the time not funny....way funny now!!!!
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Thank you so much for your tips and for sharing about your mother.

You just put everything into perspective.

Blessings
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My life is so filled with ironies. My husband (alcoholic dementia only obvious to all of us -- it's OUR imagination!!!! ) is actually in charge of caring for his demented father on weekends and drives two hours to do so. Talk abot the blind leading the blind... OMG. He returns to us emotionally drained and even worse off each week only to repeat, thousands of times, that HIS father repeats himself and how it drives HIM crazy. How ironic is that???? So...this means my husband is repeating himself about taking care of a father who repeats himself. WE ARE ALL READY TO SCREAM. Then there's MY mom nearby living precariously alone (she refuses to budge)who doesn't repeat but is stubbborn and obstinate and sure her way is the right way when it is clearly wrong and often unwise. This disease has me surrounded and I am drowning in anger and angst. The anger is for my husband who I cannot empathize with as he has brought it all on himself. He sickens me. Offers me money to have sex, is inappropriate in front of his grown kids, fills his dinner plate then covers the food he has left uneaten with his napkin thinking we don't see it and sneaks off with his glass filled with ice cubes only to forget where he was headed. And he is the CEO of a company, driving to work each day only to be home by noon saying that he is "working" at home. Drinking at home is more like it. I can only imagine what the employees are all saying about his erratic behavior.I would leave him tomorrow if he did not control all the money issues (talk about SCARY). Holidays serve to magnify the feelings I am having as all I think of are "the times before Alzheimers/dementia when life was normal." How I long for normal again. WIll it ever return? My poor children are a wreck. I have lived my life but for them, the future is bleak. So very sad. Thanks for letting me vent, Its' been a while since I could even face reading on here -- too depressing.
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My experience is that no good comes from trying to explain something to someone who because of dementia is unable to understand. You simply get frustrated. I keep my asnwers short and repeat as often as is necessay, believing that's the best help I can give. And if they have a concern or paranoia about something I simply say, "Yes . . okay, I'll take care of that."
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Hey Maryland Mom, get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting or a therapist -- if not for your own sake then for your children. You're suffering, and you're also participating.
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MarylandMom -- Al-Anon and a lawyer!
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Look, you need to be patient or get someone else to help care for your mother, she has no control over her dememtia, they will ask the same questions over and over that is part of demetia, not her fault, just answer again no matter how many times she asked and no don't try to speed up things when getting ready for something, you will just upset her more,like I said if you can't handle this on your own get some outside help, my mom lives with me and I understand it can be stressful, but you either have to deal or get some help with her,lots of hugs
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I think one of the things I try to remember with my Mother is to be kind and gentle... It does not help her if I get angry and lose my temper. She does not want to be difficult. The other day I referred to her in the 3rd person saying the woman who raised me would not waste anything... Her response was priceless she said without hesitation you have driven her crazy... I did not respond the way I wanted to I just said OH Really... I wanted to say as my kids would have, It was a short drive Mother... Some times I think we have to find the humor in the situations and realize they cannot help it!!! She does not remember what you told her or she would not ask... take care
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I want to pop in here with my two cents worth - as anyone who knows me knows I am prone to do. My current main client has Dementia, recently made worse by a fall she took in the night. I can count on a few things happening daily. She reads the same newspaper headline at least 20 times and asks me if I've read it, and she asks me about the weather, and how far my drive will be, probably 20+ times as well. She has Dementia. She repeats. It goes together. If she had Crohn's Disease and her stomach hurt - that wouldn't surprise me either. I wouldn't offer her super spicy taco soup if she had Crohn's, and I don't correct her, as she has Dementia. My answers are short and to the point, and very cheerful. I find it helps a LOT if I answer her with a big smile, with my hand on her hand. Something in the touch makes a different connection than just the words. I find different ways to answer the same question for my own sake. "It's about 35 degrees outside right now." "It's COLD!" "I think we may hit 40 today" "The birds need little ice skates this morning." I may say these literally ever 5 minutes from 11am until noon. I think of it as Ground Hog Day (the movie). But after several answers including touch, she settles down. She may even repeat to me, later "It's really cold out today, isn't it?" That's when I know I sneaked into her brain through a little crack. Also, since I tell her every single shift what I am going to do (stay with her all day while the live-in caregiver is gone, then take off for home), she says, almost on cue "And you're taking off!" when the caregiver arrives. It's hilarious. Patience, patience, patience. For her, every single time she asks it is the first time. Consider what you would feel like if you walked up to a clerk in a store and said "Where's the bathroom?" and the clerk shouted "AGAIN????? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? YOU JUST ASKED ME THAT!!!!" You'd feel shot down and insulted, not to mention confused. Don't shoot the wounded! Don't shoot! Like the words in the song "I'm Not Me Anymore" say - "There's a thief running lose in my head. A thief who won't stop 'till I'm dead". Gentle words + smile + touch. You win. You'd laugh if you saw me get 5 inches from Rose's face and smile and tell her for the 1,000,973rd time "I'm going to be here until about 6, when Arlene gets back, and then I'm taking off!" Wait for it - the next question "So, how long does it take you to drive home?" ahhhhhhhhhhhh that's one I'll hear over and over and over. I say it 1,000 different ways. For me. Not for her. All she knows is I'm that patient person who comes in and we laugh a lot.
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kaygwon,

Unfortunately this is a common issues in many elders who have or are developing Alzheimer's and Dementia. Here is a great article that deals with elders repeating themselves and how to not get to frustrated.

What To Do When a Parent Repeats the Same Things Over and Over
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elders-repeating-the-same-story-146023.htm

You might also want to look at the following article. I think it would be an interesting read and have some tips you might be able to use.

Is Alzheimer's Behavior the Patient’s Problem…or the Caregiver's?https://www.agingcare.com/articles/alzheimers-bad-behaviors-impact-caregivers-148184.htm

Best of luck with your caregiving journey,

Karie H.
AgingCare.com Team
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Lots of great responses to your question about repeating same questions and such over and over again. It is very taxing on the caregiver mentally with the repeating of verbalizations. Your best bet is to answer the question like it was the first time you heard it. If your loved one repeats something that is inaccurate try not correcting them. Think of it as dancing. They are leading you in the dance. Another way to look at it is to let go of your reality and enter their's wherever they may be. Park your reality at the curb per se. To help with the stress caregiving will cause try to find outlets for yourself. Look for a support group in person or online. Take time to do things that YOU enjoy. I wish you strength, courage and happiness with your loved one in their days gone by.
Deanna
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After learning from my mom's situation I have concluded that, most of the dementia suffered by our elderly parents is DRUG INDUCED. The main culprit drug is the CHOLESTEROL-LOWERING drug and possibly even some of the HBP drugs. We took our mom off of Lipitor and actually minimized her drug therapy as much as possible and switched her to vitamin and herbal supplements instead. I also instruct all doctors to BACK OFF of prescribing any drug to my mom. They are too toxic to the elderly AND there are NO clinical trials to show that they work on the elderly. No, my mom did not regain her memory so we answer her questions patiently. We also have to make her food, bathe her and clothe her because she does not have the strength or ability to do all those things anymore. I strongly believe that the drug therapy that she was on for 3 years RUINED HER QUALITY OF LIFE. She can still use the bathroom on her own and she can eat on her own and she still does carry on small meaningful conversations with us and I think that that would not have been possible had we kept her on those drugs. If you want to take your anger out on anyone, start with the DOCTORS. They've been LYING a lot about Cholesterol-lowering drugs and did you notice how heart disease is still the number one killer even though 50 million people are taking those drugs.? What a scam!
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His family is loaded with lawyers; all love to look the other way. I finally took the bull by the horns and called his Uncle... a retired atty and judge. Time to call in the troops.
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I'd give anything to have my mother back, questions and all. The reason they keep asking the same questions over and over is because they can't remember asking them. No, that's not exactly it. They don't log it in to start with, much less have something there to retrieve from their memories. They can't log it in. This may help in some cases: when answering or conveying any bit of information, get down on their level, eye to eye, hold their hands in yours, and speak the answer and ask them to repeat it right away & talk about it - make some sort of word association that has meaning for them. Then, maybe, just maybe they will remember next time.
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Ruth's answer sum's it up in any dementia situation or any social interaction,
"SMILE" and Groundhog day is just the perfect movie analogy for what they wake up to each day, if it's the same it's comfortable, they know what is going to happen next it becomes habit, not an action from memory. Another movie analogy is E.T. when Elliot does something or feels something E.T. has identical emotion. So if your in an angry most likely they will be. If your Happy etc.
It may help to know that real old habits dye hard, for example every time my Mom goes to bathroom she washes her hands to this day. She reads the signs on the door to find her room, or the bathroom, but never for get to wash her hands. They moved her room at one point so that took about three months of confusion until she got used to everything opposite direction.
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My experience with Repetitive questions - most caregivers will experience this and it can make you feel like screaming but -- best thing to do is to just answer the question for the umpteenth time in a loving voice and a smile to match. Then get them interested in something else. We have to remember that they are not well and the questioning is part of what is happening to them.
Getting dressed ...... When my mother got distracted while trying to get dressed...I would help her get dressed and joked with her all the while, always telling her how beautiful she looked. She would laugh and primp. This would keep her from getting into a bad mood about having to get dressed because she always seemed to get side tracked. Blessings to you Kaygwan.
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It is very important that we preserve our own sanity. Sometimes, with my wife, I simply give different answers -- not in a cruel way but just to break the sheer frustration of it all. Of course she does not resent it because any answer is as good as another. Often my answer has nothing to do with the question but that is OK, too. We must recall that no matter what we respond the same question is just around the corner. Or one can answer the question with another question,
i. e., "I want to go home." Answer, "Just as soon an I finish mopping the floor." Or, "Sure but I don't remember the address, what is it?"

Just remember that no matter what answer you give, you will get the same question again in a few minutes." I love my wife without exception and she knows it. It is just that she can't help it.
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The best thing that I have done was to find this support group thanks so much - the stories shared and expert advice is very helpful
Rose
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The best thing that I have done was to find this support group thanks so much - the stories shared and expert advice is very helpful
Rose
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Before my mother was officially diagnosed with dementia, she on occasion and then more frequently repeated a question to me or a statement. So, I would say " I just told you that" or " You already said that". I was not understanding what was happening. Once I found out, it no longer became a problem because I understood what was happening. It is true that the reason the same question is asked is because she did not "get" the answer. It did not stay with her, even for mere minutes. At first it drove me crazy repeating over and over what we are doing for the day, where we are going. Now, no problem. It has become a part of our conversations and that is that. You must understand that the problem is as much yours as your mother's and how you deal with it will affect both of you. She cannot change the way she perceives what is happening, but you can. Just take it a step at a time and keep a sense of humor. Occasionally, I get a smile with "I asked you that before, didn't I?" And, I smile too. I also find myself repeating words, phrases to others in conversation without even thinking about it. Hopefully people will understand. If not, who cares??
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No. Getting upset or angry about repeated questions just upsets you and makes her feel bad because she won't understand why you're frustrated and irritated with her.
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Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out, & who was left? Repeat! That is all - day after day, year after year. Patiently, sweetly, maybe even a little contriving...
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Today my client was sitting at the kitchen table, where there was a little Christmas tree her daughter had brought. I lost count (wasn't really counting) of how many times she asked me where the tree came from. Probably asked every 45 seconds for half an hour. Maybe not quite that much - but it felt like it. It's fascinating when she does that.
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After reading all the responses to Kaygwon's questions, I am troubled that none of you questioned the doctors about whether the drugs are the problem or did any research. Why? Why do people not want to do take the next steps into really finding out the cause? Lazy? Scared? Don't care? No time? Why?
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To konacaregiver - I can only speak for my client. Her live-in caregiver is trying to keep her as drug-free as possible (YAY!!!!!!!!!!!) and takes her for evaluations frequently. People who patiently love on and care for those with Dementia are anything but LAZY in my opinion!!!! :-) As to addressing the cause of the Dementia; I am a nutritional coach, and have my clients using coconut oil along with a lot of supplements to keep their brains healthy. I am not allowed to coach my elderly clients, although I have asked the live in caregiver to begin giving our little lady coconut oil in small doses, eventually working up to 3 tablespoons per day. I also had her start on a large dose of vitamin C (starting with 1,000mg to go up to 5,000 over a bit of time). She needs vitamin D also, but the family is super reluctant to use any natural means to help their mom. Sad state of affairs. I've been trained in Dementia care, and do a lot of research on the disease. My thoughts on where this originates may not be something anyone here wants to hear. I avoid aluminum in all forms, use of the microwave, and practice dismissing toxins from my cells daily. I use massive amounts of coconut oil, and take exceptional quality supplements daily. Prevention is far easier than cure, as far as I'm concerned. But you cannot impose your nutritional passion on anyone who is not open to listen or change. In direct response to your very direct question as to why people do not want to take the next steps into really finding out the cause - that is a common issue. Have you ever seen a Diabetic at an all-you-can-eat buffet? An obese person at Starbucks? A person suffering chronic fatigue having coffee and a donut for breakfast? Someone with depression neglecting their vitamins? Yeah - so many people don't get to the cause of a problem to solve it once and for all. In the case of caring for a relative or spouse with Dementia; I would tread super lightly in accusing one of being lazy, or not caring. Those who frequent this site are the walking wounded, and require our support, encouragement, and gentle advice. This is my opinion... having coached and counseled quite a few people! Oh, it bothers me a great deal when I read about the number of elderly people who are taking 4, 5, 6, 10 different medications. But until I've been in the shoes of those making the decision, I can only suggest that there may be a better way. My question is always "In which chemical do you believe yourself or your loved one to be deficient? Is it possible your body or their body is deficient in a mineral, vitamin, or nutrient instead? Or is it possible that there is the presence of toxicity?"
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My husband's three strokes in eight months have put me in the position of caregiver because of stroke-related dementia, so walking through the daily minefield is new to me. I now see how it's best to live in the loved one's reality if their dementia is a downward spiral, but I'm confused about responding in the same way when the dementia is stroke related, since there is the hope that healing may bring improvement. Would it be better then to try to help him re-learn reality?

If the more appropriate thing is to respond to each incident as if it is new, what do I do when the situation is that he asks for, say, a grilled cheese sandwich five minutes after he's finished one, because he's forgotten he's just eaten one. This can go on all day. If I try to explain that he's just eaten, he gets frustrated. When I've tried keeping the sandwiches coming, I eventually have to stop, because he doesn't seem to get sated.

Thanks for your advice.
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