Covid and holiday gatherings with 89 year old mom. What should we do?

We're all tired of being cooped in for way too long, and mom is just wanting some normalcy back in her life. Who can blame her? I know that I want that too. If it were me, I would take her(using all the necessary precautions of course)and let her enjoy her family, as at her age, who knows how much time she has left. But that's just me. I'm choosing not to live my life in fear,(even amongst Covid) but to enjoy it.

But if that's not you, perhaps you can stay home, and let one of her nephews come and get her, or you can just have a "drive by" visit, where at least she can get out of the house for a while. And of course last but not least, you can do what a lot folks will be doing and just have a Zoom visit with the whole family. Well that's my 2 cents worth. Hope you and your family have a very Merry Christmas!

"But if that's not you, perhaps you can stay home, and let one of her nephews come and get her,"

But then Mhillwt will be the one to have to take care of her mother if she contracts it again, and might end up contracting it again herself.

The host should have everyone get Covid tested with results by 12/23 and then again 12/27. And they pay for it. Unless they all live in a city that does easy scheduled 2 day more accurate test for free via health department locations.

anyone positive 12/23 stays put to isolate and their “bubble” does not go to the family Christians eve / day event. And anyone positive after the get together from that 12/27 test tells everyone else so the entire family can quarantine 10 days.

You answered your own question.

You said, “I don’t want to go.” So, don’t do it.

She’s not giving up. Well you don’t have to give up either.

Tell her, No! If you can’t bear to hear her complain and of course it’s hard to hear, then walk away, wear ear plugs and most of all tell her that is your FINAL decision! She will give up because she has to.

We are in the home stretch concerning COVID. I don’t blame you for not wanting to get together with others.

Keep your ears open about the future. If her doctor approves a visit later on, it will be just as nice.

She doesn’t have to have a visit during the Christmas season.

I love my nephews and their families but I won’t be seeing them. They FaceTimed with me for Thanksgiving. I was fine with that.

Stick to your guns. Don’t cave! Do what is best for you.

This truly is best for your mom too. Her doctor has not approved of any socializing at this time. It is heartbreaking.

It’s truly sad but unfortunately, these are the times that we are living in.

This whole issue became a bit of a contentious debate here on AgingCare before American thanksgiving, I think that there are no right or wrong answers that apply to every situation. Given that you have already had covid the probability of reinfection is lower, especially if nephews and family are taking reasonable precautions and are not out partying and socializing as usual - I would be inclined to flex a little, perhaps one day rather than both, focusing on improved ventilation, masking and distancing as much as possible.

You've all had the virus already, which means you have antibodies to it. My DD is an RN and had covid last January before the doctors even knew what it was. She's worked in covid units inside of a downtown Denver hospital ever since, and has not been reinfected.

Your mother is 89 years old and has survived the virus. I'd let her do whatever she wants to do with regard to celebrating the holidays this year. You can stay home if you'd like to, but why should she have to?

And to say this whole thing will be 'over' in a few more months is wishful thinking, really. Even with a vaccine, only a certain percentage of us will be willing to take it, meaning 'herd immunity' is unlikely to happen. I seriously doubt there's an end in sight for at least another year if not more. Who can live in fear for THAT long?

We only have today, each of us. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. God bless you and your mom, and good luck with whatever decision she makes.

I have 3 families living here--2 have had covid so we can be with them. One family has somehow, unbelievably, not gotten it. So my DH and I cannot be a part of our traditional Christmas. I'm just sick about it. we're both high risk, and this one family has stayed away from us 100% for 6 weeks, after not social distancing AT ALL with neighbors and friends through the whole year.

If I were your mom, I'd feel the same. I'm really depressed about having to stand outside a window and watch my grands open all the gifts we got them.

DH will very likely get a vaccination in Jan, but I am not as high risk as he is, so probably not for months yet, unless my oncologist gets a batch sooner and feels I am at high enough risk.

SO GRATEFUL there are now vaccines coming to play and it will be a blessing, but it will take a LONG TIME to get to everyone who wants one. (And 40% of the population still won't get vaccinated. Same % as the flu vaccine.)

Good Luck--try to see if you can get SOME of the family to see mom. BTW, it is a Drs JOB to err on the side of caution. My SIL Is a Dr., he's HAD covid and so did his whole family. They are so happy-b/c they had it lightly and didn't pass it to us, and now they can put the kids in school, etc. Dr. Joe says he knows that there's at least a 90 day window of 'high immunity'. ALL his patients are very sick people, so he is on top of things like this. I trust his judgment.

Well, I'll be blunt. You are right - don't go. Period. No arguments accepted. I'd check into zoom. It is really pretty good. Basically I'd remind mom that we are ALL having to man up here and do the safe thing, for ourselves and for others, especially the worked into the ground healthcare workers.

Everyone is tired of being cooped up in the house. But, the fact remains that get-togethers are the main spreaders! Why would anyone want to risk their health and life to get together with others for a few hours? It doesn't make sense. If you or your Mom contracts COVID, what will happen then? Who will be the caregivers when you are hospitalized and incapacitated? Not worth it.
My Mom is 93 and we'd like her to be here for her 94th. We have been limiting exposure and working from home since mid-March. We have friends who are our age, insisted on having the gender reveals and Fathers Day get-togethers who have contracted COVID and have buried their elder relatives. Other friends our age (60) have died from COVID, one is still in ICU, and it was traced back to the wife's hairdresser. REALLY? What people are willing to risk their life for.....just makes little sense. Ultimately you have to make the decision but when you put it in perspective, it's ONE DAY. You can easily do a Zoom meeting to be together, share some laughs and stories, and open packages together. Surely beats the alternative of someone going to the hospital without you by their side, no?
BTW, every person that attends brings about a dozen contacts' exposure with them, so do the math and determine if that's worth losing your Mom over.

It is not just about who had Covid and who hasn't. It concerns everybody within that group of people who gather and effects everyone in the days and weeks that follow that event. The logistics of even getting to the event involve more than the 11 people attend the event.

My vote is for stay at home and try all the lovely things people have suggested: Zoom, drive by's, etc. and a continued commitment to get through 2020 alive.

I have been in limbo trying to figure out where to draw the line between not visiting because of Covid or my mothers happiness in visiting relatives. My mother is 81 and has dementia, no other health problem. What do you do??

So sorry. I see in your the posts that follow, that you've decided to let mom go. Don't beat yourself up. You've done your best. (My sister and I are managing our mom's in-home care after our dad died from COVID in September. Guess who's started popping in and out as he sails through after ignoring our very specific requests for what he can do to help us? That would be out brother. I have no idea if he's following any COVID protocol. I wrote but didn't send an angry but measured text to him this morning...it won't mattter. Like you. we're doing our best.)

It has been hard for everyone. I have the same anxiety as you. I am terrified to go out into public. I get in the car and just drive around. Sometimes just to cry. Maybe you could just drive by. Not sure of those circumstances and whether you have a car living in NYC. Others on here have had some good suggestions.

I don’t want to be the downer but I have a friend in her 70s who met family at her son’s house for Thanksgiving.
Five got Covid. Her son died and she could not attend his funeral because she was in the hospital.
He was only 53.
Another daughter was released from the hospital.
It is a sad situation for all.
You don’t know who is asymptomatic and could spread it to others who can get very sick. Some do some don’t. This is just a note of what can happen. You have to make a decision based on your situation. Be safe!

Of course it is safest to stay at home. But your mother is 89 years old. Just like in end of life decisions, she has the right to make those decisions. If she acknowledges the risks...I would take her to family gatherings (as she wishes). I used to work in oncology. I learned that the patient’s wishes do not always agree with the family’s. It is difficult, but necessary to balance your mother’s wishes with CDC recommendations. She deserves to live her life HER way. Have a blessed holiday and New Year.

I completely understand your concerns. No one wants their elderly parents to get sick. However, my mom is 85 with numerous health issues and she tells me often “I’m going to live while I can.” She lives in AL/ Senior Housing and I’m not allowed to go in to see her but I can take her out. So we are out a few times a week to lunch. We spend time with family when we can and we are careful. But we also realize we cannot “hide” from Covid. What I have seen and heard is the elderly just want to be with their families. That is what matters most. Who knows if they will be with us next year?

I see you’ve made a decision to honor your mother’s fervent wishes. Last Christmas my dad was adamant that it would be his last one, none of us knew it would be true or took his talk very seriously. I’m not at all saying this will be the case with your mother. I just know that sometimes it’s important to listen to our seniors and be respectful of their wishes. I would do this in a minute, with a barrage of hand sanitizer and masks, but I believe there are times the memories are more than the fears. I wish you peace in this

My message is to your mother and everyone who are thinking of gathering with family members outside your household. Selfishness is how we got to be the country on the planet with the most infection. When our primal instinct to be with family and friends starts to dominate, we must each remind ourselves that our decisions impact many other individuals, those we hold dear and even those we don’t know. This is a highly contagious illness and we don’t know a whole lot about it. One may not get the illness themselves, but be a carrier and transmit the disease. Antibodies you may have in your body don’t necessarily mean that you do not transmit it to others. The infectious disease docs don’t even know for sure whether the vaccine will work to prevent us from transmitting the virus even if we have no symptoms. Tell your 89 year old mother to give up the selfishness. It’s not just about her. We all need to take a step back and listen to what this pandemic is trying to teach us.

The risks remain high for her and for you of developing COVID again. Would you be able to have a virtual gathering on ZOOM, Facetime, or other online format?

If you do decide to see others, it will be harder to social distance with the colder weather. If you could find a way to be outside (maybe on a patio with outdoor heaters?) that would be preferable to being inside.

If you could find a way to have plated meals instead of buffets or cater meals rather than potluck which preferable to family members cooking and serving without masks or gloves.

If you could find a small apartment or vacation rental rather than a hotel or staying with family since that will cut down the amount of risk of transmission.

I would probably see if you can get mom to wait until she has had both doses of the COVID vaccine. Then you can celebrate with family with a little less anxiety.

My mother is 83 yrs and we did not celebrate Thanksgiving with her in an effort to protect her. She is insisting she be included in Christmas, a very small gathering of 4, myself & my children. We have decided it is her risk to take .. she is out & about anyway at the hairdresser, doctor, pharmacy
i understand your frustration with your mother, these conversations are often strained & difficult. I agree with others, protect yourself .. you can decide not to attend and maybe after Christmas, your mother can quarantine for 14 days at your nephew’s house.
Wishing you peace of mind & a clear conscience.

I have read many answers and in my opinion this isn't even debatable. As with many COVID situations these days, it is NOT about whether you or your mom get it, but how many people the two of you can INFECT and thus continue to spread this disease. By giving in to her, both of you are being extremely selfish. It appears to me that Americans think they do not have to obey any rules that they disagree with, no matter what the consequences to society. We are digging our own graves.

You don’t have to do what you are not comfortable with doing-If I were you, I would not go! But I surely would get her rapid tested before someone picks her up and, if it gives you anxiety, before she comes home. The only thing you can control is you and your behavior. Our family has a similar situation and we all opted to get tested and my husband is picking up my MIL and taking her for a rapid test prior to bringing her to our house (she is 88 and doesn’t like it). He also advised her a couple of weeks prior to Christmas that if she tests positive, she has to stay home. We are also taking precautions while everyone is here like providing paper masks, single use plastic serving ware and single use guest towels in our half bath downstairs. Everyone gets one plastic wine glass with their name on it and they are responsible for washing it out. It may seem extreme but it is cheaper to make small modifications rather than someone get sick. We have 2 family members that aren’t comfortable so they are staying home and it’s okay! We plan to designate a “Santa” to drive by and drop their gifts at their door and we are opening gifts on Christmas Day with them over FaceTime. It can be done, it will be different but it’s okay. Wishing you peace and the ability to keep the stress away!

When you say "we all had covid," are you talking about all 11 people? Is it at all possible for all 11 people to get a test, then if negative, isolate for a week before the Christmas party? I know that is a lot to get out of 11 people. What is their status? Not knowing the situation for 11 people, there are a lot of questions about their level of isolation and their own safety practices. Eleven people would have many contact possibilities. Even if they each had contact only with one other person, that would make it 22 people, etc. Bottom line, and especially if her doctors say no, I wouldn't do it without cooperation from the other 11 people regarding testing and isolation beforehand.

My moms senior friends ( 70 plus) have been going to gambling casinos, out to lunch in groups of six, getting their hair done, driving with bad eyesight, ect.. No kidding. Meanwhile my social son who is flying in has only seen 3 friends twice this whole year, he is 30 unmarried (one of these times was for his birthday) . He goes into work everyday though. Someone explain the logic of many seniors who are out living their lives boldly when people in their 30’s are limiting themselves. Anyway my son will get tested before he is aloud to return to work. Community safety. This same son almost died of Strep throat at 15 which he picked up at school. I haven’t seen either of my children in over a year but have had my senior mom for every holiday outside.
My mom has been careful as I have. I am still nervous about an indoor Christmas celebration because the son mentioned above is flying in. There will be five of us. My mom insists on coming. My other son living in another country in a big city has had covid and he is the age he barely noticed it, like a mild cold.

Off tangent- My dad died of cancer when he was 36 which was a shock. So, since an early age of six I always new life was fleeting and fragile and comes at you fast. Also, from a very early age I felt the responsibility of taking care of my mom. But, who is looking out for me. (Me I guess 🙂) Covid is really another invisible enemy and we are all playing risk assessment and trying to slow the spread. God bless all of you and Merry Christmas.

Well I took another chance after the man that was intoxicated came to our table the other day. We went out for my brothers birthday last night and had a great time. Mom was thrilled and everything went smoothly. We used our N95 masks and felt very safe. Only one party in our back room. Birthday brother had a wonderful time with mom, family and followed all guidelines as well as mom and the rest. The restaurant was wonderful and chef made a special pureed dinner for my mother. She loved her dinner and the special birthday chocolate lava cake. My mother is 98 don't know how many years my dear mom has left so I will take a few chances here and there but be responsible. This could go on for a very long time and I want my mothers last few years to be joyful. I would say ask everyone in the family to be tested and if negative do it. I insisted my cousin be tested and if negative she can come for Christmas otherwise she will have to stay home. Don't feel one bit guilty let your mom live a little. Let another family member take over the care and you stay put for the duration if you do not feel comfortable. Your mother is 89 it could be her last one or she may live for more years to come. I would take a chance. The best to both of you.

My 90 yo mom lives with YB and his family. They ALL (6 of them) had COVID, YB is very high risk, he is grossly obese, diabetic, has heart conditions and only one lung 'works well.' He was super sick, but did not go to the hospital. His family (all adults) just had 'colds'. Mother did not catch it. It's amazing.

I saw her on Thursday and she brought this up in passing--I freaked out a tiny bit b/c I thought they were all still actively sick, but no, the last sicky was out of quarantine that day.

I asked mother how she felt about seeing the family, one by one and the possibility of getting COVID. She said she wouldn't care if she got it if she was guaranteed she could die. She said that 2020 has been so depressing and she'd feel bad about ending her life on a low note--and I get that. I know she was trying to get me to plan some kind of family party, but there's well over 50 of us and 1 pregnant niece and 8 months old twins. Nope, not doing it.

It's going to be a weird holiday season. I personally will be glad to have it over and done and marching solidly into 2021 awaiting my vaccine and taking off that darn mask. And getting a pedicure. My feet look like hooves.

I, too, would take the chance with a N95 mask, which is probably what DH and I will end up doing. Sitting 10' from the un-immune kids and watching them, then leaving as soon as they've opened their gifts.

It is what it is.

Take the doctor's advice. This could be anyone's last Christmas with covid. So it is not time to discount yourself. Your anxiety is a signal to pay attention to and make the decision for yourself first and then your mother, who relies on you. In my situation, my mother says she doesn't care about covid because she is ready to go. Well, I'm not ready and tell her she won't be able to count on me.

I totally agree with your mom.

She should see her family.

They can stay their distance after they give her her Xmas hug and kiss.

She can wear a mask when she isn't eating and before she eats make sure her hands are clean.

Also, if she's already had the virus she'll have a good chance of not getting it again.

Also, hopefully during the Xmas gathering.
There's a couple windows open to let in some fresh air.
One last thought. I would start giving her an Airborne to take every day to build up her immune system before the Xmas Gathering.

Your mom has her mental wits about her and it should be her choice.

Mare her happy for Christmas, like your mom said. It could be her last.

Your doctor is absolutely correct. If we are ever going to get a handle on Covid we must not get together in large groups. Ask your family members to call your mom and if they have gifts for her, drop them off. Do you have Skype? That would enable her to see her family. Tell your mom that you will have the family over to celebrate when covid is under control. Emphasize that is in everyone's best interest to not get together. Tell her that you love her and don't want her to end up in hospital. Your mom might be in need of treatment for depression. I have a 92 yr old mom who is in a retirement home. I know she would like to be with us on Christmas day but she knows staying apart is best for all of us. Good luck to you. I know it's hard but we will get through this sooner if we take precautions.

I am going to address "This could be my last Christmas". Don't fall for that guilt trip. My mother would say, "I think this is going to be my last year" for almost 15 years. I know she felt that way, but there was no reason for it. I got tired of hearing it. If she dies whether or not she does anything this Christmas doesn't matter. If she believes she is going to heaven, she will be so involved in spiritual activities, it won't matter. If she is atheist it doesn't matter. If she is too sick next year to go somewhere, people can come to her. Hug her and tell her that as soon as it is safe, you can have a big family get together.