Dad (80) is upset he doesn’t have a car. Saving money to buy one. I’ve tried to change his mind. He is not capable of driving safely. Help?

I guess I'd say "not going to happen Dad" as often as needed, or learn to just ignore it. As long as he cannot put any car/driving plan into effect, you should feel safe. I'd just go "grey rock" on this one.

My dad had his license taken by the State. He pulled over for not coming to a complete stop. The officer saw he was a bit confused and submitted a form that he had medical problems suspected. With your dad's accidents and moving to FL, the State will require him to take a written test and a driving test and probably a physical. You do not need to argue with him about his ability to drive. Talk to his Dr and take him in to take the tests. Your problem will be solved for you. My dad is nearing 91 and is actually a good driver. His cognitive function is growing worse. I wish he could drive. Being stuck ALWAYS at someone else's schedule is extremely hard on everyone but my dad has been there for me throughout my life. The risk to OTHERS has to be considered first. Remember when he is abusive, mean, cruel, etc all of the times he put a roof over your head, food to eat and clothes to wear. It helps...

My husband had neurological testing done for Alzheimer's, which took 4 hours. It took a few weeks to get the results, but the neurologist told him straight out, he couldn't drive any longer. He was depressed and angry, but he eventually got over it.
There are going to be times when you will be the bad guy, when you're not really. Angry times that you want to pull your hair out and times when there doesn't seem to be a fix. Don't give up!
This disease has so many components, and each case is different, just stay the course and do the best you can.
I'm 71 years old and my husband is 80 years old and we get along 95% of the time. If he gets angry, I try to change the subject. If that doesn't work, I leave the immediate area. Five minutes later, I'll come back and I can talk to him again, as he's forgotten he was angry. Like I said, every case is different.
I hope I've helped in some small way and good luck.

Have his Dr. send a letter to D.M.V. that states reasons to suspend license. This results in a medical driving test by a person who will have him in a car or just decide by talking to him. I t usually is not necessary when Dr. puts all the details as you stated above.

Have the dmv, doctor, and or sheriff run him through their own testings. cognitive, reflexes..

And tell him he will need to carry a million dollar policy so if he hits the gas instead of the brake,,,, his insurance will pay for the people he mangled... not you.
a relative is a retired fireman... Everytime he went to a car accident with an elderly person involved, it was 99 % the elder's fault...Why? because, the always agree... they must have done someting wrong...

Lives are at stake here... seriously... so have dad talk with doctor, police, dmv.. Perhaps he needs to pass an elder's driving and writing test...? And tell him he will need to figure out how to make the appointments, and get himself to the appointments, because you and hubby have not been able to sleep normally, and kids have their appointments and school to go to...yes, I know covid,,, but blame it on your busy lives of you, hubby, and kids... Sorry DAD... You Need to figure this one out... We are busy.... Here is a list of services like Salvation Army, Church, Yellow Cab, Uber, TAXI Cabs,,,, SENIOR CITIZEN LIFTS...called Access... or your local social services... IN OTHER WORDS DAD... REACH OUT TO AN ORGANIZATION SOMEHOW, AND GET YOUR RIDE TOGETHER... Man..."_

Oh Dad, one more thing.... We Love You, and our neighbors, and take a cab somewhere if it is that important... or ride share, or bus... I love my friends, family, and neighbors too much to help you make an appointment so you can get an official drivers license and/or car in this state... This, you will need to do on your own... GOOD LUCK ... Love you. Oh, by the way, dad, if you need to be taken to the doctor, library, grocery store, I would be more than happy to take you....that is how much I love you....
And since you really do not care where you lay your head... hubby and I are taking over our bedroom... YOU MAY CHOOSE THE GUEST ROOM, OR THE COUCH... WE have also placed some brochures down for you to read for senior citizen suites.. We have found a 6 pack near here, we should check out for you.
This place is having a meet and greet next Saturday... Free lunch... Should I reserve our space so we can tour the place? Space is limited now due to covid.. so we can have a nice afternoon together at least and lunch... :)
Dad please ask the kids, they are great with computers... they can locate other senior living areas near here....

Tell him, you are busy, but in the meantime,, perhaps visit a rental car place. Have him fill all the paperwork out. HIghly suggest that he purchases their insurance plan, for the " just in case" issues.. Friend backed up into a pole that didn't present itself in the review camera... It was just a bit too low... I do not think she got the extra rental car insurance... so it's going to be on her insurance... yikes.

I think your dad has always been an extremely difficult person. The way you describe him makes him sound a lot like my dad. We were actually relieved when he dropped dead at 76. We loved him but we knew he would be impossible to deal with when he began to lose his faculties. Nine months after he died, my mother guiltily admitted that she was happy, as though she had no right to feel relinquished from his domination and utter narcissism. I don’t think your father has changed that much and neither have you. You are playing the little girl to a man who now needs for you to take charge. I feel that the best way to deal with him is to tell him in no uncertain terms that he is in your house and you are making the rules. Stop humiliating your poor husband for the sake of your father’s ego. Get him out of your marital bedroom and put him in the small room your husband is currently sleeping in. STOP kowtowing to him in every way and reward him with what he desires only when he behaves. If this doesn’t work, apply for Medicaid long term care and put him in a nursing home.

I think you were fully aware of what your father was like before you moved him into your home. Why else would you be sleeping on the couch while your father displaces your whole family? It’s perfectly ridiculous to keep living this way in order to appease a totally self centered 80 year old man who is apparently quite used to making himself the center of attention. This could go on for many years. Stop spoiling him! You are the one who needs to change because he never will.

FlaSandwich: My post before sounded a bit harsh and I am so sorry about my tone. Welcome to the forum. You must ensure the safety of your father by not letting him drive. Prayers sent.

Reading this and your profile...

send him back to NC and wash your hands of all this nonsense before he burns the house down with your family in it. It sounds like you weren't very close to him... so why in the world did you let him move in with you?

First - Welcome to the forum!

Second - Reassurance that no, what you are going through is not unique! Many have similar issues, some different, but all difficult for most of us!

Third - More about the driving later, but just hiding or keeping tabs on your keys may not be enough. If he really can't navigate himself to the car, perhaps it won't be a big concern, but if he can, beware! We usually have a place for everything, but sometimes we might put something down, like the keys, when we get "busy" or distracted. I would consider installing a kill switch in your cars. Simpler to de/activate than pulling cables, but be sure not to let him see you flip the switch! Another option would be the "club", to lock the steering, but that wouldn't stop him from starting it or putting it in gear, just no steering which could be dangerous! As you noted, pulling the cables, etc wouldn't work, since his mechanic abilities are more long term memories, for now, so he might figure that out.

Your primary question at the end of your "intro" was about how to tell him he can't drive. YOU know it won't happen, but wanted help in how to deal with it.

"It’s simply is not going to happen has anyone any advice on how to break it to him that he will never own or drive a car ever again?"

There's no real need or really any way to "break" this to him, as it likely won't stick in his mind and/or be accepted. Play along with him. Give him a large "piggy" bank to put his "savings" into for buying the car. Give him catalogs from various dealers so he can pick and choose what he wants (preferably just the pretty brochures, making sure none have contact info!!!!) Let him think he's going to buy and drive a car all he wants, just don't enable it! If/when he shows you what he wants, have a fun discussion around the vehicle, ask questions about it, talk about how much fun it would be and then excuse yourself to deal with some other task(s). Bathroom break always works well!

Hopefully by the time you come back he's onto something else or you can distract him with something, beverage, snack, folding laundry, TV program, etc.

As many have noted, the problem with cognitive issues is often anything you say doesn't stick around. This is especially true with most dementias. The short term memory goes first and anything new isn't retained, at least not for long. My mother could repeat the same statements or questions multiple times within a very short time frame. She was not pestering me, she just didn't know that she'd already said or asked it.

If we try to correct, explain or argue with them, they can become agitated or even become very nasty to us. In their mind, they are fine and so YOU become the enemy, the ONE trying to thwart their plans and the ONE who denies their wants.

It's better to try to avoid any confrontation. Defer the discussion for later, fib a lot, distract when possible. Not a good day today. Maybe tomorrow. You haven't saved up enough yet, keep saving dad! ANYTHING simple that works to defer it. Depending on where he is on the dementia path, some of these deferrals can work. Often we need many "weapons" at our disposal - these can take time to build up (different deferrals, different fibs, different distractions.) Also, play along with his big "plans", keeping it non-specific, asking him questions, letting him keep his hopes and dreams alive, but try to steer him in another direction, until the next time...

There are other issues that need to be addressed, but since help for "breaking" the bad news to him seemed to be what you were seeking, for now, that's all I'm covering in this post.

FlaSandwich-

This is how we approached a similar situation with my Mom about 3 months before we sold her place and she moved in with me-

First, after explaining the same thing about 5 or 6 times, I videotaped (with everyones knowledge) our conversation about the topic again: car wrecks, dementia ( undiagnosed at the time, but 'forgetting'), medical needs (type 1 diabetes.) She was angry (scared) and so I let her argue with me and push back, I mentioned on tape that I was taping this to show to her when she didn't remember having had the conversation. I only showed it to her when she adamantly refused to believe she had discussed this with me. I did not use it to embarrass her or hold it over her head, but after the second or third time it was no longer necessary.

Next, she ended up in the hospital because of neglected insulin (she had been diabetic for 50 years but was unable to remember whether or not she had taken her insulin and at what dose) at which time I had a neurolgical exam and inlisted the doctor's help in diagnosing her. Now I was able to remind her the DOCTOR had made these rules.

Finally, when she pushed back, I let her go ahead and try to get a vehicle, insurance, etc. She was (of course) unable to manage all of those details.

I always had a good relationship with my mother and reminded myself over and over that fear manifests as anger, and extended her as much grace as I could.

She always said she never wanted to live with children in old age and about 3or4 months later, I found a wonderful assisted living apartment about 5 minutes from my house. She has (happily) been there ever since, but that first year of adjusting to not driving and not living independently was stressful and heartbreaking.
God bless and good luck to you, your family and your Dad.

Just your post indicates, to me, that you are still beating your head against the wall trying to clarify the unclarifiable (if that's a word) to a broken brain. You are overwhelming yourself because of the dementia. No, he absolutely does not understand the sacrifices you have made. What little he remembers clearly is not what's going on today, his regression is remembering where he lived prior to today and, of course, he misses it. Of course he would like to say this visit with you is over and now he's ready to go home because his brain is ready for this visit to end.

You know he can't have a car, nor the means to get a car. He also can't drive alone simply for the fact he can't get in/out of the car and load up his own walker or wheelchair. Try not to spend too much time arguing about it. Just agree when he says he is saving his money. Maybe one day when you take him to the car, ask him to get in the car and then ask him how he would get the walker/wheelchair in and out by himself if he happens to be talking about buying a car again. Don't even go so far down the road that you are explaining that you would be the person repairing a car or getting him in/out of the car. He can't have a car so there's never going to be repairs, no helping him into the driver's seat, no insurance payments - all of that is just too many details for him and for you to lay out as potential problems. He can't have a car and his brain just doesn't quite get it yet.

When he gets irritable - agree without really agreeing. Uh-hum, that sounds nice. Could you help me fold some towels? Yes, dad, I love you.

Why have you set him up in the biggest bedroom in the house? It would make more sense for 2 people to be in that room (you and hubby) and put him in the smaller room. If he needs a toilet during the night, a bedside chair works well and avoids walking/falling. Can he get to the bathroom in master all by himself? If he can, surely he can get himself to a bed side pot during the night. Using the guest bathroom during the day. Rearrange the house and take your room back. Don't sleep on a sofa and create more internal anger for yourself.

Your going to have to find a different approach so you don't engage in the subjects that cannot happen. We'll see might be an answer. I think you should save some money. Change the subject.

Do you ever do puzzles - get one with rather big pieces to start with and see if you can steer him to spend some time on that. If he can manage smaller pieces, get one that's a little harder next time. Can you find him any busy work in the house? Like ask him to make a grocery list - doesn't matter if it's one you really use or not. Just occupy time. Keep some towels in laundry room and ask him to help you fold to avert an argument. Any music he likes - turn it on. Good luck. Try to get the reasoning out of your head and don't be so hard on yourself.

Imho, take away his DL. Being behind the wheel of a motor vehicle is NOT EVER going to happen for him anymore.

Ask his doctor to refer you to an agency or rehab hospital to do a driving assessment. We had to do that with my mother and the results were that she should relinquish her driver's license and never get behind the wheel of a car again. If you get that kind of an assessment, you send the results to all of his doctors and to the DMV. If he is mostly wheelchair or walker bound, or if he has a diagnoses of dementia, it should be pretty straight forward. My mother still complains and decides that she is going to get her license back once in awhile. We had to make it clear that on the off chance that the DMV would allow her to have a license again, that she could no longer live with us. I wasn't willing to take the responsibility to watch her drive a 3500 pound speeding missile down the road and possibly hurt herself or someone else. She hasn't mentioned getting her driver's license in awhile. It's not cruel or mean, it is a safety issue.

I can surely relate to your problem. When my husband was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia, he too had several fender benders. His Dr. who was the one who diagnosed him, sent paperwork to the State and they revoked his license, then our insurance dropped him as a driver. My husband is 82 yrs. old, has mobility issues, cannot walk unassisted without his walker and has trouble lifting his legs to get into any vehicle, but still talks about buying himself a pickup truck. Don't worry, if he can't make phone calls or get out to see cars, let him talk.

You have a lot of good advice. Take Dad's NC license and shred it. Don't tell him, just do it. If he want's a car, let him save up to buy one. Just say, "It's your money so I guess you can do what you want." Don't say anything more. Don't repeat.

He can't buy a car without a license or register one without proof of his legal residence.

Don't take him to look at cars either. Just politely say, "You know I am concerned but you are an adult. If you can do this yourself I won't stop you but I don't have to do something that I think is unsafe." Follow up with, "You know I love you very much."

No dealer will sell to him. He will need cash to buy from an independent owner. He won't be able to register the car and he should know that he can't drive it without plates.

In other words, getting a car is his problem, not yours. YOUR problem is that he is wrecking your life. Deal with that and the car problem becomes moot.

It sounds like your father has major dementia in addition to physical impairments, and that you need to rethink A LOT of things right now. You've totally uprooted your entire life, moving out of your bedroom with your husband to take care of someone in such rough condition..........plus, you've given him a door to the outside world which he can escape through in the middle of the night! Your father needs an extensive medical evaluation asap.........and you need to figure out which Memory Care Assisted Living he can move into, or which Skilled Nursing Facility if he needs to apply for Medicaid. Dementia is dangerous..........he can easily try to cook on the stove and set the house on fire, or play with the chemicals under the sink and asphyxiate himself. The car is the least of your problems............you 'lost the keys'............the car is not working, the battery is dead.........there are 100 different white lies you can tell him to prevent him from driving. It's another good indicator to YOU that he's suffering from dementia that he WANTS to continue driving after the accidents he's already created!

When my father got into 3 small fender benders years ago, he called me on the phone to say he would NEVER drive a car again, and that he and mom needed to move close to me into Independent Living so they could ride the mini bus around instead of driving. That is how a lucid mind works. Your dad's stroke has rendered him cognitively impaired, so he's insisting he CAN drive when he cannot. He honestly doesn't understand that he can't.........his brain is no longer wired properly.

Once the doctor evaluates and diagnoses your dad, HE can break the news to him that driving is off of the table. You may have to constantly remind him ANYWAY, because that's how cognitive impairment works. See what the doctor thinks as far as where he should live; in Memory Care Assisted Living or a Skilled Nursing Facility.

If you insist on keeping him in your home, you need to make lots of adjustments to the living arrangement since you can't sleep on the couch forever. Nor can your dad live in a room he can escape from. Read all about dementia so that you can understand why he's not appreciative of all you're doing for him, and why it will only get worse from here. It's really too much to handle on your own, with a husband and family, since leaving your dad alone at home cannot be an option anymore. It's just too dangerous to leave a demented elder alone at home.

Please speak with his doctor right away, and make plans for the future.

Good luck!

Don't worry, self driving cars will soon be available! It will be a blessing for many seniors.

OK, time for a reality check.

Your father has cognitive impairment and physical impairment. He can not drive. Don't go into lengthy arguments/discussions about driving. Consider that this is a "thought loop," or obsession that he keeps mulling over and over and over... in his mind. Best advice is to acknowledge that it is too bad he doesn't have a car or can drive... and change to another topic. In time, he'll obsess about something else.

Your father will not express gratitude, because he has cognitive impairment. He only knows what he likes and expects it to be provided. Consider that he has regressed to attitudes of small children: expect their favorite foods, want favorite toys... with no thought of how those are provided. Drop the expectation of loving interactions with gratitude, hugs... Treasure any moments that he is loving or kind.

As for living arrangements, Dad should not have a private access to his room. He may soon become prone to wander. Better to place him in the smaller bedroom and streamline the bathroom to accommodate his needs. You will want a room that is your respite when he is resting or when others care for him. Also create a routine for him that is followed every day. Routine helps folks with cognitive impairment to "know" what to expect and decreases anxiety and frustration (anger).

Get help. Caring for those with Alzheimer's disease or other cognitive impairments becomes a 24/7 job. You need others: family, friends, members of faith community, and/or paid help to care for him so you can rest, get personal errands done, have a respite vacation.

Driving a car to your dad means the physical aspect of driving not the mental. Driving a car is not only steering, shifting, and braking, which he believes he can still do, despite his accidents, it's judgment and interpretation, which he is deficient in. How fast can I go, what does that traffic sign mean, should I brake, why does the car behind me have flashing red lights? It's feudal to try to convince him not to save if he's insistent on it. You know he's not going to get a car. Don't bring it up. If he brings it up ask him how much has he saved and what's his goal. You might go to some used car or new car websites and show him what it would cost and that he's no where close. So let him keep saving if he wants to.

I do so wish you had spoken to a case manager prior to moving Dad to your home and significantly impacting your life, but you are where you are now. Not sure if Dad needs to have the Master bedroom with an outside entrance. Thank goodness he can't walk that far or you might be chasing a runaway. And I'm not sure how long you and your husband are going to be able to handle "separate but not very equal" sleeping arrangements. Where was Dad living before moving in with you? Senior living? Maybe you could find something for him near you or in Raleigh. He doesn't sound like he could live along anymore. Of course senior living facilities are not cheap in any state. Many ALs, if he is able to live in that environment, don't easily accept Medicaid.

Re: the car. In this country owning a car is a rite of passage into adulthood. It is a sign of your acceptance as a mature individual and to lose it is to lose your sense of independence and self worth. And trust me.... if you live to get to his stage..... you and I are going to be a lot worse!! In addition to the above, his brain will no longer comprehend what you are telling him. As some one has said.... his brain is broken. It's not going to get any better so don't waste a lot of time arguing. My Mom was the very same even though she'd had a stroke. I took the keys away.... and that's when I learn just how many places you can stash car keys! It was amazing. Mom had lived through the depression and her generation put the "F" in frugal and they respected and obeyed the law. After I'd played with the keys (she always had another set), flattened a tire (she called AAA and had them fix it), disconnected the battery (she figured out how to reconnect it!) I decided to think on the situation and decided to use her generations beliefs and characteristics to my (and the rest of the driving public) benefit. Mom remembered that to drive a car you need to have insurance and a driver's license. I could win an international award for the perfect copy of our insurances letter which I sent addressed to her indicating that due to her age and medical condition her insurance would henceforth be $17,000.00 per year. She got the letter, read it silently then asked me to read it to her which I did. That did it. Never did make another comment about the car. That won't work with everyone but you may be able to find something that will work with him. We can't have him on the road being a danger to other drivers and pedestrians. See if you can find a case manager or talk to a social worker at your local Agency of Agency who may have some ideas.
Good Luck on this rough journey and please don't forget to take care of your self, your marriage and that husband who rather kindly allowed you to move Dad in. Peace

Yikes, you need a caretakers group ... I don’t know about you but, I would be angry and a bit nasty if I was no longer able to do what I used to. There are so many thing I have learned from my caretakers meeting. First and foremost was that his brain is broken and no longer functions as it used to . That was a revelation to me . All the talking and explaining was not able to make an impact on him ..., The ability to process that info was gone . I have learned to FIB, a lot .. My feeling was if my man could not remember how to navigate the remote for the TV that he was no longer capable to drive . With his vehicle not being moved during the whole pandemic, we sold it , ( why pay insurance, registration , upkeep Etc, if it was not being used. )with the statement of when you are walking better and more stable on your feet we will shop for another one ( not going to happen .) I was getting quite resentful. Everything fell upon me to take care of. I did get a POA , he signed it and can make decisions for him and am on his bank accounts etc. I keep his credit card in my wallet but slip it into his when we go out. He misplaced it more times than I care to mention . He had used it while he was still driving to the tune I’d close to $50,000. I was able to recoup all but 7,000. I agree with most every thing he says even if not true because to argue is futile . It only frustrates me more. I think the second most important things I learned was to take care of my self . Easier said than done . He really is not much different than he was before his decline but my tolerance level really slipped. BUT, it is thru no fault of his own , his brain is broke.

You already explained it to him. He doesn't get it. He never will. Give up explaining. Adult daycares are probably not open due to COVID-19, but is it possible to meet another family in the same situation that you are? Then you could do simple activities with them--drive in the country, trip to the mall, work in the yard, "organize" the garage. This could take his mind off the car issue. But it sounds like his care is more than you were expecting and you were not prepared. He is disabled, he has dementia, he has no awareness of his own limitations, he has no empathy for you or other people, and his personality is changing for the worse. He needs someone to mind him and respond to him every hour of every day. You must reevaluate if this is going to work for your family. Can you bring in paid help?

My moms stroke is actually what made the whole “you can no longer drive” easier for us. I’m not sure when your dads stroke was but was he ever actually given the ok to drive by a doctor after he was released from the hospital? When Mom had her stroke and was released from the hospital part of the release orders said no driving...as they typically do when one is released after most hospital stays, hers however had no ending date. After some time and lots of PT, her permanent issues are all aphasia related so ST, she started talking about driving again and our response was ask the doctor, ask your speech therapist, it wasn’t up to us...everyone knew she should never drive again except her...she did bring it up with a doctor I think first who referred her to her speech and occupational therapist to set her up with a test they do for patients who have been impaired specifically for driving. I guess they are taken through cognitive reflex tests as well as actual driving, for Mom the real issue was her reaction time, her brain just didn’t fire that quickly and she knew it she was just hoping it would keep getting better. She never pursued the special testing and when she talked about just driving her car down to the store and short distances after moving back home we explained that since she hadn’t been given the specific medical OK to drive again if she were to do that and get into an accident (which can happen to anyone) the insurance company and any injured party could come after us, her children for allowing her to get behind the wheel. Point is her driving or not was out of our hands (even though we certainly expressed our concern to doctors of course and weren’t going to let it happen) we could commiserate with her and help make it easier by arranging transportation for her and driving her ourselves. We got her hooked up with several transportation options that lasted for a little while and gave her the option of independence even though she stopped using them after 6 mos or so.

I really think you need to remove yourself from responsibility for his not driving if you can, place the responsibility on doctors and the system, put yourself in the position of hero for helping rather than villain for telling him what he can and can’t do. This. Isn’t even help you learn how to take the drivers seat with Dad in general too. You always have to pick your battles and I am a strong advocate of remembering they are adults not children even if their brains make them act that way sometimes and deserve respect even when doing things necessary to care for them and keep them safe that they resist.

It doesn’t sound like he would actually be able to rent a Uhaul, pack himself up and go back to his old state/apartment without help, rather than fight with him about it what would happen if you just said “ok if that’s what you want to do I won’t stop you but I won’t help you either because I believe the doctors when they tell us this isn’t a safe plan for you”.

Its just as important to remember that you and your family are just as important and while it is of course your choice, it is not necessary to put your father ahead of the rest of the family to take good care of him. In fact giving him so much control over your family may be more harmful than helpful to him, it isn’t helping him come to terms with his health and life. Rather than focusing on how to maximize what he can do and maybe coming to terms with his limitations, appreciate the support he has you may be unwittingly enabling him to ignore his physical and cognitive limitations. Your house isn’t big enough for everyone and making him so comfortable that he never sees that is a pickle, he should be in the little bedroom and maybe not so comfortable that he has no reason to think about other living situations. I hope he is contributing financially to the household. I’m sure someone else has mentioned it but do you have all the legal paperwork in place, DPOA, MPOA, equivalent? Stay strong

Is there really any chance he can actually get a car? Let alone drive it? If not, why worry? Why waste your breath trying to discuss a car that he won't get? Don't argue about it. If he wants a car, let HIM do the calling or whatever he thinks he needs. He's just unhappy with his life in general right now. Don't respond to his complaints. Give up expecting to get any gratitude from him. You've bent over backward for him. (I'm not saying to put him out, but can't you take your master bedroom back? It is YOUR house. This doesn't sound like a healthy situation for you and your husband!. Do what's best for YOU)

Your Dad has had enough accidents already.

You allowed him to drive and he rear-ended someone.

Maybe you could learn to speak with more authority once you make up your own mind about him not driving.

Not judging you, this is a very difficult situation for you. It's your Dad! He will still be your Dad after he can no longer drive.

Your biggest job is to remove yourself from daughter mode to caregiver mode. Take your room back. This is YOUR home...not his....HE needs to be placed in assisted living or a memory care facility. If he obtains a car then hide the keys and tell him he has lost them.... or dismantle the car so it doesn't start. You are not required to do anything to enable this man, so don't. Also...when the subject of the car comes up, change the subject...do not engage with him on the subject. You are the caregiver....you have to take charge and do what you know is the right thing to do. First and foremost....take your room back!! And start searching for a memory care facility. If you think you've got it bad now, you've no idea how bad it's going to get. Not to scare you but to warn you. Good luck!

Can you distract your Dad? When he brings up driving, just say: "I am driving you today Dad, get ready". "We will sort this all out later".

Do you think he may qualify for senior housing, independent living, or government subsidized housing again? Maybe put him on some wait lists until you know more.

It is a shame that some of elderly population continue to drive if they are incompetent. If the elderly are good drivers there shouldn’t be a problem with them being on the road.

Biologically we slow down with age so when a person starts driving 20 miles per hour on the interstate they need to stay off all highways!

There are exceptions to the common practice of the elderly driving slowly though. My 98 year old cousin gets speeding tickets and tells the cops that she shouldn’t receive a ticket. She has no dementia. She just has a lead foot!

Of course it is worse if dementia is involved but they don’t even have to have dementia and many are still incompetent drivers.

When I was a teenager my mother sent me to the store with my dad’s brother.

My uncle was driving up the exit ramp on the interstate. I was terrified at the thought of a high speed head on collision. All I could envision was my uncle and I driving in the wrong direction on the interstate!

I am sure that I wasn’t wearing a seatbelt and I was in the passenger seat. Seatbelt laws weren’t in effect then. We most likely would have been killed in a car crash.

Thank God there were no cars on the street behind us and I told my Uncle that he had to drive backwards down from the interstate exit.

We went to the store for my mom. As soon as I got home I told my mom that I was never going to go on another errand with my uncle ever again in my life!

Yes, anyone can be a bad driver at any age but I am in favor of the elderly population having to retest for their driver’s license annually. In my state a license last for six years!

I am so grateful that my parents graciously stopped driving. Daddy had a stroke and mom has Parkinson’s. No way could they continue driving.

Most of us know people that have been in horrible battles with their parents about driving. It’s a serious and difficult situation to be in.

Sure, I have empathy for the elderly that are losing their independence but I don’t ever want to be in a car with them or share the road with them. It is dangerous for all of us.

So anything and everything must be done to keep unsafe drivers of any age off of the road for our protection, as well as their safety.

Please excuse if this sounds frivolous, but I wanted to add to what purna2go posted regarding to car-related recreational activities. Do you think your dd might be interested in those car racing video games? I'm not a gamer, but believe there are some setups that have actual little steering wheels. Others use joysticks I think. https://www.cbsnews.com/news/video-games-senior-citizen-video-gamers-growing-by-millions/

Of course this isn't going to resolve all the other issues attendant on bringing your father into your home. But if he's capable and interested in playing certain video games, it would a nice hobby for him going forward, and something he could continue to do if he were to end up going to an ALF. My brother in law is in a nursing home and they have wii bowling (and other games) for their residents and it's a big hit.