babysheltie Asked September 2013
Why does my father call me and rub in the fact I'm not in a higher paying job?
Follow
Share
I just got employed after 4 yrs of unemployment. The job isn't much, I live in no NV and there aren't any jobs. I left a high paying job and came here. I made a BIG mistake but now I'm stuck. My father rubbing it in doesn't help.
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
13 Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Popular Questions
Ask a Question
It doe not specify dementia. I have been on here for several years. My parent doe not suffer from dementia. For that matter, a number of people caring for spouse with dementia, and other conditions, are on here, and are welcomed.
Most of the negative has nothing to do with you. I know as a parent, when I get angry at my daughter's errors or faults, part of it is that her flaws "make me a bad mother." I'm taking her life as a reflection on me. It isn't. I have to try my best, and if I did, her success or failure is out of my control. So maybe he's putting his ego on the line.
Even more likely, he is pretty unhappy with his own life. Men sometimes (often) measure a person's worth by their success. No matter how successful he was, he's a failure now. No job, no career, too old and frail to play baseball with the guys, feeling dumb in the face of computers that his 8 yo granddaughter can handle. He doesn't know how to succeed by being a loving supportive person.
Does he blame himself? No. To quote my late father, "I've forgotten more than you'll ever know." You're right there, in the perfect spot for him to blame and criticize. It may be as much as 5% about you and your low wages. It's 95% about him and his own unhappiness with himself and his situation.
1. Don't take it personally.
2. Don't take it.
"Dad, why would you say such a thing to me? Are you trying to make me feel bad? Why would you want to make me feel bad?"
"Dad, you know why I moved here. You know what the job situation is like. What do you think I should do? Become a prostitute or a bank robber?"
"Gee, Dad, if I'm such a failure then why don't you get someone else to come over and do your shopping? Oh, I forgot. You'd have to PAY them."
"Dad, You can't speak to me like that. I have friends and strangers I could visit who would actually be nice to me. I'm leaving. I hope you feel a little more polite when I come back."
I suspect you're a nice person who doesn't like confrontation, so you'll need to practice a script. Don't expect logic or an apology. Say your piece, listen to his reply, and unless you get an apology, at least walk out of the room for a minute.
You know you don't deserve this.
Good luck and good wishes.
I am so sorry about your Dad. I know this is hurtful to you. So, you must establish boundaries with him. This is not a topic that he is allowed to discuss with you, or any other topic in which he is not 100% positive and supportive. By listening, or allowing him to talk about it, you are enabling him to abuse you, whether he is mentally impaired or not. I went through similar with my own mother, and I firmly believe that we teach people how to treat us.
I know it isn't easy, but I wish you the best!
She came her for the answer to her question. Isn't that why we are here to help others.
The short answer is we don't know. The long one is that maybe he is disappointed in her for not using her qualifications to get a better life for herself than the one he achieved. He may not be putting it kindly but I hear concern. It could also be nastiness we just don't know. So I would just tell dad to talk about other things. You don't like the low pay either but it is better than nothing and you will find a better paying job when you can. In the mean time you are taking care of yourself and not asking him for money
As a parent, I know I don't always say the right things to my sons. Years after I say something hoping to encourage them, they share with me how upsetting my words were.
Try to sit down with your dad and tell him you know he wants the best for you and that you are trying. Ask him if he has any concrete suggestions for you. Ask him for his advice in a calm way.
One day, those words of advice will be all you have left of him.
When I was 40 and single, I asked my dad what I could do to find a man... what was his best advice? I had a good job at the time and he told me, 'honey learn to cook'. I was stunned! Really? I worked so hard to get my graduate degree, to be financially independent... really? I almost cried. I walked to the kitchen sink, stunned. Then he said, "and learning to clean and keep a nice house is important too."
Today, I remember those words and he was right, a little bit. He also told me to save my money. He gave me lots of tid bits, amid yelling and nastiness and insults... Today, I rely on the words of wisdom he shared. He didn't know how to be a good parent, but I tried to help him, by sitting down with him (once in awhile when I was feeling particularly strong) and asking him for his advice.
That made him SO happy! (In the back of my mind, and I also eventually told him, I am asking for advice, but that doesn't mean I have to take it. I am an adult and will do what's right for me at the end of the day)
I hope this is helpful. Think of him as a confused guy, who wants to be a good parent, but has no clue how to do that and when it comes out, instead of being helpful it's hurtful... but he really deep down, may be trying to help you for the long run.
I remind my brother that no parent wakes up and says "how can I make my child miserable today?" Something is wrong. Give yourself credit for the good you do and don't take the negative as a personal attack.
See All Answers