Mom passed away 11 months ago. Dad didn't do lonely well so I moved him in with me and my wife. It was part of the plan years from now. I spent the last 11 months running back and forth (7 hours each way) for days at a time. Lost business due to my interruptions. Cleaned out his house and business with little help from my siblings (one of which lives 3 miles away from him and worked for him). Siblings took what they wanted and that was it. Was 2 months until I even got a call from one on how are things going? My wife is a saint, she is so good about all of this, it is taking a great toll on both of us. We just got used to being empty nester's. I turned my house upside down to make accommodations, sold and gave away many of my things to make way for all of his. Gave a lot away to charity. Now that he is here it worked OK living wise, he has his own living room TV, computer bedroom and bath. He has his car, fully functioning. When mom passed he gave up eating well. He'd prod me with what crap he ate each day. I am not the best eater but we do try to eat healthy. He gained weight and is completely doing nothing. He went from running his business every day to nothing. The last 2 or 3 years he was keeping busy with the business loosing money and trying to look like it was working. The only thing he was doing was transferring money day to day spending money to make money. My parents had no plan for retirement. When mom died his money went to half so he couldn't keep up the expenses. So the only way was to move in with me. I'm OK with it but now he is here 27/7. I work at home now regulated to the basement. I got him a great gym membership for 3 months and he went once.I set his banking up, he still uses his old bank. He always says "we have to do this or that" he cant do or wont do anything him self. I have to call his Dr.s find him new ones order his meds. This is a man who tomorrow in 10 minutes could order every part to build a house! I give him phone numbers and tell him to do it but he wont unless I do it. He will make an excuse to go out maybe 2 times a week to get groceries and now I know he is sneaking out to get junk food and tell us he is eating healthy. Sorry for the rant. He asks for a specific meal (he can cook) and doesn't even say its good or bad. He told my wife 'he doesn't give compliments". Its a wonder I came out so different (thank you mom)!
Some is good some is bad, I cant go anywhere my self unless I take the bike he wants to go with me to get out of the house. My wife and I have taken to fibbing a bit to say we have errands to do just to get out of the house. I planned a trip for dad and I back in January as a last big trip. My wife is not pleased as it is longer than any vacation we take together. I cant plan a trip for her an I as he wont take care of the dogs and house while we are gone (his dog my dog). I'm afraid to leave him. My wife has 2 weeks of vacation left and we are stuck here. I feel trapped in my own house. Siblings are no help at all what so ever. No relatives even close. I don't want him to make a long drive again, his friend just feel asleep at the wheel. He wont find a volunteer job or something to do unless I do it for him. He is overweight and cant stand long or walk far (trying to get him to walk every day). How do I not feel so trapped? Plus overriding guilt is massive right now between mom passing and taking this all on. My wife says I shouldn't feel guilty but for some reason I do I don't know why. Maybe because I haven't processed it all yet and we are selling and giving away all of my moms things.. Stressed beyond belief........
Take a week of those two weeks and go on a vacation with your wife. Put both dogs in a kennel (what did you do BEFORE dad moved in?) or take your dog with you. Most lodging takes pets now. It's doable. For your trip, see if you can order Meals on Wheels. That'll accomplish three things: a wellness check every day; nutritious meals; and an appreciation of your wifey's cooking. Ha! Sans that, you and wifey put together 7 nutritious meals that can be heated in the oven for a half-hour -- with sticky-note instructions on every container. (Make the containers oven-proof, by the way. Glad makes them. Idiot-proof them by covering them with aluminum foil instead of the plastic lid.) glad/food-storage/containers/ovenware-8x8/
Meatloaf one night; stew the next; lasagna the next; mac & cheese one night; roasted chicken with potatoes and veggie one time; chili; etc. Have a loaf of delicious bread in the house and a dozen hard-boiled eggs. Walk him through the program carefully before you leave. Call him every afternoon/evening to see how he's doing.
As for not being able to go out alone. What? Just another indication that you're still his son and not in charge. If he is living in your home? With you and your wife? You're in charge. Step up. Here's a word you need to learn: "No."
Your wife's a saint. "I don't give compliments" is just one more way of being in charge. And rude. He should thank his lucky stars. Now. Go remind him. ;) ;) ;)
I wish you well. You're a good son.
Believe me you need to take care of yourself.. If any thing put your wife first!
Take lots of pictures because in the future that's all you'll have left of vacation time..
Stop having any junk food in the house. Tell him that is stopping and have wife only prepare healthy meals.
Tell him you expect him to be respectful and say please and thank you to family and guests and that these are now your house rules and you will tolerate nothing less. Make it clear that if it isn't working for him or you going forward that he should consider moving to a senior apt. There are several probably locally that have rent on a sliding scale --so no reason he can't afford.
You spoke about sibs that lived close by and then they didn't call when you relocated dad--now you know why, they likely had more contact with him and saw the signs and were happy he moved away.
Sorry, but for your sanity; put on your big boy pants and practice some tough love or give him the boot. He wouldn't have tolerated such behavior from you, so you don't need to tolerate from him just because he's your dad.
We are not obligated to care for our parents, we don't owe them because they raised us. That was their job.
You've gotten good advice. You're in a transition stage now where you're becoming the parent and you'll have to deal with your father as you would a child. It's a tough situation and one that's not easily navigated.
I agree that he needs to participate in the household chores. I think the issue though, is getting him to do it. And I'm not sure how that's to be done.
I still think there's a possibility of harnessing and channeling his building knowledge, but you'll probably have to walk him through getting involved.
I was wondering if there's an active Habitat for Humanity in your area. He could volunteer to help as they fix and repair houses for people in need. You'd probably have to go with him a few times until he realized he's enjoying it.
Is he a churchgoer, and if so, does his church have presence in your area? If it's a church that has relief society extensions, perhaps he could help folks in need fix up their houses.
Could you get him to some senior group activities, especially something like a woodworking group?
What about volunteer activities? He could work in a food bank sorting and/or packing groceries. He could volunteer at a hospital working in a gift shop or delivering magazines or books if there's a VA facility or some other long term care facility that might need help.
That in turn might make him realize what a great deal he has living with you and your wife1
Perhaps he's not only still adjusting, suffering some cognitive issues, but perhaps he's really at loose ends because he perceives it's no longer necessary for him to be responsible for maintaining his own house.
Perhaps he also needs to find a reason for living, to put it bluntly.
I am trying to teach him his computer when I can. I will give him numbers to call vs me do it. A bit of tough love is in order. I will take my wife away for a few days. We have a beautiful home with a pool and yard we love but cant enjoy the quiet like we want. My choice I know, just have to work around it.
On the issue of cleaning, perhaps you can add one task a day, or one a week, as he can comprehend it and give him a chance to get used to adding that into his schedule.
"His situational awareness is not always engaged."
Love that comment, and what a delicate yet sophisticated way to describe his situation.
Dad gets an overnight trip and wife gets 10 day vacation. That is how it would work in most families I know!
You need to have a good old fashioned sit-down talk with Dad to lay out the rules of the house. He's not a guest, he's a participating member of the household. Everyone chips in. He wants meals? He needs to be complementary to the chef. He does his chores. He helps out the other housemates (you and your wife). Give him some chores to accomplish that will help you and your wife, so he feels like he's contributing to the household. Let him know what he's responsible for accomplishing and then hold him to it.
Just like when you were a kid, "mom and dad" need alone time. Dad doesn't have to come on every outing. He needs to establish some friends and activities on his own. Can he go to church or a senior center nearby, so he can start to have some activities independent of you? If he chooses to sit around by himself, that's OK, but it's not a license to stick to you like glue. If you deny him that opportunity, it may spur him to get out more on his own.
And definitely go on vacation with your wife. MaggieMarshall's suggestions about that are good. If you don't want to kennel your dogs, have a dog walker come in. Surely your dad can feed the dogs if the walker walks them every day.
Your dad has been through a lot of change, so he's needed time to adjust. But now he's had some time and you need to set the boundaries for life from here on out. Be respectful but be firm. And if it's not working out, you can also find him somewhere else to live, where he can live like he wants. Make that clear too. Good luck and keep us posted. Your mom raised a good son!
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