My father (90) was diagnosed 2 years ago with short term memory loss/mild dementia. The dementia has steadily progressed, but my mother (86) refuses to accept it. She insists that it is just mild dementia and that he is just being stubborn and wants it his way. He not only has short term memory loss, but he now refuses to bath without a fight...always a standoff, can not shower by himself...she has to do it for him, constantly makes inappropriate sexual comments to women, refuses do simple walking or exercising as prescribed by his doctor...has had surgeries and is losing his mobility, needs help getting dressed, has lost interest in reading and watching television...just sits and sleeps, and gets extremely agitated swearing and saying very hurtful things when my mother tries to get him to cooperate. He was never like this before the onset of dementia. It's as though he's on a very slippery slope. My mother is exhausted and depressed...she does all of the care herself and will not get help. She still refuses to accept that this is the dementia progressing and get help...and she gets frustrated with me when I try to get her to see the reality. Her health is fragile and I don't want to lose her, too...Not sure what to do!
I believe for my Mom her whole adult life was running the home, meals at 5pm, keeping a spotless house, caring for Dad and me... that was her job. And one does not retire from THAT job. Even at 97 today she keeps on working at her job. Glad my thinking is different.
Long story short, I have been trying to communicate to my siblings for years that it is dementia, but most just want to believe that it is stubbornness and a mean spirit as well. I feel your pain. Do what ever you can to get your mother some respite...it will be good for her health. Can you do something sneaky like have a caregiver come over for a day to clean house and watch father while you and your mother go to lunch and a beauty shop day?
Can you get some respite care through your father's doctor (who can script for home care) so you can take your mother out for dinner, or away just for a while to give her some rest?
Is he on any medication for the dementia?
My dad was diagnosed 2 years ago with "mild" dementia and takes medicine for it. He has had heart surgery and a hip replacement in that time. I am trying to encourage a follow-up with this physician to "update" his medications, but it tough to get it done. I think they are both so tired and seem to be overwhelmed by any additional trips to doctors. Suggesting yet another doctor's appointment seems to topple the deck of what my mother is able to accomplish and yet, she's really resistant to engaging outside help...I guess that's part of the denial. What a difficult time of life...for both of them! I can only imagine how frightening it is for them to make these adjustments! All I want to do is help make it an easier situation for them: keeping them happy, healthy/safe and enjoying each other and our family...the simple pleasures!
I am so appreciative of any suggestions that you may have that would help me help them...this is unchartered territory for me! Thanks so much!!