Dad thinks he will get his driver's license back--and has a 'new car' picked out. How to respond?
About four years ago, my then-86-year-old father (since diagnosed with Parkinson's) got into a car accident with my stepmom in the passenger seat. No major property or personal damage, but Massachusetts took his license away; the car (even though it didn't appear that bad) was eventually declared totaled by the insurance company. For the past year or so, almost every time I talk to Dad on the phone, he says this is the week he's going to start to get his license back (and he's got his eye on a Toyota FJ Cruiser). I believe he had gone to the DMV once and they told him he needed a doctor's signoff. He's also going to run out of money in about a year, which renders any notion of buying (and insuring) a vehicle moot. How should I respond? Grit my teeth and let it go? Remind him of the obstacles? Something in between?
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As for buying a car, does your dad realize he can't afford it? And if not, who is in charge of his money? Before I realized there was anything wrong with my dad's mind he went out, was gone an entire day (scaring me to death) and leased a brand new car. It had, like, 1 mile on it. Not realizing he was slipping into dementia related to liver failure I didn't say anything about it. He was still taking care of his own business. But once I figured it out I had a hell of a time unloading this car. It took months and practically drove me crazy. I was his POA and that helped a little when I was trying to get rid of this car but it was still a mess.
Since your dad isn't driving right now he'd need someone to take him to a car dealership. Let any and all people involved in his care know not to drive him to a car dealership. The logical thing may be to get the license back first before going to buy a new car but your dad may not be thinking logically. That he doesn't have a license right now may not matter to him. He may still try to get that new car.
So to answer your question, how to respond, keep reminding your dad that he doesn't have his license. If you're certain that the Dr. won't sign off keep telling your dad that if he gets his license back then he can get the car (knowing that it's not going to happen). I'm pretty sure a Dr. wouldn't OK a driver's license for a 90-year-old with Parkinson's.
It's never easy, is it?
We have a couple family friends who had dementia and went and purchased new, expensive vehicles without anyone knowing about it. They eventually straightened it out, but it involved a lot of time and stress. Oh, these people were licensed.
I don't think it would hurt to call his doctors and alert them, but don't tell your father. I would also call the insurance company and ask if they'd renew his license. I suspect the answer is no.
I can't imagine any dealership lettering someone w/o a license or insurance test drive a car. As I recall, I had to provide that information before I could test drive the car I subsequently purchased.
So either way, your father may unfortunately be embarrassed when he learns that he's not going to get his license back. But it's better that independent sources tell him than if you do.
I wouldn't say anything to him - let the DMV or the doctor take that role. But be there to support him, as he likely would be either annoyed, angry, mad or saddened. Plan to take him someplace special to buoy up his spirits. Loss of one's ability to drive is a significant blow so he likely could benefit from some uplifting words or activities he enjoys.
In the meantime, has he tried any of the little motorized scooters in grocery stores? I've found that shoppers usually give wide berth when they see an older person driving one, so it might be that your father can navigate one of those and satisfy that need to drive, even though it isn't going to restore his independence as much as a car and driver's license.
There are also the little battery powered scooters for personal use. We got one for my father for $125 or $150 - something like that - at a garage sale. Dad drives his up and down his street and enjoys being able to stop and talk to the neighbors on his excursions.
Good luck - I know this is a difficult step in again and sacrificing independence.
Next paragraph should read "letting", not lettering.
Don't know where my brain was when I wrote that post.
Whenever my Dad talks about wanting a new car and he finds out he can't purchase a brand new large sedan for $12k any more, that usually ends the discussion of a new car. But Dad [93] will talk about wanting to drive again after being off the road for 6 years, that scares the daylights out of me.