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My mother passed away of a terminal illness 3 years ago. We had a caregiver (I’ll just call her Maria for this thread) helping us the last 1.5 years of her life. Towards the end, we started noticing Maria spent more time near my Dad and less helping my Mom. She was engaged to another man at the time, is in the U.S. on a Visa, and is in her early 40s. Dad is 60. She never stopped speaking to Dad and they remained “friends” from a distance because she went back to Mexico after Mom passed. Fast forward a year and my Dad announces they are dating, that she ended it with her fiancé (who was not as well off as my Dad) just a few months before. Three months after him saying this, Maria moved into my parent’s home and stayed for 6 months until her limit was up and she had to go back to Mexico. It was a tumultuous time to say the least. 6 months later, she returned, only now her Visa is going to expire in August 2022. Dad said he gave her a ring and plans to marry her so she won’t have to keep leaving the country. Maria claims to love my Dad. There are no family members who support this union simply because it seems so plainly obvious to everyone but Dad that Maria is in it for the wrong reasons. She has so much to gain from him and I feel she took advantage of him when he was at the lowest point in his life. The things she has told my family are indicative of very scary manipulation and narcissistic tendencies. He has essentially turned his back on his children and family in order to keep Maria happy. I’m not sure what can be done anymore, but I needed to reach out at least for some advice or support. It is a truly sad, sad situation to see my Dad fall prey to a woman who very clearly is in it for her own personal benefits.

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If Dad is only sixty, marrying again is not an unusual thing to do. He and Maria know each other quite well. It’s not a rapid scam involvement, and he's not 'on the rebound', since your mother's death when he was 57. Would you feel upset if he remarried at all? The benefits for Maria are fairly obvious, what about the benefits for Dad?
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notgoodenough Jun 2022
I agree, Margaret. I would think that a "gold-digger" would have worked more quickly.

It also seems to me that men of that age who find themselves widowers often re-marry.

How does Maria treat dad? Does she treat him well? Is she kind to him? Or is the relationship only one-sided, with your dad doing all of the giving and Maria doing all of the taking? I think that's more important than any money she might get down the line.

I'm sure mom and dad had plans on how they were going to spend this early retirement age, and those plans unfortunately did not come about due to mom's early, untimely death. And Maria might be more comfortable with dad discussing his deceased wife than other women might be.

I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that Maria has evil intent here.
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Convince dad that a prenuptial agreement would be in his best interest.
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XenaJada Jun 2022
If nothing else, he needs to create a trust that Maria cannot touch that will cover his long term care. Maria needs to not know about it. Then she can blow through the rest of his money and take off like gold diggers usually do.
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I wonder if you congratulated Maria & also mentioned, to be polite, a pre-nup is expected in these situations... I wonder what her reaction would be. If she would see the sense in it.. start twisting Dad's arm to marry quicker without it, or run.
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MaggieRo88 Jun 2022
A prenup is in the works, according to Dad. However, he hasn’t informed us about when or anything yet. Her Visa expires August 1st, so they are kind of already rushing to be married by late July. He said she won’t have to leave anymore once they are hitched. Not sure how the citizenship and all that works to be honest, I need to look into it.
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It's actually quite easy to love someone who loves you. I don't see that you need be as sceptical as you are about her feelings towards him.

What was tumultuous about the six months Maria had to spend in Mexico for migration control reasons?
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I know another gentleman who has fallen under the spell of a known Golddigger. It is like watching a train wreck!

He is otherwise of sound mind. But this woman has managed to turn him from his children and many of his friends.

He has a lot of money
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MaggieRo88 Jun 2022
Oh no, sorry to hear this. It really is scary if that’s what’s happening. Maria has basically managed to turn my Dad from all of us, too. I think we just need to say congratulations, glad you are happy, and support him. I’m coming to accept, I suppose.
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Interesting that father's noble intention of marriage is based on convenience ("so she won't have to keep leaving the country") and unlike the hapless Maria the subject of love has not specifically been raised by father (at least not mentioned in your post).
No, he is not the dumbstruck smitten fool you portray; just lonely, needing company and support. I'm sure father is well aware of the connotations and family disapproval which may only be egging him on in a bid to regain some of his pride and help move on from loss. True, this may be folly and costly but at least give him the credit for not stagnating and getting on with his life.
Perhaps offering a little encouragement will show you can respect his judgement now that you have all had your say and I hope you too can find acceptance in whatever role Maria finds to fill the void in his life. Surely you don't want to lose your father over this; and somehow I think you all need to be there for each other whether things work out or otherwise.
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MaggieRo88 Jun 2022
Believe me, I have encouraged him and supported him in moving on. He made changes to the house and updates and I told him that was great. When he first told me about her, I was hesitant and told him to be careful but I also said if that makes him happy then I am happy for him too. I never said he was a fool. I know he’s lonely and needs a companion. However, people also make some not so great choices sometimes just to keep from being alone. Whatever happens, he will be the one living with the choices. We will be here for him.
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Have dad see an elder law, yes elder law attorney to talk about the financial implications of he were to remarry at this time in his life.
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MaggieRo88 Jun 2022
Thank you!
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In addition to the already other good suggestions, you might consider hiring an investigator to do a background check and see if you can identify anything that might (a) reflect that she's done this before and/or (b) might affect her citizenship application.

I also support the ideas of protecting the assets, but your father has to agree to create a trust, and he is in fact the only person able to fund it, assuming that all assets are in his name. Remember as well that assets in trust are subject to different tax regulations than those which are not. I would seriously review trust taxation regs on whatever assets he has and determine how much he would lose to the federal government by transferring assets to a trust.
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MaggieRo88 Jun 2022
Thank you for your response! My parents established a trust just before my Mom passed, so I am glad that is in place.
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If she's conning him its a slow one. You don't magically become a US citizen just because you marry one. You can't even apply for citizenship until you've been married to (and living with) your US citizen spouse for three years.
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MaggieRo88 Jun 2022
Okay, good to know. I haven’t yet fully researched the process. Thank you.
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Even if he married her today, there is at least a 4-5 year wait for an interview to get a green card, so there is that . She may get tired of waiting and leave
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MaggieRo88 Jun 2022
I didn’t know this, thank you for the information. I guess we will see what happens.
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Dad is still very young. All things relative and say I at age 80.
I think he has a right to happiness if he has found it, but here you don't mention love. Does DAD mention love? Would Dad like to live part time in Mexico. A friend of mine married a latina and spends half the year in Mexico where they have a condo, and half here.
I would speak frankly with your father and tell him the one fear you have is that someone may be taking advantage of him for his money and for citizenship. Otherwise you are FINE with him wanting a companion. I would ask him to attend an attorney with you and any other family and with Maria, to put together a Trust in which Maria has whatever he wishes to leave her, and the family has the preponderance of the inheritance. This would eliminate the worry of Maria marrying Dad (who is still really young) for his money. I am 35 years with my partner, we are "domestic partners" legally, and he raised two children and I raised two children who were grown when we met. Our assets are kept separate and will go to our children with the exception of life estate in a home. We have Trusts that stipulate such things and so on. Trusts aren't needed for many; for us it is wonderful.
If he says no, then no is the answer and I would make that clear that no is his option, and he is not obligated to leave his nuclear family anything,that in fact you hope he lives to spend every dime. . And I would drop it thereafter WHATEVER his decision, because quite honestly it isn't your business unless Dad wishes to make it so.
I wonder what you mean by "it was tumultuous". Can you explain that for me?
You say Maria is CLEARLY in it for her own benefits. That is a lot to be so certain of in all truth. They are near enough in age and generation. They may be in love.
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MaggieRo88 Jun 2022
Dad has not mentioned love. He will only say “like” and that he likes spending time with her. He said he doesn’t want her to keep leaving and just wants her to stay. We encouraged him to go to Mexico to be with her as well part time or however long he needs if that is what makes him happy, but he said marriage is the best solution to keep her from needing to leave. He said he doesn’t want to live in Mexico at all. We said be with her if she makes you happy but is marriage really necessary?

He said he is going to have her sign a prenuptial, so that is a good sign. We asked if he could have us down for advanced medical care as well, but he shrugged us off and said Maria would take care of that in the future. She doesn’t speak English, so I don’t know if that would be difficult for her to navigate, maybe not since Spanish translators are typically available.

The tumultuous portion is a long story, but I will give some examples. She said from the beginning if one of his children was not okay with the relationship then she would go back to Mexico. My sibling made it known she was not, yet she never left so that was untruthful. Another example, she blocked his family on social media. When would go over to visit, she would leave to my parents’ old room (now my just dads room) and close the door. I guess just the overall lack of genuine effort to get to know us better and establish that trust is what has been at the core of our difficulties. Also, just a few weeks after she got here the first time, she brought her son and his girlfriend to stay at the house so they could get the COVID vaccine here in the U.S., since she said it was too difficult to get in Mexico. Another example is she began receiving mail at the house with her first name and my fathers last name and this was only about one month into being in my parents house.
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A competent, single, 60 year-old man should be free to marry whoever he wants. He doesn't need supervision as if he were a naive teenager.
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Does your dad realize that by marrying into the Mexican culture he is taking on her entire family? That means he will be sending them money, hosting them, whether he wants to or not and being forced to put her and them before his own blood relations.

I have seen this situation play out multiple times in my life. Leaving devastation in it's wake. Because it really is a different culture that is difficult to adapt to.

Unfortunately, people do not consider cultural differences when rebounding or being flattered into a relationship.

Mexican women are treated as chattel in their culture and have no balance when they are not. They rule the roost anyway they can and it is usually not pleasant to behold. You are already seeing this.

There isn't anything you can do about this if he has already made up his mind. You can tell him you love him and hope this doesn't ruin your relationship and then grin and bear it and pray she doesn't take advantage of him and destroy his life.
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MaggieRo88 Jun 2022
Thank you for your answer! We are also Mexican and so I totally understand what you mean. I have given this a lot of thought since posting yesterday and am coming to terms that he has made up his mind and we will hope for the best.
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Many children think that when a father remarries after their mother’s death, it’s disrespectful to their mother. They also think about inheritance. These reactions don’t help family relationships at all. Father may avoid saying that he loves Maria, because he thinks that will make the reactions even worse.

Australians in rural areas with a shortage of women have a long history of marrying Filipino women (and there used to be almost a marriage agency of introducing their friends). Some marriages have been difficult, with the women turning out to have a child or children or mother or sister that they really need to come to be with them because they are so lonely etc. Others have been very successful, with none of those issues. I’ve known both. Sure, Father needs to go into this with his eyes wide open, but at 60 he should be able to do just that.
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Isthisrealyreal Jun 2022
And this pertains to dad marrying a Mexican how?

The Philippines and Mexico are two entirely different cultures.
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Can't help but notice the OP hasn't been back to answer any requests for clarification.

So we once again find ourselves arguing over a question just barely related to care giving involving a hot button topic posted by a person with no information put into the user profile. And a poster who has "posted and ran" or so it seems.

Could it be, my friends, we are feeding a troll?
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MaggieRo88 Jun 2022
Not a troll, just new to this site. Geez.
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Dad is going to do what dad wants to do. It doesnt matter what you say. Maybe he will be lucky and they will have a great marriage and love and maybe she's just after citizenship and his money. Either way dad is hell bent on doing this.

My loser FIL is on marriage number eight at 80 years old and she is already regretting it since his abusive and real personality dudnt take long to show up once they got married. Bonus for her he almost died during a hip replacement and is now in a rehab for 90 days to try and walk again while he waits for a heart procedure to put stent number three in.
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MaggieRo88 Jun 2022
Yes, I do hope it is truly for love and of course I want him to be happy. We told him it’s not about the money, but of course we want to protect everything my Mom and Dad worked hard for. We are just scared of him being taken advantage of at the end of it all.

Wow, married 8 times! Ugh.
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Maggie, devil's advocate here. It really is none of your business. Dad is only 60 and desires companionship of another chance at love. I see above your mom asked him not to remarry? Really? I think in most marriages the sick spouse would want the partner to find happiness again. I know I would. Anything else would be selfish to request. Did mom have a jealous streak? If you want to have a good relationship with dad and her, you best back off. Are you concerned about inheritance?

I think that maybe a grief support group may be of help to you? Or One on One counseling. You have to find a way to get past this.

One thing dad needs to be aware of is that a prenuptial agreement does not protect him if she were to develop health problems. Before Medicaid would cover her, all assets would need to be spent down to Medicaid predetermined amount, which is about half of their combined liquid assets or another amount set by your state.

Is there a process that would allow her to stay longer than a six month period? I would look into that and suggest they live together, only. There are just too many financial responsibilities of they were to marry.
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I’m LITERALLY old enough to be your father’s MOTHER, and although your family quite rightly has concerns about his current plans, I have a serious concern that too much intervention on the part of your siblings, no matter how well intentioned, can ultimately result in demoralizing him rather than having him see whatever reality you hope to convey.

A man of 60 is not necessarily OLD, and “oldism” is as insidious and pervasive as any other “isms” are. Having experienced it, I can tell you that it a TERRIBLE WAY to be perceived, and the recipient of such treatment, if unjustified, in NO WAY benefits.

Has anyone suggested a prenup??

The suggestion will be harder to offer to him since it sounds as though he’s taken his stand and now MUST for his own reasons, defend it, but if you or any of your sibs are still interacting with him on a somewhat civil level, perhaps on the grounds that he should be preparing for a time “in the distant future” when he might need or want some extra adventures or changes in lifestyle or alternatives to how he’s living right now.

Although you may be totally convinced that this situation is clear cut and simple, you and your sibs need to consider that a healthy man of 60 may not consider himself as much in need of your protection as you are thinking. There are no doubt aspects about what he gets from this relationship that he has not likely to have shared with you.

If you feel you’ve maxed out on trying to convince him that he’s doing something “ill advised” might it be time to see if he’d be amenable to sheltering and protecting some of his assets ”for a rainy day”?
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This is a very common situation, and you can only do so much. Often it works out just fine; i.e. the 2 people care for each other; the older person is cared for in their own old age; and the younger person is left better off once the older person is gone.
Suggest a prenup, if they are willing; and then - back off.
Just because something is practical, doesn't necessarily mean that it's wrong. Just my two cents - good luck.
And - You're dad isn't old and doddering, you need to respect his wishes (even if he WERE old and doddering).
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I agree with letting the two find some happiness. HOWEVER, his financial situation should not leave his kids out. Make should make sure his will is “balanced.” This could be difficult if he is only 60. IE, not everything to Maria & nothing to his kids. Maria has a right to look for financial solvency, in addition to happiness. But Dad should be sure he looks out for his kids too. Good luck.
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He is 60 and a adult - Let him go and live your life . Most men who widow quickly rebound and take another wife .
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BurntCaregiver Jul 2022
So what happens when the widower is bankrupted by his low-down mamacita wife who then takes off to shack up with her new, upgraded meal-ticket?
If he's dumb enough to have married her then he has to do her greencard AND do the financial adjustment status.
This means that the widower is financially responsible for her for ten years. Even if they divorce, Even if she is shacked up with a new meal-ticket.
If she opens up credit cards and goes on shopping sprees, he pays. If she tries to get public assistance, he pays because she won't be able to for at least ten years.
I'd be willing to wager her caregiver days will be far behind her once she gets that ring on her finger and her name on the bank account.
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Number one: if Dad is an adult in his right mind, then its his business. Number two: Do ehat I did when my son dated. Get to know HER. You might be surprised, and you could be a great influence on the two of them. Men are influenced by the females in yheir lives. Let your Dad have the live of all the pretty ladies in his life! Also, other pists have good advice. :)
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A grieving 60 yr old married a woman on a visa. The love lasted until she fleeced him for every cent he had — his net worth was over 1/2 a million.

Help dad protect his assets. Then support the relationship.
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BurntCaregiver Jul 2022
Amen to that. All they have to do is present "Maria" with a prenupitual agreement. Then they will know beyond any doubt exactly what her intentions towards the father are.
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Good Morning,

These things happen all the time and after all the posts I have read this past year she may be doing you a favor...
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TouchMatters Jul 2022
Huh?
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Try to convince him to
a. Prepay his funeral/burial expenses
b. Set aside money in a trust for his future healthcare/ AL care.
c. Prenup

If he balks at a prenup, he should at a minimum, do A and B.

Then wish him the best. She's gonna fleece him. You can almost bet on it.
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Handle this confidentially so he doesn't elope. Call the immigration office TODAY, make an appointment to see a rep in person. Have any facts on the woman organized, her employer when caring for your mother, etc. Present your concerns in a non-emotional, professional manner to avoid being viewed as a jealous child. wanting to protect a possible inheritance. Obviously, this woman took advantage of your father at a vulnerable time. She has an agenda. Understand this may cause an estrangement from your father, but he will get over it. Of course, there is the alternate plan; tell him to have a lawyer put an iron-clad pre-nup in place if it will stick in that state and have a certified copy. Then, see if she is as much "in love." Good luck.
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Unfortunately, unless you have guardianship over your father there isn't anything you can do, that I am aware of.

Maybe your father really does love her. He's known her for at least 15 years. All you can do, is love and support him- no matter what your feelings are for her. If you don't - you will lose him twice -
Now and when he passes away.
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rosadelima Jun 2022
It was 1.5 years- not 15. Short term!
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Your dad is still young at 60 and he is lonely. Maria has scratched that itch and if you try to interfere, dad is going to act defensively. There is really nothing you can do other than try to encourage dad to have some things in place to protect himself.
As other posters have suggested, pre-paid funeral expenses, and a pre-nup (which I don't think he will agree to). You could even point out that unless he puts something in place, everything he and your mom worked for will go to this woman when he dies and his children will be cut out. This mean heirlooms in the home that may have sentimental value to you. As his wife, everything will go to her unless he has something iron clad in place and even then you will have a fight on your hands if you don't have a good relationship with Maria.

The bottom line is, I don't think you can fix this. The only question left is do you want a relationship with your dad? If the answer is yes, then you're going to have to put your efforts there.

One last thought...if there are things in his home that are from your moms family or that remind you of your mom and have sentimental value, you might want to ask dad for them now. Point out that if he is moving on with a new wife that they might be better appreciated by his children and in their care.
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Your father is of sound mind so there is nothing you can do. The best you can do is support your father in his decision. He is probably lonely since your mother’s passing and the lady that you don’t agree with brings him some joy. It could well be love. Try to be happy for him if you can. Have a daughter to father girlfriend chat, get to know her she may not be as bad as you think.
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To answer the obvious unspoken question, NO, she is not legal to stay in the USA if she marries Dad. He must see an attorney before he starts down this road. In addition to the paperwork that must be done before they marry, he will be legally and fiscally responsible for her and any minor children she might have! Has this been discussed? Does he want to be raising her kids and paying to educate them?

If he is marrying her as a favor to both of them (he gets eldercare from a woman he likes and she gets a sponsor) they absolutley need to do this legally. Immigration is a fairly complex process and marrying before filing the needed documents is certain failure. She can be deported, and would then be ineligible to reapply for at least 10 years. The likelihood of being caught is about 100% since she can't live "under the radar." If Dad loves her, he needs to address immigration first or risk ruining her life.
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DrBenshir Jun 2022
Just to clarify, if they marry first and then apply it will take about 3 years to get a spouse Visa ("green card"). It can be longer depending on how many people are in the queue to be processed ahead of them. She will be required to leave the country after they go in for her interview. She must then wait until all processing is completed to return. If she crosses the border at any time after applying for the spouse visa, she will be denied return entry. That means she cannot go visit family while she waits here. My husband was not a US resident when we married. We have helped several other couples through the years, so this is all first-hand knowledge and experience.
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