My dad passed a few weeks ago. He had a medical procedure that went wrong and due to his already poor health it caused a chain reaction. Lots of surgeries were done and procedures to try and save him. He was a diabetic dialysis patient, the surgeon never told us it was possible he wouldn't heal. The hospital Dr stopped me in the hallway told me my dad would never heal and was very sick. She said don't blame us if something happens and she's telling me the reality. I tried to ask questions and she immediately went on her phone and was scrolling on fb. I was angry as this hadn't been mentioned before and she seemed to care less. She wanted me to decide to end his dialysis treatment and start hospice that day. I asked to speak to the surgeon again and we were going to give my dad time to heal. She continued harassing me daily about ending my father's life and guilting me that he was suffering. He needed a couple more procedures and it was more then he could take. He started getting afib and almost fainted during the dialysis treatment. This Dr contacted a heart Dr and my dad's nephrologist about putting him on end of life care. The nephrologist told me I'm only thinking of myself and being selfish and my dad wouldn't heal. As I mentioned we were never told any of this by the surgeon, we were given hope that he would get better. They treated me like I was a monster torturing my dad who I love and care for. I signed the paperwork that night, but immediately felt regret that I hadn't thought it through enough. I felt guilted and pressured by everyone. I tried stopping it to give my dad more time but he had more complications. I didn't want him to suffer. He died 2 days later. I feel like a murderer, I felt backed against a wall and guilted by everyone to sign. I tried to make the choice for myself and give my dad time but I just didn't want him to suffer in the end. My dad's surgeon was kind and compassionate he gave facts but no pressure or guilt about things. He said it's my choice. I just feel like an awful person and I miss my dad so much.
Can you give us more information, such as your Dad's age, and what were his health issues. It will help us get a better idea of the situation.
You saw your dad suffering so much. Any son or daughter would wouldn't want to see anyone they love in such pain. This has to be among the most difficult situation there is in life.
There is so much pain for you right now, loss of your dad, plus on top of this the pain of having to make this decision. We don't get to choose, but I wouldn't want any one to suffer after what seemed like a long journey of recuperation after each of the surgeries, this is torture. I wouldn't want to suffer like that myself or see anyone I love in such agony.
This is toughest decision to ever make and I wouldn't want anyone to be in this situation. I think in your case it was a joint decision based on the doctor's advice, although it was persistent advice from your doctor's, there has to be a reason for them to repeatedly ask you.
You saw your dad suffering so much and because you love him so much you didn't want to see that.
I would also seek professional regular counselling advice and help, you shouldn't have to go through these thoughts alone, maybe the hospital is able to help here.
so sorry for you loss, if you reading any answers, I wish you peace.
At the end of that, the oncologist wanted to start another round of chemo plus radio therapy. My mother had reacted very badly to that the first time. The physician disagreed. The two of them had a noisy argument outside her room in the hospital corridor when I was with her. M was intending to try, as her first round had given her 10 years of life. She was shifted to a lower-care hospital, and I was with her when the physician visited. He didn’t question the oncologist’s advice, clearly wasn’t willing to be critical in front of the patient. I asked him how long M would be likely to live with or without the chemo. He said a short time without, and about 6 months with, most of it receiving chemo and radio therapy. My mother immediately chose to skip the treatment. She got discharged, went home for regular help from her trusted GP, I moved in with her, and she died 4 weeks later. It was very definitely her choice.
I felt very bitter about the oncologist, whose bill (partly covered by medical insurance) had clearly been well over $100,000, and whose treatment had given my mother a lot of pain in the last 3 months (she was in no pain before the operation). I don’t know if she (F oncologist) found it difficult to accept that death was imminent and she was powerless to cure anything, or if she was in it for the money.
My feeling is that your hospital doctor was right, and so were the others. Your surgeon was just like our oncologist, and the hospital doctor also had professional problems about disagreeing with the treatment. That’s why she disappeared onto her phone. Your surgeon was “kind and compassionate”? “We were given hope that he would get better”? It doesn’t sound that you were really given the facts, which is why all the other doctors had problems with his treatment. It sounds a lot like M’s oncologist, and I don’t class it as “kind and compassionate”.
I think that you should stop feeling guilty yourself, and realise that some specialists should feel a lot more guilty themselves. You did the right thing for your Dad. The surgeon did not.
You have no reason to feel like an awful person b/c you did nothing wrong. I understand you miss your dad and this loss is tremendous. May God bless you and help you through this grief you're experiencing, giving you mercy and peace the entire time.
Guilt is for felons. Guilt means you were in charge and you purposefully both made your father ill and purposely failed to heal him. Guilt means you could have and should have done something that would have saved your father. Guilt has a sort of hubris attached to it which insinuates that you are in charge of life and death, and that isn't the case.
Try the other G-word which is grief. Staying in guilt leaves you mired in a form of "I should have done something and I still can" and grief recognizes that you have lost your Dad. He was a very ill man. He may have been more ready for peace than he felt free to tell you.
If you cannot heal with time feel free to seek counseling from professionals who can help you comb through your feelings. Your wish to be angry at someone? Well, we nurses were often on the bad end of that one, as are doctors often. They are used to it. The fact is that the doctor told you the hard truth.
I am so very sorry for your loss, for your grief. Your father must have been very very special indeed to have earned this much love from his son, and that makes both him and you quite lucky men.
From the moment we are born there is but one certainty. That is that we WILL die. And if we are loved, there will be grief, but there should not be guilt. It does no one any honor.
I hope for your healing and a lessening of your pain. I am 80 years old. As you can imagine I have seen my share of loss. It is never ever easy. It takes time. Sometimes we need help with it.
My dad had heart surgery in his later years. He wanted to take the risk. He came through the surgery fine.
But he had a stroke while he was still in the hospital recovering from his surgery.
My mom blamed herself. I will tell you what I told my mom. It’s NOT your fault.
Your dad knew that you loved him, just like my dad knew that mom and all of us (children) loved him.
We can’t possibly predict or prevent every bad thing from happening.
You are grieving. Your dad would not want you to blame yourself.
Im sorry about your dad. The hospital sounds like so many. Some people may not know, but many hospitals don't want to deal with "failure" , like the one your dad was at. "Failure" is quickly dealt with, so they can deal with helping the living.
The Hospital Doc sounds like many who know there is little chance for recovery, want this dealt with, so the room can be used to treat those still alive.
Again I'm sorry about your dad.
If there was general discussion within the hospital staff about the treatment of your father, his surgeon may have said ‘That’s the family’s choice. Blame them, not me”. And that’s just what they did. They perhaps came as close as they could risk to saying “Get another opinion”. Forgive them, if you can, and just be glad that your Dad is now at peace. Look for peace for yourself as well. Lots of love, Margaret
Surgeons, at least some of them are notorious for not seeing the "big picture" of a patient's health. It sounds like that may have been the case with your dad.
Every hospital has a patient advocate office. I would encourage you to reach out and set up a meeting with them. Go in with a bulleted list of issues--the lack of adequate explanation beforehand and a disregard of your father's OTHER serious health conditions.
I think this will make you feel better and may result in bringing this surgeon's short-sightedness to light.
my moms hospice had grief counseling. Reach out to them.
The dr was insensitive , for sure. the surgeon told you it was your choice, he must have felt it was time for your dad to stop all the procedures.
my opinion .. you gave your dad the best gift possible.
1) Find a seasoned grief counselor who also works with traumatic grief with whom you can process your grief and the trauma of being pressured by the uncompassionate doctor. You were truly doing the best you could under the hardest of circumstances. You may know this to be true intellectually-talking it through w/ a competent therapist can help it eventually FEEL true.
2) what would you say to someone you care about struggling w/ what you are? what would your father say to you about this? What would he want you to know right now?
One thing clearly comes through in your sharing-you made decisions out of love. That is indisputable…sending a hug from one grieving child to another