Dad's Dr. had his license revoked and he doesn't know yet. I'm terrified when he finds out because I'm the only one who could've told them! Any advice?
My father is 80 years old, is basically blind in one eye and cannot turn his head fully to either side. His driving has been horrible for a few years now. For the last number of years, my brother and I have consistently seen vehicles coming home with new scratches, dents, etc on them. My dad blames people in parking lots for these damages 🙄
The other night my brother called me to tell me how terrified he was..he had let my father drive into town and he kept veering into oncoming traffic and people were banging on their horns and swerving to avoid him. They almost went head on with another vehicle. Last week my father admitted to trying to backup to park and he came within an inch of hitting this lady's car. She was very upset at this and spoke to him in a very upset manner because he scared her! He kept saying that it didn't matter if he scared her, the only thing that mattered was that he didn't hit her car. He didn't acknowledge the fact at all that he scared her very badly and that was the reason why she reacted so strongly to him.
The day after the phone call from my brother, I contacted his doctor and they contacted the DMV to have his license revoked. Unfortunately, I didn't find out till later that evening that my brother admitts the truck DOES pull to the left a bit, however, when my brother drives it he is able to keep it within the lines and drive safely, unlike the experience with my father.
My dad totalled his old truck less than 3 months ago, and going back about 5 years, there was an accident that he swears the guy jumped in front of him from behind another vehicle and that my dad never hit the guy even though my dad got sued and the guy won $50,000. I do tend to not believe the guy's story fully as he gave three different stories to the cops, the attorney in the matter, the insurance company, and what he told my dad at the accident scene. The details kept changing. Once he claimed he went over the hood, which is a literal impossibility when you see how high my dad's front end is on that truck, another time he said he was thrown into a barbed wire fence that doesn't even exist at the accident scene, and then there was some other embellishment. I don't know how the insurance company didn't pick this out and how he still won 50 grand. You would think the inconsistencies alone would be enough.
Anyhow, my whole point of this post is to say that my dad's driving has clearly declined, and it's dangerous to society and to everyone in the vehicle. I tried to touch on the issue with him last night and he denied that his driving is bad. I told him listen, you don't want to be responsible for killing or maiming another person. Death is not always the worst thing that can happen to someone. There are other types of disabilities that can make life not worth living if a person suffers them.
I stopped short of telling him what the doctors had done, that they had contacted DMV for a revocation. I don't believe it is my place to tell him, I believe that is the doctor's responsibility, however, they know his personality and how angry he gets when he's upset so what will probably happen is he will just receive a paper in the mail from DMV saying that it was a medical revocation.
I am terrified that my name will be mentioned somewhere because he already doesn't accept the fact that his driving is bad and due to some other circumstances from a third party recently, someone put it in his head that I am only around for the money, that I want to put him in a home, and that I hate both my parents.😐 This person is after my dad's money and wants me out of the picture so he's trying to destroy my relationship with my dad.
What do I do if he finds out it was me who reported his bad driving to the Dr? I know he's going to believe I've stabbed him in the back. I am just terrified he's going to go out and kill himself and or my mother or someone else. I just cant live with that guilt. I already make myself guilty for things I know I shouldn't.
You should have no guilt whatsoever in doing the right thing by reporting dad's horrendous driving to his doctor and having his license revoked. In fact, I'd go one step further and hide his car keys, too, because he's in denial over the fact that he's incapable of driving, so what's to stop him from getting behind the wheel again? You don't mention dementia, but if he can't see the consequences of his own actions, then he may indeed have dementia. When my father caused 3 minor fender benders in short order (involving NO other cars), he voluntarily gave up his license, thank God, so I moved both of my folks near me so I could manage their lives for them w/o dad driving anymore. He did not have dementia or a huge ego, so he was able to say "I can't drive anymore, it's not safe for me to do so" and that was that.
Try to realize that part of caregiving for an elderly parent is making these types of tough decisions and then standing behind them. Much like we do with our children at times. We can't always be the 'good guy' or the 'best friend', sometimes we have to be the 'bad guy' in an effort to prevent others from getting harmed by their actions. I hope your dad doesn't find out it was you who called his doctor. But if he does, I hope he will realize in short order that you are his daughter who did a loving thing for him.
Best of luck.
As far as the insurance paying for a questionable claim, it was/is cheaper to pay certain claims then it is to litigate them. So, bad claims are paid daily. Annoying but, understandable.
I do recommend looking into transportation alternatives and getting the ball rolling on Department of Transportation forms for the senior bus. If we don't provide solutions when the license is revoked, we will see the senior taking chances because they need to go out.
Best of luck, this is a tough issue for everyone involved.
What do you say to Dad if he finds out you are the one who reported him to the doctor?
Yes, Dad I told the doctor I have serious concerns about your ability to drive safely. You can rant and rage all you like, but that does not change the fact that you are no longer safe behind the wheel.
Here is a list of companies and programs that provide rides for seniors.
Here is a list of grocery stores and pharmacies that deliver.
You did the right thing and if asked I would tell him the truth, you may have saved his, your mothers and an innocent person their lives.
We have the task of making sound decisions for our parents when they no longer do so, just the facts of life.
I really doubt that he will kill himself, he is too selfish for that, as he does not care if he endangers someone else, it is all about him and his wants.
IMO a person continuing to drive after this many accidents knowing he has a sight problem, has a cognitive problem. My Dad was a stubborn man but he stopped driving when his legs got bad.
The doctor contacted DMV and thats what u tell Dad. Good for the doctor.
I am glad his doctor is doing something to stop him from driving. Now the bigger question is why didn't your brother make dad pull over when he was driving so eratically and did he let dad drive him back from wherever they went or did he take over the driving?
anyway for your "problem"
Any number of people could have reported his bad driving, the people that has to swerve to avoid him, the lady in the parking lot and so on,.
Tell dad he can get his license reinstated if he passes a drivers test.
There are several ways to have him evaluated. many Hospitals or rehab programs have testing sites. AARP has a program as well.
If something like this won't work for your dad, try to take comfort in the fact that you DID make the right decision, for everyone's sake--your father's and anyone else's driving on the road. I'm sorry that this is so stressful for you in worrying about your father's reaction. You are doing it for all the right reasons and out of love. And whoever is putting those ideas in your dad's head should be ashamed of themselves.
However, I suggest you grow a spine and tell him today that his license has been revoked, because you care about HIM as much as you do about the strangers he might kill. No one really cares what his response is when he is factually incapable of operating a vehicle safely.
As for the truck pulling to one side, that's because it's out of alignment. One of the major causes for that is hitting immobile things like curbs, so don't make excuses for his driving because of the truck's alignment issues. The truck has alignment issues BECAUSE of Dad's driving. He's knocked the truck out of alignment when he parks.
Take the keys, pull the spark plug wires if need be, or better yet, get the truck off his property.
And when it comes down to it, there's actually no reason that you need to acknowledge or admit that you shared anything with his doctor - it was ultimately his doctor's decision and how and where his doctor received the facts prior - or in fact, made the determination on his own - is really not that important in the long run. Perhaps you can follow up with his doctor to relay your concerns about the confidentiality of not bringing your name up - to maintain family peace.
You did the right thing for many reasons - and hopefully you can ultimately focus more on that and find some solace in knowing that the roads will now be more safe!
If the doctor is aware of your father's limited vision, hearing, reaction speed (this is common in the elderly),high blood pressure ( or low BP from from medication) OR anything else that could prevent safe driving, it is INDEED, his responsibility to advise his patient of this! Speak to his doctor privately about the poor driving, near misses etc.
It worked wonderfully well with my father, who had always been proud of his driving. The Dr. suggested that his peripheral vision was not good. He suggested that a child could chase a ball into the street and with the limits on my fathers peripheral vision (vision to the side) he might fail to see the child and the result could be tragic.
Coming from the doctor, my father accepted this. His response was not anger or resentment, but instead, "Oh, no that would be terrible". We didn't urge him in any way, but in about a week, he told us HE had decided it wasn't safe for him to drive anymore. He gave us his car keys.
But we let HIM decide what should happen to the car. He gave it to a person we all knew who was in great need of a vehicle but had little money to buy one. We all felt good about that!
People often have OTHER people call the DMV or the cops about an aging driver. All you'd need is the license plate # and, in this day and age--possibly a VIDEO of the bad driver. I heard of one man who followed his dad while his dad was driving and when dad started doing what he'd do--swerving, missing stop signs, all that stuff, he called the cops and reported an unsafe driver at such and such location. Cops came and pulled him over and did not allow him to get back in the car.
End of story--he lost his license for good. The son didn't feel sneaky--he just couldn't live with the thought that his dad could hurt someone else--the very first day of driver's ed they tell you "Driving is NOT a "RIGHT", it's a PRIVILEGE".
Once the license is gone--introduce dad to the joys of UBER and LYFT. He's probably spending a small fortune on insurance these days. Use that money to pay for drivers. A lot less stress!
The doctor did his job. He ran tests and determined that it's no longer safe for him to drive. Then he informed the DMV who will send notification. The doctor made the decision and his office informed the DMV.
You did not make the doctor's decision and recommendation to the DMV. You did not make the decision at the DMV to revoke his license.
This is the story you stick to. It's also the truth. The DMV and the doctor are not going to tell him his daughter said he can't drive anymore so we're revoking the license. The history of accidents, the erratic behavior when almost hitting a woman, and his doctor's findings are why he lost his license. If you don't want your name mentioned, all you have to do is tell the DMV to keep you anonymous. They will. His doctor is out of practice now, but whoever took over his patients will leave your name out of it if you tell the office to.
As for who this 'third party' is. Keep an eye on them. Keep an eye on your father's finances too. Don't stay away. This 'third party' is able to talk crap in your father's ear because he gets the chance to. You and your brother and any siblings you may have, need to have a meeting. You all have to be seeing dad often and talking to him on the phone to reinforce how loyal all of you are and not give the 'third party' any wiggle room to bad mouth you.
As for the guy who got the 50 grand. That's really not a lot of money. Your father hit him. That's why he got paid. This accident is also part of why the DMV took his license.
Until your dad is notified by the DMV, a short-term solution might be having your brother "borrow" the truck permanently.
This is not guilt, it is a responsibility to do the right thing. No different than not allowing your young child to play traffic or with fire. They may not be happy about it, but you are making the decision for their safety.
Guilt is what you would feel if you allowed your dad to continue to drive and he killed an innocent family or himself.
my mom was livid when I took the car away. I had to. She wasn’t going to do it willingly.
Prayers for you and yours
You have P of A..you don't have to give him that piece of paper from the DMV..just tuck it away..and each time he asks about the truck..just tell him it's not ready yet. It might be a good idea to have your Dad assessed for dementia..and his doctor may be able to give him something to help with his outbursts.
My husband had the same thing happen to him (he was 67 years old) and I told him that the doctor had him on a blood pressure medication that could cause him to have dizziness or he could black out and cause an accident. (in reality he was on medication for dementia to help with his aggressiveness) Little white lies are not going to do any harm..but will maybe help soften the blow of reality :( Good luck..it's not an easy road you are on. <3
Thankfully that was not a tragedy
I’d say do whatever you have to do, disabiling the car is probably best
If you're feeling guilty, picture the scenario in which your dad DID hurt or kill someone. My dad was killed in a car accident by an elderly person. It happens.