I am the main care taker for my 77 year-old father-in-law. He has severe copd/emphysema and is an alcoholic. My husband and I moved in with him last year to care for him. During this time, we have had many horrible situations involving my husband's sisters, who were both living with their father.
During this trying time, the drinking has continued. My father-in-law is a very difficult man. Constantly, my husband and I are batteling with him. To even get him to change his clothes every week, takes three days. Before, he would leave on smelly, urine stained pants for weeks.
I have begun to notice a major decline in his thinking. He can barely walk, without holding on to furniture or a wall. He shuffles. He has tremors and shakes and his face turns bright red. He eats very little and has lost a lot of weight. The smell of urine and alcohol is so overpowering that I cannot even stay in the same room with him any longer.
I have talked to my husband about this, until I am ready to scream. I have talked to his sister. No one wants to do anything about this. I have suggested calling his doctor ( s ), getting an aid in to help with bathing and grooming, looking into the future,as far as a rest home or assisted living. I know he will probably get to the point of complete dependance, and I have made it very clear that I am unable to provide that type of care ( adult diapers, bathing, etc., ).
I am at a loss. I have thought about calling social services to look into this.
Any suggestions would be welcomed. I am trying to prepare for a bad situation getting worse. Thanks
P.S.
Getting him to quit drinking is impossible at this point. Even though I do not care for the man, I would like to make his days comfortable. He will not agree for Hospice.
Maybe is there some way one of you can bargain with FIL: "We are worried about your weight loss. We promise we won't let the doctor force you to give up your beer/wine/drink of choice. But let's find out what's causing that, so you are strong enough to go do (some activity he likes)."
Oddly enough, sometimes the best position from which to help someone like him is when you have nothing to lose. If helping him will cost you a home, that may make your husband (and his sisters) less willing to rock the boat. It sounds like you have two choices in front of you: watch things deteriorate, or rock the boat (and watch them deteriorate eventually, just not the way they are now). My heart goes out to you.
One last trick: when we were REALLY desperate to get my Dad to change his clothes, I used to "accidentally" spill something on his lap, so he HAD to change: Iced tea, room temp soup -- nothing to hurt him, but he did get changed. And -- what a surprise! -- I had the right clothes in a pile so I didn't have to make any choices, just fly in and grab 'em. You'll only get away with it a few times, but your sisters and husband could take turns with you. ;-)
For one thing, you are not going to be able to fix or change your FIL or your husband, plus know that you did not cause them to be how they are. Your husband reminds me a lot of my wife in dealing with her mother years ago for whom I had to make some boundaries with some consequences that took some time to get her attention and resolve the problems with her mommy dearest mother. Second, if you can, I would recommend getting into some therapy for yourself to deal with this dysfunction. All I can recommend is set some consequences for your situation and follow through. Maybe that will get your husband's attention and wake him up out of what sounds to me is a codependent relationship with his dad. Third, I would add find some way to chose a healthier path for your self regaurdless of what they do or do not do. If either decides to get on a healthier path also good and if not that is ok as well.
I wish you well for you are in a fight it sounds like for your very survival.
With the help of a therapist, I have finally decided that I cannot control what will happen with my mother. I take it day by day and do what I can. I no longer feel that I can stop the drinking, including my mother's. I walk away when the stress becomes too much, and I plan to be there for Mom if she ever needs someone to do the "messy and smelly" stuff. However, I now realize I do not have to be a part of the dysfunctional group unless I want to be. We cannot alter the choices of siblings, but we can try to find the best care for our parents. Just remember, that does NOT always mean they need to live with us. We may need to have the role of a guardian angel and make certain their care is good.Best wishes. Rebecca
And an excellent place to start all of your good ideas rolling is to contact social services.
It is a difficult situation, for sure. But you yourself are clearly not dysfunctional, and I believe you can handle arranging for the necessary services. Best of luck to you!
See All Answers