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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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Mostly Independent
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Unsure, as we grow up we develop filters between our brains and our mouth. We may think rude things but we gradually learn the wisdom of not saying them out loud. We filter out the socially unacceptable parts of our thoughts and learn to express our ideas without being offensive.
Eventually those filters start to fail. Elders may sometimes say what they think without smoothing out the rough edges first. If there is any dementia present the filters may be completely gone.
You love your grandmother. It is good to talk to her. You can learn from her and build memories and strengthen your relationship. Perhaps the price for this is that you occasionally get some unfiltered rudeness from her. You can remove yourself when this happens. "Grandmother, I see that you are upset. I'll come back later when you are feeling calmer." Or you could try kidding her about it, "If my voice gives you headaches when I disagree with you, then it is a good thing that most of time we agree, isn't it?"
I suspect that GM's rudeness reflects her loss of social filters and not a loss of love for you. Try to be understanding. Some day you will be old.
Gosh I wish I could tell people they bore me when they disagree with me! How beautifully simple life would become… "DO stop arguing, you're giving me a headache!" Wonderful.
Unsure, Jeanne is right - I'll bet your grandmother didn't mean to put you off calling her, or to hurt your feelings. She was probably just feeling generally tetchy and irritable, don't take it personally or carry the hurt forward. If she complains to you about other people, you could try what my daughter and I remind each other of as our little in-joke about her grandmother: "Nod and smile, dear, nod and smile."
And you really needn't apologise for consulting this forum. It's good to hear from you. Hope things settle back down again with your grandmother x
Unsure maybe that hug and kindness at the start and end of each day was what she needed to stay in a happier place. As we get older, if we're alone, we don't get much physical contact AT ALL from others. So a pat, a kiss, or a hug are all something wonderful to share with those you love.
My family was never physical with each other. We don't say we love each other, we don't hug or kiss...so now when I help my mom bathe, I enjoy just touching and holding her getting in and out of the shower, setting her hair for her, etc. It's also the only physical touch I get too, since I'm single.
So maybe go back to trying those hugs and kisses and see if Grandma softens a bit. If not, you're still doing her a kindness that will "earn you a star in your crown" as my 94 year old mom is fond of saying. And come on here to share anytime.
When she was a very little girl, I once bit my daughter's head off for no reason other than that I was being a crabby old cow and was in a dreadful mood. She was an easy baby, cute toddler, sunny child, I had no reason ever to be cross with her. The look of total astonishment on her face was - thank God! - so comical that it has never left me. She said nothing, just pulled herself up short, pursed her lips, raised her eyebrows and gazed at me; and it completely defused the situation. I bring it to mind whenever I feel the urge to be unreasonably angry with someone who is not at fault - shop assistants, call centre agents, that kind of person; and I also mimic the expression when someone is being unfairly rude or unkind to me.
I don't know if this would help you not to take it personally when your grandmother is being mean - there might be a funny side to it somewhere..?
Yes. She's not mean to you because she's taking you for granted. She is mean because she hates getting old, her body hurts, and there you are. I would hug and kiss her as much as you can stand. Give her sympathetic words when she is mean. "Oh, aren't you feeling well? Do you need a cup of tea?" If she snaps back, then "I'll come back later when you're feeling better."
Don't "give in" to her, but be kind as you would be to a cranky overtired baby. Let me know if it works!
How serious were the complaints? If it was something like they didn't come visit long enough, I wouldn't pay any mind. But if it was something like they did come visit, but cleared out the bank account, I would listen and try to help. Let us know a little more and people may have some ideas on what to do.
Being a 24/7 caregiver is like being in a marriage. It's hard to live with people, even when you love them. Everyone needs an outlet to complain. I ask myself is there any justification to the complaint? If I acted badly I apologize, and fix the problem. If I didn't I let it roll off my back. Can you talk to your grandfather, and try to fix it?
How to handle the person who recieved the complaint , and now wants to tell you what to do, is so much easier. First listen to what may be invaluable advice. If it's just monday morning quarterbacking, thank them, and offer to drop your grandfather into their capable hands.
Thank you all for your helpful answers. Although I'm not a caregiver I do live with her,just me and her and its nice to be able to ask for help on here. I used to be very sweet with her, say good morning and give her a kiss and hug,call her my little lady. Also,check on her a lot. I stopped doing my "good morning" routine and "good night" routine(which by the way comes naturally for me to be affectionate with her,I'm like that but in different ways with people who are very close with me) because I know its being taken for granted by her, later on throughout the day she'll be grumpy and rude. I've told her in the past to let me know when she's cranky so I can stay out of her way but she never tells me, I just get a regular dose of meanness most of time from her. She's not ill,she's a very strong woman in her 70's.
My MIL was the same way today, complaining about everyone and everything, in a real manic phase. I told my husband "I think she's mad that it's 2014 and she is still alive."
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Eventually those filters start to fail. Elders may sometimes say what they think without smoothing out the rough edges first. If there is any dementia present the filters may be completely gone.
You love your grandmother. It is good to talk to her. You can learn from her and build memories and strengthen your relationship. Perhaps the price for this is that you occasionally get some unfiltered rudeness from her. You can remove yourself when this happens. "Grandmother, I see that you are upset. I'll come back later when you are feeling calmer." Or you could try kidding her about it, "If my voice gives you headaches when I disagree with you, then it is a good thing that most of time we agree, isn't it?"
I suspect that GM's rudeness reflects her loss of social filters and not a loss of love for you. Try to be understanding. Some day you will be old.
Unsure, Jeanne is right - I'll bet your grandmother didn't mean to put you off calling her, or to hurt your feelings. She was probably just feeling generally tetchy and irritable, don't take it personally or carry the hurt forward. If she complains to you about other people, you could try what my daughter and I remind each other of as our little in-joke about her grandmother: "Nod and smile, dear, nod and smile."
And you really needn't apologise for consulting this forum. It's good to hear from you. Hope things settle back down again with your grandmother x
My family was never physical with each other. We don't say we love each other, we don't hug or kiss...so now when I help my mom bathe, I enjoy just touching and holding her getting in and out of the shower, setting her hair for her, etc. It's also the only physical touch I get too, since I'm single.
So maybe go back to trying those hugs and kisses and see if Grandma softens a bit. If not, you're still doing her a kindness that will "earn you a star in your crown" as my 94 year old mom is fond of saying. And come on here to share anytime.
I don't know if this would help you not to take it personally when your grandmother is being mean - there might be a funny side to it somewhere..?
Don't "give in" to her, but be kind as you would be to a cranky overtired baby. Let me know if it works!
How to handle the person who recieved the complaint , and now wants to tell you what to do, is so much easier. First listen to what may be invaluable advice. If it's just monday morning quarterbacking, thank them, and offer to drop your grandfather into their capable hands.
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