I have been a caregiver for my mother for the past 10 years. This has been a challenge since I am a widow and living on a single income. I have 2 other siblings and a few years ago sat them down and told them it was no longer just my responsibility and asked for their help. Neither wanted her to live with them so she is living with me but both agreed to provide $100/mo towards expenses. This in no way pays for her expenses but it was something. Now one sibling has just quit paying and says it isn't her responsibility. Can anyone suggest how I can get her to continue her part, are there any legal avenues, etc. I am at my wits end over this and of course it is disrupting the family as we are now divided over this. Help
I too am going through the same thing with my sibilings, I have asked for help, and been paying out of pocket for expenses for my Dad. I have 3 adult sibilings, who live less than a mile from our Dad, I live 30 miles away and have been residing with my Dad since he was released from the hospital August 22 of 2008. My sibilings don't even stop by to assist me with a thing, I have even asked for a couple nights off to spend sometime at home with my husband, but all I hear is we have plans, it has caused so much tension with my sibilings that if I do see them it becomes a shouting match. I wish I has some answers for you, but like me, I am at a lost for a solution. Hopefully someone on this website will give some insight to this. Good luck to you.
For breaks apply for respite grants. That way you can have time for yourself. Just don't fight over it.
Hold on to the good memories you have of your dad and mom. Let your heart rest knowing the good you have done. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your husband. Nurture it. Bask in it. Let that love heal your wounds and carry you into tomorrow. Your parents were blessed to have someone like you be there for them. Service like that helps you get fitted for angel wings. Can't say that about your siblings, though, can we?
TRACY
Carol
Blessings,
Carol
TRACY
TRACY
Emman
Emman
My suggestion is that if your loved one is a "dependent" individual meaning that he or she is unable to care for themselves, for example, a person with dementia or Alzeheimer's, you could contact your local Adult Protective Services. As far as I know, they are the only agency who has the legal authority to order the family to hire a respite worker or nurse. I suggest that you do your research because each APS office may have different requirements before they get involved.
Oh another suggestion might be that you ask your nearest Public Health Office for assistance. They may be the first step in getting other agencies involved.
As for me, since my brothers have gone out of their way to block any attempts for me to care for my mother without their "approval or more importantly their denial," it has made it 10 times harder to care for my ailing mother. I have had to contest his request for conversatorship, and now I have to pay an attorney for this lost attempt. Oh in addition to all of these problems, I am unemployed, have a number of chronic medical conditions. Now, I have mental health problems which my siblings have only contributed to worsen. Oh yes, the human services dept. may cut me off if they find that my condition is stable enough that I may be able to work. Since my siblings have conspired against me, I too am finding it difficult to care for my mother; Let alone try to care for myself.
Anyway...I hope my suggestions helps. We are in the same boat. Our morale support may be one of the things that may help us to keep "rowing our oars."
Happy Halloween All!, Leiko
In the end, though, the resentment will hurt you more than him, so if you can't eventually let it go, you may want to talk it through with a counselor. You don't want this to turn you into a bitter person, which will hurt you even more.
You will always carry the joy of having cared for your father when he needed you. Those are precious memories to hold on to. Congratulations for your courage and your hard work. Unlike your brother, you'll never regret how you handled his last months.
Carol
I just found this site, I have a similar problem. As I have been taking care of my mother in-law for over 2 years, she suffered a stroke in 04. Had been in a nursing home than back home with my father in-law, and was taken away from him (that's a whole nother story.) My husband has 3 siblings, one lives out of state, he does send money, and visits when he can. The oldest does help out a lot, but will cancel at the last minute, if she's not feeling up to it, well what about when I'm not feeling up to it? The other sister comes once a week, she claims, because she is a single mother, she doesn't have the time.
It becomes VERY FRUSTRATING, because if you say anything, they just get mad or become very defenses. It's a no win situation.
You are correct about the resentment issue, it really started to nag at me and I found myself starting to snap at him sometimes for no reason at all. I am not holding on to it the way I did before. Some siblings are just a bit stronger in some situations than others, I can respect that. As you stated, I am pleased that I was here to assist my dad the same way he assisted me throughout my years growing up. He wasn't alone and that was most important! Sure wish I knew about this site back then.
Thanks
My Dad had been recently diagnosed with early dementia when my mother suffered a stroke in 2004. My (out of town) sister stayed in Mom and Dad's home with Dad and took care of him while I stayed in the hospital with Mom 24/7 until she died ten days later. With blessings from my sister and me, our married brother took Dad in as a temporary solution immediately after the funeral. As the oldest sibling, I tried to remain involved in Dad's life and start the ball rolling to get us together to plan his future. To my surprise and dismay, what started as a temporary arrangement quickly became permanent without any discussion. My immediate family (husband, children) and I were uninformed and ignored when it was time to pick out mom's tombstone, and clean out and sell their home - the home I grew up in and the home my children had deep emotional attachments to.
I work from home and very much wanted and expected to be involved in Dad's life, especially his health care since wellness is my work and my passion. I could not be at appointments I didn't know about
Add to this the fact that, although my ex-family remains conveniently narcissistic and oblivious ten minutes down the road, my life has also gone on and changed drastically since Mom’s death. Two of our four adult children have emotional issues, partly as a result of the way we were all treated after Mom’s death. My husband’s MS has progressed to the point I am his full time (24/7) caregiver and advocate; he can’t get in or out of bed or use the toilet unassisted – if he makes it to the toilet. After 43 years with the company, at age 60, his job was just eliminated so now he is home full time and we have more decisions and adjustments to make. My arthritis hurts with every step to the point I can barely walk. It’s all I can do to take care of our home and my immediate family, but we would all welcome Dad into our home in a heartbeat, given the chance.
Yet they do not understand why I simply cannot go to their home and care for Dad according to their schedule, disregarding all else. My point is, please don’t be so quick to judge siblings who aren’t helping as you think they should. Perhaps you should take a look at what else is happening in their lives. Perhaps they need help too!
My Dad had been recently diagnosed with early dementia when my mother suffered a stroke in 2004. My (out of town) sister stayed in Mom and Dad’s home with Dad and took care of him while I stayed in the hospital with Mom 24/7 until she died ten days later. With blessings from my sister and me, our married brother took Dad in as a temporary solution immediately after the funeral. As the oldest sibling, I tried to remain involved in Dad's life and start the ball rolling to get us together to plan his future. To my surprise and dismay, what started as a temporary arrangement quickly became permanent without any discussion. My immediate family (husband, children) and I were uninformed and ignored when it was time to pick out mom's tombstone, and clean out and sell their home - the home I grew up in and the home my children had deep emotional attachments to.
I work from home and very much wanted and expected to be involved in Dad’s life, especially his health care since wellness is my work and my passion. I could not be at appointments I didn't know about; they refused to keep me informed. After a while I gave up the fight so as not to upset Dad. This is presented to Dad as lazy, selfish, and uncaring on my part. I love my dad dearly and would still love the opportunity to be involved in his life and care. I would love to care for him in our home, or even have a turn caring for him in our home. But now Dad is acclimated, comfortable, and happy where he is; I have no desire to confuse and upset him. I have no desire to be involved with my ex-family; today they are no more than a source of pain and tension for my husband, our children, and for me. Dad never was one to enjoy a phone conversation so now, contrary to my wishes, I have very limited contact with him.
Add to this the fact that, although my ex-family remains conveniently narcissistic and oblivious ten minutes down the road, my life has also gone on and changed drastically since Mom’s death. Two of our four adult children have emotional issues, partly as a result of the way we were all treated after Mom’s death. My husband’s MS has progressed to the point I am his full time (24/7) caregiver and advocate; he can’t get in or out of bed or use the toilet unassisted – if he makes it to the toilet. After 43 years with the company, at age 60, his job was just eliminated so now he is home full time and we have more decisions and adjustments to make. My arthritis hurts with every step to the point I can barely walk. It’s all I can do to take care of our home and my immediate family, but we would all welcome Dad into our home in a heartbeat, given the chance.
Yet they do not understand why I simply cannot go to their home and care for Dad according to their schedule, disregarding all else. My point is, please don’t be so quick to judge siblings who aren’t helping as you think they should. Perhaps you should take a look at what else is happening in their lives. Perhaps they need help too!
I knew exactly what my sibilings were doing, one would go up north every weekend, the other would go on short out of town trips to Chicago on shopping trips, the other one kicked back and watched movies and hung around his house. I on the other hand, have a husband who had a stroke almost one year ago and is a insulin dependent diabetic and he is disabled, I had just been laid off from my job before my Dad was ill, and I was the one who stepped up to the plate with my husbands blessing to stay with my Dad in his time of need. People are venting off steam in here, and they are very vulnerable at this time. My siblinigs have memories of Dad of when he was healthy, and I have the memories of all the pain he went through, don't get me wrong, I also have great memories but the ones where he was in pain will forever be burnt into me. Kim
Carol