How do I deal with siblings not providing support?

I'd just like to add to my post above

I'd just like to add to my post above, that my husband and I will always be willing to help my mother with time and money; we have no intention of abandoning her. Indeed my husband has always done more for my mother (and for my father, when he was alive) than for his own mother, simply because his mother had more family members living nearby who helped out.

I feel very strongly that there are various ways of helping an aging parent, not that the only way is to have them to live with you. I am not at all surprised to read on other threads in this forum and elsewhere that so many people bitterly regret taking on the care of an aging parent, having moved them into their home and now wishing they hadn't. Help takes many forms - I hope that those who've posted here get some help from the rest of their families and that no one comes to blows over it!

(Sorry for truncated post above. I don't think I've learnt yet how this board actually works.)

Listen, folks .... truth be told ... no one as an adult really WANTS their parents living with them. That's not the point --- hell, if we based our decision on whether we WANTED dad with us, we'd have never brought him here. We're happily married for 21 years, with two great teenage sons. We value our privacy and free time. And donating our TIME to care for dad is actually harder than paying money to have some facility do it. We don't need the hassle of extra work for our elderly parents, or listening to their unsolicited (and sometimes angry) advice, and their embarrassing comments in public. We don't need all the extra errands, and work, and encroachment on our time. But HE needs us. So, the decision, instead, was based on what was best for my dad -- in lieu of all the different kinds of help he needs at his age, and whether we could trust strangers to do it as we would. It can be hard on us, and annoying, and seem like it's never-ending.

We DON'T get help from my only sibling, and we've given up expecting him to even have dad on his radar.

But make no mistake --- it's no "walk in the park" commiting to the indefinite care of an elderly parent. But if they don't HAVE to be warehoused somewhere with strangers taking care of them, than that's better. Some people don't want to do this and would never consider it. But life on earth is short. And I'm sure we'll look back on dad's last years and be glad we spent them with him and helped keep him company and ensure his happiness.

Trust me when the end does come, the time spent and all the feelings we bottle up (anger, frustration, alone, exhausted, burned out, walking in the fog, mentally abused), it was worth the time I spent with my parents before they passed. We did have some great times together, and some difficult times, but in the end, I have something that the rest of the sibilings won't have, and that was the time I spent with my parents when they passed away. Life is to short like you said valecom, shorter than we think. My Mom passed when she was 62 (I was 44), and my Dad was 69 (I am 49 now). Keep you head high for you are not alone, and take advantge of this site, it is very informative. Good Luck. Kim

Dimsie, you are right that one size doesn't fit all. There are many families - and you read about them here - where taking the parent into the home is a bad idea from the beginning and doesn't work out at all. All care centers aren't bad.

You can help in many ways without having them live with you.

People who have jobs out side of the home (most of us) would be leaving the elder alone, if they don't hire help.

When it works, it's great. But if often doesn't make sense, or if people try it, they often regret it. So, moving parents into your home has to be carefully thought over. How much room is there? Can people have privacy? How about personalities?

A caregiver is still a caregiver, even if the person they are caring for is in a care center. I can't say strongly enough that the elder needs an advocate and to still be connected to family (barring abusive situations).

I had seven elders to contend with, and had all kinds of arrangements. But I saw each of them every day, whereever they were (not all seven were alive at the same time. This stretched over two decades).

Anyway, each situation is different. You put it well.
Carol

hello, this is my first time here and would like to share my problem and would appreciate any helpful advise i can get...i am 69, have allergies bad...have a desease that makes my legs hurt 24-7..this i was born with, but has got worse with age..also, nuerophy in my feet and ankles, for i am now diabetic...my mom is 92 and legally blind, has arthiritis all over her body and in pain most of the time...still will not ask for help..i re-located to n.c. from the coast to care for her 10 years ago..she cared for her parents for a total of 47 years and she became the owner of the home and land when they were gone..kept in her brothers name...my younger sisters tricked her into signing mortage papers, (there had never been a mortage on this land) telling her it was for 1500.00 to keep irs from putting my sister in jail...needless to say, the home is gone and has been since 1995..we r living in a small town outside of charlotte, in low income housing..it is bad here..we have to keep our door locked cannot get any maintaince done and i cannot get hold of a human voice when i call the housing authority..i get no help finnacially or other wise from any one...i need a break badly for my nerves r shot..we r not making it and bills r getting behind, and now mom has alhimezers and is accusing my of all sorts of things..i do not know what to do..can some one please help me?...rachel

Rachel, you need to get your mother (and probably yourself) on Medicaid, if you aren't already. Please call you county social services for a welfare check on you and your mom. They will get the wheels in motion.
Carol

Rachel, welcome, and I sure hope your local social service agency will be able to assist you and your Mom. The situation you describe would drive any caregiver to desperation. The sooner you contact them, the better, I would imagine. Also, some cities offer transporation for senior adults who are also disabled. If available in your city, it may be one way to leave your residence under someone else's watchful presence. Even though that may be small consolation, it may be better than you and your Mom going outside all alone in a dangerous neighborhood? I don't know, but am trying to think outside-of-the-box with you. Check out NC's Department of Health and Human Services web page as a starting point. URL is: http://www.dhhs.state.nc.us/ocs/, or call their care line: 919-855-4400. Be prepared for long call waits as often happens for government services, unfortunately. The care line number is reportedly staffed 24-hours.

I to have a problem with none supportive siblings. My mom became ill after the death of my oldest brother. I live close to her so it is easier for me to do things. I was off work for nearly two months caring for her between hospital visits and making the transition from recovery center to the Board and Care where she currently lives. I didn't complain about the loss of money. I have two living brothers, one is 150 miles away which might as well be 15000 miles away and one 1500 miles away in Texas. There is aways an excuse, I live so far away or I have my own health issues. Boo Hoo. I am so so tired of excuses. I have helped mom out financially when she needed medication, personals items and such. Didn't complain I worked two jobs to help her. Now she is out of money and her S/S is about $2500 short of her Board and Care expenses. I took on extra work to cover half of Nov. and of Dec. but as of Jan. she will be kicked out of the Board and Care with no where to go. I do care that they don't make an attempt to help with money for her living expenses knowing the situation. Both my Brothers make more than I do with less expenses and not a nickel. They say they wish they could help me, but don't. I told them that the help wasn't for me, it was for their mom. I told them I would not beg for help for mom and if they expected me to they can live their lives with one less brother. They need to man up and grow some eggs.

I am so glad I found this site. I have been absolutely despondent lately, but knowing other people are out there going thru similar situations helps relieve some of the anxiety. Reading everyones posts gives me hope. I am 45 and the youngest of four and my mom is 87. The oldest two of my mothers children (20 years older than I am) jumped ship 30 years ago when my father (their stepfather) died. Mom has always been a little off and very negative. Dad was a very calming, cheerful force. He also didn't put up with my moms attitude and protected me from her mood swings. Mom and I didn't get along well when I was young and when dad died it just got worse. Mom loves her son's but finds faults with her daughters. My full brother went to live with my mother 20 years ago when I kicked him out of my house because he wouldn't get a job. He was going to "take care of her". Well, he did a great job, and I am being very sarcastic when I say that. He would go into his room, read books, watch TV and sit countless hours playing sci-fi computer games. I went every summer for up to a month and hollidays to help with her and ended up cleaning the house the whole time it was so filthy. I then started bringing her with me for a month at a time. As the years progressed, I had children and they went with me. They cleaned and help care for her. My kids are young, 16, 14 and 11, and have more work ethic than my brother. My moms heath had started declining rapidly over the last 5 years. I spoke with her in april and she said she was just ready to give up. We went and brought her to our home. I took her to a new doctor and found out she has bladder cancer and a kidney is totally blocked off. I have home health coming 3 times a week, countless doctors appointments and we are now looking at chemo and radiation after surgery to remove the tumor from her bladder. I had to quit my job to stay with her 24/7. She is no longer able to walk and has to use a camode next to the bed. Her home is a complete mess and 350 miles away from me with my brother still living in it and not working. He hasn't worked the whole time he has lived with her. He refuses to get a job, says he is depressed. He has sole power of attourney for her along with medical power of attourney. ALL of her income goes to support HIM. I told him to get a job, his response was he wouldn't make enough to cover "my expenses". The gall!! I asked her to move her income here so it would relieve some of the burden and she won't do it because "what would your brother do". Then to add insult to injury had me reported for "stealing her money and neglect". The social worker and doctor saw right through that one and mom was put on antidepressents. Why wasn't he investigated? For heavens sake, he is 47 and a grown man. He has no ailments that would keep him from working. He has 2 college degrees (she paid for them both). She paid for nothing when it came to me, I had to work for it. I am so angry I don't even know how to express it. All I hear is how wonderful, gentle, kind and smart my brother is. All he did was mooch off her. I am angry at her for enabling him and demanding from me. I regret getting myself involved and feel guilty for feeling that way. If I send her back with him she will surely die. Morally I can't do it now anyway. The doctors, nurses, care period, is better here than there. Financially we are suffering, emotionally we are suffering. I just want out but don't see how. My husband and I have learned a powerful lesson though. We will never put our children thru this. I will never have them take care of me, I want to go to a home or die young (60's like my dad). My kids have lost all respect for my brother and his lack of ambition has motivated them to "not be like him". I can't have him here to help me with her so I can work, he does nothing but sleep, eat, computer and books. I've begged him to help by getting a job. I've begged him to get counseling so he can help himself. I have now hit the wall though. Somethings gotta give when it comes to him. I just don't know how to approach it. I'm tired of being angry at them both and tired of being tired. Thanks for letting me vent.

Hi every one, My name is hilda and I have a problem wiht my mother. My dad had a stroke, anirressim, and has alzhiemers. He was released from the hospital in august and has be going down hill since. My mom has depression and I believe dementia. I had them living in my home for three months and she decicded to leave.I asked her to leave him with me If she did not want to stay all the time. She is very difficult and aways thinks some one is taking her money.She cannot even take care of her self and does not take her meds the way the doctor prescribed. She has baracated her self and my dad in the house several times and refuses to give up any money for his needs. Between my das pension and his s.s. they bring in enough for me to hire help. Please help me figure this out. Hilda

Hi Max and Artdude and everyone who is suffering with so much stress because of their unselfish caregiving.My wish for the season is to release this anger that builds up from having cop-out siblings. I am lucky to have a supportive husband and I am proud of what I do for my mother.Perhaps the best solution is to focus attention on those elusive moments when we feel good.Pay no attention to those who are undeserving. Blessings for us all.

That's true, Suzime. Attitude can make a difference. It's hard not to be mad when no one helps out, but if we look for the precious moments only we will have, that helps us get through.

Carol

For all those who need a break contact the alzheimer's association and apply for a respite grant. As suggested the local dss office can help. Also contact the red cross they do have a grant for respite. Each state has programs you are going to have to ask for help. As your doctor for information. Contact the Natiional Caregiiving foundation. Ask for help. If someone wants to help let them. If it's only an hour or two. Contact local churchs to see what they may have. Contact your local Senior citizens center for information. I hope this helps. Your not alone please remember to care of yourself. There really is help out there you just have to keep looking and asking questions to find it. We can all help each other by passing on information that we find.

Hi to all, I can identify with each of you in some way. Mom and I have arguments sometimes but most of the time I take what she says with a grain of salt and keep myself busy doing something I like. I am glad my siblings don't have this worry. I have been taking care of my parents since I was a kid so should be used to it but sometimes I get thrown a sidewinder. You would think the proof is in the pudding but with mom it isn't she has a world of her own and hasn't even been diagnosed with dementia yet although I ;am sure she is in the first stages. I can't control what anyone else does or thinks so do what I know I can do and either vent or find something different to do to try to change the situation. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. I am happy that my siblings do not have to deal with this. I have become a very old woman in the last 2 1/2 years. Dad died 1 1/2 years ago. long story there to. They were not the best of parents one drank one had the ostrich syndrome I have been a very responsible older sister and provided for my family the best I could. I never had to steal but sometimes had to humble myself and beg call a grand parent something. We all have similar stories and it is such a shame because the Lord made us to love one another. At this time of year may you know the Lord loves you and keeps you. There is peace for us maybe not on this earth but there is peace. I am peaceful knowing I am doing what the Lord wants me to do actually asked for it, although don't know what I was thinking at the time, but when I can't handle it I just say Lord this ones for you and you know what it always works out one way or the other, we have to stop trying to control because we aren't in control the Lord is, he will guide you to do the right thing. Trust in Him Let Him into your life Go to Acts chapter 2 he will tell you exactly what to do. Its just as plain as the words on the page. Love to all neon

I am a widow age 65. When I should have been working the last 6 1/2 years I have been caring for ill/dying parents. I have had no income and no help from 4 siblings. They call or visit very infrequently. I have a sister who lives 6 miles away, dosesn't work, and visited 7 times in 2008. My two sisters are well-off and my brothers both work. None has ever offered to help or assist with expenses. Not once! My aunt told me before she passed away that my siblings should be paying me each month to help with the care that they aren't willing to help with. Is there any legal avenue to require them to pay their share?

Carol

Hi Carol,
I hear you!You've given up income and Social Security credits to take care of your parents. Now you have no income. You've also got siblings who have the means to contribute financially, but don't. That's tricky. I'm not aware of any means that they can be legally responsible to help pay, but you may want to see an elder attorney. There may be a way through court. If you go to the eldercare locator at www.eldercare.gov, and click on the down arrow, you'll see legal services. Click on that and see if there is some legal help for you.

Have you looked into getting paid, yourself? Some programs are evolving that help the caregiver get paid. They are not available everywhere, but you could try typing your state name in your browser. Find the main Web site for your state and then find aging services. You should find a phone number or email address. Also, your local Area Agency on Aging may help. You could also call your county Social Services and see if they know of a way you can get paid.

Take care, Carol. I hope you'll come back and post.

My sister and I have cared for my mother since my dad passed away 8 yrs ago. I have 2 brothers that did nothing for mom. My sister has lived with her for 5 years. My mom passed away 2 weeks ago and had no will. The brothers did not waste any time. They are ready to put my sister out and sell everything. My sister had a stoke 3 years ago that left her disabled in several ways, but she still looked after my mom 75% of the time. Some one out there help me deal with this in a level headed manner.

I hope you can get some help from an estate attorney. Since she didn't have a will, and you can prove that your sister and you did the caregiving, you may have a chance. Good luck with this. We all know what would be fair, but without a will, it's hard to tell what could be done. Anyway, an attorney is needed here.
Carol

well there is nothing to get in our case maybe a few knick knacks and mom really doesn't have anything I want so I don't care if they show up for her funeral when the time comes they can cart it all home with them. There is something to having nothing I guess and i don't have anything except the necessities and that's just fine with me, both my siblings have way more than I do but thats what they are into I am into making a difference in someones life. I wish you well with your finances. I am having a yard sale this week end to get rid of stuff I will never be able to use like a collection of porcelain dolls I've been collecting for 40 years I can never seem to get them out for taking someone in and giving the room until they can't live any longer and now that I'm this old I don't want to be bothered with it and don't want my son having to go thru stuff he won't have any use for either and I sure don't want him sitting there going poor mom she never did get to put her dolls out so I am at a point in my life if I use it I keep it if I don't it goes. because I know my mom will out live me

I'm going through the same thing with my siblins. One had the nerve to tell me that I'm just bitter and mad that I "bit off more than I can chew". But if it isn't our responsibility, as the children of the aging parents, then who's is it? I have four siblins, and I shouldn't be the only one taking care of our mother, but that's how it's been for the last eight years.

After working two full time jobs about killing myself with stress to make the additional $3700+ to pay for mom's Board ard Care. I asked my two older brothers who live in areas with a much lower cost of living to get me prices for B & C's. They won't even look because they think they may have to contribute or pay for her care. All I asked for was pricing. Maybe make it easier on the guy thats doing it all. I finally figured out it is more economical, for me to quit my job and care for her myself and work part time from home. I only need to make a fraction of that and enjoy my mom all the time instead of never seeing her because of work. I quit begging my brothers for monitary help because it just made me angry. Hitting a punching bag does make me feel better. (avoid hard walls they can hurt) My wife was hesitant at first, but the house is cleaner, meals are prepared and best of all my stress level has dropped a mile. Sorry to say (not really), screw the siblings, enjoy the time with your parents or loved ones and make the best of it.

I was in the same boat 5 years ago. My mom has since now passed. I used to fight with my sister who I used to resent for not visiting my mom as much as I did. I remember during the last few months of my mom, I asked my sister in advance to take a day of so we can host a nice 84th birthday party at the nursing home and she just ignored me. When mom passed 7 months later I had her casket closed bec I don't want to remember mom that way, my sister insisted she wants it open, I told her mom does not want you to see her lifeless she wanted to see you on her 84th birthday but you just didn't show up. That was the end of it. Taking care of my mom when she needed me gives me a sense of peace in my current life.

I too have siblings one sends cards and a few dollars to my mom but the other one is as usless as you know what fill in the sentence as you please. So I know longer ask them to call or anything actually the one that sends cards always has an excuse for my narcissistic mother and doesn't want to hear it. So guess what guys you got your wish I CAN handle it and when the time comes you won't be bothered on iota I will post on my space of her demise and thar's why I've been too busy to call or email as they are so busy they don't have time for their own mother narcissistic or not.

I took care of my mom for five years. Then we moved to North Dakota to be closer to my sister. First off my sister said she would have us in her home. Then she realized it was not totally handicapped accessible and the bathroom would have to be renovated. Then her kids told her they did not want Grandma there when they came to visit. My sister picked out a very nice two bedroom, two bath apartment, paid the security deposit and we moved in. It had no assisted living, of course I had a promise from my sister and her kids to come and help out, but that fell through when my sister had to have back surgery and the kids went off to college. My nephew tried to help us out as much as he could, but he was busy with his own life. I should have seen this coming, but we did need the assisted living and I needed more help than what the respite care program could provide. Mom starting falling in the apartment and finally the manager said she needed to go to the nursing home or assisted living. My sister intervened, saw how mom was controlling me and burrning me out, and arranged to have her go to the nursing home. I moved in with my sister, as I am on disability and limited income, and mom is upset about being in the nursing home. She gets upset with my sister and the kids for not coming to visit more often, not speaking up so she can hear them when they come to visit, my sister can't come very often because she is a doctor and works 60 hour weeks and is on call a lot. And I have to sit there and try to explain this all away to my mom. At first I was really sad and lonely without mom and wanted to fight it, but now I realized how burned out I was. Now I just wish mom would accept the help that she needs in the nursing home and stop this family fight that is going on so we can all get along together over the holidays.

http://www.cashandcounseling.org/

You might be able to get some money from your state's medicaid programs. Copy and paste the above link to see if your state participates in the Cash and Counseling program.

I know these comments were a long time ago but I am glad I found it. I was beginning to wonder that what my sister and male friend were saying about me. My sister nor brother does not help physically or financially with my mother. She does not call or come down. My sister went one year without seeing or calling my mother. My mom had a stroke in 2003 and my dad died in 2007 after a very short illness. We had words during this time and I lost my temper and told her she was selfish among other things. We have had a couple of blow ups since then and she now will not speak to my mother or me and refuses to answer anything to do with my mother. She does not visit my mother at Holidays. She will go months and not visit her. I have tried multiple times to patch things up with her to no avail. My sister recently had a set of twins and I called her and her male partner laid me out and told me to get on with my life and leave them alone. So I am. So, once again, I get to take care of everything while my siblings get to do there own thing. It infurinates me to no end!!!!!!!!!

HocusPocus I feel for you. Your sister used that as a pawn to get out of helping with expenses for your mom. My mom and sister had the kind of relationship that whatever my mom bought for my mom, mom would pay her back. Therefore when my sister makes purchases for my mom, I have to pay her back with my moms money.

I was never a great financier, for lack of other words, but since my mom got sick and I became POA of her finances I have shocked myself. I've told my mom several times that I don't know how she did it all these years and was able to save so much money but I've learned in these last 3 months that I too can do, and I've even learned how to save a little bit a month myself. There are so many resources out there for help and I've talked with so many county, state, and government agencies.

I too have had words with my brother-in-law and I won't even go into what we've argued about. He's one who likes to keep up a mess. I just call him "OLD GRANDFATHER CLOCK" cause he looks so old and I keep on going. hahahaha

my brother is 19 and has no motivation to work, go to school, or even wake up in the mornings. Me and my husband has talked our heads off about this to him and I even made him go get some kind of assistance for foos, but he thinks that is enough. He has a bad attitude and doesnt respect anything I say or asked him to do. I am at my witz end what do I do?

i have quit my job and donald (boyfriend) i moved to a different city moved in with my dad so that i can take of him, therefore i can't work.Because he demands all of my time.I agreed to take care of him because he's only 52 years old and i don't agree with putting him in a home. anyways i have 2 siblings who wont help my sister agreed to take my dad to all of his appointments and his finical stuff but yet when i phone her to ask if she will pitch in and help so i can work 1-2 times a week she flipped out and said that she will not help out she did not sign up for this and if i cant handle it than put dad in a home and while she gets mad when i phone her for anything .i'am 23 years old i to think i deserve a break but yet when i ask for one .... i'am the selfless one ... i don't understand donald does way more for my dad than my 2 siblings combined... all i get is 300 dollers a month from my sister i can't afford to do this i don't know what to do because i will not put my dad in a home .... does anyone have some answers