They have verbally attacked us four times in the past four months. Basically they r aging and not happy. Blaming all of their unhappiness on us. Last attack I was told I do nothing for them, mom is sick and dying because of me, my husband is a selfish spoiled bully and we have done a terrible job raising our two boys. Ironically my hubby and boys treat them like gold. How do I handle this???
I had one mean old lady that I couldn't take any longer. The first day on the job, she told me to go back home and come back later. The agency catered to this type of behavior. She made Satan's sister look like a Saint. I had been in the workforce for forty years and this was the first time I've ever cried on the job. She treated me like crap. I stayed with that case for six weeks until I couldn't take it any longer. I refused to even shop in that area for anything for two years! That's how traumatized I was. That's when I found agingcare.com
I also told her she was the lucky one. She got to leave.
"Sometimes, being a b***h, is all a woman has to hang onto". Your parents are old miserable, and the collective anger they share are all they have to hold onto. You/your husband/children are all they have left to hang onto and more importantly you are the primary target of that collective anger. Despite what you do, nothing can change the fact that they are old, miserable and angry.
Don't fight, don't engage and don't confront.
Your silence will destroy them. They are looking for "supply" just like an energy vampire seeks to drain your energy.
Just keep doing what you are doing and learn to "Gray Rock" them. They are baiting you so that you will fight and give them attention and an excuse to vent anger.
Would your parents have tolerated anger attacks and verbal abuse from you?
Would they have doubled their efforts to please and serve you because you've doubled-down on the acting up, the entitled attitude, the anger, and the verbal abuse?
I'm guessing they would not. I remember what I'd get if I acted up or mouthed off when I was a kid. I often remind my mother when she starts up like your parents. Then I tell her she's lucky that the only use I have for a belt is to hold my pants up.
You don't tolerate this behavior from your parents for one second. No one has to live with abuse in their lives even if the abusers have dementia.
When they start with the verbal abuse and the criticizing your husband and how you raise your kids, hang up on them. If you're visiting in person, end the visit.
Never reward abusive behavior with more attention and more efforts to please.
"Mom is in bad health so I dread this latest round will end up with her not surviving and I won’t be able to forgive myself" Mom is causing her own problems because she does notbhave you to manipulate and abuse.
I would ask the facility where they are to envaluate your parents for the Assisted Living. This way they will get more attention and a Nurse nearby. Mom may be ready for Hospice but I doubt she would except it. You can help without putting up with their stuff. First, be glad they don't live with you. Know that u can walk out when they get started. You may want to even go "gray rock". Look it up. You walk into their apt and ignore them. Do what needs to be done and walk out. Acting like they are not even there. Don't engage them. When they get started, say nothing. You can walk out, hang up, whatever.
You may want to make a speech the next time you are there and take DH. Tell them you can no longer put up with their abuse. You just no longer have the energy. If they want you to help them, then the verbal abuse has to stop. They utter one word and out the door you go. You will not be their punching bag anymore. You are not responsible for them getting old, not responsible for their health problems. You are willing to be there for them but on ur terms, not theirs. Boundaries, and those are yours not theirs. Look at it this way, they need you more than you need them. This is what they need to realize.
My Dad was a loveable curmudgeon and stubborn. He would not use a walker until a doctor visit I took him to. He just about made it to the doctors office. I told him I would not take him to the doctor again without a walker. He agreed to it. The next time I got a walker from work and we had no problems. When I got him home, he handed me the walker and said "you can take it back". For me that was a battle won and made me feel good.
And no the woman did not have dementia. She was sharp as a tack,
Sad to say I wish she died sooner, I might have liked her more than I did when she finally died.
She is now in care. She is often nasty when I visit, so I go once a month. Incidentally, when my cousins visit, it’s happy fun party time.
You may have to walk away. It was difficult for me to accept that I am my mother’s rage trigger. Being your parents does not give them a free pass to be nasty. Let them face the consequences of their actions. After all, if your mother is dying because of you, you shouldn’t hang around her, should you?
BTW, now that she’s lost most of her power over me, instead of complaining about how I made her grow old and ruined her life, she calls me fat and ugly. I just leave. Because I can.
Good for you taking back your power. I'm sorry you are your mother's rage trigger because I know how that is.
@the.holistic.psychologist
I feel like you needed to hear this quote, especially after reading you say, "Mom is in bad health so I dread this latest round will end up with her not surviving and I won’t be able to forgive myself." It's never wrong to ask someone to treat you right. When mom dies, there will be nothing to forgive yourself for, because you deserve respect after taking care of your parents and all their needs for a long time.
Set down some firm boundaries for yourself and stick to them like glue. When my mother got ugly with me and started ranting, I'd get up and leave. Or hang up the phone if we were talking, letting her know WHY. I did nothing to deserve being treated badly and I would not tolerate it. Neither should you. If my mother DARED utter a word against my husband or children, then she'd suffer MY wrath.
What you do for your parents is a privilege for them and you do it out of love. But you'll stop doing it if you're not treated with respect. And no guilt, it's your right as a human being. If they disagree, they can pay people to help them instead.
Good luck.
1) they are not happy because they are old .
2) “ Mom and Dad , I didn’t make you old , I cannot fix old “.
Walk out when they start with the verbal abuse . Tell them you’ll speak to them when they can be civil .
Stop doing for them . They need assisted living , not independent living .
I finally stood up to my mother the last 2 years of her life . When she died I was very angry at myself for not standing up to her sooner . I had already done most of the grieving of her decline and impending death .
You need to bring your mama Bear side out, that all us mothers have, and cut you and your family off from your parents.
They just have consequences for their bad behavior.
If they are not I think that you should tell them that you will no longer be assuming any of their care. To do so seems a bit masochistic to me.
I would leave, leaving them the emergency numbers and the contact for APS if they need to reach out for loving care.
There's no reason to put up with this, quite honestly.
This type of stress will effect your health.
Are they living with you and your family or are you living with them?
Is this your parents or your husbands parents?
Are they cognizant?
Do you have POA for health and or finances?
If they are cognizant you tell them that they must treat you with respect, any violence, verbal, emotional, physical abuse will not be tolerated. If they continue you will cease any help.
If there is any abuse you leave the room, you hang up the phone.
If they are living independently you STOP helping them.
If they are not cognizant you begin looking for a place that will meet their care needs. If necessary begin the process of Medicaid application.
If they are living with you and they are cognizant you tell them that they have to look for other housing. (If this is your husbands parents then HE has to tell them. If he wants them to remain in the house you have 2 options...YOU stop the care that you are providing and HE has to pick up the slack or you decide if you want to remain in this situation.)
They can hire caregivers to do what you have been doing if necessary.