Dealing with step-siblings and aging parents. Any advice?

Tellyour siblings your feelings and just prepare for what they may say. Stand your ground and do whats right for you in this situation.

I agree. You shouldn't have to pay step-fathers expenses. Any way to sit down with responsible parties and let them know you can't do it since you have more expenses now with your mom. I know you feel bad but it isn't your fault or responsibility to pick up the slack of one of his own children. You need to nip it in the bud from get go because if you start it, then it will be expected. Best of luck.

Sounds like they are bullying you --and greedy too.
1. how have their assets been divided so far? If you don't know, talk to them or their lawyer and see where you stand.
2. Why don't you be just like that one step-sibling and say, "I cant help pay."

I can only assume the reason your mom did not join her husband in Assisted Living is due to lack of funds?  I would explain that simple math to the four of his children. 

Are there assets for your mom and her husband to liquidate and split?  His half can go towards his assisted living bill and her half can go towards her medical bills. 

No, it is not your responsibility to pay for their fathers care any more than it would be their responsibility to pay for your mothers medical expenses.

So your stepfathers only source of income is his social security?  What income does your mother have?

Imho, YOU should not be using your financials to pay for your mother's health issue nor your step father's health issue. If your mother is of Medicare age eligibility, I suspect that she does not have Medicare Supplemental and if she does have Supplemental, I wonder what plan letter she may have as some cover in full.

There are 2 issues here, one is whether anyone should pay for a parent or step-parents, and the other is the bad feelings between you and your step-siblings about sharing costs.

My suggestion would be to do a rough calculation of the cost of your mother’s care, including her ‘huge medical bill’ and a commercial price on the ongoing care you are providing for her. Present it to your step-siblings, with the suggestion that you add the costs of both step-parents together and divide the lot by five. That will probably be the end of the second issue, and might even improve relationships.

Do your half siblings help pay for your mother's expenses. .If not then they bring the subject tell them you will help with their father if they in kind help with your mother.and take the total cost and divide evenly between all of you. Each of you pay equally. If not then you are not obligated to your step father.

Legally I don't think you are obligated in any way to pay for the facility. If money is gone, I am not sure what happens but perhaps Medicaid steps in but then she may have to go to a nursing home to get Medicaid. If one of the siblings can't pay, that is not your problem. You have your mother to care for - do not get involved otherwise.

If they are not helping with your mother's bills, I don't see why they are expecting you to pay for your step-father's bills. You may not be legally responsible for your mother's hospital bills unless you signed a form accepting responsibility. You don't have to do this. Hospitals will usually accept payment plans where you spread out the payment over months or even years. Talk to the hospital about your mother's financial situation, if needed, and work out a payment plan that is doable.

say you would be happy to contribute but as you are carrying the cost of your mum alone add up how much it costs to look after both parents and ask that be divided 4 ways.

You should not pay for step-Dad or even your Mom. Exhaust all funds, property sales, etc. 1st then apply for aid. Legally you are not responsible for any of their debts. If you pay for Mom - who will pay for you? If you are very rich its great - but for most of us just keeping Mom at home is enough. ( See how much help they will give you towards her needs - Dr's visits, shopping, etc. etc. - and eventually caregiving needs) You are already doing more than they are - none of them took their Dad into their home.

Just say I am doing all I can. and repeat as necessary.

You shouldn't since you are now assuming full responsibility for your mother. However, you COULD ask them to help you with those same costs for your mom and they will suddenly see your point. Perhaps?

Your Step Fathers expenses will have to be paid by his own Children and it's their choice rather to put him in to a Senior Home or not. He could live with one of them and get his Social to help.

Let them know that you are taking care of your mom and they are not contributing any money or help and you can't afford giving them money for their Dad.

They are 4 of them and one of you.

So, they're the Selfish ones.

You are not responsible for anyone's medical expenses except your own! Your mother can either work out a payment plan with the hospital using what she can afford out of her own income or file bankruptcy if she can't come to a reasonable plan with the hospital. You shouldn't be paying for someone else's assisted living either unless all of you can comfortably afford it. Your siblings need to find other options for your step father instead of an expensive assisted living facility and start to plan to transition him to long term care and Medicaid approval.

My answer would be sure. Tell you what, I will pay when you start paying your fair share of the costs for looking after mom.

There is nothing to be torn about. You are pulling your weight and there is only so much you can pull.

Your parents need to use THEIR assets first and then apply for government assistance. You haven’t said if there was a home involved, or savings, IRA, etc. Who is the POA? Why do they want the children to pay and not use assets? Your mothers hospital bill is hers to pay. You might want to consult an elder care attorney on your mothers behalf.

You’re so right !!! You’re taking care of your mother in your home ... that’s
so generous ... your stepfather has children ... it’s their responsibility!!!

I can't add to the previous posters' answers. I agree with them; Consult a lawyer.

I respect your willingness to help your mom financially, but her bills are not for you to pay. She's already in your home.

I took my Mom in 18 months ago after her stroke. Already feels like 10 years. I love my mom. It is draining. I made the mistake the first year of us supplementing her expenses while she serviced her credit card debt. Mom gave us a set monthly reimbursement/rent/living expense fee that I'd planned to save most of for her so we could pay for big ticket items or take her to the beach (her favorite place to be). But that savings hasn't accumulated. In addition, our personal finances became tight. When I did an annual accounting last January, it showed we were almost $6k in the hole for her expenses. We don't have it. Plus me paying for her expenses thru my name and her reimbursements I'm told will look like gifts to us when or if it ever comes to applying for Medicaid. So, it not only hurts us; it hurts her. I've since changed how we handle things. Please consult an attorney on what's best for you and your Mom and advise your step siblings to do the same - they can split THAT bill.

Regarding your Mom's hospital bill, I would file an appeal with the insurance company. I've had to do this multiple times and won. Seems like insurance denies everything off the bat. Appeal and keep pushing. Talk with the hospital patient advocate for the correct buzz words to use. Document the process with the insurance company. Many times, the hospital will handle the first appeal, but you are your Mom's strongest advocate and a stern call from you will aide the process. However, Mom's insurance may require the patient to file the appeal. You don't need an attorney for that process. You need knowledge of how the process works and the ability to persevere and give 'em hell about it!

Before paying any money, please consult a lawyer that deals with elder law or family law. Children should not be responsible for parents' financial obligations. The payments should come out of the parents; resources. A lawyer can help you with dealing with a bill larger than your parent can pay.

What you need to do is see a lawyer well versed in Medicaid. Now that SD is in an AL and Mom with you, you need to have their assets split. His going for his care in the AL. When that is depleted then he goes on Medicaid for his care and if AL won't except Medicaid he he's placed in LTC.

Did this man raise you? Or did Mom marry after you were adults. If as an adult, I feel ur responsible for your Mom and his children for their father. If he and Mom do not have enough savings to pay the cost of an AL, then he needs to be placed in a NH.

No, you are not responsible to pay for SDs AL. There are other options. You have Mom. And her bill, as said, is not ur responsibility. Between Medicare and her suppliment, most of the bill should be paid. If there is a large deductible, a payment plan can be worked out. You need to wait, though, to see what gets paid, the supplimental statement will show the final balance. Some hospitals have a charity thing that may pay the balance if Mom can't. Do not pay this bill out of your own pocket.

But I do feel that you need to see a lawyer to protect Mom.

Mother's medical bill from surgery is HER bill, not yours.

Dad's bills from LTC are HIS bills, not yours or his childrens'.

Start looking into what assistnace your mother qualifies for (start with the Patient Advocate office at her hospital) and pass this advice on to stepsisters and brothers.

Don’t pay them. Tell them that you will not be contributing. No explanation is necessary. No apology is needed. They will figure it out.

Ask how much they plan on contributing to the care of their step mother.

I always advise against children supporting their parents care in facility. It should be the assets of the parents as long as they last, then the support of state and federal government programs. What in the world happens to these already aging "kids" when they need cash for their own care in the future. It is very unwise. I would not do this under any circumstances. It would be one of those moments when I would say "No, I couldn't possibly do that". End of statement.