When my mother died at 98, she was still in her right mind. She had lived by herself and even drove until 95. I am retired and lived 500 miles away. Since my sister was still working, I took my mother to live with me the last 3 years of her life. I helped her dress and bathe; I emptied the bedside potty chair; I took her to her appointments, etc, etc, etc. You as caregivers understand the lifestyle changes. I willingly gave up my life in order to help her through her final years. But right now, I am unable to grieve because of anger---no that word is insufficient to describe my feelings…. rage is more accurate.
At her death I discovered that two years before she came to live with me, she changed her will. She left my sister the house, a trailer, the property, and half of her money. My sister told me after the funeral that she was aware of the will change and that she and my mother chose not to tell me. At times my mother and I had conversations where she told me that she didn’t need to worry about me because I was capable, dependable, and responsible.
The fact that the larger share of the estate went to my sister doesn’t overly concern me because since I am capable, dependable, and responsible, I am financially secure. My difficulty is that my mother did not tell me; even though she was living in my home and I was her only caregiver, she let me continue to believe that her estate was divided equally. I feel betrayed by the woman to whom I devoted the past three years. This I see as a lie of omission; I am hurt that my mother would deal with me as such----don’t I deserve to know why I was treated that way----with no explanation and now, at her death, no chance to understand why she chose not to tell me?
It also hurts that my sister had cleaned out my mother’s lock box and after the funeral surprised me the secret will. I talked to my mother’s lawyer and was told, “Yes, this was her last will,” and that he had written it for her.
Am I over reacting? How can I let go of the perceived unfairness---not in the property division but in the secretiveness ---the ‘ganging up’ of my mother and sister to deceive me? My mother believed in family, and at her death she killed her remaining family. I refuse to argue with or express my rage to my sister because nothing I say will change what has happened. My plan is to silently withdraw…I guess the proper term for it is passive aggressiveness. If my sister calls, I will talk decently to her, but because of what I call treachery, I will make no effort to continue or support a relationship with her. Thus, over the years, our lives will become separate.
It seems that many parents try to keep helping the child who has been a screw-up their whole lives, much to the detriment to the child who has been successful and responsible. It's. Not. Fair.
I would feel exactly as you do, but I'd also be grateful that I have the ability to take care of myself, which it sounds like your sister lacks. You'll always be better off than she will, even without half of the estate. If she's not a good person, I'd feel no compunction to keep her in my life. You might consider some counseling, just so your anger doesn't get in the way of your own happiness and/or relationship with your sister, if it would be helpful to you. Hugs...
Is your sister manipulative? I bet she is, but it doesn't matter. Unless some divine intervention happens (it can) your sister will not change. The damage is done, if you are a person of faith try praying for her. SHE NEEDS IT This will help YOU.
Please get with someone to help you with your justified anger.
You honored your mother, it is the RIGHT thing for YOU. Fortunately, TIME is a friend here.
Do NOT let this sister spoil any of your GOODNESS as it hurts only YOU.
I also wish you peace and understanding for your mother. I believe in TIME you will have healing.
I would not cut her out, if your relationship has other depth to it.
I am so sorry for you I wish I could win the lotto and give you enough to smear all over your sisters face! she knew and don't ever underestimate what family will do or say to get more inheritance if your sister had any morals she would give you your share. This is the worst ive heard yet im so angry for you and yes its the sneaky way they did it your mother should have discussed this with you. gosh sometimes I think parents go out of their way to cause S*** when they die. Try and let the anger go it will eat you up ask your sister if she knew? also does she think its fair? what if she was the main carer?
My sister does NOTHING to help care for mum but when shes home she buys her everything meals out etc... she is playing my mum at her game and sucking up to her by money shes clever she knows mums life has always been about money and the more my sis spends on her she thinks mum will give her a bigger share of the house?? maybe she will? all the tea in china would not make up for the caring we do!
on the subject of being decieved by the elder, my ex right now is trying to convince jake that she has a 100k life policy with him as beneficiary. i do not believe that. ex's older son is mommys yes man . ex has had a couple of mild strokes and anticipating needing jakes caregiver help. i think shes conning him because in his gruff way he is the caregiver type , his brother altho moms favorite imo would make a laughable elder carer.
so yea i see parents having to consider each personality when they are forced to divide property. and the screwup that every family has is likely to be set up in the most failsafe way possible so hopefully they wont screw it up.
I believe in the afterlife and God judging each newly deceased person. My first husband's mother was a rich widow for many years and after our split told me she did not want me around (and that included bringing only grandchild, my beautiful daughter, to visit). Nasty 1st mother in law did not have a will but a "Trust" and supposedly stipulated that our daughter (and her only grandchild) would NEVER be permitted to inherit any of the monies. I am seething over this. My grown daughter does not know of this financial "rejection" by her paternal grandmother (now deceased 6 years). I believe in a God who values kindness and charity when He judges a newly deceased person's soul: Can you imagine how God must have "assessed" this toxic grandmother? My daughter (her granddaughter) is innocent and NEVER hurt this woman!
A child is a precious gift! I lost two unborn babies to miscarriage and have two adult children. I am looking forward to being a grandmother in my own elder years and showing unconditional love. Death is inevitable. We cannot control out goods, property, money and other tangible assets from the grave after we depart this world. We have stewardship over our material things, and we have stewardship over showing love to our children (and grandkids). What assessment of charity did God the Supreme Being find in this emotionally bankrupt grandmother in her stubborn decision to cast her only grandaughter aside financially? Her honor roll, achieving, kept her virginity, refuted drug abuse, worked part time prep school grad grandaughter? What did God say? I wonder????????
We are asked by God (not organized religion so much) to open our hearts and demonstrate unconditional love with charity to our spouse, our child, out grown child, our grandchild, our neighbor. God does not want us, the imperfect human, playing His role. He asks us to love.
Someday I will be a grandmother and I will love my grandchild with kindness, shared experiences (not just material gifts). Grandchild(ren) will have a term life insurance beneficiary from a fraternal society, just like my grandparents did for me.
My mother is a healthy 83 year old who decided (along with my now deceased father) that I wasn't to be trusted. No real reason for that.They put my brother on all their POAs, executor of the will, on her checking accounts, everything. I am not to know anything. But over time I realized the true reason they did what they did was to enrich my brother. My dad was jealous of my husband and his success in life. Dad wanted to enrich his son. Dad never gave me 2 seconds thought. And, yes, it made me very angry.
Take another look at your mother and sister. Ask yourself if there is a dysfunction of some sort there. Maybe, like me, you could have seen this coming. I know I see it coming and my golden brother will take care of my mother like it or not.
I want to tell you as someone who has been there, don't let this ruin your life. And unless your sister steps forward and shares her inheritance with you, no, I would not trust her ever again.
I read your comments, and I just go soooo angry! Your sister is a backstabber. She's selfish and greedy. If she truly have any sisterly love for you, she would have said, "Margieanne, although mom left me the bulk of her stuff, I want to split it because you did the hard work of caring for her." Actions Speak Louder than Words. It's not really about the money. It's the Betrayal - from Family and not from strangers. That just hurts so deeply. I'm sooooo sorry!!! {{{HUGS}}}
You have every right to feel outraged. The arrangement your mother made for the distribution of her property was reasoned out, and you're satisfied that her will was properly drawn up. No problem. The inescapable inference that she was not confident that you would understand or agree with her reasoning; the fact that she did discuss this freely with your sister, who also - no doubt with some sense of righteousness about keeping your mother's confidence - saw fit to leave you out of the loop; I can only imagine how insulted you feel. Their actions, from which you justifiably infer their attitudes to you, constitute an outrage. Bloody hell.
Now what? What do you do when you have been treated and characterised so bloody unfairly? What CAN you do? What will abbreviate and minimise the hurt?
1. Take your time. How long is it since your mother passed away? Don't forget that this outrage blind-sided you at the very moment when you are dealing with normal grief. Give yourself extra time to get your balance back, on top of time for mourning.
2. Remember that your mother's and sister's assessment of you *on this particular point* is DEAD WRONG. But people do get things wrong, don't they? We are all faulty. We all misjudge situations and other people from time to time. They got this really, really wrong and have treated you extremely badly as a consequence. If you could only put them in a room and explain, I expect they would be extremely sorry. But you can't; and even as it is, it doesn't have to poison everything. Don't let it.
3. When you are good and ready, and not before, face up to what has happened and take it on the chin. Acknowledge the injustice to yourself. Set it aside. Carry on regardless. You won't be able to do this for a while, and you are entitled to feel very sore in the meantime. But in the end, to be true to yourself, you should continue your relationship with your sister as you would have done HAD you been properly consulted at the time when your mother decided her will: accepting your mother's reasoning and her decisions, accepting the implied compliment - and it is a compliment - to your character and your achievements, and accepting her trust that your care for her in her last years was rooted in love and entirely separated from material considerations.
This is, of course, a counsel of perfection. You don't have to accomplish it perfectly, you are entitled to have lapses and setbacks. But I do believe that that is the course that will give you the best outcome. I'm so sorry for the hurt you've suffered in addition to the loss of your mother.
One other person mentioned that parents often have the responsible child take care of them and give more of their assets to the irresponsible one. As they age and their common sense starts to go, I have to think they believe it's fair in some way. Somehow, they rationalize that the responsible one is taken care of so that they need nothing else. Somehow, maybe they think they're righting the world's wrongs -- maybe that the responsible one was born "more capable" or something? Maybe the parent secretly feels guilt that they didn't bring the irresponsible one up properly and that that's why that child can't or won't function responsibility and that the parent should make up for it.
I'm not a psychologist -- just pondering all this out loud since there's a little of this in my family, too. But here are the main points:
1. It's unfair and you have a right to feel hurt.
2. Whatever your Mom's motive, while she did deceive you, it's hard to know exactly what she was thinking. Was she manipulating you into taking care of her, trying to spare your feelings, trying to keep you and your sister from getting into a huge argument? It's hard to know.
3. Your sister knew about this and I suspect did nothing to make a case that it was unfair to you. She says that both she and Mom decided not to tell you, not that Mom made her promise not to tell you. It sounds like they did this, together.
So, what I would ask you when you say you have strained conversations with your sister is this:
What do you get out of talking to your sister? Is there some point to talking to her? What is your contact about? Is it necessary?
What I'm trying to ask is whether you feel you'd miss her if she was out of your life? Do you speak with her because you feel sorry for her or some guilt about not having more contact? If you don't enjoy the calls, don't feel like you should bother with them, don't have a purpose in them, I don't know why you'd bother having any contact. Maybe I'm one that holds a grudge too long but, to me, that's just a way to extend the pain of the betrayal.
I understand that it is impossible for most of us, ordinary mortals, not to anticipate with some relish the downfall and humiliation of those we have some reason to resent; on occasion I indulge in these pleasant daydreams myself, I admit; but I do not get the impression that they would give Margieanne much satisfaction. I think more highly of her than that.
I would like to know if the sister has been irresponsible or reckless with her money. Or is she just an unlucky individual who needed help. Either way, they should have been more honest with Margieanne. No one likes secrets, especially when those secrets are about themselves.
I suspect she knew well that it wasn't "fair" but wanted to take care of both of you and make sure your sister had what she perceived she needed.
It is a shame that she couldn't tell you that before hand, but suspected you would react that your sister "should grow up, take responsibility, will squander it" yada yada. And you know you would....I know I would! She and dad probably propped sister up many times in her life and this was the final blow.
I think you will just have to make the decision to let it go, be satisfied that "you know you were wronged and betrayed" and move on. There are many of us that have had similar played out. I say to myself, moms estate is hers to divide up or give away anyway she wants.
I would be angry with sis, not cause she got favored but because she didn't tell you and knowing you were hurt wouldn't say "I know what mom did wasn't fair--do you want part of mine so we can make it equal" and then you could say, "no, it's okay, you need X more than me". Now mom has created a chasm between you and sis that will always carry the hurt.
Let go and don't let this spoil your future. Cry, grieve it, write sis a long letter journaling your feelings of betrayal. Let her make the next move.
Legacies aren't necessarily supposed to right all wrongs or level all playing fields. I think, in Margieanne's case, it's just such a damnable, stupid, unjust shame her mother didn't take her into her confidence.