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Me again...the sh#*t show continues. 3 years ago, my 92 year old mother moved into her beautiful independent apartment in a brand new senior community with continuum of care. She wanted a new bed and mattress so my husband and I took her shopping. She insisted on the firmest adjustable frame mattress even though she has head to toe arthritis ...Salesperson and my hubby and I tried to tell her that would be too painful for her to sleep on and she threw a fit in the store. 3600.00 special order...with 90days to return if it didnt suit her. I called her every week to ask how it was, and said fine.And guess what....of course, At 3 1/2 months she no longer wanted it because now it hurt her! Could not get anyone to accept it ....so took her to another local mattress store ..she laid on softer mattress which she said was perfect..another 1000.00 . Again , 90 days to return. The delivery guys for the new mattress got a 3600.00 tip. We tried advertising it and no takers . Not a peep until 6 months ago. She insists that she is sleeping on the same mattress she and my late dad slept on from my childhood home. I am 68 and it is a full size...barely big enough for her, not a married couple! There is no reasoning with her. She is continually badgering me for a new one, and does not believe that she has spent 4600.00 in the past 3 years..even when showed the receipts. She blames the mattress for her arthritis pain..refuses to do simple stretching movements and muscle relaxer that Dr prescribed. I feel like Im living the nightmare version of Princess and the Pea..
She just had her check up..Dr states early age related dementia but all her labs are normal and she still does her checkbook, simple meals , laundry, personal hygiene, etc..so not ready for Assisted Living at this point. It is her money, but she is paying a lot for her apartment, and will need Assisted Living in the next year, and will run out of mobey in about one and a half years at that point. Still competent, but Im losing my mind with her constant tantrums and nastiness when she hears the word no. Need ideas..The methods I used on my toddlers, which is how she is acting, are not working!

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I doubt your mom's competency. Is she really doing her checkbook but still does not believe that she has spent $4600.00 on mattresses?
Anyway...
buy a mattress topper. They come in soft to firm.
(why did you not take the mattress if it is newer than the one you have currently? Or for a spare room?)
I would begin to curtail shopping with her.
Might want to review the "rules" of the community and see what happens when money is low to gone. Will they accept Medicaid if she needs skilled nursing?
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tygrlly1 Jul 2022
She refuses to believe anthing that will stand in the way of her getting what she wants. She likes to brag to her other lady friends there when she gets something new. Shes 92, going on 5.As far as taking her old mattress, we need to downsize ...my husband and I both have significant health issues and need to move to a one level dwelling so will have no room tontake it. I am 68 and he is 71 and we both were in ICU several years ago...she doesnt care as long as she gets her way.
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Purchase a 3" Memory Foam mattress pad for whichever mattress will work.
I got mine from Costco.

When a neighbor with Parkinson's went through this stage of changing mattresses every month, he could afford it.

So, maybe stop asking how the mattress feels.
No one wants a used mattress, not the least of reasons, it is against Health Department regulations to sell a used mattress.

Try pain medications at night.
Try pillows.
Ice packs if she will tolerate them.
Make the sheets and covers very soft and lightweight.
Try feather beds on top of the mattress.
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Try 20 mattresses....
Once upon a time there was a prince who wanted to find a princess, but she would have to be a real princess. So he traveled all around the world to find one, but there was always something wrong. There were princesses enough, but he could never be sure that they were real ones. There was always something about them that was not quite right. So he came home again and was sad, for he so much wanted to have a real princess.
One evening there was a terrible storm. It thundered and lightninged! The rain poured down! It was horrible! Then there was a knock at the city gate, and the old king went out to open it.
A princess was standing outside. But my goodness, how she looked from the rain and the weather! Water ran down from her hair and her clothes. It ran into the toes of her shoes and out at the heels. And yet she said that she was a real princess.
"Well, we shall soon find that out," thought the old queen. But she said nothing, went into the bedroom, took off all the bedding and laid a pea on the bottom of the bed. Then she took twenty mattresses and laid them on the pea, and then twenty featherbeds of eiderdown on top of the mattresses.
That was where the princess was to sleep for the night. In the morning she was asked how she had slept.
"Oh, horribly!" she said. "I hardly closed my eyes all night. Goodness knows what there was in the bed! I was lying on something hard, so that I am black and blue all over my body. It is horrible!"
Now they could see that she was a real princess, because she had felt the pea right through the twenty mattresses and the twenty featherbeds. Nobody but a real princess could be that sensitive.
So the prince took her for his wife, because now he knew that he had a real princess. And the pea was put in the art gallery where it can still be seen, unless someone has taken it.
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Would you please stop entertaining your mother's behavior. No more mattresses that's it if she doesnt like it too bad.

You can stop her games anytime by refusing to play. It's time mom was ignored and left to her own devices. Let the chips fall where they may with that.

At this rate the stress will kill you and she will still be alive. You and hubby are too old yourselves to put up with this nonsense.
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In reflecting back on my own father who was a very independent man his entire life, at 83 when he became ill, he was determined to stay the course and it was hard for him to admit he needed help from the family but outside help as well. To lose one's sense of being independent can be frightening as if they're losing themselves in the process. So yes, we experienced from time to time exactly what you're going through and it's not easy and can take an emotional toll. I sought a therapist for myself to keep myself sane! There's a condition known as "Sundowners" and it does occur when the sun starts to set and for some especially with dementia causes a distinct personality change. They can become restless, argumentative, and confused! Is your MIL as you described like this all day, or have you noticed more problems in the early evening? Please take good care of yourself and not good caught up in the crazy times, something I know is easier said than done!
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tygrlly1 Aug 2022
I totally understand what you’re saying but she has been horrible to me my brother my dad and my dads family all her life. She doesn’t get a pass because she’s aging . Most of my friends parents and my grandparents were gracious and appreciative until the end. I have no more compassion left. She has chosen what will be eventually a very lonely and difficult end to her life. I’m referring her to the County Adult Protective Services before I need them for myself
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Mean people become mean old people. She is using you and will do so as long as you give your permission. Kudos to you for putting yourself and your husband first. Have a great getaway! I can tell your burden has already lifted just knowing you're soon out of this rut.
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tygrlly1 Aug 2022
Thank you..not soon enough! There comes a point on this journey when the elderly needing care remains entrenched in their fantasy world of being "independent" ....and that reality begins to destroy the quality of life and independence of the caregiver.
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Just want to say, in my State anyway, selling a used bed is not allowed because its a health thing. I would never buy a mattress or any upholstered furniture from anyone. I worked for a bedding manufacture and any mattresses we took back because we replaced under warranty had to be burned.
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Ditto to Sendhelp's suggestion of a foam topper -- but make sure to put a waterproof cover on it, in the event she becomes incontinent at some point.

Your methods used for toddlers won't work because she's not a small child with a brain that is learning and growing. She's an adult in aging decline who has a broken brain and is losing the functions of reason and logic. I highly recommend you learn about dementia by watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. You'll get insights on how to better engage with people with dementia so that interacts can be more peaceful and productive. That's what I did and it was totally helpful.
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tygrlly1 Aug 2022
I took 3 pages of gel
toppers for her to look at and she
ripped them up . The furniture store sent copies of the 2 new mattresses she bought since 2017 and she
accused me of being in cahoots with the furniture store to falsify them .She argues that I don’t do my grocery shopping when I do hers. Clearly she is near point of Health Care POA being activated but Dr feels she is still competent. She throws me out of her Apt and hangs up on me. I’m looking into private pay caregivers that can do her shopping instead of being her free punching bag. At end of my rope and
at the point where I don’t even want to check in on her . My health
is rapidly declining from all the stress and I have no feelings of empathy or love toward her anymore. Just hatred of the bitter wretch she is. Had been that way all her life and she also abused my wonderful handicapped dad into the ground.
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Your mother doesn't 'need' any sickness or ailment or dementia to be 'ready' for Assisted Living. She just needs to be tired of living alone and/or cooking/cleaning and ready to have others waiting on her and ready to assist her if and when she needs it. She needs to want to have entertainment available to her, music, movies, side trips, shopping, meals served in the dining room, and about 50 other services available to her if she'd like to take advantage of. And a doctor who comes to the AL to see her at least once a week, run tests, do blood work, etc. I don't know where the idea comes from that an elder has to be deathly sick or riddled with dementia to be 'ready' for AL, because in reality, by then it's too late for AL and it's time for Skilled Nursing or Memory Care if the dementia is advanced. AL is for functional seniors who want day camp and others to schmooze with and complain about things in general.

As far as the mattresses go, my mother was similar to yours. I bought her a new mattress and adjustable base which she hated. Which was unfortunate because that was the bed and mattress she was going to have, period. She could complain to whomever she wanted to complain to (in her Memory Care AL), and that was fine, plus she could complain to me and ask DH every week what he thought of her 'new bed'? And we'd tell her the same thing every time: that her new bed was lovely and just exactly what she needed. She would disagree, and then we'd change the subject. The bed was hers, and that was that.

She did the same thing with clothing, small appliances, decor items, furniture, you name it, she'd buy it and then insist it had to be returned. Even Oil of Olay face cream! She'd call the company directly & lie & say there was something 'wrong' with the jar, and they'd send her a coupon for a free jar! My father coddled her for decades, and would drive her back & forth to stores to return all the merchandise she'd buy and wind up hating, but once he stopped driving and they moved to my state, all that stopped on a dime b/c I refused to entertain her with it.

One time, when she lived in AL, she returned a pair of shoes I'd broken my back to buy for her, behind my back and unbeknownst to me. She had asked the bus driver at the ALF to drive her over to the shoe store so she could return the shoes, and he said okay. I wound up calling the shoe store a few weeks later to ask about a pair of shoes, and the owner told me she'd returned the pair I'd bought her. I nearly burst a blood vessel in my forehead when I heard that! I told him I was driving over to buy them AGAIN and to please mark NO RETURNS on the receipt, which he did. I showed up at mom's apartment with the shoes in tow and boy howdy, she was quite surprised to see me with the box in my hands. That was the last time she returned the shoes she was REQUIRED to wear to help her maintain her horrible balance issues. Sigh.

So I'm with sp on this. No mattress returns. No mattress toppers. Nothing. That's it. You can buy the woman a solid 24 karat gold mattress and she will find a problem with it, 100% guaranteed. That is what these women do: they find fault with what they purchase for entertainment purposes AND to drive us crazy. Those days are over now. Because we're no longer playing those games. It takes two to tango and if you're not playing, mother's dancing alone.

The bed she has is perfectly fine. And if she doesn't like it, she can sleep on the sofa. After a few nights of doing that, she'll find the mattress to be absolutely DIVINE.

And, FWIW, your mother is not 'competent', she's got dementia which only gets worse and worse as time goes by. The tantrums and nastiness only get worse and you'll see that as your need for medication increases! "Competent" is a definition that changes according to how you look at things. Start looking at this as your mother needs more help than you realize, and YOU need a break from all of her histrionics. It's time for AL!

Good luck!
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tygrlly1 Aug 2022
Thank you. Wow someone else is living my nightmare. Feel my hug. I am going to be getting in touch with Adult Protective Services next week. I am leaving town for a girls trip for 3 days to avoid a meltdown myself and so my poor hubby can get a refreshed wife back. She hangs up on me and throws me out of her apartment anyway when I try to suggest that she take advantage of all the lovely activities her community offers. When my dad was dying at home in hospice she was trying to cajole the caregivers to watch Cash Cab with her. Two agencies quit because of her attitude ( she wasn’t the center of attention because they were there for my dad) APS can deal with her .
She has been a nasty mean narcissist all her life ..
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$3600 tip?
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tygrlly1 Aug 2022
The 3600.00 was the price tag for the adjustible frame and mattress no one was interested in buying so was just given to the delivery guys.
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