Hi!
I have a growing problem with my mother who is 88 and has dementia and is in Memory Care. I live out of state so most of the time I communicate by phone.
My sister and I lived with her before Memory Care and it was mid year that she was diagnosed. Her behavior is the worst problem for me. It began with small false accusations of stealing, taking her possessions, paranoia, etc., which I know is pretty typical,but it has escalated that I have become some sort of scapegoat for all her frustrations and the center of bigger confabulation stories of past events. In her mind I have become this terrible daughter! My sister also gets her abusive behavior, but less so.When I took her personally to the Memory Care she thought I was kidnapping her and she later told my brother she had me arrested. We have always had a close relationship before she became ill, but now I am very sad that I am this monster in her mind. I don't know what to do. I recently reached out to the care team where she is and asked to perhaps work with a social worker to work through this problem. In the meantime any suggestions or advise? I would like to reason with her, to explain the truth of things but I also know she believes what she believes and I cannot. This is such a horrible problem. Thanks!
They simply are not. Her damaged brain is failing, and the misinterpretations, insults, and accusations are a PRODUCT of her illness, and really have NOTHING TO DO with the love you felt for one another before she began to suffer cognitive loss.
One of the most painful aspects of dementia as a caregiver, is learning that the person you loved is no longer there. The new person is losing filters, and operating on what her PRESENT TRUTH is.
You need to respect THAT “truth”, with no expectations that she is doing something that is “mean” or “meaningful” or in any way focused on her previous love for you.
Many of us have had to make this horribly painful adjustment. The staff in her residence has seen this, and understands it, and will not think badly of you because of what she says about you, or about anyone else.
It is a terribly painful time, but you as her loving caregiver, have to continue to love her with NO expectations other than what she’s showing you. At some point she may be able to show her love for you again, but it will be on her terms, as someone with dementia.
HUGS. It’s harder for you at this stage than it is for them.
You could go through the "protocol" to make sure she isn't having a UTI, which is extremely common in elderly women, and often has no symptoms other than increased confusion, delusions and agitated behavior.
And, if she isn't already on a medication for anxiety/agitation maybe consult with her doctor to see if there's any options or if her current meds needs adjusting. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you go on this journey.
You can not fight HER "reality"
As difficult as it is try to remember that this is not your mom, this is the disease that has broken her brain.
You must know that no one believes the stories she comes up with.
All you can do now is take care of yourself. Please consider talking to a therapist. They will help you process everything you're going through.
The mother you knew and loved is gone. It's okay to grieve for her. The mother you knew loved and cared for you with all her heart. Try to think of her as a casualty of war. Dementia is like a war. For years and years people fight against it. Families step up and take care of the person. They hire caregivers so their loved one can remain in their home. They try medications. They maintain the patience level of a saint. All to try and keep the dementia from advancing and taking more of their loved one. It is a war. Unless a person dies, the dementia destroys everything and it wins the war.
The enemy (dementia) dropped a bomb on your mother's brain and destroyed it. You know she would never think ill of you. She would never believe that you stole from her or kidnapped her or any of the other outrageous nonsense. The dementia thinks this, not her. Not the mother you knew and loved.
Please seek out therapy because it will help you.
i want to add, i recently spoke to a friend: mother has extreme dementia and says horrible, insulting things against her extremely kind, sweet daughter.
my friend said the comments still hurt, but less now. she tries to tell herself again and again: “it’s the disease. it’s not my mother.”
my friend said it took a lot of work, but now she’s less hurt.
Like said, it still hurts but you know Mom can not help it.
And you cannot change their minds or correct them. What they perceive as real is as real to them as your reality is to you.
Mother is slipping and sliding into senescence. I see her more than all my sibs except the one she lives with. He is supposed to keep us all updated on her status, but he never has and never will. (Some kind of martyr complex is going on).
She'll see something on TV and that becomes her reality. She has a friend who does crazy things--and takes them on as HER experiences. And you cannot argue with her.
Don't
Argue
Reason
Explain
Apologize for any perceived wrongdoing even if you're not at fault. Say you'll try better. Let her win. It's surprisingly not as easy as it sounds but it does work for me to keep my sanity, mostly.
I'm so sad you have to go through this. I hope you'll find peace with this.
As for him refusing to go to adult day care, it's not his decision. He has dementia and is no longer charge or making the decisions.
If you want him in adult day care, then force him to go. If you have to secure him in a wheelchair for transport to get him there, then do it. Let him have a tantrum. Ignore him the same way you ingore a child having one.
Do a bit of research on day care. There are ones who will accept and can handle hostile and aggressive clients like your father. They also offer transportation. It's very important for you to have time away from your father and caregiving. Even if you have to put him in memory care for a few days or weeks at a time every so often to get a break.
A situation can become high risk for abuse when a caregiver gets no help and no time off. This is especially true when it's a live-in care situation for an elder with dementia. I've personally known good and decent people living together who were the sole caregivers to elderly 'loved ones' and got no help or respite and there was abuse. The family caregiver gets pushed to the breaking point and all it takes is just one more complaint or snide comment and it's a slap across the face, or worse.
Please get some help with your father. For your sake, not his.
Another difference was that I didn't live with her, nor she with me. I was her "Dummy Daughter Driver," as I nicknamed myself. I knew nothing, was a nasty person, etc. Of course my three out-of-state brothers were different. Amazingly, the one who hardly ever came to see her became her golden child.
I really resented it (more than feeling hurt, I suppose) that *I* was the one who had to drive her around and put out her fires, so to speak. Being disrespected and verbally abused was the icing on the cake. I told my brothers that I would need to be compensated for me to continue doing anything. (When I'd brought this up to my mother, I was told disgustedly that, "You don't pay family.') By the time she had really slipped cognitively during a 17-day hospitalization, my brothers all agreed that I would be compensated (and one of the 2 POA brothers took care of it right away). He even suggested back pay, and I quickly agreed.
When I was being paid ($20/hour), I could think of it as a job, and emotionally it was so much easier on me. I was gifted the money, as my mother would never qualify for Medicaid.
The verbal abuse and scapegoating can get to the point where being paid doesn't even make any difference.
I stopped taking my mother to doctor's appointments. I just refuse to go with her. If I have to drive, I will but I won't accompany her to a doctor appointment anymore. I tell everyone that I'm taking a break. For years it was all on me. My mother makes doctor's appointments for entertainment. Sometimes three and four a week. This is the only time she's willing to leave the house and the only socialization she gets (and this is her choice). I'm done with it though.
She's lately taken to offering me money to take her. I refuse. It's just not worth it. When she has one coming up she reduces her snide and abusive behavior a few days ahead of time. She cuts back on the fight instigating too. She thinks this will persuade me to take her. It doesn't.
She told me she hated me everyday for putting her there!
I only replied " really mom? the hospital decides where you go".
She is in rehab again now post a hospitalization. I wonder if this accusation will come up again.
Caregivers are hired so my time there will be limited.
Save yourself & reduce calls......cut them short too.
I know that brings no comfort at all, but the mom before the illness is the mom that would have never spoken those words to you or your sis. The best you can do Right now is give her love and support and make sure all her needs are being met. Learn to roll with it, deflect, change the subject, take her for a walk, turn on music, tv, read, offer a snack, or perhaps leave for a quick break, whatever it takes and by doing so you avoid escalating things. Relationships evolve during caregiving, and you learn that being there for her, showing her love and comfort, and making sure all her needs are met is the best you can do, and I bet you're doing that!
This happened with my mother also! She accused me of taking money out of her wallet. We would search her usual hiding spots until we found it and then I would make her apologize for accusing me because she forgot where she hid it. But the next night we would go through the same thing all over again! I did this for almost two weeks then I didn’t care anymore that she accused me. One night I told her to check her bra she was wearing for the money and she found it and she asked how did you know it was there? I said cause that’s where you hid it last night and we both laughed. If it’s not the money it the nail clipper or the hair brush it’s always going to be something. When the accusations start try redirecting its great! she will forget you are a thief and you will have a pleasant conversation. It took me a while to get where I am. Don’t take it personally. Learn to laugh about it. The paranoid phase comes in cycles it won’t last long. Unfortunately the ones they are closest to them are the ones this happens to. Remember you can not change her but you can change how you handle it. God Bless
Keep your phone visits short, calling for a check in and to ask about her day; when things "turn" excuse yourself and tell your Mom you will call again in a few days.
Again, I am sorry. The person we knew doesn't exist, and it isn't something that much can be done about. Certainly not "reasoning". That ability is now gone for your Mom.
After living with us for over 15 years, she tells everyone she has never set foot in our house.
Now she is in care and is back to being 44 years old so I can’t possibly be her daughter. I’m just some nice old lady who stops by to chat for an hour and reads her mail to her.
At least I now have civil interactions with her. I hope the same for you.
I experienced it with my mom( lies , innuendo’s, dis trust etc…) She was also combative. Find a way to have tough skin! Just like she’s changed unfortunately so must you.
In my moms mind I sold her house, wrote things with magical pens, was working against her with people she didn’t know etc… It was like a drama series!
This chapter in your life can be almost unbearable but know your limits. You can only endure but so much! And If/ when it becomes unbearable she may have to go into a NH or AL etc… then maybe you can salvage the relationship.
Wishing you the best outcome💕
So, like you already said, you’re never going to be able to tell her you didn’t do it, or she’s wrong. But maybe you can tell her those things but in a different way. I hope this helps. I’d maybe sit down one night and really think of some different situations that could come up or that have come up and then write down how you’d approach each one, that way you won’t have to think on the fly about it and maybe accidentally say something to make it worse. And just remember to not take it personally, I know, easier said than done! But really, I just let whatever emotions I am feeling out at the end of the day, work through them, and approach the next day fresh. Remember that this is not your mom saying these things and this isn’t what she actually feels. I’ll never forget reading something where a son was talking to his mom and asked her if she knew who he was, she was advanced at this time, and she said “I don’t know, but I know I love you.” So whatever it is that’s coming out now, in her heart she knows who you really are to her and that she loves you.
Best of luck to you, I’m really sorry you and your family are going through this. It’s a cruel disease I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
A family meeting with a Geriatric Psychiatrist might be a "twofer" because you could all express your concerns and the doctor can prescribe medications that might help your mom accept her reality as just the cycle of life. I'm also guessing her obsession with you will calm down as her memory fades and the professionals divert her attention with activities.
This issue isn't personal, but rather a medical disease that is destroying her brain. Perhaps you can take a break from all the drama and practice "no contact" for 6 months or so.
I went through this, as well..Mom was in MC, I saw her almost every day. Being her daughte, & main caregiver, she had no qualms letting me know I “institutionalized” her, took her from her home, etc. There were times, I told her I do the best I can, kissed her forehead, told her I love her, and I would come back when she calmed down..I would go to the car, cry, then walk back in..When I walked back in, she be calm again.😮💨🙏🏻 With her dementia, I had no luck reasoning with her.
If you hang up from Mom, then call her back in 10-15 minutes, would her ‘mind/brain” reset to a cordial conversation with you?🤷🏻♀️
Maybe her geriatric Dr can help? Not sure.. A terrible disease. You are not alone in what you’re experiencing. Pls know that. 🙏🏻🤗 to you, Mom & family
Maybe keep the conversation to: what did you eat for xxx, what are you feeling now, what did you do today, etc. Nothing that invokes her to remember anything about her family. When she gets to the part that she was "forced into Memory Care" and the paranoia of her belongings, you could do the repetitious "oh dear, oh my" then ask her if she wants you to hang up and call back later. It is really hard, however, try your best not to be in solution mode. Make sure you get the nurses at the center to go along with the ploy.
Maybe she just needs to talk about get how she is a "victim" so that her mind can move on to a different topic.
I don't know if this idea is ludicrous or will even work. My therapist once told me that bad memories are stronger and more likely to be retained than pleasant ones (great, eh?)
In the meantime, I'm assuming that you or your sister have discussed this behavior with her doctor. Over-drugged, under-drugged or wrong-drugs?
Ugh....my prayers are with all of you.
Mom really likes and respects the director and thus perhaps actually was able to get through to her as I was not. Perhaps this is key as least for now..that a lovely and professional woman is making peace in Mom's mind. I feel a bit guarded tho, like I have some form of PTSD from my experience of living with her and still dread calling. But I will reread all of your stories of your own experience, suggestions and words of support and learn from them. Thank you again so much! You are beautiful people!
You are very lucky that both of you have a director you trust to contact you if there’s something seriously wrong with mom should you have less contact. In fact, it could help your mom to socialize more, scapegoat you less, or both.
There's a saying I really like, it goes something like this, "be grateful for what you had, do not grieve what you have lost."
The family scapegoat often holds these characteristics:
the truth teller
Strong-willed
Empathic
Justice-seeking
Internalizes blame
Emotionally reactive
Highly sensitive
Protective of others
Questions authority
Care-taking
“Different” in some way
Strong-willed
Empathic
Justice-seeking
Internalizes blame
Emotionally reactive
Highly sensitive
Protective of others
Questions authority
Care-taking
“Different” in some way
Maybe she knows she will get more of a "rise" from you, than your sibling???
If so (??), then she is able to place her burdens more effectively on you, than her. This would be more satisfying or effective for her. I know she has dementia, and you can't blame her, BUT it's very saddening, but maybe she still identifies you subconsciously even as being an "effective" scapegoat.