Hello everyone,
My husband and I are newbie caregivers. It all started in April 2020. My father and I never really had a relationship. My great grandmother raised me. I would see my dad periodically. Years would pass and I would not see or hear from him. My dad was drinking everyday since he was 15 and was a functional alcoholic. He worked everyday, owned a home and cars. He is now 67.
He moved back to our home state about two years ago. He had a car accident in April and was diagnosed with onset of dementia. Long story short, my husband and I believe God has called us to this mission. He is now living with us in a different state. I have also obtained a durable POA. We have changed our lives and home around to accommodate his needs. He has fallen once and ended up in the hospital for six days. After being discharged from the hospital, he went into a facility for physical therapy for a three week stay.
We are concerned that he is becoming depressed because he has not had any alcohol since April. We have cameras around the house and when he sleeps at night he is constantly moving every 10 minutes (camera recorded activity). I conveyed this to his PCP and he prescribed Trazadone. It seemed to help for about a week but now he is back to restless movements during the night. I think he is having some sort of withdrawals and some days he is really quiet. He normally likes to talk a lot but some days he seems down. I know he is still adjusting to this major life change but I just hope he does not have a seizure from alcoholic withdrawals. Most of his conversations and stories pertain to drinking alcohol.
Meanwhile, "back at the ranch" My husband and I are exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. We have a part-time sitter who comes in 3 days a week. We both work from home and find it hard to find balance especially when the sitter is not here. We are overwhelmed. We feel guilty leaving him by himself because we have to work in our home offices. My siblings all live out of state so we have no family support.
Should we be concerned about the past alcoholism? Also, any biblical and common sense advice for us newbies?
Welcome to the forum.
I have a couple of thoughts on your post.
If you read through the information on the following link you will find areas to investigate in regard to your dad’s dementia being caused by his alcoholism and that depression can be caused by dementia or alcoholism.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcohol-related_dementia
He may have sleep apnea which can cause a great deal of harm and may be what is going on in addition to his dementia.
Here is a link that explains the different type doctors who take on sleep studies. Many different doctors do, so try for the best one available in consideration of his other issues. A neurologist or psychiatrist maybe. I realize this may be difficult.
https://www.sleepdr.com/the-sleep-blog/which-doctor-should-i-talk-to-about-my-sleep-problems/
As far as where your father should live, I don’t think you asked about that but I’ll weigh in. I would suggest that you consider the big picture and not just today. Since he has decided to allow you to manage his care, he will get better. That’s what you want, right? As he heals, he may decide that he wants to live on his own again. He may decide to drink again. He may be content to live with you forever. You are young and he is just entering elderhood. You both hopefully have many years to live. You have quiet possibly already honored your calling by providing him a safe place to begin his recovery. That’s for all three of you to decide.
I do encourage you to examine your situation on a periodic basis. Living with you may or may not be the best for him or you long term. Knowing you will checkin and reevaluate on a regular basis can help to mange your stress.
We on this forum always really want to protect the caregiver (maybe because we are or have been caregivers ourselves). We know this is going to be much more than you can ever realize from the current vantage point of just a few months. No one is doubting your intention. We are all just gently reminding you that there are many ways to support a loved one.
I’ve known functional alcoholics whose lives were not wasted. So I don’t share that view across the board.
He may be so much better that he wants to manage his own life and all that goes with that. Do make sure that you don’t hold your breath over how he may choose to live his life and that you and your DH continue to live yours. You have to truly give the outcome to God. This endeavor, like all we take on in life, will have twists and turns that you will not have control of. Think Corona virus if you need a point of reference.
About the DPOA. Be very aware that you didn’t obtain the DPOA, rather he gave it. Only he, as the principal, can give his power to you as his agent. He can also take it away. For you to have the lasting control you would need guardianship. He may not know (remember) that, but you need to know it.
So the common sense part I would ask you to consider is that alcoholism is a tough tough problem that your dad has been wrestling with his entire adulthood and that you have only recently stepped into the arena. Consider Al-Anon meetings (in your spare time- a little joke there) to learn more.
If I understand it, he won’t truly feel “normal” unless he is drinking. So perhaps the dementia is a way out for him.
There is so much we don’t know about the human condition but do know that you will find support here and others who are in a similar situation. Keep us updated. We care.
It's reasonable to assume that his diagnosed dementia is due to the effect that alcohol has had on his brain over 50+ years. It's also reasonable to believe that, at a relatively young age of 67, his brain function will improve the longer he goes without alcohol.
Learning to live sober through the support of fellow alcoholics is the reason for the success of Alcoholics Anonymous. Meetings are held in nearly every community. There is no judgement or shame. He'll make friends while he learns how to live sober. If he refuses to go to meetings, my recommendation is to follow through with the alternatives suggested by other posters.
I think your father can get past the alcohol. It may take some time but he can do it. With God's help, he can do it.
My brother in law was the same way. Even after he went into Memory Care, he kept wanting a drink. He got past it with time and your farther can too.
Blessings
Unless Dad's dementia is early onset, then he may have some alcoholic encephalopathy going on. Yet and all he could easily live another two decades, whatever the diagnosis, and whether or not he has any relapsing (I know you know that he has a good chance at relapse. Do be aware that alcoholics will easily switch to such things as "listerine" and other alcoholic things when alcohol not available.)
You have moved your Dad into your home. I cannot know how much you and your husband thought out this whole thing before it became a done deal?
If you have young children their lives are going to be very changed by your decisions now.
I think that your father really needs placement. If he has funds this can be the quite expensive Assisted Living. If not, his placement will not be as nice as all that. Covid may not be the time to do it, but I think it should be considered now as the way forth in future.
Whatever you both decide is up to you. Some people believe they have an obligation to parents who really provided them with very little. I am not one of those people. Some people don't really think they deserve to have their own lives if there are others who "need them". I am not one of those people. I am a person who believes that my first obligation is to my husband, to my children, and to be frank to myself. I am a person who understands I have limitations. The care of an elder in my home at best is sadly on the list of my limitations.
I sure do wish you good luck going forward, but taking this on? I don't think things will get better over time. I don't believe you should sacrifice your lives to it. We are not Saints. Saints get filled full of arrows, and when they die we spend eternity praying them to fix everything for us. It's a bad job description. The very best of luck in making your decisions. Not everything can be made "good" or "right". Not everything, after years of self abuse, can be fixed. I am so sorry for this grief. Sorry for your Dad. And even more sorry for you and hubby.
I would think if he was going to have alcoholic related seizures from not drinking, he'd have had them by now. Lots of people are restless sleepers and it doesn't mean much of anything. I'm sure he's depressed from having to stop drinking.........it's a huge change for someone to give up a life long habit like that. The drinking likely contributed to his early dementia, as alcohol often does.
The thing is, he's awfully young to be living with you as he can easily live another 20 or 30 years. While you may feel that God called you to this mission to care for your father, don't get too stuck on that thought because giving up 2 or 3 decades of your life to this when you are already feeling exhausted after 4 months is going to take a HUGE toll on you. Many of us have our loved one(s) in Assisted Living and STILL 'care give' for them from our own homes. We visit, we call a lot, we bring necessities to them, we coordinate their lives FOR them without doing the actual hands-on care giving. That works too, believe me.
Rethink what you've taken on here with your father. Dementia gets very ugly as it progresses. Very ugly. Read all about it online and see what you're in for in the coming days, months, years ahead. Then make an educated and emotionless decision about where your father is best off living his life, and what is best for you and your husband as well. This isn't JUST about your father and his needs; there are 3 people involved here and ALL of your lives count equally. That's what God wants, my friend, for all of His children to love themselves enough to have self respect by taking care of their bodies, minds and souls.
Best of luck!