My mom with dementia called the police tonight because we won't let her drive. She now wants us out of her house. Help!

Your mother has dementia. It is difficult to say that she "refuses to try to understand" something ... it may be beyond her current capabilities to try to understand something. She is not in her right mind. It won't change her behaviors for you to accept this, but it may help you not take it personally or to expect to be able to get her to change.

Her driving license expired? Great! Let's hope she doesn't figure out what she could do to renew it, and can't find anyone willing to help her. Now she at least knows that the police can't do anything for her in that regard.

Now she wants you to move out of her house. (Who is the "us" she wants out? Who else is living with her?) If it is her house and if she has not been declared incompetent, she probably has the right to insist that you leave. Certainly that would not be in her best interests, but competent adults are allowed to make their own decisions, even very bad decisions.Do you have anything from the doctors in writing, regarding not driving? Would they be willing to put in writing that due to dementia she does not have the judgment to make her own financial and/or health decisions, in their opinion?

You feel that she cannot safely live on her own. You felt so strongly about that, in fact, that you moved 1000 miles to come help her. But she does not have to accept your help, or any help, unless she is declared incompetent.

This must feel really frustrating to you! You are only trying to help, and she is resisting you. And it is probably not much consolation that this is an extremely common situation! Often all that can done is to wait for some crisis, such as a fall that puts her in the hospital, to change the status quo. Sad.

Is there a chance that this will all blow over if you patiently just wait long enough? That she'll forget about wanting you to leave? "I'm looking for an apartment, Mom. What do you want me to fix for dinner tonight?" What about staying at your brother's apartment for a few days. Do you think that actually being on her own might convince her that she likes having a little help? (Maybe not ... she is not in her right mind ... but might it be worth a try?)

If you do have to leave, I THINK I would talk to Adult Protection Services. (I have not done that. I hope others who have first-hand experience with APS will weigh in on this.) You would state that you consider your mother a vulnerable adult, explain her medical conditions (including dementia), and that you very much do not want her left to fend for herself. You are not abandoning her voluntarily but she is insisting on you leaving. Is there anything they can do to ensure her safety?

My heart goes out to you. You are in a very difficult situation. If you can possibly let this blow over or help Mom to change her mind, that would be the easiest solution.

Keep us informed.

I'm glad that your brother got the driving message direct from the doctor. It sounds like he could use a little education about dementia, in order to be more effective in acting in Mom's best interest. Finding caregiver support groups for both of you might be very helpful. It is good to see that you are not alone and to hear how others have dealt with difficult issues.

Mom is not going to change (except for the dementia symptoms to increase). The changes have to come in how you and your brother handle things.

Even though Mom is not responsible for her attacks on you -- again, she is not in her right mind -- no one has to put up with abuse, regardless of its cause. Make sure her doctors know about this behavior. Protect yourself. Work with your brother on this ... for heaven sake he should not stand around and let abuse occur!

My heart goes out to all three of you. Please continue to inform us of how this is progressing for you.

Jeannegibbs gave the best advice. I felt your story was similar to mine. Its a battle and my mom is staunchly defending her independence (90, dementia). She has called the police several times on various matters (4x in one month recently) and they would call me (i live long distance) and I would do same as you, talk to them about her dementia, give them her drs diagnosis, contact info, etc; even the community services board (who has a record on her) and the police comment same thing and don't need to take into account any background info. They compartmentalize the situation. My mom refused all help, then was ordered to have in-home care which we put in place and she fought tooth n nail for weeks, then locked them out and called police on them. The police asked if I hired them or my mother; I said I had as part of a care plan agreement; they asked my mother if she wanted them, she said no and wanted them out of her house. Police sent the CNAs home and that was that. My mom has refused any additional services or care.

You said license is expired. Write the DMV and explain her condition, and provide dr contact info; tell them you do not want them to renew her license. There is a form on the DMV website that you can download and fill out. They won't reveal a relative so she won't know it is you. Tell her she can't drive on expired license, then take her and let DMV tell her they can't renew the license without her doctor's signature. That should stop this.
Sell the car so she doesn't have to look at and be reminded its one more loss of independence.

You will have to come to grips with her wanting you to move out. Tell her you are looking for a place, and cut back on some of the things you do for her unless she asks for your help. You may have to move out if that is her decision. Yes, elders make bad choices -- my mom is one and I've finally "cried uncle" and am leaving her alone. I call her 1x per wk and have mourned the loss of "my mom" or wishing her to thank me, be grateful for all I've done or apologize. Its been a long road; but I have decided to respect her wishes to live as she pleases. I still worry about her falling, starving or getting food poisoning, but I can't control and legally don't have the rights and I refuse guardianship battle. I'm waiting for the next event where she ends up in the hospital and case manager or social worker makes her move into a care facility.

Good luck to you. Don't fight with your brother, work together on a united front to protect your mother and others (with the driving danger). In the end, you need each other.

My mom also was found to have had small strokes, and bascially vascular dementia. She also would get worse with UTIs or cellulitis or anything. She once started hitting people at the assisted living with her purse and they were smart enough to realize it was medical and got her to the ER without even needing to ask me. But another time, Mom was having fits over nothing and they wanted to take her to gero-psych, and I insisted on the medical ER first and was very glad I did, as she turned out to be having a heart attack and just could not voice what she was feeling in any way they could understand, until later when she finally mentioned, "Yeah, my chest hurt." OK, how does "it's scary, it's spooky" and "everybody is talking too much" translate into "my chest hurts and I need medical attention?" It doesn't. I put it on her care notes that seriously aggressive behavior usually had a medical cause and to always think of that first.

That problem of decompensating and getting combative with any infection or illness was what finally made me realize there was absolutely no way Mom could go back home and live on her own as she so deeply wished, even with a LifeLine and the world's best neighbors.

You have my sympathy, empathy, and just plain pathy over the pathos.
Excellent responses from the Best on this site.
Please tell brother to forget about enabling her. He needs to get on same page with you guys, bless his heart. Always someone holding out for hope in the family. Got to get real and in the present to deal with Mom:) xo
As long as DMV, Dr. and your family are in sync, just agree to take a proactive approach for the well-being of everyone, especially Mom. It's an opportunity to make some peace and progress in your family. All the Best to you. Help and/or venting is always awaiting you here, Dear One. Take care, xo

DON'T HESITATE ANY LONGER to call a hot line and get additional help. Of course she feels fine, she is impaired enough to believe that everyone around her is causing all her problems...and no one ever wants to believe that they have dementia. Brother feels guilty about not respecting her wishes and isn't quite emotionally ready to take over control and begin the difficult journey of making decisions for an incompetent loved one, but that is exactly what has to be done. Again, she has physically attacked you - in her mind she is defending herself appropriately from someone trying to harm her. I think you and brother need to get with a geriatric specialist and line up help, possibly get a guardianship or at the very least a statement of incapacity (not just for driving) and get on with making sure she can get the care and support she needs to be safe and not harm herself or anyone else, even though to a greater or lesser degree it may always be unwillingly. This is very much more a matter for social services rather than for police, as they have no training in competency assessment or dementia at all and have to act only on what has already been adjudicated. My heart goes out to you all, this is not easy, and the difficult decisions you make now will be very, very important to all of you in this situation.

The thought of her losing her independce is driving her mad. Don't take anything personal. Get everything through writing. And her thinking of changing doctor's is a since of her trying to get control of her life. She feels she's losing control. My opinion

BTW, while you're waiting for things to blow over, just go through your normal routines. She may sit like a fuming person with eyes glowing "I hate you." That is what happens with me. It can be unnerving, but I don't let on. I know what I'm doing is right. I understand how she feels and know some day I may be in the same position. But I know there are things she just can't do anymore. To give in would be easier at the moment, but it would make things harder in the long run. I am glad you have the doctor, so you can say that the doctor said she can't drive.

Anyone, absolutely anyone, can develop dementia. In my local support group we have had caregivers of clergy (2), police, architect, lawyers (2), engineers (3), and housewife, to name what I can remember off the top of my head. And I can tell you this, a lawyer with dementia is no more logical than a housewife with dementia. Previous education, experience, degrees, and occupation do not insulate one from the impairments dementia inflicts.

I had a similar situation, but it went more smoothly. Thankfully, it was a perceptive cop who answered her call.

I went out to do an errand, came back 1 1/2 hr later. She didn't know where I was, so called the cops to report me as a missing person. I was home again when the police arrived. She couldn't remember why she had called them, so said I was stealing from her and she wanted me to leave. He asked "what did she steal?" The answer was "stuff". She couldn't name anything. The cop was great. He seemed to see what the story was, and worded things to give me hints. I got his his hint , and said to my aunt. "ok, I'll leave, but can I stay tonight?" She said ok. The cop looked pleased and left. By morning, she had forgotten all about this. It had blown over.

Oh, and BTW, the policeman also contacted the town's Dept of Elder Affairs. They dropped over to see what support services they could offer.

Wish I could have told you my story before this happened to you!

You have my prayers and good wishes.