Dementia or just plain bad behavior?
This is really just me needing to vent the incredible amount of frustration I am feeling, but also I can't imagine I'm alone on dealing with this issue: seniors, bless their hearts, are so darn picky when it comes to food!
My grandmother always tells me "I'm not picky, you know that." and boy do I have to bite my tongue for response. As Debbie on Queer as Folk would say: "I'm biting my tongue so hard, I'm tasting blood!" Hahaha.
Because yeah, grandma you are SO picky. Anything I put in front of this woman, she takes *maybe* TWO bites and suddenly doesn't feel like eating. It doesn't matter what it is, or consistency, or anything. There is really no rhyme or reason to it. Believe me, I've tried everything and have posed this issue to the forum before for ideas and nothing seems to work. The only thing she will eat is Ensure and the PB&J sandwiches I make her. And candy/cookies. Mind you, I don't begrudge her any of these. Heck, at 94, she's earned it. But there are so many times where she will ask me for cake or pastry type desserts, but when I get it, she doesn't eat it! URGHHH! I brought one home the other day which she specifically requested, and as soon as I cut it up and put it into little snack baggies for her, she asked me to put it away in the freezer (where she can't get to it, and will of course forget about it.) She wanted fresh cut fruit, which I also bought, and she hasn't touched it yet. She asks me what is in the house and when I offer it to her, she doesn't want it or doesn't eat it.
I can't help but get angry at this, because to me, this is bad behavior. To me, this is what a spoiled 5 year old would act like (which I realize she's in that mindset). I'm just so sick of it! Why bother buying this crap for her if she won't touch it?!
Of course I realize that this is part of dementia: they can't taste much of anything anymore besides sweets (which is why they crave it), and the body is shutting down, so they don't need a lot of calories and the appetite is disappearing as a result. So while I get the ins and outs of it, it's just so frustrating to figure out what the heck she wants that she would actually eat. And I work two jobs, so it's not like I have time to fuss over this.
While she can't help it, and it's not her fault, this is just one of the things about dementia that really pisses me off so much. Sometimes I just want to bang my head against a wall.
36 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Is it wrong to stop forcing my eldery mother to eat?
- Does anyone know if one glass of wine is ok for someone with dementia?
- My husband doesn't want to drink enough fluids. How can I encourage him?
- How do I stop mom with dementia from overeating? She forgets she ate then eats again. She gained 30 pounds and none of her clothes fit.
The LANGUAGE of “picky” is a case in point. YOU consider her a “picky” eater, based on the observations you’ve stated. Yet you say you continue to go to great attempts to procure, portion, and present foods that she asks for. You do this while knowing that what she actually consumes are peanut butter sandwiches and containers of Ensure.
So, you CAN “help but get angry at this”. You can stop doing it.
You point out that there is “no rhyme or reason to it”. At 94 with dementia, it may be unfair to her AND YOU to be waiting for “rhyme or reason” that are no longer part of her abilities. If YOU are buying fruit FOR YOURSELF, can you cut a piece or two serve them to her on a small plate, and remove the plate peacefully in a period of time whether she’s eaten it or not?
Yes to daily Ensure and peanut butter sandwiches. NO to unnecessary purchases, serving, then frustration.
You CAN’T figure out how to please her. Then DON’T TRY.
Are you getting enough time away from her care, enjoying activities that you like, treating yourself well? You fully deserve the opportunity to be kind TO YOURSELF.
PLEASE BE SURE YOU ARE DOING SO.
You and the other responders are correct in ignoring the "requests". The requests are not rational or practical and I can't expect someone with dementia to be able to control that. But being in full control of my own faculties, I can choose how to respond to this scenario by not letting her get to me and just ignoring whenever she says she wants cake or whatever. Because I know in the end she won't eat it, so why bother? Why make myself all worked up over nothing?
Yup, I think I need a break!
And you are absolutely right- going forward, I think it would be best to just chalk up the so-called "requests" to nonsense and not even bother getting it. She'll forget she wanted it anyhow. Thank you, good advice.
You're right though- why bother to buy it if it's just going to waste? And for what, on a whim?
I think most (if not all) of this issue of my frustration is the emotional aspect of it: this is just one more sign that I'm losing her. While I accept death for what it is, a natural part of the life cycle, emotionally it's hard because she was such a big part of my life. I can't fight the inevitable, and yet it's instinctual for me to do so (like trying to get her to eat, bathe, do an activity, etc.) But the hard truth is, it's a losing battle.
A few of you mentioned taking a break from caregiving for a little bit and doing something to relax and have fun- again, you are right. I do feel warn out lately and in need of a break. Grandma's dementia antics are starting to get to me and that's not helping anyone.
You work 2 jobs and already have enough on your plate as it is. Buy grandma what YOU think she may like, cut it up, bag it up, and leave it at that. She eats what she wants to eat and leaves the rest. In reality, sedentary humans need wayyyyyyyyy fewer calories to thrive than we THINK they do. Which is why the obesity rate in the USA is as high as it is. Not to say grandma is obese or even overweight, just making a point in general.
Nothing they say or do is 'their fault' which doesn't cut down on OUR frustration levels over their behaviors. I honestly believe some of it is due to being bored while the rest of it is due to the 'broken brain' syndrome. In either event, as long as there is FOOD in the house, grandma is able to eat. Sweet tasting food including fruit will likely be her first choice and like you said, who cares?
Get out and get in some 'me time', even if it's shopping at the mall. Devoting all of your spare time to a demented elder's constantly changing requests, most of which she's unaware she's even made, doesn't make sense. Take some well deserved time for YOU!
Good luck!
Seriously, my heart goes out to you.
good suggestions have been posted. You obviously have good skills, or you wouldn’t be venting. You’ve tried it all, it sounds like.
My MIL is so very picky it’s insane. She’s also a very domineering control person all her life. She’s also sweet, kind, and I love her to bits.
You are right, sometimes sweets is all they can taste.
Personally I learned to use the phrase “OK” a lot! It avoids the power struggle.
I offer her meals that I cook and take. I give her foods she liked in the past and remind her that it’s one of her favorites. If she eats it, ok. If she doesn’t, ok. But she has healthy food offered.
She dropped significant weight, but we can’t force feed her. She has junk food and candy all the time that she doesn’t remember eating.
Family chats help too. Knowing all are doing the best is all you can do. Remind anyone who has an opinion, or want to bash - that they are WELCOME to do differently. See how fast they shut up. 😉
Lastly, be kind to yourself. All of you are grieving - the life you had, wished you had, wanted to have, is not your reality. All we can do is what we CAN do just for today.
hugs - and if you need a pen pal - I’m here.
My aunt (her daughter) was actually bashing my skills and when I insisted that she move in to take care of her, there was a very loud HELL NO and I didn't hear any bashing since. The nerve of that woman, here I am caring for her mother in the midst of multiple crisises (pandemic and health issues) and she complains to me about the job I'm doing. Okay, I'll move out and you can do one better. Here's your chance. amazing how she backed off.
Often the care-giver is concerned about the LO getting enough nutrition. In a case like this one, it would be easier to agree, tell the LO you will get it and wait for her to forget.
IF the items are nutritious AND are items one would eat oneself, buy them and at least offer some, even a small amount. If they choose not to eat it, then the care-giver can eat it rather than let it go to waste. If it isn't nutritious and generally it isn't eaten when purchased per request, just promise to get it and let it go!
If dementia isn't at play, you could still agree to get it, but perhaps hold off and see if the request is repeated. If they turn it down every time, then just stop buying it, unless someone else in the household can eat it.
Keep the candies/snacks on the shelf. Unless she is diabetic, at least she is getting some calories. And who wants to deprive someone of what they want? (unless jeopardy to health...and then....there are times when it really doesn't make a difference at a certain point). My great uncle smoked like a chimney. Found out he had cancer and already spread everywhere. Offered no treatment of any kind and said it was a matter of days, weeks. W/pain meds, he tried to put the IV line to his lips as if to smoke, straws on the trays, etc. I finally took him outside to smoke. He was very coherent and smoked it. Why deprive him at that point???
For the cakes she likes - get smaller portions from bakery. Cupcakes, cut them in half, freeze or refrig half. Even Walmart often has small sections of a cake. Probably costs more, but equivalent if you have to toss it.
If anyone else in the family cooks, get them to prepare you some meals from their leftovers. Small portions/meals sealed well should keep in the freezer. You aren't wasting any food and it probably food the relative would have tossed out anyway.
Anyway. I'd take that and translate it into: don't get your grandmother these additional snacks and treats and special orders unless you're content for her not to eat them. I don't know, but maybe if you only get ones you like too - you could eat them? :) As for ones you don't like and can't use, unless they're of tremendous nutritional value and therefore worth the gamble, you might consider promising to "get it next time, I'll make a note."
See All Answers