Dementia or just plain bad behavior?

Let me simply how to deal with 'picky' or 'fussy'.

Picky: This isn't a restaurant. If you don't want to eat what I'm offering then go hungry.

Fussy: If you don't like how I do it, then do it yourself. If you can't, either shut the hell up or do without it.

This is how to deal with picky and fussy. Works every time.

I'm glad I'm not alone on this topic also! My mother is constantly complaining about 'all' the 'varied' and 'delicious' foods I buy her. It is extremely wearing and it eats up most of the day (no pun intended ha!). But really, it's been so exhausting (let alone expensive)... while I haven't had time to cook or eat for myself! It's taken the Joy of eating out of me now!

My mother has 'labile' BP, which means her BP can swing widely with very high and low numbers at any given moment.

Her cardiologist told told her via Zoom recently, to watch the salt, and yet she seems to go out of her way to not listen...

I can't imagine how or what she would eat on her own. She's 93. Yes, I know people (usually, non-caregivers) say "give her what she wants at her age", but they're not the one taking care of her on a daily basis. Plus, in this Covid pandemic, I am working extremely hard to keep her as healthy as possible so she does not get sick or have to go into the hospital. I've learned that most people can talk the talk, but few walk the walk... especially, siblings... 'friends' (who are not physically present to deal with these issues... and, this is only 1 of many other issues eh?... like showering, cleaning up after them, answering questions almost non stop (as if you are the all-knowing, all-everything)...

I think if I wasn't caring for my mother she would only taste the salt (should she have the salt shaker) or sweets (which she says she rarely eats!... After Christmas, she was hooked on all the chocolate (and, not the good chocolate) that people were dropping off for her. Sometimes, I believe they didn't want to eat it themselves, so they passed it on to my mother... I'm having to wean her off of sugar... (she's unaware... and, doesn't miss all the sugar).

Yesterday, I made her pork ribs and sauerkraut, potatoes, onions... she asked me for. It took me all day... the clean-up and, putting things away, was a lot as well. She rarely says thank you. Actually, the day before, she actually told my brother and his 'new' girlfriend on FaceTime that I don't give her meat! She tells this to a total stranger!... I buy her meat all the time.... Expensive and the best meats... on my money.

What bothers me the most, is that she just won't stop talking and complaining about one thing or another. It goes on all day and night... At the end of the day, my mind is about to explode!

After all this... she now hates me... God only knows all I have done to get her well especially after these past 4 years (hip surgeries... one that was 'bad'... and, a fractured metacarpal in her left hand).

So, you and I are not alone and I thank God for the people on this site to help keep our sanity.

Sometimes, you can't 'win', no matter what.

All we can do is try.

God Bless you and everyone... Spring is almost here!!!

PS I lost 40 lbs (I didn't need to loose that much) during these last 4 years caring for her, in and out of hospitals,,, rehabs... drs visits... staying overnight... because, it was necessary... Now, I'm gaining some back... thank goodness!
(Oh yes, and that's not including 'physically' pushing, lifting, etc. Into wheel chairs, cars, etc... that caregivers don't even mention... Caregivers have a huge heart... and, deserve the best in their lives... also... !)

Thank you all for your wonderful words of advice and support. It is truly a comfort to know that I am not alone in dealing with this, that there are people out there who truly understand this horrifying journey. I wish you all the best, and send you much love and comfort in return.

In my search to find something of an answer to this debacle, I discovered a few useful things that I thought to share:

1.) Many of Grandma's cravings were actually sugar crashes in disguise.

I'm kicking myself here a little because I should have recognized this from my own experience in weight loss: when I was super obese, I craved everything under the sun. When you eat to much refined sugar, it not only causes bad mood swings making you feel like crap, but it also makes you crave more refined sugar in return and creates a vicious cycle.

And I was right- turns out, she was eating too much of the bad stuff (regular soda, candy, cookies, etc.) And I mean really overdoing it, to the point where she was having upset stomach, nausea, dehydration, inflammation, not eating real food, and having the worst temper tantrums I've ever seen. So moderation is now key (*see point #4)

2.) Seltzer is a good switch from soda for hydration, and no nasty sugar crashes. And she'll drink it if I share a can with her and tell her it's soda.

3.) Cut up fruit. Why didn't I think of this sooner! She loves cut fruit, it's healthy, economical, she can easily access it from the fridge, and no resulting health issues from eating it. It also doesn't stand a chance of going bad in our house because it simply won't last long enough to do that. Fruit can also be hydrating, especially watermelon, so it solves a few problems at once. This is a win in my book.

4.) Moderating her "bad foods" by preparing a daily small snack baggie of them, and putting it in her lunch bag each day. Mind you I don't begrudge her anything so long as it's not a hinderance to her wellbeing (or mine, for that matter!)

I make a small lunch bag for her everyday, put one PBJ sandwich in it, a small snack baggie of chips and 2 cookies. She can easily grab it from the fridge. This, the breakfast I make her in the morning plus the cut fruit will tide her over until dinner. Perfect!

Can I be perfectly honest here folks? I can't believe I actually seem to have figured this one out.

Most people lose their appetites/taste sensations as they grow older. It just happens, and is a natural part of aging. At age 94, if your GM will only take ensure and PB sandwiches, give her ensure and PB sandwiches if she is happy with that. Maybe take a soft fruit or two (bananas?) when you visit, and a donut or something. If she likes candy, then take candy that won't spoil and leave it out for her as her 'treat' if she wants it. Then don't worry about it if she doesn't eat them. Don't run yourself ragged trying to cater to your GM's feeding (not feeding) situation. You seem to be taking very good care of your GM, and really don't need to feel any guilt about her nutrition. Good luck with this.

Stop knocking yourself out trying to get her every kind of food because she gets an idea in her head that she wants it. She forgets about it one way or the other anyway.
Make sure she's supplied with easy, accessible food that she can get to. Like a bag of cookies on the table. Then that's it. Stop knocking yourself out trying to please her. She won't starve if you don't pick up a specific type of cake she wants.

i know what you mean and then add ontop of that IF they have problems with their dentures and chewing stuff that normally would work. my mother got brand new dentures at age 90, her others were over 60 years old and barely working. of course with her being diabetic she had some jaw bone loss so even with new dentures, her bottom ones don't stay put too well. I am waiting for her to sneeze one day and them go flying out of the mouth. anyhow, yes older people do lose the sense of certain tastes and with dementia one minute they want one thing but later not so much. all you can do is buy the sweets and let them in the house, for fruits.....i would buy just little amounts (like 3 bananas, or 2 pears, or small container of watermelon) for her......or buy bigger amount, take out just little amounts for her and you use the rest for your family. my mother i don't think eats much even though she claims she is eating all day........yeah probably 1/2 cup now........1/2 about 2 hours later and so on which is good in a way. I wish you luck.......and vent away.

My mom is exactly the same. It's very frustrating.

Kim,

As you already know, it's not bad behavior, it's dementia!

My Aunt wouldn't eat what I cooked, but she was eating cream puffs that had been expired for 2 years !!

There simply is NO rhyme or reason with dementia!!
That person you used to know is no longer there!
The brain is broken!!

God bless you in this journey!!

Make sure that you take care of yourself!!😘

As for your break. If you don't have anyone to help you, try the County Office on Aging or perhaps your doctor's office can direct you to whatever your county calls it. Mine occasionally has a grant to pay for sitters for a few hours. The Alzheimer's Society might be able to help too.

There a many great tips above: making a shopping list; do not buy all things requested or get very small portions, if possible; and make sure she her weight is good.

I struggle with the eating habits (borderline an eating disorder) of my 78 year old mother. Her personal chef, my father (he was an artists, but learned to cook for both of them overtime), died a year ago. What I realize is I can not fix or change her eating habits. All we can do is let go, and be present for them.

Imho, elders eat very little, especially an elder with dementia. Do not continue purchase the items that she doesn't eat. Keep it simple.

One thing I didn’t see mentioned was the psychological aspect of there being treats in the house.
My DH and DD, both claim to “need” to know they have chocolate in reserve. They might not eat it, but it makes them feel better just knowing if they want it, it’s there. I don’t count this as wasteful per se. It fills a purpose. An emotional hunger.
Another thing you might try is bringing her flowers. My DH aunt, was a flower gardener in younger years. She loves for us to bring her flowers. Again, it fills a different need from the food but isn’t as stressful and still allows her to feel pampered.
We have lucked out for several months now in that aunt is really enjoying the little “cuties”. They are easy to peel. She will peel and eat several every day. We keep them by her chair. So if she gets bored, it’s a little something to do while watching tv.
Pay attention to her weight and her bloodwork. As long as everything is stable, you are good.

Hey Kim! Maybe instead of running out and getting these special requests, say “Ill put it on the shopping list” and that way it doesn’t seem like you are being dismissive. But put it in a little Separate place on your list. Before leaving say “OK, I’m going to the store and will get (Main list) is there anything else you can think of as a special treat?” If she reiterates one of the prior requests then say “Are you sure Grandma? Last time I got that you didn’t want to eat it. I’m trying to be a good steward of our resources.” And see what she says. 🤷🏼‍♀️ More than likely she’ll say “Youre right, nevermind”

All of the senses are dulled with aging. She probably takes 1 bite and it doesn’t taste like what she remembers and yearns for. Nonetheless, so frustrating for you.

I experience the same thing with my 95 year old mother who now lives with me. When she lived in a care facility, she used to complain about the food all the time. I would poke a little fun at her and tell her the cook doesn't realize what a sophisticated palette she has and that all these old people she lived with needed bland food. Now she lives with me, and I feel the pressure of trying to fix food that suits her.
I find that disconnecting and ignoring many of her requests keeps me less angry and frustrated. She has actually told me she just wants conversation and doesn't really want much of what she asks for.
My situation goes beyond food....she is a catalog shopper and is constantly wanting to buy more...whether it be shoes, clothes, paint supplies, even food - much of it eventually goes back. Right now I'm working on returning a set of art DVDs that she had to have. There were 6 DVDs. She watched 1 and said she didn't like them. It all makes me very weary.
Some of my friends think it's party dementia. I truly believe it is just my mother being my mother. I told her the other day she was a DIVA...and she agreed.
It is so difficult. I worry that once she is gone I will feel guilty for not being more patient and understanding with her.
There are no easy answers. It's such a balancing act between taking the best care of a loved one and keeping your own sanity. There are many suggestions here that will work...choose what will work to help you keep peace with yourself.
God Bless....I will pray for you.

You know how they say you should never lend money to a person unless it genuinely wouldn't bother you not to get it back? (then if you do, it's a pleasant surprise, and if you don't you won't mind).

Anyway. I'd take that and translate it into: don't get your grandmother these additional snacks and treats and special orders unless you're content for her not to eat them. I don't know, but maybe if you only get ones you like too - you could eat them? :) As for ones you don't like and can't use, unless they're of tremendous nutritional value and therefore worth the gamble, you might consider promising to "get it next time, I'll make a note."

Sometimes I eat dinner or lunch with my mom at the senior residence.

Then I go get something to eat down the road. The portions they serve are for a canary.

why? That's really all they want. One lady just has a cup of hot chocolate for dinner every night. Hey, it's milk...

One solution? Leave something nutritious around that she can eat whenever she wants. Nuts, dried fruit, protein bars, cookies....

Lower the bar!!!!!!!!!!

Good luck!

When I called the Alzheimer's Hotline, they eventually and nicely told me that my mother's bad behavior didn't seem like Alzheimer's. They told me that for some people with personality disorders the personality gets worse with age. Just a thought if you want to look at past patterns of behavior.

My Mom took care of her mother and all she would want was popsicles! lol Mom would make her milkshakes with the Ensure a lot too. I'm almost into 6 years of caring for my Mom who is now in a Nursing home another state away. I send her "snack boxes" and they purchase her Soda's. Mom has and I guess always will be a "snacker." No big meals for her. Due to the dementia and Parkinson's she doesn't stay still very long at all. So thankful for the patience and dedication to the staff at her NH for guiding her back to her real food when it's served. I agree with everyone else.. at this point, let them have whatever it is they want. I'll miss buying snack boxes one day but for right now, it makes me happy to know I'm still able to do something to make her happy and smile.

Going through the same thing! Make three meals only to find she has left them to mold and I am throwing out,after working.. don’t bang your head, it’s the only one you got! Find ways to humor yourself to keep your sanity....mine has constant headaches because she skips lunch, only eats what she wants(sweets mostly) ....:let it go, give it up to God

My mother and aunt are doing the same things. I used to cook more for them but it was so frustrating when they said I made too much, tired of it and no longer ate the dish they requested or threw it out. That cured me. I would have been happy and in the past prepared anything they asked for.

Mom enjoys her frozen dinners and aunt gets pre cooked food from grocery. Mom sits down with cartons of ice cream all day anyway. Both have dementia.
I cook for my husband and daughter that I live with!

Don't kill yourself because my experience is week to week their tastes change.

I go through both fridges each week. We have an agreement with family members or CG who cook to label and date it. We have started putting food in very small single serve containers since they eat little at a time.

Why is everyone so afraid to just say no, or not cater to every whim? I’m curious, not judging.

It’s true that somewhere deep into dementia or Alzheimer’s our loved ones really can’t and won’t eat much. It becomes tough to swallow and doesn’t even taste good anymore. When a person is beginning the process of transitioning their body is preparing for what comes next, physically, spiritually and mentally (to the extent they can). At least your mom has choice and is being heard and responded to when you make what she’s asked for. You sound like a good daughter. It’s ok to get frustrated-it’s tough on all parties. Hang in there!

She probably can't remember what she asked you for from one minute to the next. Maybe ice cream would work for the sweet tooth. It wouldn't go bad, as it's in the freezer. You can get little ice cream cups in individual servings. Or try getting just one of whatever she asks for, if it can spoil. My mother with advanced dementia now has to eat only soft foods, and she has to be fed. She just eats what is fed to her until she's had enough. With my aunt, who also had dementia, I often had to go through her refridgerator to throw out the food that was spoiled. She also said she wanted fresh fruit, but didn't eat it when I got it for her, or maybe had just a little bit. Try not to be angry. She can't help it. Her mind is declining.

Soutdated to me you know everything about it so like you say, at 94 she deserves to eat or not eat whatever she wants.

Be happy she eats p&j sandwiches and drinks ensure as that will definitely keep her alive.

She asks for different things because her mind thinks about what she use to like to eat.

Just put it in the freezer like she says or take it home to eat.

Continue to buy what she requests and keep her happy and feeling loved.

Also, let her requests for the next item to be requested several times before you run out to get it because after all, by the time you bring it back, she's forgotten that she asked for it.

Stop killing yourself over food. What you discern as passive aggressive behavior is just a very broken mind. She isn't doing this to manipulate you; she just says one thing and does something else that is very different. Stick to what she'll eat. Offer 1-2 bites of other food you will eat anyway. Don't ask what she wants anymore, just put it on a plate and say "here is a treat for you." Don't get stressed if she rejects the offer.

Are we related?!?!?
Seriously, my heart goes out to you.
good suggestions have been posted. You obviously have good skills, or you wouldn’t be venting. You’ve tried it all, it sounds like.
My MIL is so very picky it’s insane. She’s also a very domineering control person all her life. She’s also sweet, kind, and I love her to bits.
You are right, sometimes sweets is all they can taste.
Personally I learned to use the phrase “OK” a lot! It avoids the power struggle.
I offer her meals that I cook and take. I give her foods she liked in the past and remind her that it’s one of her favorites. If she eats it, ok. If she doesn’t, ok. But she has healthy food offered.
She dropped significant weight, but we can’t force feed her. She has junk food and candy all the time that she doesn’t remember eating.
Family chats help too. Knowing all are doing the best is all you can do. Remind anyone who has an opinion, or want to bash - that they are WELCOME to do differently. See how fast they shut up. 😉
Lastly, be kind to yourself. All of you are grieving - the life you had, wished you had, wanted to have, is not your reality. All we can do is what we CAN do just for today.
hugs - and if you need a pen pal - I’m here.

If any of her requests are relatively healthy foods, such as the fruit, buy only enough that you know YOU would eat, then it won't go to waste if she decides she doesn't want it. If you give her food, such as the PBJ or ensure, put some on a plate for yourself and sit down to eat it with her. Perhaps she might ask for some. Put a few pieces on a plate and see if she takes it. The pastry might not be good for you, but if cut up into fairly small portions and frozen, perhaps putting a couple out to thaw, then putting them on the table, she might take them. A little bit now and then won't hurt you, if she doesn't eat them. At meals or snack time, a plate with a couple of cookies and maybe a little candy can be put out, let her take them or not.

In the lead up to moving mom to MC, brothers were there. OB isn't local, so he came up earlier and good thing because she "bruised" her leg, developed cellulitis and needed wound care and antibiotics. He tried to get her to eat a banana, and she refused. HE got irate and said some nasty things in a nasty tone. She replied in kind! Other brother cut the banana up and presented it to her, and she ate it. I wasn't there, but perhaps he ate some of it as well, to encourage her to eat it (she wasn't averse to eating, by any means!)

In MC, they give the residents choices for their meals. Sandwiches, soup, salads for lunch (or whatever they might ask for, if they have it handy.) For dinner, choice of meat, sides, etc. I've been there when a resident is given their meal and they promptly say they didn't ask for that! It isn't clear if they just forgot they asked for these choices or if they saw what the others at the table had, or just because, but it would be so frustrating! Allowing them to make choices encourages thinking and having some "control."

At some point, however, the "control" isn't really working. They ask for this, then say they didn't want that! At that point, it might be best to put out what you KNOW she will eat, but have a little bit of other options on the table that she can take from, if she so chooses. Kind of like a mini-buffet. Keep the portions small enough that you won't waste much and/or can eat them yourself. I used to provide a meal for my kids, but hold back on mine or cut down how much was on my plate, knowing full well that all too often they don't finish. They eat half the sandwich, I can eat the rest without overeating or wasting the food.

If she still won't eat the fruit, what about the little fruit cups they sell? Most often they are in a syrup (sugar!), some use fruit juice, but the fruit tends to be softer and sweeter than real fruit. Maybe? Mom used to love those, along with frozen mac 'n cheese, other microwave dinners, graham crackers, etc. Any interest in yoghurt? They are often in small cups, and might be similar to the ensure in taste or texture.

It wasn't until after we took the car away and I had to take her shopping that I realized mom was no longer cooking (she lived alone) and I'd find the fresh items all shriveled up in the fridge. She wouldn't buy enough frozen dinners to last between trips (it was about 1.5 hours each way just to get there), so I had to ensure she bought enough. I even made meals that I could split up and freeze, but couldn't keep up the pace needed! Whatever there was for food had to be able to last for a while, not require any prep and be in an obvious location. She would put away items then forget she even had them! Loved the bran muffins, but would cut them up and freeze them, then forget they were there! I found many in the freezer after we moved her to MC, wrapped in torn up grocery bags, despite having boxes of baggies, plastic wrap, aluminum foil, etc.

Dementia is not for the faint-hearted, that's for sure!

My Mother in Law is the same. It used to make me feel terribly frustrated to have made elaborate dishes that she requested only to have her only pick at it, or wholly turn it away claiming that she didn’t want it or couldn’t eat it. It makes you question yourself. But I know I am a good cook and that the food was served with a nice appearance and with love. The short answer is that it’s a little of both. Earlier on, its depression, pickiness, passive aggression, disregard- but in a much bigger picture, it truly is disease process. Their sense of smell, and taste diminish and things don’t taste like they remember. They don’t have much caloric need, and also a markedly diminished appetite. They all eat less and less until they are eventually just taking bites and sips and eventually even that stops. My advice is to accept that early, serve what you think is healthy for her, or even what she wants if you can make yourself do it and let her determine what and how much she eats. It IS SO hard to watch them waste away when you are trying so hard, but Eventually everything you try will fail. Do what you know in your heart is best for her and disconnect from feeling it as rejection of your efforts. Good luck. It is a long road.

Some older folks don't have the same taste for food they once did. Loved raising bran, ate it all the time, then suddenly it didn't taste right. Salmon patties, tuna salad sandwich - all favorites and now doesn't eat them. Would ask for pears, but then they ruined. Started buying canned pears or those little snack sizes. Only a few on the plate and keep remainder in frig or pantry shelf.

Keep the candies/snacks on the shelf. Unless she is diabetic, at least she is getting some calories. And who wants to deprive someone of what they want? (unless jeopardy to health...and then....there are times when it really doesn't make a difference at a certain point). My great uncle smoked like a chimney. Found out he had cancer and already spread everywhere. Offered no treatment of any kind and said it was a matter of days, weeks. W/pain meds, he tried to put the IV line to his lips as if to smoke, straws on the trays, etc. I finally took him outside to smoke. He was very coherent and smoked it. Why deprive him at that point???

For the cakes she likes - get smaller portions from bakery. Cupcakes, cut them in half, freeze or refrig half. Even Walmart often has small sections of a cake. Probably costs more, but equivalent if you have to toss it.

If anyone else in the family cooks, get them to prepare you some meals from their leftovers. Small portions/meals sealed well should keep in the freezer. You aren't wasting any food and it probably food the relative would have tossed out anyway.