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My parents divorced when I was 9. I am an only child. My mom remarried and is still with my stepdad today. They have no kids together and he has no kids from previous marriage. I live about 45 minutes from them. My dad remarried two more times and was divorced from his 3rd marriage by the time I was 19 years old. I lived mostly with my dad growing up, until he moved to California when I was 18, then I went home in the summer from college and stayed with my mom and stepdad. Then I dropped out of college but I did return about 5 years later got my degree and much later got an MBA. None of my parents are college educated. I paid for most everything in my life - college after the 1st year (parents could not afford to pay any longer), my car, living on my own at 19, paying for everything. Growing up I feel like my father raised me, and I feel like my mom never really wanted to be a mom, never really seemed interested in the goings on with my life...just did not take of care of me like a mom, she was not nurturing, supportive or motherly. About 2 years ago or so my mom was diagnosed with dementia - and I would say she is now in late stages, and is no longer capable of being at home (with stepdad) and can't take of herself - she needs 24/7 care. I think my stepdad has been blind to how bad she is - she is non communicative (yes, no only, a few other words....she calls me by his name), soils herself, can't properly clean herself, etc...she has fallen once or twice but no one witnessed it - we just see all of the bruises all over her. Now she is in the hospital b/c we thought she broke a hip (she did not), had a UTI, has kidney stones. But the hospital wants to try and release her home. My stepdad and cousin (she is a social worker professionally) are trying to find her a nursing home / assisted living place. My point for bringing all of this up here - is I feel like my cousin and my stepdad are trying to guilt me into feeling bad for not doing more - I do visit her in the hospital, I spent 6 hours there on Sunday and 1.5 hours there the other day and plan to visit her tomorrow again. She is about 40 minutes from me. My point is I can't financially help in any way, plus I can't take responsibility for finding her an assisted living space. I am married and w/two stepkids here half time. I am breadwinner at home right now - I pay the mortgage, etc, and do stuff for my family. I have a 200K+ student loan bill (yep you read that right). My stepdad's only responsibility is my mom - they have been married for ~35 years. My mom retired at 55 (from a low income job) so she could then stay at home in the chair watching soap operas (that is how I recall it). I guess my stepdad supported this. Plus they did not take care of themselves physically - don't exercise or have the best diets. When my stepdad's mom need care/caretaker - his sister took over that - she was of sound mind and pretty capable of taking care of herself until she died in her late 80s. But I will be working until I am 80+ to take care of myself and my husband (I am trying to save for retirement for the both of us...he does not have it; he owns his own construction business). Plus I am going to need to take care of my dad - he has no one else (no other kids, no nieces, no wife to help). I feel resentful that the comments at me are intended to make be feel guilty. I am resentful and angry, at both my stepdad and mom (for different reasons). Do I have a right to be???

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Feelings are not about rights.
They are how a person feels.
The question is: Are you able to reframe how you understand your situation to feel compassion and set boundaries? I believe often a person 'feels angry due to being unable to assert themselves and set boundaries' - to then not deal with feeling guilty or other feelings.
Key is to be aware of how you feel. Take care of yourself. The only way you can take care of another is when you take care of yourself first.
You may have deep rooted triggers / wounding to feel as you do. I would encourage you to get into counseling / therapy to understand how you feel and what you need to do or will choose to do for all concerned.

Gena / Touch Matters
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If you are "non-communicado," you will not hear any judgements. Encourage them to place your mom in Memory Care and send the information to you. You can visit, or not, on your own terms (and alone).
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Yes you have the right to get angry. I have talked to people and they said we are only human. We also know when we can’t take care of our loved ones like they need to be taken care of. My mother in law lives with us and with her Medicare it’s still not enough to get her in some facilities and the one facility we can afford there is no openings. Yes we are only human and do not understand this disease. My mil refuses to think she needs our help and thinks we are out for her money. She talks like she has millions! Yes my husband and I are power of attorney over her stuff but we use the money to pay for her doctor visits, adult daycare and hopefully a nursing facility soon. She fights with us on everything like getting a bath and dressing. She doesn’t even know she’s in the world 90% of the time. She talks jibberish and we try to do what we can without her hitting us or throwing stuff or spiting on us or cussing us out. We are so overwhelmed and stressed out we think she will be better in a facility. We have talked to a hospice doctor and nurse and they are suppose to be helping us get her in a facility but it seems like they are dragging their feet. She has gotten so bad we have had to call our emergency system 911 and they take her to the hospital but the PET team releases her because she is calm there. It’s like we are some kind of trigger for her. I am sorry you are being made to feel guilty. It’s easy to feel this way. This disease carries a lot of feelings of guilt. We are just human and we have to take care of ourselves also.
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Wow! Really interesting anger. Young lady, my mother had dementia and I take care of her plus my family. Thanks God my husband is very understanding in that area. From what I am reading, you feel resentment towards your mother for various reasons. I am not saying that you have a right to feel this way; however, your mother whether good or bad, will always be your mother. I don't care what she did or didn't do, she is still your mother and that's a powerful role. Do not disrespect your mother for your selfishness. You are taking care of your husband and doing all the "family stuff" but don't want to do anything beside go to hospital to visit.

I really do have a problem with that because I have that same problem in my family with my siblings, but I don't ask them to do anything for mother because in the end, God will judge them, not me. Yes, I struggle, yes, I cry but I know God got me. Mom and I were not always the closest but she is the best mom that I can have.. I thank God for blessing me with her and I will continue to take care of her forever.
Just pray and ask GOD for deliverance and be ready for the truth!!!!!!
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PeggySue2020 Jan 2022
Teresadowns,
Just because it's working out for YOU to take care of Mom doesn't mean you can guilt people coming in here for help, "young" lady. Oh, and prayers.

OP's spending a lot of time at the hospital as it is, and after that the mom is to go into a NH/AL. No, it's not on her to pay money toward her mother's care, that is what her own money, presumably controlled by stepdad, is for. If there's no money, then that is what Medicaid is for and there's a social worker in the family to help navigate this.

There is really little for OP to do here regarding her mom's situation anyway. Why are you guilting her?
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Curious, but one time you call yourself the breadwinner..say your husband does not have the where with all to help with retirement and finances and will need to work till you're over 80. Then later you say he just now started putting money into retirement, like a day later. How'd that happen.
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MichelleLeeR: Imho, you are not responsible to care for your mother physically and most certainly NOT financially.
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You are not responsible for your parent's. They were to save money as they worked to care for them as they age. Visiting and helping how you choose is all that you should feel responsible for. Do not let them guilt trip you. You could call & express your concerns about her going back home. Maybe he needs to file for Medicaid so that she can be placed before she goes home. Once discharged from hospital the road for placement is difficult. It is not for you to do, he needs to do what is expected of him as her husband. You are responsible for your family & self.
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I feel resentful that the comments at me are intended to make be feel guilty.
* You are interpreting comments made as you FEEL guilty. No one can make you feel any specific way. If 10 people are in a room with the same common denominator, there likely will be 10 different responses - why? Because we are are triggered or wired based on our individual background, upbringing, wounding, psychological, emotional - combinations.
* The question you might want to pose is "why do I feel guilty" and realize that only you can change how you feel.
* Some part of these interactions / relationships are triggering you. If you are able to understand 'the why,' you may come closer to releasing the hold others' comments / opinions / intentions / perceptions have - you let it go saying (to yourself: this is how they feel, it has nothing to do with me or how I feel).
- From my point of view, this doesn't necessarily absolve a person from taking responsibility for their part in a situation. Still, in order to do this - you need to come to the table as a whole person so you can more humbly and objectively 'see' the big picture. And not allow others to dump on you.

As I say "you teach others how to treat you" - while this may not be specific to the discussion / point here, how you respond to them may - likely play into how they approach / communicate with you. In other words, if you 'put your foot down,' they may back down.

I am resentful and angry, at both my stepdad and mom (for different reasons).
Do I have a right to be?

The red flag here is that you are asking us if you have a right be feel - as you feel.
* You feel as you feel, right, wrong, good, bad, indifferent. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' feelings are feelings. Period. And feelings are triggered or emerge as they do based on how you feel about yourself, your unfinished emotional and other business (onging inner work).

* You equally have 'a right' to do as you please even if it is difficult (due to your conflicting feelings muddled with guilt). Not only do you have 'the right,' you have the OBLIGATION to yourself to feel self-respect and self-love --- not to mention, ackowledging yourself for all you did all your life - on your own, being successful, having a husband / family - and taking on all that financial responsibility.

* I hope that you give yourself a huge break (and a huge self-hug). Learn to love yourself as you would have appreciated / wanted to be loved as a child. Many of us need to learn to love ourselves unconditionally. I recall about 30+ years ago when I realized that a part of me had to (wanted to/became aware of) be the loving mother to myself that I never had . . . because she didn't have this inside her to extend to me. She was broken and didn't work on herself. Woman didn't do that in the 50s esp if not educated and as my mom, cross-eyed and poor at age 16.

Take care of you for your rainy day and when you want / need to take care of your own dad.

I would strongly suggest therapy to deal with your inner pulls / conflicts.
I learned in counseling training (psychosynthesis) to see myself - the situation on a tv screen ... and then seeing myself change the channel. It is time you change the channel.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Well Done for coping on your own for a longtime! I've had a couple of selfish parents who thought nothing but about themselves. As your stepdad is still around then I think it is his duty to sort out things with your mum. Don't feel guilty. You have enough on your plate. I should talk to a counselor about the guilt feelings. Maybe they are not trying to make you feel guilty, they are trapped in a situation & probably hoping for some help as desperation to prevent your mum going in a home. It sounds like she does need assisted living so maybe you need to get together & try & talk this through. Hope everything gets sorted.best wishes
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You have taken the first steps to address your problem with your cousin and step dad by writing this question and narrative. They are not going to change. You just need to manage how you feel about them. If you are not the POA or guardian then you do not have any legal obligation to take care of your mother. Since you know that you are doing the best you can for your mother, and do not want to do more and/or cannot do more, there is nothing to feel guilty about. Proceed as you deem appropriate, but make sure your mother’s situation is satisfactory for you, that’s all you need to do.
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Seems you have a lot of resentment toward both of your parents. Please spend your money on some counselling for yourself and get to a place of peace about your childhood.

Your responsibility as as an adult child is to make sure your parents are cared for. In the USA, you do not have to pay for it or to do the caregiving yourself. Just make sure she is placed somewhere that her needs can be met.
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 2022
Actually it is NOT the adult child's responsibility. It IS the current spouse's responsibility. Since they are the legal next of kin and have ALL the authority, unless a DPOA and/or DMCPOA was named.

We should be willing to help, if needed, but, there is no obligation, legally or otherwise. Not when they have a living spouse.
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I’m not sure anyone has a ‘right’ to be resentful and angry, but they are emotions we experience. I’ve had similar thoughts and feelings towards my mother. Mum has always treated me as if my sole role in life was to alleviate her anxiety or discomfort and do the practical/physical work she didn’t enjoy. I took on a caretaking role from around the age of 9. Mum has also been very clear
to point out that her life is her life and I have no right to ‘interfere’. I too have felt resentment and fury that now she is in her 80’s and has no friends left willing to put up with her difficult behaviour, that I am her sole carer. My brother and I are estranged - my mother has pit us against each other in order to get attention for decades and told blatant untruths about the other, I’m only just realising. I would say get clear what you are willing to take on. I no longer pick up the bill, although I took over her finances some years ago and was astonished to discover she was not living in penury, but has an adequate income, if managed right. She is now solvent and can afford the things she needs to live comfortably. I have given myself permission to provide the care I want to, given my values, but also to get external care support. One thing I realised is that no one knows how abusive my mother has been to me throughout my life, apart from my husband. Also, that continually trying to please a narcissistic parent means this is an impossible and hopeless goal which has blighted my otherwise lovely life and been detrimental to my own mental health. Consider taking a step back, what support do you feel able/want to offer, without resentment or anger? Offering anything else may leave you unfit to offer anything at all, not only to your Mum, but anyone else either, especially yourself. Trying to get the approval/good opinion of people who are not important to you is a waste of your energy and life and will ultimately leave you feeling unfulfilled and empty or frustrated. Even if you gain their approval, what will it give you if you don’t value them? We can’t be liked by everyone, and many people will put their agenda way above your well being. Make your own choice carefully, based on your values, and you probably won’t feel so angry and resentful. Anger is a useful emotion - it signals your boundaries are being crossed, so perhaps don’t ignore it. Sending good wishes and encouragement - set yourself free from the weight of opinion of people you don’t love or respect.
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isabella4 Jan 2022
Thank you Kate! Your quote of freeing oneself from the weight of opinion of people is very empowering. Growing up in a foreign family, I too struggled with being the scapegoat and being "the girl" in the family with all the obligations and responsibilities that came with it . I never gave it a thought that I had a choice in the matter.
I have realized though after much thought that I CAN choose to be the caretaker of my mom and appease everyone else or I could choose to love my mom, when the time comes, from afar. The choice one makes is different for each one of us. I choose rather to spend the time, effort, and self care to empower myself, live as healthy as possible ( mentally, physically, and emotionally) so that I do not follow in her footsteps and become bitter and a obligation or burden on my own children. I have chosen to let this weight stop with me.
I understand that bad things happen to people in their lifetime. Few of us get through without anything bad. It is how one responds to what happens to us. We cannot fully control our future, however we can have a good mindset and self-love to be our best so when the time comes that we are no longer able to take care of ourselves, we have already been a gift to our family..
I want my children to WANT to take care of me when I am old and can no longer care for myself. I also want my children to feel free to choose whether they do or not. Ultimately, my welfare is my responsibility.
I love it that I see my dad with his grandchildren desiring to spend time with him in his last days. It is to me the ultimate compliment of having been a good fair and respected person. I really admire him and I feel honored to be his caretaker.
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Many of us also struggle with less than loving parents and all sorts of drama. If you are not your mom's POA, someone else is responsible for finding care. CHildren are not required to pay for their parents expenses or debts. I am POA and have had better boundaries than my sister , who seemed to take the bulk of the verb damage. I would not dream of asking her to step in and helping. I'm thrilled my sister has told me what furniture she wants from the house. I recently placed mom in AL because of dementia. Lots of flu and viruses going around have restricted visitation, thankfully.
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TouchMatters Jan 2022
If she wants to find care or a care facility, this would be her decision. It sounded to me like she has set a boundary for herself (good) in offering to do what she wants and can. I didn't get it that she feels it is her responsibility - more so of how she can make a contribution that she wants to make.
Yes, I couldn't see a client in memory care today due to pandemic. Not a good time anywhere. We or I need to find the peace within as I can. Meditation helps. I just need to do it more often. Gena
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Our emotions, especially anger, tell us where we need boundaries. You need not explain yourself to others. I learned the hard way that other people’s thoughts (about me) are none of my business. They didn’t walk in my shoes. I could talk myself blue in the face and some will never get it. I no longer attempt to prove my worth to insensitive people. Reading Brene Brown’s work was supportive in my process.

Decide what your boundaries are and don’t waste your energy expecting others to understand. There’s a wonderful book entitled Boundary Boss by Teri Cole. Her free videos could empower you to set limits and not get caught in codependent behaviors that will make you exhausted.

Also, a therapist could help you understand how you became the adult far too early and how that burden can haunt adult relationships. We are not responsible for other’s choices nor should we martyr ourselves to our family.

Do what is within your emotional, financial & physical limits so that you can be a peace. Other’s peace is theirs to find. You can have empathy without causing self harm. You can decide which parts you can do and decline the rest.

As they say, don your own oxygen mask before you put yours on someone else.” This process with your mother’s health decline could be an opportunity to heal old stories and learn to love yourself more.

Learning self care is not selfish. It is necessary and healthy. Ultimately, this journey is about you loving you. You are worth it. Even if nobody told you as a child that you mattered, you do. I wish you strength and I send you loving kindness as you navigate this difficult passage.
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Kate2608 Jan 2022
Similar to my experience/response, but more eloquently put! :)
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You do not have to explain your feelings to anyone! They are yours alone and do not accept guilt for problems that are not yours.

Sounds to me that you are doing what you need to for your family.

Eventually your dad may need help but you are not obligated to anyone else.

Maybe cut the hospital visits a bit shorter.

Take care of yourself.
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My God you have every right and reason to walk away and never look back. You took care of yourself, she was never a real mother, and never did anything to care or prepare for themselves. People like this deserve NOTHING from others....what they reap, they sow and now they are dumping on you. What nerve they have? They don't want the responsibility or did anything - well, that is their problem. You continue to look after YOU and your own family. Tell the medical people that no matter what happens you cannot and will not take her home - they can't dump her even though they will tell you all kinds of things. DO NOT GIVE IN TO ANYONE - no, no, no. Let them find a solution without you in the picture. Live your life and walk away while you can.
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Let your step dad take care of her she is not your problem . Create a healthy boundary and only visit when you can . Doesn’t sound like you want to be involved so don’t . Concentrate on your own life .
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Caregiving is much more than a full time job. It is 24/7. I did it for a year for my mother with Alzheimer's. Even if you have help 8 hours a day, YOU are still "on duty" the next 16 hours. And if the aide calls in sick and the agency can't find a replacement, then YOU are it! I did the grocery shopping, prepared all her meals, gave her a snack at night, picked up her medications, doctor visits, bills, and medicare paperwork. Not to mention that I slept with one eye open because she would get up several times a night. And God help you if she falls or hurts herself or has any ache or pain. Then the caregiving is doubled! I love my mother, but I had no life when she lived with me. I work from home and have no kids and it was still impossible. Mom is now in a nursing facility. She actually likes it better because there are lots of other people around and they have activities. At my house she just watched TV all day. Once she didn't know me as her daughter I felt ok about moving her. Now all I have to do is check on her every day to make sure she's clean, fed and happy. Best of luck to you.
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NinjaWarrior3 Jan 2022
Wow. Your situation sounds exactly like mine.
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Yes. You have the right to feel every and anything. It is amazing how the neglect etc disappears from every one else’s minds when these situations occur. Do what you can when you can. It is the step father’s responsibility first. You can help as you see fit.

In the end and before her end, make peace w the situation and what has happened in your life. Do not let it consume you. She’s not able to acknowledge or apologize at this point. She is/was who she is. Maybe find a counselor or pastor who can help you sort out these feelings so it doesn’t hamper your future. You need support and peace.
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You're not wrong about your father and cousin guilting you. That's exactly what they're doing.
You don't have to force feelings and emotions that aren't there to please other people. Clearly you and your mother did not have a close relationship. That is not your fault. It's her fault. She wasn't always an invalid. From what you say here she didn't make all that much effort in the days when she wasn't an elderly invalid and that would have been the time when she should have made some effort for a good relationship with you her child.
Please tell your cousin and father that no person can ever expect to get from others what they were never willing to give themselves.
You don't get what you don't give. They need to understand this and you need to let their totally ridiculous and unfounded guilt-trips get to you.
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You are overthinking the "guilt" thing. Let it go. Anger hurts only one person -YOU. Have an open, honest conversation with your family. and since you can't be a financial support, are you willing to be an emotional one? At this point in time, the only really important thing is getting your mother the care she needs. Just focus (and help where you can) on this one part. Once your Mom is settled in a good care facility, visit when you can. Please remain in close contact with your cousin and father-in-law, for mutual advice and support - after all - you are all connected, and in the long run, I think you will be glad you did.
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Wow wee. Thats a lot. To the point, time for your step Dad to take on all that. Your Mom won't be able to go to AL as it's assisted, not full time care and changing diapers/underclothes. That's not going to be an option. The hospital needs to release her to a NH and that's it. For you personally, you say you're the family bread winner..then say your husband has his own construction company BUT can't help with saving for the future. What's up with that. If his "construction company" isn't producing income or sufficient income, I'd say there really is no company. With the building market so hot in most places, how can you say you own a construction company that isn't making money. Your Mom should be moved to a NH, your step Dad can visit every day. But you sound like there are bigger problems in life than your Mom's final living accommodations. I knew a lady, a teacher, whose husband had a "business" in town. It never made any money, she had to help cover bills. This went on for about eight years. He spent most of the day having friends shoot the breeze. It ended only when he got caught with another woman, a well known habit except apparently to his wife. When she divorced, he still got half of her retirement and she had to buy out his half of the home. I tell you this only as a cautionary tale. Take charge of your life, find out why your husband's "company" its helping with finances. Let your Dad have your Mom moved. He may be out of shape but I assume his brain is still functioning. A spouse asking kids to make the decisions about his wife's care? Good grief.
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Debstarr53 Jan 2022
You addressed the elephant in the room, and added good advice.
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You'll only feel guilty to the extent that you yourself think you should be more involved in your mother's care. When you accept that you are willing to offer only so much help and contact, you will not feel guilty about what you are not doing and you won't need others to validate your decision. Your struggle is within yourself in coming to terms with your limits
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tidalblue Jan 2022
This is an underrated comment with immense wisdom in it.

Acceptance of our own limits is probably the most difficult and most important aspect of caregiving, and the one from which most other feelings stem.
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Well, with a life like yours, do you have a reason for resentment and anger? I should say so!

But are you sure your cousin intends to make you feel guilty for not doing more? I assume she knows the backstory. My guess would be that she thinks there isn't much time for you to make things okay with your mother and she doesn't want *you* to miss out.

Doesn't make your cousin right, of course, but it's another possibility behind her comments.

As for stepdad, as for funding your mother's care - [rude word deleted]. What's stopping your stepdad making decisions on your mother's behalf? He's her next of kin, not you. And cash-strapped children (by which I mean most standard income people) are NOT responsible for their parents' financial planning.

Er. That also applies to your Dad, though, by the way. This is a man who ripped through three marriages in two decades (and dropped you flat on your face at 18) and now has nobody? I wonder why. Care about him, of course, by all means, and give him what support you feel able to. But do not sacrifice yourself to his mistakes.

I do not mean to apportion blame. Quite apart from the fact that of course I do not know either of your parents and can't form an opinion, even those with better information would do well to hold back. But what you yourself can certainly judge is what resources you feel able to offer without injury to yourself or your husband or your future, whether that's time or work or any other kind of input.
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Michelle, can you get the information for stepdad for his local Medicaid office.

I would be proactive, "hey SD, I know you are worried about how you and mom are going to pay for things, so here is the number for the local agency that can provide assistance. Call them and get this started, it could take a bit of time, so you really need to call and get the ball rolling for your own peace of mind."

If he isn't asking for money, I would treat his words as venting and not passive aggressive hints.

I have to be really mindful of how I read what is being said, I don't do subtle and unless someone is outright asking, I take it as a vent and someone just sharing information, because I am always wrong in what I think they are trying to say. This has really helped me not get worked up about what I think they are trying to say. It might be helpful for you to try.
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All you can do is all you can do. Right now you do not feel that you can effectively take on the role of caretaker. (regardless of all the other stuff)


My name here is Party of One. I too am an only child, divorced and not as able to work as I need to be because I am dealing with my mother. She fell/broke hip a month ago, did well in a stint to rehab, but is failing miserably once she got home. Like in three days miserably. My vote was assisted living from the get go but relented to give her a chance. I was right and she is back in the hospital as we type being assessed for placement. Here's the catch...everybody always looks at you, judges you and makes comments if you are not ALL IN on the keep mom at home REGARDLESS team. You life is your situation and its not up to everybody else to decided how much of caregiving you can handle. I had requirements before I would even consider having mother back home to rehab....and she's declined to the point that its not sustainable for me. Or her.

You don't have "that type" of relationship with your mother...and that's okay. And honestly, her not being a "mother" is okay too..,difficult for the child who needs more, but not every woman is cut out to be a mother. Mine really would not be considered warm and fuzzy....I can't recall even hugging her after age five. She's just not that gal. It is what it is.

I would simply state and repeat, I'm sorry but she needs much more care than I can help with and I don't have the level of expertise needed to deal with. Of course, they are hoping someone will pitch in....and you just can't be that person.
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Michelle, do mom and stepdad have Medicaid?

What costs are he concerned about?
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"I most likely have them (Medicaid vs Medicare) confused. We are in Virginia, and they will cover rehab for 99 days as long as she shows progress, as I understand. "

Better check that out. Are you sure there isn't a copay for the days not covered 100% (20 days)?
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Michelle, please clarify for yourself and your family the difference between MediCAID and MediCARE.

It is likely Medicare that will provide mom with rehab for 20 days at 100% of the cost IF she is cooperative and making progress.

Best to get her into a facility that does rehab but that will accept her as a LTC skilled nursing patient if she doesn't progress, so that you don't need to move her again. Thus was probably the best advice we were given by discharge planning.
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MJ1929 Jan 2022
MediCal is California's Medicaid program.
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This is how I look at it. Cousin is a SW and should be able to find your Mom a Long term facility placement with Medicaid paying if Mom and StepDad have no money. She also knows what resources are out there. There is no reason you need to put out any money. A small % of Moms Social Security will go to a Personal Needs Trust and can be used for her personal needs. My state its $50 some States more. You have all good reasons why you can't be involved other than Mom not being there for you. Your stepdad is responsible for Mom. You do what ur are comfortable with. Guilt is self-inflicted. No is a one word sentence.
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