I'm caring for my husband with dementia, and HIS children are bossing me around in our home. What are my rights?

Sloegin, there are couple of things here you don't mention....what are your feelings toward your husband and how do you and the cousin (POA) get along? The answer to the first question can mean a lot in helping you decide what to do. It is your home and didn't you say your name is on the deed? Do any of these children still live in the home? If not, then tell them they are no longer welcome and when they want to visit with their father, then you will arrange that, but on your terms! How often does the cousin see your husband? Would he be willing to turn POA over to you? Start keeping a journal of events, interactions with his children, other caregivers etc, include dates if possible. Hire an attorney and it probably would not be difficult to have everything prior declared null and void and you then would be made his guardian.
Try this......stand in front of a mirror and see yourself staring back, stand tall and straight and look at yourself and say "NO, I will not allow myself to be treated like a doormat anymore. I am strong and I have a job to do and NO ONE will keep me from doing it. This is MY home and I will live the way I want to". Tell the brats to take a hike, you don't owe them anything. My heart goes out to you and this awful situation you are in.......please keep us posted on how you are doing.

Call an ambulance send him to the hospital. Sorry - he can't come home. He is too large to care for at hime with his medical conditions. His dementia is worsening. Keep (or make) a list of other's involvement in his care or visits to the home. Talk with a good eldercare attorney. Seek guardianship - it trumps POA - and if you are the wife, had prior access and current care you should be granted it. Tell the cousin flat out if he fights you - then your husband will be moving into HIS home for the care. Ultimately you can threaten divorce and get your 'half' before it is spent on his care or by the rest of the family. That would force the sale of the home and gain your half of the asset and your freedom. (1) I gain a lot of comfort and control by brainstorming about what I MIGHT do - what I COULD do (2) I rebalance the scales of power when I exercise my right to DISCUSS these options with family who are trying to make my decisions for me. You are only as helpless as you allow yourself to be. It is hard. I used to have to fight the family of my father inlaw's 3rd wife's children for basic common sense things. Once I actually laid out my options as I saw them - including what I knew about some of the financial transactions they were involved in we all get along just fine...

I dealt with step-brats just prior to my husband passing. They trully gave me the dickens. I finally told them off in no uncertain terms. They kept tring to under mind every thing I was doing to help him . We were married for twenty years so I feel my rights out trumped theirs. He was married to me not them. I would have appreciated their help, but it was not forthcoming. They were to worried about what they were going to get. I did what was needed for my peace of mind and the well being of my husband. Otherwords take charge and kick you know what. Its your home and husband they are only kids. Their rights are secondary to you. GOOD LUCK

And as soon as you can get him to an assisted living home with a memory care unit. It sounds like he is not being taken care of properly by the sitters. We are now talking about bowel movement in the bed, this type of care is a huge issue now, It has become hard work for you, physical, and unhealthy for all. It is too much for one person like yourself to do, especially with the misstreatment from the "children". It would cost less to get professional help at an assisted living facility that has specific care for him. Then you can peacefully visit and leave when you are ready. This does not mean you do not care. It would be because you do care. What would he of wanted, before he got sick? What do you need for yourself? Please don't destroy yourself also, by trying to be super human.
Check around. I now have my mother at a Brookdale facility and I cannot even tell you how much they have done for her. It has been wonderful. And my mom was at 3 other places before this.

Sloe, I can already see you standing taller. Act like it is your house? IT IS YOUR HOUSE!!!!!!! Keep track of everything..all visits from daughters and POA, an attorney should be able to get medical records to prove what the doctor ordered for your husband's care and what is now being done are not in his best interest. One thing to keep in mind is that you may be looking at your husband every day, but it is no longer the man you married. Dementia is an ugly disease and causes our loved ones to lash out at us at times or to become forgetful.....the symptoms we see are endless. I care for my mother-in-law in her home, which is attached to our home. She has dementia which I would classify as moderate at this time.....she has a retention span of about 5 min, is in diapers and unable to realize when she needs changing, I have to bathe her twice a week, most times she is very sweet but if you tell her to do something she doesn't like she will argue and sometimes scream that she wants to die. It is hard for my husband to see his momma this way so I do 99% of her daily care. We just recently changed her medication and put her on Aricept and Cymbalta daily. She seems to have calmed down a lot and not as argumentative. Is your husband on medication for the dementia? That is something you might want to be aware of which may be causing him to lash out at you at times.
Do you care what his daughters say? Nope, you're too strong to let them beat you down. You're keeping a journal on the times they call, stop by, help, etc. They need to call and request a time to visit....nothing says you have to allow them in to disrupt his routine and yours for that matter. You are doing what is best for your husband. Routine is a requirement of dementia! If they stop by and are disruptive.....document!
And how about a different room for hubby that is more convenient for his care? MOVE HIM....remember it is your home too and no one can tell you what to do in your own home....that includes POA, bratty children, care givers.
Please come back and let me know how things are going....Hugz to you and I hope you have a peaceful night.

I'm glad you're feeling stronger.....this is a tough job we are doing. We have several hospice groups in our area....had to have one for my mom who passed away the end of December and I plan on using them with mil when that time comes. We have a little bit of an advantage in that hubby is a physician and I am a retired paramedic; hubby is technically retired also, so we are home pretty much all the time, except for our Vegas trips 2 or 3 times a year. Right now we are using a woman I used to work with to come in and care for mil when we go away....she loves the elderly and will do a good job. She took care of her own father for 10 yrs after he had a stroke and having worked with her, she is an emt, I feel real comfortable with her.
Have you talked with the equipment people that originally set up the bed? Maybe they would come and move it for you. You sound like you are at the end of your rope and it's starting to pull at you. Perhaps you might think about taking a little time away for yourself, but only after you have made it clear to the daughters what you expect and have laid some ground rules. Would love to be a little mouse in your pocket when you let them know they are not going to push you around anymore!
Going to call it a night and head for bed......sleep well and have a peaceful night....Hugz!

right on jam ! i agree , kick them bratty in the hindend . let em know whos the boss !
yes move hur hubby s room away from the kitchen lol .
my dad has dementia too , i got so used him hollarin all times , sometimes i dont even hear it , when i do hear it he s asleep , so whatever . dementia theyre mind goes back to a kiddy mind . gotta point ur fingers at him sometimes and a big hug afterwards , sometimes its best just to go outside and smell the fresh air while pa s in the house all waaa waaaa waaaaaaa . he does that for no reason . i made sure he s dry and fed and comfertable then i have to go outside .
one time pa hollar hellppp i need helpppp i hollar back what dad ? i caught him in the corner of my eyes he was shakin his head yes and grinnin so big , he wanted to see how long it took for me to jump up on my feet . ah after i saw that i thought oh my gosh , so he can hollar all he wants cuz im not zoomin fo rhim anymore . im zoomin for me .
u own ur house , u wear the pants from now on , get that poa back into ur hands and u do what u see fits , xxoo

Thank you Jam....I am glad you have your MIL on the cymbalta and aricept, those are great drugs....Daughters and doc put him on seroquel last week because he would NOT sleep, just manic! I have read some horrible things about seroquel and dementia, you would think the doc and the daughters (they are nurses) would have researched it better, but hey....I kept him from harm for 12 years and sane or not when he signed the POA, he has put his life in their hands now...'and actually he is sleeping, which he needs without all the mania

Your care of your MIL, could you get hospice in to help...We are going to have hospice in here for bathing, routine blood work...they provide pads, all meds for FREE....and they have social worker, and a minister...Ours even has babysitters that will come 2 days a week and sit for 4 hours at a time! Your MIL may qualify! Our hospice even has a respite service for 5 days a month each month...they pick the patient up and take them to their facility, now with dementia and my husbands weight, we won't use that, but it may work for your MIL? You need to take care of yourself also....I know it's hard for your husband to see his mother like this, but if you get down, he will have 2 of you...! You are the soul caregiver? It really is noble of you, but I do think hubby needs to take part...it is not easy for you to see her like she is now either!

I can not move my husband to the room I wanted...His bed they bought is 4 ft wide and weighs 1000 lbs! It would have worked moving him into that room, but now it would be a horribly hard thing to do...I was not home when the equipment people came, but 2 of the daughters were here...the movers left huge grooves in my wood floor moving the stuff in! Do ya think the girls would worry and watch if anything was being destroyed? nope..and, they somehow managed to get some stain on our new carpeting in the "nursery" that is 2 ft around(the same day!)....it isn't comng out....They bought a hoist, bed wheelchair...the bed does all sorts of things but they have never come to show us what to do...the hoist...what a joke! it takes 2 people to use it and really 3....they try to insisit the help uses it, but I tell the help forget about it....If they want him anxed by moving his big body around then let them do it...! It hurts him...and when they tried putting him into the wheelchair he began slipping out! So, they think all the good stuff and never carry through..I know the right thing to do is to get guardianship..and keep him safe for awhile longer....but, it's a double edged sword...If I do that and don't feel he is ready for a home, and then I find I can not take one more minute of the yelling and bad times, well...you see the problem....At any rate, I am going to tell them that I want a call before visitation...you are right, that's my right! Not that they come, but at least they will see me being proactive and not squatting like a pup....

Let me know if you find a hospice near you.....that will help! They give wonderful baths as many times a week as you wish...they are so gentle and kind...our experience with them has been marvelous..can't wait til they begin again!

AND, take care of yourself! I am nearly 60 and am feeling it now....My mind is weary, but tonight I do feel better with your help! I had to get onto my hubby tonight because he was being disrespectful to our help...yelling at them and calling US all dumb, hmpf...I just told him that is not acceptable and not the man I know! He settled right down! He still wanted me to call the help he is in "love" with...I told him you are my husband, she is your nurse...nothing more...but his responses are so sweet....and then he gets misty....jeez this stuff is tough....You rest well too dear.....thanks! I will keep you updated, and you keep me informed as well ....

Get an elder law attorney quick, find out what your rights are for your state and your situation, or the stress will never end.

Get an elder care attorney immediately find out what your rights are for your state and your situation, or the stress will never end. Take action now and stop the harassment.