Devastating letter found involving pedophile and betrayal. How can I let go of the feelings I have now?
I recently found a letter from a deceased loved one which was totally devastating. In this letter, this "loved one" admits to knowing a relative of hers was a pedophile.
This "loved one" put me in severe "harms way" when she let me (a little girl of about 4 or 5 years old!) sleep over this pedophile's house, again, knowing FULL WELL he was a pedophile AND that he had raped at least two people! (He was never prosecuted as nobody told on him.)
As it turns out, this pedophile did molest me and I told my "loved one" shortly after it happened. Throughout the years, she claims she didn't remember me telling her what happened but I most certainly did.
I cannot describe the betrayal I feel as this loved one was the closest person to me and I trusted this person with my life. Never, in a million years, would I think she could or would have done this knowing full well what this pedophile was all about. To now realize that I was put in severe harms way by her is just overwhelming.
How can I let go of the feelings I have now?
This has kept me up at night ever since I found this letter.
It should be stated both the "loved one" and the "pedophile" are both deceased now. I feel as though I will never get the answers I so desperate need to make any sense of this nightmare.
My heart aches for you. This is betrayal at the most basic level--your mother flat out lying to you....and she's not here to have a discussion with to seek for closure--if in fact that's even possible!
My OB was a pedophile. My mom knew it and covered for him. I was only one of his MANY victims--and it wasn't until I was in my 40's that I realized something was 'wrong'. I had simply blacked out all the details.
What to do? Well, go ahead and be angry, because a certain part of healing is acknowledging you were wrong and being angry about it--
Then learning to deal with the aftermath. Doesn't matter if it was 20, 30, 50 or more years. Or less. You do NOT just 'get over it'.
Mom thinks I am a troublemaker for bringing this to light. BUT--when I did, 25 years ago, it was ugly and there was a LOT of denial, as OB was mom's favorite kid, by far. I tried a few times to broach this with her--I felt she owed me some kind of explanation about how she could just turn a blind eye to the core reason I am often an anxious mess. She simply DIDN'T CARE. That's a big pill to swallow.
This is something that you are all alone in and that stinks. Anger will be your companion for a while, sadness, a sense of loss, and a paradigm shift of your whole life.
But you can be ok. Please seek out help. Please don't try to do this alone.
My OB died 11 years ago. I have not forgiven him yet and may not be able to for my time here on earth. I wish I were a better person and could do that, but it's not in my heart.
Can you find other people he (I am assuming it's a 'he') who were also molested and form sort of a support group. My own SIBS didn't know what was 'going on'--except for the 2 other sibs who were also molested and keeping it quiet. All in all, OB molested more than 20 kids---he actually went to jail for it--and even that did not make my mother accept the truth. (Dad, on the other hand, was horrified and angry--but he had end stage Parkinson's and could not deal with it. He just cried for me--and really, that helped--to have ONE person who believed.)
I'm kind of all over the place this morning--sorry if I'm not making sense. Had a very bad night-my anxiety shows itself in nightmares and I rarely have a 'good night's' sleep.
I feel for you and I hope you get some help. One thing you don't do is push it down way inside and ignore it. THAT is not healthy. You can come to a place of peace.
((Hugs))
In response to your questions, the other victims (two that I know of) are now deceased, too. This happened a long, long time ago. I just found the letter recently which just floored me. I still can't make heads or tails out of it.
I called four "hotlines" to get some help and none of them said they could help me. I won't give up as I need to get some assistance in processing all of this new information.
I wish you peace. I really do. Again, I'm so sorry you experienced what you did with your OB.
I strongly enough recommend you call RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network), at 1-800.656.4673, as soon as you can.
Their website is www.rainn.org. They even have a Live Chat at the top of the homepage. There, you can speak with someone trained to help.
For adults survivors, see their page at: https://www.rainn.org/articles/adult-survivors-child-sexual-abuse
Sadly, you’re not alone in this happening to you. May you get the help and support you need and the peace you so richly deserve.
I will look up that site today.
Not sure if we are the ones who can help u find closure. You may need help from a professional.
I also agree with MidKid that help is a good option. I don't often look to professionals for guidance, but this is a situation in which I think it would be highly appropriate to get counseling, especially since the parties involved are now deceased and can't be confronted.
I hope you can find a path through this mental morass and feeling of betrayal, and wish you success and peace in doing so.
I sincerely appreciate it.
I seem to recall that you lost both of your parents within a short period of time and that your husband was being less than supportive.
I wouldn't bother with hotlines; those are for folks in the midst of a crisis; what you appear to be experiencing are long term after-effects of being molested as a child, having the validity of your memory being dismissed and lack of being able to come to terms with these experiences. (no surprise at ALL that you can't "let it go"). You shouldn't "let it go". You need to work through it.
In your shoes, I would find myself a well-qualified psychiatrist and get an accurate diagnosis, talk about the appropriate medical/therapeutic treatment and take it from there.
Big (((((((hugs)))))))).
Thank you for your insight. I appreciate it.
I'm definitely "struggling" to put it mildly. :(
It might help you to be able to share your feelings with a therapist or a support group for survivors of sexual abuse. I found a support group to be very helpful for me, as it helped me come to the realization that in order for me to move forward in my healing that I was going to have to forgive both my father and my mother, who knew about the abuse and chose to do nothing about it.
Now I can tell you that my forgiving them didn't happen over night, but eventually I was able to forgive them both, and it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I did however choose to keep them both out of my life, as it was just healthier for me to do so. They are both dead now, and I have no regrets when it comes to my parents, as I was able to make peace with what happened to me, by forgiving them.
Since both parties are now dead, it may also be helpful for you to write out 2 separate letters(1 to each of them)and get out all your anger, hate and whatever else you need to release into the universe. You may just find that to be very helpful. And then in time my hope and pray for you is that you will be able to forgive them both, so you my dear can truly heal. God bless you.
It is going to take time to get over this. I would seriously consider going to therapy to help you process all the strong feelings you must be having.
If therapy is out for whatever reason, I'd get busy googling for suggestions on how to deal with this. Journaling could help. Letting your feelings out that way and writing can sometimes help you make sense of and process things.
You will get over this. Often time is the best healer but more than that is in order, IMHO.
Billiegoat, you don’t ‘let go’, you spit it out, you scream it out, you hurl it out. That’s what I would do.
Molesting and raping children is evil. Feeding children to molesters and rapists is beyond evil.
If those two evil bastards were still alive, I would get in their faces, and scream at them and tell them they are worse than scum.
Since they are now dead, I would go to their graves and tell them I hope they are burning in he!!. Or if I couldn’t go to their graves, I would put up their pictures and spit out all my anger at them.
That’s how I would ‘let go.’
Thank you for your advice.
I never really put in the effort or time to look at the long term affects of abuse on a person, symptoms of it? I know this person I am is because of what happened. I am extremely shy (thought this was normal) but now realize it must be a form of social anxiety, I am fearful. I have always hidden myself, to this day I do not want to be seen. Very uncomfortable around men, and have a difficult time looking at them in the eyes when speaking to them. I am uncomfortable with showing affection, or receiving it because it feels too sexual. I do have bouts of depression, which thankfully I do my best to not allow myself to get too deep.
If I was you I would take that letter and burn it, and forget about it. There is no point to it or to knowing what was in it. No point.
I never went through any therapy. I just pushed it down deep and forgot about it.
For me it's not worth it to bring it all up to the surface. It would mean having to be very uncomfortable lol. I am pretty happy, not always but who is :) But yah I have issues. I do however, at times, not often, wonder, about it all, but not enough to do anything about it. I live with the hand I was dealt and I move forward.
I hope you can move forward. Don't stand still in it, it's like quicksand, keep moving.