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Sorry, that was he does NOT remember two days later.
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I agree with Carol et al. It is time to hand it over.

I share your frustration. My husband is beginning to suffer memory loss and confusion. So, since I know that the earlier one begins memory meds, the better, I naturally wanted him to have the meds NOW. I made an appointment with our family doctor, and he gave this silly test for memory, which my husband passed with flying colors. NO meds, says the doctor.

But this test in no way reflects what I am living with. My husband and I have conversations and make decisions that he does remember two days later. I don't know whether to be angry or sympathetic or both. I am frustrated and worried. and, for what it's worth, I can't hand it over. Tag, I am it.
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You probably are caring for him out of guilt. Don't worry, it seems to be a common thing here. We cannot watch people go downhill and not try to intervene. That is in the makeup of a caregiver. Even though you say you will let go, you probably won't. Maybe cut the time you give him little by little. I would call adult services immediately but first call his kids. What is going on with kids today? I don't recall this happening with the elderly when I was young. I always saw the grandma or grandpa living with the kids. It was part of our life. I was faced with the same thing with my Partner's kids. Even his niece. My partner cared for his niece's father for years while he was in a care facility, but when my partner became ill, the niece as well as his kids disappeared. In fact, his son told me he would put him in a nursing home if I was not in the picture. So I carried the whole load. Not complaining as I loved him dearly and would do it all over again. These kids today are in for a sorry surprise when they are old and their kids are nowhere to be found. This is what they are teaching their children by their actions. God Bless you.
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First, decide how much more you want to provide for your friend. Secondly, if you want and can get him to a neurologist do so. He is not "fine", and three questions does not make a thorough mental examination! Alert his children your observations, and then let them care for him or not. It is sad when adult children do not step up to the plate.
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Hi and thank you to everyone. Without exception, ALL the answers were helpful and I feel quite relieved actually. Perhaps more accurately, I feel I can let it go now. And I am not going to feel guilty about not popping in every other day. Sometimes I so resented this 'wasted' time when I should be working. Some very interesting points, for instance, regarding Geriatricians in Ireland (I am in South Africa). I'd go so far as to say the answers to the post cover all the issues I had remaining. So, I'm on my bicycle, so to speak. I'll pop over some curry mince and veg this evening but giving him the odd nutritious meal now and then is the limit of my involvement, I am resolved. Thank you all again.

I think like with most things, one needs to change one's habits and while it's difficult at first, eventually it becomes routine.
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I agree with the others as far as doctors go. Where I live there are hardly any Geriatricians. We were sent to a Neurologist when my wife's symptoms first started but he looked mostly for "stroke" related problems and said it was just aging. Even I knew it was not just aging. Two years later the symptoms were far worse and her GP again sent us to the same neurologist but I started looking in other cities and found a University Hospital that had a memory care clinic. They did a battery of test's (stopped in the middle actually because she could not complete any) and quickly diagnosed her with dementia. It might be a good idea to stop in at a nursing home or assisted living where they do memory care and ask for doctor they would recommenced.
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A quick test does not diagnose dementia! My father had the testing for it done in the summer of 2013, and he went 8 hours a day for like 3 days! They gave him LOTS of tests. They'd tell him stories, and then have him try to recount them hours later (he didn't have a clue on those). They tested his math (he was still good at it back then), and who knows what since I wasn't there. They tested response time, and the list goes on.
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Here in Ireland it is not the GP Who diagnoses the Patient with dementia or Alzheimer's. The GP makes an appointment for the Patient to be examined by a Geriatrition, Who' specialises in the brain.
TimeOut I'd advise You to pull back and allow Mike's Family to look after Their Dad, before You get in too deep. If You were to engage in Mikes care You would neglect Your Mom and this is not an option.
You are a wonderful Person, and the World would be a better Place if there was more People like You.
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I agree on the dr point. My mom saw her primary physician who did nothing, 3 neurologists, 2 psychiatrists, and a neuro psychologist before finally being diagnosed (although loosely - since there is no test that can tell for certain) with frontal dementia. It's time for the family to step up. APS (at least in my area) is bombarded with calls about seniors needing assistance. They are sometime slow to respond. Best of luck to you. It's time you took care of your own and his family steps up
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Every answer here has offered something of value. Personally - and I know that this is hard - but I think you may have to step back and just act as a friend. Then, let the adult children know that Adult Protective Services will be notified if they don't step up.

This man has done what many do - he's fooled the doctor or found a doctor who doesn't want to be put on the spot. Likely a combination of both. However, from everything you say, he has either major depression or dementia. Which one it is doesn't matter right now. He needs help. If his kids don't step in within a week after notification, call APS. Give them a list like you gave us and tell them of your concern. Then you've done what you can.

You're a wonderful person to be so concerned. Even if this was a relative of yours or a parent you'd be having trouble getting him help he doesn't think he wants. That's what APS is for.

Take care,
Carol
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I wish every Demenia test were more thorough, involved logical problem solving and given at 4:00 in the afternoon. My mom lied on her questionare too. Only someone observing the person in their home will give the rest of the true story. Docs just don't want to give a Demenia diagnosis. They are too worried about themselves.
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Step back. Others will step up. If they don't, call Adult Protective Services. The occasional visit for a few hours to help with something specific -- his meds perhaps -- and to see how your friend is doing -- should be enough to get others involved if you have to.
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TimeOut, you care because (1) you were an item and (2) you are a nice person and don't want to see someone in trouble that you *can* help. You have done everything you can reasonably do unless you want to take this person's care over completely. You have told family, you have told doctor. You will need to let it go and unfortunately it will take a huge crisis for someone to step in. Make sure that it is not you. His family is willing to let you manage it all free. Please don't.
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TimeOut, I remembered when you raised a similar question before and were wrestling with the choice between remaining involved vs. letting (hoping, really that) the family would step in and become involved.

For someone not familiar with the background, this post will help:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/told-family-has-dementia-what-is-minimal-responsibilty-184110.htm

It seems this is still an issue. I sense that you feel a strong moral and personal commitment to this man, which is understandable. It's also understandable that it's not easy to just walk away. It seems that you're still running errands for this man as well.

I'm assuming that the family still hasn't involved itself? It really IS their responsibility, whether it's to assume care or arrange for it.

I think there are a few issues that would affect your involvement.

1. Do you legally have any authority to assume any kind of care for your friend? If not, you must know that you're limited in what you can do.

2. This isn't meant to put you on the spot but is something to consider. Do you feel that continued involvement in attempting to provide care for this man takes priority over (a) care for your own life and (b) care for your 81 year old mother?

Another option to get help for this man is to contact APS, especially if the family hasn't stepped in to become involved. From your previous post and this one, I think this might be the better course of action as from the description of his physical condition and lack of cleanliness, it seems he could benefit from being someplace other than where he is now.
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