My husband was paralyzed and ventilator dependent at the end of his life. He only had one kidney and that was failing him. His last wishes were to die at home, but we did not have hospice in place. On his final day he was not in his right mind, going in and out of rational thinking. I told him we needed to take him to the hospital. He said, "I'm not going to the hospital, I'm going to heaven." I explained that he could go to heaven, but we had to go to the hospital first. When the paramedics came he told them he wouldn't go, but I overrode him because I couldn't be the one to turn off the ventilator and I knew he would need medication to get him through to the end. In my heart I feel I made the right choice. The hospital was wonderful, and he was surrounded by 4 pastors, our daughter, friends and family. But one part of me feels I betrayed him by making him go there. Is there a way to find peace with this? Thanks.
Sometimes, things go faster than we can keep up with. There is no need for guilt. You did honor his wishes - but neither of you had a playbook, so you had to punt. You did you best and he died with Family, friends and spiritual support. Just because it was in the hospital and not at home isn't failing following his wishes. Please talk this through with your pastor or a grief counselor. You need to let go of your unearned guilt.
Take care of yourself, now. You have earned some self time.
Carol
It reminds me of a man I knew whose wife was dying of cancer and they had a two year old daughter at the time. Well the wife wrote out lists of instructions for the husband on how she expected/wanted her daughter to be raised. He did his best but soon found out that her wishes were not realistic.
I think that's how you need to look at your situation, it was not realistic for your husband to die at home, it was more important that he die with some comfort and not suffering and even more important for you not to live the rest of your life with the guilt of turning off the ventilator. I bet if the situation were reversed he couldn't have followed through with your request either. Try your best to put it out of your mind and focus on all the wonderful memories you have with your husband :-)
Sometimes we cling to guilt to avoid the pain of grief. If it becomes overwhelming, seek a therapist to ease your pain. You are an incredible loving person. I hope; I have your fortitude and grace when the time comes for my Dad to pass.