I'm a 55 yr old "only child" caring for my 84 yr old Mom who's in a senior's residence. She has rheumatoid arthritis (controlled with meds) and has been diagnosed with mixed dementia (Alzheimer's & vascular). She gets quite confused with days and time of day but her memory seems fine when it comes to calling me to blame me for just about everything . . . she seems mad at the world . . . instead of enjoying my visits with her it has become a burden . . .
Last evening the NH called to say they'd found her on the floor (again). She tried to get from her wheelchair into bed, which she can't do by herself. She's always doing it and sooner or later there will be another broken hip and that will be the end of her.
As they helped her up she was complaining bitterly that there was nothing to do. At that moment there was a strawberry social and antique car show going on! I've tried, staff have tried and the social worker has tried but, nope, she just lays in bed, b*tches, complains and verbally bashes anyone within range. I dread going near her.
I am my mom's 24/7 caregiver. My family and I have moved into her house so that she can continue to live at home, enjoy some of the activities she's always liked, and to help her with her needs. I know exactly what it feels like to do something nice and have it "backfire"- like cooking a nice dinner and hear "This chicken tastes like processed lunch meat". It is so hard not to take it personally! TG for my husband, who smiles and winks at me, and later reminds me that my mom is not in her right mind, and her negativity is more about her depression and not about me. Now, if I could only absorb that like a sponge and remember that each time I get a pie in the face!
A lot of the critical nature has to do with the mom/daughter dynamic I think. Whatever that dynamic was earlier in life, it's hard not to continue some of the old mother-daughter relationship. I'm sure your right that your mom's upbringing about being "up to par" plays into her personality. My mom has always been critical. She is a retired English teacher, and fits that old stereotype perfectly! Maybe being critical of their daughters come naturally to most moms, I catch myself being overly-critical of my own daughter at times. Or maybe I just learned this from my mom, as she learned it from her mom and so on. Even though the relationship evolves from a parent-child to parent-adult child, I'm sure it's hard to accept that one's adult child is making the decisions about things they can't, so they almost "act out" like a child would reversing the roles totally.
Find some humor it situations when you can. It's helped me to not take my mom's comments to heart. So the next time your mom gives you the "once over", say "Oh no mom! I guess I should have worn my tan slacks with this outfit!" And just look her in the eyes, smile, and change the subject. Seriously, it changes the whole dynamic!