How can we divert dad's attention kindly?

Medicate his anxiety. When he starts with the tears, that is a tantrum. You both leave when bad behavior appears. You have to, or it just gets worse. Been there. Done that.

Get him seen by a geriatric psychiatrist who can give you good advice on medication and behavior management. Yes, it's heartbreaking when there is a choice betwen keeoing him happy and keeping him safe.

Read Antul Gawande's book, On Being Mortal.

This is such a horrifying thing.

How old is your father, KBR?

Well, this would be alot like solatary confinment in prision. What would make a person acepting of it? Does he have hobbies he could resume? Does he read? Could he be put in a different prison where there was a better social life? What was his recent crime that incarserated him? Is it possible that some other solution could midigate his infraction? Maybe your mother just didn't want to take care of him anymore. Maybe someone else could. Maybe you.

My lovely former boss died of early onset Alzheimers last year. If we're talking about someone of approximately the same age, in his fifties or sixties, then we're talking about providing physical care for a healthy adult whose mind is falling to pieces. Is that really something you'd ask a loving daughter to witness round the clock? Have a heart.

I was going to ask if there was any possibility of finding a more specialist facility, aimed at a younger age group. I was also going to ask if there was a well-equipped gym nearby that KBR could maybe take him to for a good workout.

I am so sorry about your dad. This is a very hard thing to get through. My Mother would ask occasionally, I would tell her she was there because her back keeps going out and she falls a lot so she needs to be there where there are people who can help her and protect her and keep her safe. Then she would drop it. But it broke my heart to see her like that. Meds help, but then they turn into zombies, and I wanted a part of her brain to still function, I wanted a piece of her to stay alive. I didn't want my mother to go away.

One thing I discovered with my mom and FIL is that when they demand to "go home", the statement goes a lot deeper than the idea of going home. Neither my Mom or Dad-in-law were truly cognizant of where "home" actually was. My mom believes she could go back to living with her parents in the 1920's. The behavior you're describing is part of the whole picture. People with this condition often believe this is something you've done "to" them and not "for" them. Walking away when the tantrums start is great advice. But be prepared that it's something you have to do for yourself. The tantrum will become worse as you walk out. The staff knows how to handle it and they will. If the staff already takes him out, they are aware of the situation and trying to help. You can try to redirect the conversations about going home, but it probably won't work. When I put my mom in a facility, 80% of my feelings about it were guilt. It's something you need to come to terms with. Speak with your family doctor, look for a local support group, talk to the social worker at the facility. By no means give into his demands and bring him home, even for a visit. And ignore Snowquail. There are some issues there, too.

My dads AL memory care facility allows the patients to walk outvin the courtyard unassisted. They can come in and out at will. Asking to go home could be a reaction to dementia he is experiencing. For awhile my dad was obsessed with how long it took me to get there. Over and over. That passed. Redirecting sometimes works. Sometimes not. Medication should help take the edge off. Just keep in mind that this stage is temporary and that it will get worse. It's horrible for you to go through, but it too will pass.

I agree with having him evaluated for some kind of anti-anxiety med that might help now. True, he will get worse and that is so sad to watch. Also, what he is thinking of as "home" may not even mean living at home with your mom. I imagine he is a lot like my granddad who would also wander if left unattended. All the houses on their street looked the same from the front and he would wander into ANY home--which the neighbors were so used to him, they'd chat with him and lovingly guide him back to HIS home, but he felt that wasn't his home. We never did know what 'home' he meant. Grandma kept him home until he became violent (SUCH a change for him, and heartbreaking for her)..and he passed after a few weeks in the care facility. This was almost 40 years ago..I have no idea if he took anything stronger than Valium, to just keep him calm.
This is just one of the many phases of Alzheimers. When I lived very near my grandparents I would take Grandpa on wandering walks with my baby in the stroller. He had no idea who I was, but he could walk for hours, sweet man. And it gave Grandma a break. You could try that, getting family members to take turns just walking with him. That might take an edge off the crave to wander.

If your mother is still working then I gather your father is younger than the average 80 year old resident too?

Most memory care is a corner of a 2nd floor assisted living complex so if that is the case then are there different options open to you ? My mom's facility has a secure front yard for residents to go outside - another option might be a residential board and care facility like a group home or even having caregivers in the home

Unfortunately the need to medicate to calm him especially if he becomes agitated or violent will outweigh not wanting to make him a "zombie"

Snowquail your answer proves that you have literally no clue about caring for the aged and ill. I hope the original posters ignore your answer, and look to the other very helpful recommendations that others have made.

Angel

Medication doesn't have to mean life as a zombie. Granted, my mother wasn't physically violent but she was very angry and very verbally abusive. Mom was also having major meltdowns, screaming - and I do mean screaming - yelling, swearing, trying to escape and other tricks like laying down on the floor - claiming she fell and also making wild accusations like the DON of the NH was sexually abusing her and everyone was stealing from her. Mom also said I was stealing her pain meds - kind of hard to do as the nh had them - and I was paying off my brothers to get them to go along with the nh placement. All in all the situation had become unbearable. I was able to get mom in to see a geriatric Psychitrist - telling mom a therapeutic fib that she was being evaluated for a new drug to help with her memory loss. The Psy did a complete medication overhaul and over the course of a month meds were slowly stopped and new ones started - it needed to be a gradual process. At the end of about six weeks total my mother was more her old self than in quite a while - mentally at least as she still had physical health issues. The change was so pronounced that I video taped her rolling herself around the home in her wheelchair, chatting with people. When I emailed the video to my brother he couldn't believe the improvement! Try to get a good geriatric psy to see your father for an assessment and recommendations.

I would certainly discuss treating your dad's agitation. There are medication options that do not render a person drugged out. My cousin, who is in Memory Care, takes daily medication for anxiety/depression and she remains quite alert. When you see residents who are not communicative in a facility, it may be for any number of reasons, including the progression of their disease. The goal is to medicate appropriately and that is what I have observed.

Also, why not discuss with his doctor, what kind of physical activity he may be suited for. Since balance is often an issue, I'm not sure that a tread mill would work, but what about other exercise within the facility?

Even if your father gets lots of exercise, he may still beg to come home. This may diminish as he progresses or perhaps it won't. I'd keep in mind all of the information about patients who say that and why it's not always what you might think. AND there are dementia patients who live in their own home who beg to go home everyday. So, returning him home, may make no difference. I hope that will bring you and your mother some comfort.

And if you need a break from visits, you need to take it. You have to safeguard your own mental health.

I'm so sorry for your situation. I do hope that you take the support that is offered on this site and ignore any unhelpful or negative comments. That sort of thing is bound to happen when good people are trying to help others.

This is difficult. Is he too young and active for assisted living? I am not sure how far he is in the disease. Maybe you moved him into assisted living too soon?

Would you consider bringing him home and enrolling him in an adult day care facility? My mom goes to one during the day; it is geared towards caring for people with dementia and she loves going. Basically she is entertained and cared for all day. They have music therapy, pet therapy, art therapy etc. , go on field trips etc. Sounds like he may need more stimulation.

Maybe you should research other facilities that are more engaging for the occupants.

I think that once a patient starts wandering as her dad did, it's difficult to get anywhere to accept them, unless it's a secure facility, due to the risks of them walking away and getting lost or injured.

Are there any memory care places near you that have an enclosed garden where he could walk? My friend's husband was in one in Rancho Mirage, CA that had a fenced in flower garden. Those doors were never locked, they had figure 8 and 0 concrete walks. I was there one day and this lady would ring the doorbell, walk in, turn around, walk out, walk a minute, turn around come back, ring the door bell, etc. They also had fake kitchens, no stoves or sinks but had cabinets, with plastic dishes and dish rags. I saw women, wiping counters, putting dishes away and bringing them back out. It was a beautiful place. And what was even better was it was cheaper than the places in Palm Springs that cost more and didn't let the patients outside. He got good care from the staff also. Lost clothes etc. but all in all great care.

If he wants to 'go home', a group home, board-and-care facility will not be any better as he will want to 'go home' from THERE, too. Home with a caregiver is very very expensive. He will have to be locked in, and he will want to 'go home' from THERE, also. (I have a mentally disabled relative in a group home who just hates it there, even though his every need is taken care of, he wants to 'go home'. There is no more home for him to go to, which is why he is living there. He hates it anyway, it's full of 'crazy people'. But when he was living at home with his mommy, who also attended to his every need, he hated it at the house and wanted to live on his own! You can't win.)

When reading your question, I understood that your Dad asked to go to Assisted Living because he was lonely with Mom at work? Did he walk and wander getting lost then? Please know I am of like mind about not trying to keep a loved one at home. It is very, very difficult. My loved one is 96. But since your Dad is so early in his disease could you pay someone to stay with him at home so that he is safe for what it costs for the Memory Care unit? Of course, that depends on how Mom feels. Or, find an "Adult Day Care" that specializes in activities for memory patients. My Aunt goes one day a week and so enjoys the interaction, art, music, etc. If you did that a couple of days a week and had a sitter to take him to a movie, or whatever, it might work for him. Again, I am only suggesting that he go home because he is so early in the disease and so young. Or, can you move him back to AL if you have a sitter? Bless ya'lls hearts. Alzheimers is such a gut-wrenching, terrible disease but early onset especially breaks my heart. My Dad was 62 when he was diagnosed. Good luck.

kbr2002: I hope and pray that you can get your dad into some activities that he could enjoy and divert his attention to the pleasantries that life can offer. That has to be extremely difficult for you as a family unit. I feel for you. Prayers and hugs ((( )))...

He did not want to be alone all day while his wife worked. Perhaps for now the intermediate step of a day care center would better serve his needs. Was it considered? It was my experience that day care engaged my husband much more, gave him "PT" exercise times, and he had others to talk to. A couple of patients were there as "volunteers" who did various tasks to burn off their physical energy. It worked well for over two years. He ate with a friend - everyday they introduced themselves to each other and exchanged the same life stories and thoroughly enjoyed the socializing. In the evening he enjoyed falling asleep in front of the TV at home with me.

When I had to put him in a full time care facility because of physical problems in addition to his dementia, he was very lonely because there was no one there whose level of dementia allowed for any real interaction. Then he wanted to come home and be with his cat. Those last months were very, very hard although the meds helped a bit.

I'm very sorry to read what your family is going through. This disease is cruel and horrible. I feel terrible for your Dad and for you. One of the residents in my Mom's assisted living for memory care has a trainer come from the YMCA twice a week. He takes him out and they go to the Y and work out together. Afterwards, they go to lunch and get a hamburger and beer. I think they're out maybe 2 1/2 to 3 hours total each time. This gentleman is in pretty good shape mentally in my opinion, so maybe it would not work as well for your father, but it's something to possibly look in to. I would also talk to the activities director and try to get ideas about things that will engage him physically and that will also take his mind off of his situation. I have found that you really have to advocate for your loved one at these assisted living facilities and you have to stay on top of it often. I'm surprised how often I have to ask about things or bring things up that I feel I shouldn't have to. I don't feel communication with the families is their strong point. I know they are overwhelmed and have many residents and all of that, but this is your father or in my case my mother. Thank you for being your Dad's hero. He really needs one right now and into the future. If he could thank you, he would.

My father was 59 when he was diagnosed and is 65 now. At his most recent assessment they rated him a '6' down from a 10 only a couple months ago. My visit with him on Sunday was rough and I reached out for help and advice. I found so many kinds words and advice. If I don't acknowledge your response, please know how truly greatful I feel for those of you who took the time to read my story and offer kind words and help.
Pamstegma & Hugemom - we walked away Sunday. I felt horrible doing it, but I could see the physical toll his words were beginning to have and I wanted my mom to know it was ok. When she visited him again on Monday, she said he apologized for his behavior and it was a much better visit. I know they won't always be, but that did seem to help.
Babalou - I'm going to look for that book :)
Churchmouse - I love the idea of the gym. I'm going to look into that, he used to go to the gym a lot the years before he was diagnosed.
Bluecube - your comment about his cat hit home. He misses his cat terribly, but we don't feel he can adequately take care of a pet to have one at the home. My father's cat is unfortunately very ill with cancer and doesn't have much time left anyway and he doesn't understand this. He wants to go 'home' to take care of her.

We tried a day program, but he refused to go :( and he hated the homes we looked at where the memory care wards had enclosed walking grounds. In retrospect, on the latter, I think my mom gave him to much say in the final decision, but I do really like the facility he is currently in.
For everyone that spoke of the concept of "home" for him - thank you. I agree. To some extent I think he would know he was "home," but unless my mother would retire to be home with his, I know he would go back to being as angry and frustrated being alone all day again. I realize he doesn't know or remember how upset he was about being alone or how agitated he got. I was starting to get worried he would become violent as I know this is not an uncommon issue with dementia patients.
I know our lives will never be the same and we face many more difficult days, visits and decisions in our future. Thank you again for letting me pour my heart out and for responding with such kindness.

I don't think he is ready for a memory care unit. If you say the other members of the unit is far more advanced then he has no interaction or stimulation. My sister is 90 years old; her memory is completely shot but lives in her home with round the clock caretakers. She has no physical limitations, no cane etc. Her caretakers take her out every day, i.e, running their errands, shopping, etc, and she is quite happy with that so by bedtime she is more than tired and willing to go to bed. If your father is in good physical condition why not have a caretaker during the day who can provide some stimulation, companionship, i.e., taking him out walking or to a senior center for a few hours.

How about hiring a dog walker to take him out for walks with an older dog or two? Maybe getting a nice LONG walk every few days will help. It would do him good to be around animals. As young as he is, he will have a LOT of energy to burn off. It won't solve the problem, but it might turn the heat down a little. If money is there, but limited, maybe spend a little more money on pleasures for him while he can still experience them.

He will probably settle in before too long. Fingers crossed.

A dog walker is a good idea if he likes dogs and they are good with him. But you'd have to make sure the walker is totally on board with Dad and his issues and can be diplomatic if he asks pointed questions or makes comments. They will have to know what to say and not to say.

Totally feel for you. Mom has been in memory care since January because she escaped the assisted living facility we put her in. She had to be with someone all day to keep her safe, remind her to eat/bath and I tried for 7 years but got worn out. Mom is finally getting used to her facility. The first memory care was a disaster so make sure you do some research. The right facilities know how to redirect them but there is a guilt that you have to learn to live with. I could put mom on stronger medication but I don't want her to loose her personality so we just take it day to day and pray a lot! You might want to ask them to give your dad Ativan when he has his tantrums because that doesn't stay in their system very long but does calm them down a bit. Sorry there is no easy answer; everyone who is in your situation can empathize.

Dear KBR,
Unfortunately, the repetitive verbalizing of what they want is all part of the disease. If we got one dollar for every answer to their constant questions or statements, we'd be rich! I hate to say, there is nothing that works to get your dad off the subject. Diversion lasts seconds or minutes, introducing hobbies or new interests maybe a half hour. Their minds don't function normally so it's kind of like a broken record. They may not even fully understand what they want.

1. Do what you can to get him placed in a facility that has more residents in or near the same stage of dementia that he's in. There is no guarantee however that he will interact with them the way you'd like him to.
2. Have him evaluated by a geriatric neurologist who can prescribe medication that can help his anxiety (as well as yours).
3. Bring things from home that he was used to, (magazine rack with his fav. mags, any games or puzzles, pictures, etc.) Try to make his room "homey".
4. Limit your visits to 15 minutes and bring another person with you. If the begging or whining or crying start, leave (courteously) but immediately. By staying and trying to calm him shows him he's got control of his bad behavior.
5. Understand there is NO reasoning with a person with Alzheimer's or other dementia. You can talk until you are blue in the face, he won't necessarily "get it" or go along with it.
6. This person is no longer your dad. I know they still look and sound like the old person but they have slowly slipped away, to be replaced with a new confused version. You will grieve for the old dad you had while trying to accept and cope with the new version. Don't feel bad if you find yourself reverting back to the old one while you're talking and then can't figure out why dad isn't responding like he used to. It's just darn sad.

This stage will also pass and you will have another stage to try to cope with. I recommend you educate yourself on the Alzheimer's website about the different stages and what the symptoms are for each.
Good luck. We have all been where you are and the pain that it produces.
A big bear hug to you. Stay connected and let us know what helped.

Snowquail and Nasmir, you have no understanding of the hideous, cruel disease that is dementia. That is OK. This is a good place to learn!

But please, please, just read the dementia posts and ask questions -- don't offer snarky opinions regarding something you know so little about. Save your contributions for topics you have actual experience with.

I know I've posted this before but I think it's important to know what stage you're dealing with. Snow quail and Nasmir might find this particularly informative. Info taken from Alz. org.
Stage 1:
No impairment (normal function.
The person does not experience any memory problems. An interview with a medical professional does not show any evidence of symptoms of dementia.

STAGE 2:
Very mild cognitive decline (normal age-related changes or early signs of Alzheimer's)
The person may feel as if he or she is having memory lapses — forgetting familiar words or the location of everyday objects. But no symptoms of dementia can be detected during a medical examination or by friends, family or co-workers.

STAGE 3:
Mild cognitive decline (early-stage Alzheimer's can be diagnosed in some, but not all, individuals with these symptoms)
Friends, family or co-workers begin to notice difficulties. Doctors may be able to detect problems in memory or concentration. Common difficulties include:
Noticeable problems coming up with the right name or word
Noticeably greater difficulty performing tasks in social or work settings,
Forgetting material that one has just read,
Losing or misplacing a valuable object,
Increasing trouble with planning or organizing.

STAGE 4:
Moderate cognitive decline (Mild or early-stage Alzheimer's disease)
A medical interview should be able to detect clear-cut symptoms in several areas:
Forgetfulness of recent events,
Impaired ability to perform challenging mental arithmetic — for example, counting backward from 100 by 7s,
Greater difficulty performing complex tasks such as paying bills,
Forgetfulness about one's own personal history,
Becoming moody or withdrawn.

STAGE 5:
Moderately severe cognitive decline (Moderate or mid-stage Alzheimer's disease)
Gaps in memory and thinking are noticeable, and individuals begin to need help with day-to-day activities. At this stage, those with Alzheimer's may:
Be unable to recall their own address or the high school they attended,
Become confused about where they are or what day it is,
Have trouble with less challenging mental arithmetic; such as counting backward from 40 by subtracting 4s or from 20 by 2s,
Need help choosing proper clothing for the season or the occasion,
Still remember significant details about themselves and their family,
Still require no assistance with eating or using the toilet.

STAGE 6:
Severe cognitive decline (Moderately severe or mid-stage Alzheimer's disease)
Memory continues to worsen, personality changes may take place and individuals need extensive help with daily activities. At this stage, individuals may:
Lose awareness of recent experiences as well as of their surroundings,
Remember their own name but have difficulty with their personal history,
Distinguish faces but have trouble remembering the name of spouse or caregiver,
Need help dressing properly and may, without supervision, make mistakes such as putting pajamas over daytime clothes or shoes on the wrong feet,
Experience major changes in sleep patterns,
Need help handling details of toileting (for example, flushing the toilet),
Have increasingly frequent trouble controlling their bladder or bowels,
Experience major personality and behavioral changes,
Tend to wander or become lost.

STAGE 7:
Very severe cognitive decline (Severe or late-stage Alzheimer's disease)
In the final stage of this disease, individuals lose the ability to respond to their environment, to carry on a conversation and, eventually, to control movement.
Individuals need help with much of their daily personal care, including eating or using the toilet. They may lose the ability to smile and/or sit without support. Reflexes become abnormal. Muscles grow rigid. Swallowing difficulties.

Thankless, thanks so much for that! For those whose loved one suffeers from Vascular Dementia, at least in my mom, memory is relatively good, but reasoning skills are shot to pieces!