My mil has been diagnosed with dementia for about 8-9 years now. But sometimes the way she acts I think she is playing us. She is so rude to my children to a point of telling them she hates them and swears at them but is so nice to her own children and her other grandkids. Why is she this way?? It’s so hard. Sometimes i want to swear at her too but I don’t and know I shouldn’t. It’s hard on my children. Any thoughts?
1 - help people to learn to ignore her improper behavior
2 - allow people that she abuses verbally to distance themselves from her
If your children are old enough to understand these concepts, talk to them and allow them to make the choice.
I found someone with Alzheimer's dementia, my mom, could act very differently toward different people. She would complain about most of her friends to me and tell me stories that were awful about them, and one she would say was slow. Yet there was one who could do no wrong. She started being very nasty toward me shortly after, but not my brother or my daughter. She also had issues with my SIL.
There were behavioral changes at least 10 years before her official diagnosis, but no one realized this could the starts of dementia developing. They now say that it starts well before people start showing signs of not being able to take care of finaces etc. Someone said it sounds like she's narcissistic, but I never noticed that when I was growing up. She and her boyfriend started pickong on each other, and would bicker nonstop (corroborated by others) in a group setting as if no one else was there They split up.
Then she started picking on me even more. She would say I had not visited in 10 years when in reality it was my brother who lived very far away who had not visited in that long.
She was negative and would complain she was very sad much of the time for over a decade. She refused to get help many times, and would tell her doctor she felt great. When she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease with behavioral component in 2019 she had become very nasty toward me, but not my brother. A friend who actually would call her, she would say nasty things about to me later. The friend who could do no wrong stopped calling even though said to me she missed her best friend. But my mom never said a bad word about her.
When my mom went into Memory Care was when they asked if I would okay a psychiatrist speaking with her. I said YES please, but to tell her she was being interviewed because if she knew he was a psychiatrist she would refuse seeing him. It worked. She was put on an anti-depressant and started to become nicer and nicer even with the Alzheimer's. There are times she had outbursts with caregivers, but it always prompted a psychiatrist visit and usually a change in medication.
We learned ways of speaking to someone with dementia on websites like alz.org. and also how to re-direct behaviors and conversations. To never correct because they really can't remember. To say I hadn't seen someone either and likely they were busy, even if I knew they were dead for years because she wouldn't remember and would keep reliving the sadness over and over again. Sometimes if they are really off to briefly step away, and then re-approach. There are many helps found on google search, it's so great.
I would not wish this disease on anyone. It changes our loved ones in ways they truly can't help, but we still need to love them and understand it's this horrible disease and not a way our loved one would ever want to be if they didn't have it.
Different things may work for different people, but hoping in some way my story may help you.
Wishing you the best in this journey. Have a blessed day.
Dementia is complex and different for everyone. Your mother is suffering. Proof is her abusing your children. Don't attempt to rationalize her anger at your children. The 'blame' is her dementia. She will more than likely die from dementia. Be kind to her. Later, you will be proud of yourself. Explain to your children that your mothers ugly words comes from her disease. That you will protect them from your mother. Even apologize to them for your mother. Love, Al .......my mother died of dementia after ten years.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years. This behavior goes on all the time. I've seen elders supposedly with diagnoses moderate dementia plan staged "falls" to get attention and retaining the mental ability to keep their lies going indefinitely.
You cannot allow anyone to behave abusively to your children whether they have dementia or not.
If she lives with you, she gets placed in AL or memory care as soon as a bed opens up somewhere and that must be non-negotiable. Call every AL or memory care you can find. This is really the only way to deal with a situation like yours long term and successfully.
She lives in your house. Don't forget it. YOUR house, not hers. The next time she gets verbally abusive to you or one of your kids, get right in her face and you tell her plainly that if she ever swears at, is disrespectful, or makes any comment to you or your children you will make her sorry she did. You put any cultural demands about DIL's have to tolerate abusive in-laws away. It's 2024. No one living in the U.S. western Europe or any other first-world country with civilized laws has to live with abuse.
If your MIL has been like this and able to control it around certain people for 8 or 9 years, she's playing you. Don't let her. You compare her to a child throwing tantrums. Then you respond the same as you would to a child throwing tantrums.
The next time she's nasty to you or your kids, she spends the rest of the day and night in her room and she doesn't leave her room until you say so. Put a lock on the outside of her door if you have to. If she gets nasty and snide about meals, she goes hungry. You don't take her crap or play her games for one more day. You make it abundantly clear to her that she lives in your house not hers.
There is a big difference between a senior-brat throwing tantrums and child one doing the same.
That difference is you can get rid of the senior one by placed them in a residential care facility.
Also, any other family members or healthcare professionals would have something to say about such treatment.
However, I do agree with sending the mil up to her room if she becomes verbally abusive again. The children need to see that they matter and that there are consequences to bad behaviour.
Also, her bedroom could be kitted out like a nice bed-sitting room, as if the elder were in a room in a care facility. Meals etc. could be taken up to her, and all visits could take place in her room.
That way, the children could limit their visits and walk out when she becomes nasty again.
The feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop is quite unnerving.
Whenever dementia is involved, things become more difficult to deal with.
The physical, hands on side of caregiving is hard enough. It becomes unmanageable when we are emotionally drained and stressed out to the point of exhaustion.
It’s all difficult. The best case scenario for when things get out of hand, is that we have the wherewithal to make the decision to place them in a facility.
This kills two birds with one stone. They are cared for and we can resume our lives as it was before a parent was living in our home.
I really hope that placement is a possibility for your mother in law, so you and your family can live in peace.
More importantly I think you have a very difficult situation and a very sick mil who will only get sicker and more difficult to deal with. You are not alone in caring for a difficult ill mil which is causing you the caregiver and other family members great stress.
There comes a time to consider placement in a suitable facility where your mil can receive 24/7 professional care and your and your family can recover from the stress of having her.
Generally speaking, caregivers need to plan times for themselves and have breaks regularly. Can you arrange respite care where mil is looked after by someone else out of your home so you and your kids can relax. or in your home so you can get away for a bit? Even a regular afternoon out can make a big difference for you. Mil will only get worse. You need to care for yourself and your kids too.
I would also like to say, I wonder what your children are thinking about their dad.
As a daughter, growing up, I always saw my father supporting the woman who gave birth to me. Your children aren’t able to say this, since you are the person who is caring for HIS mother.
I would have been very disappointed had my dad requested that my mother do something for him that hurt me as my mother’s child. I saw my father respect my mother. He set an example for the kind of man that I wanted to marry.
Think about that for a moment. What messages is he sending to his children.
I know that we have all been telling you what we think about your part in this, but honestly, your husband is playing a major role in this situation. Nevertheless, you are the only one who can put an end to it.
I believe that you do care deeply about your children. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have asked for help on a caregiver forum.
Your responses to the posts are not argumentative or defensive. You have simply stated that you are in a difficult position.
Whether someone has a cultural situation or not in their life, all parents at some point in time, has made errors in judgment.
There are no perfect parents. Also, people who claim to have perfect spouses and children are embellishing the facts, because there are no perfect people.
I could give a crap about perfection. It is unfortunate that we make unwise choices in our lives, but it isn’t the end of the world.
Of course, we should do all that we can to avoid making serious mistakes that harm others and ourselves. When we fail at something, there is usually a reset button that we can hit to start over again.
You are one step ahead, because you have stated that you communicate with your children, which tells me that you aren’t a person who sweeps things under the rug.
People who sweep issues under a rug are generally confused. stuck, perhaps even close minded or frightened.
Some people aren’t interested in discussing anything with anyone. They fail to realize that ignoring the problem isn’t going to make it go away.
I think graygrammie gave you an excellent suggestion for a place to start. I truly hope that you will follow her advice.
You love your children and are concerned about them. Even if damage has been done by this situation, it doesn’t mean that all is lost.
Children and adults have healed from a variety of traumatic experiences.
Chances are that you are stronger than you think. Most of us are quite surprised when we look back on our lives and see what we have overcome.
Try to look at the entire picture. Then, one step at the time, make a plan to work through this difficult problem.
Wishing you peace.
yes to everything.
my purpose to come here was to find out how to deal with a difficult situation as opposed to get rid of her. It’s not like it happens constantly. It’s like a child who has tantrums. We can’t rid of them. We need to learn to deal with them and ease them out of it. With dementia as you all know, the patient has no clue as to what they are doing.. or saying or where they are going. Having said that no one said it is easy …. and yes without constant support and discussions and awareness and education and kindness, we would have very many lonely sick people.
divorce is not even a thought. I love my husband and he me.. he’s stuck in a difficult place to care for his mom. What can one say to someone who has no clue as to what you are saying?
i came here to ask for help on how to deal with the situation and to see if dementia causes a bipolar like symptoms. ( by asking if dementia patients act differently with different people)
As much as I don’t want my children to see their mom doing this, I also want them to see that when you have an opportunity to do good then do it.. give benefit of the doubt. But we are all human.. a little love and compassion goes a long way. Which one of us will actually go out and care for someone without pay? I wouldn’t. But when life gives you lemons.. yes it’s hell squeezing the juice to make lemonade but there are valuable lessons to learn along the way.
No one said life was easy. But with compassion and support ( from those like you) it makes things bearable and yes @margaretmcken, changing things when possible. One step at a time.
thank you all and especially @graygrammie for the advise. Something worth looking into.
i also want to reassure you all not to worry about any harm coming to me or my children. I will NOT stand for it and know where to draw the line. As I said before, we always discuss these and other issues and work to make it easier on all of us.
love you all for your support!💕
working on making things better 🤞
I just did a quick search and found that there are many nursing homes geared toward Muslims here in the US, so they do exist. But I don't know if you are in the states. Please do a little research and see if there is anything near you. If you can find a nursing home that serves those of the Muslim faith, then that is evidence that cuturally there are other options besides living in your home for mil and something that you need to ask your husband to consider.
Do you really want this ‘culture’ to be entrenched? Do you want to see your daughters in a marriage like this, with a MIL like this? Or your sons with marriages that fail because of their expectations? My guess is that you don't want this. Change for you is one way to change it for them as well.
“Unfortunately, separation is not possible”. Oh yes it is. You must have changed many ‘cultural’ things since coming to the USA, and you can change this one too. If M can’t afford care, you need to investigate M’s ability to access Medicare. You shouldn’t try to live like a down-trodden peasant wife/servant from two centuries ago. Times are probably changing in your original ‘culture’ as well.
For your interest, Australia had a wave of migration from Poland post WWII, then nothing for many years until the fall of the Iron Curtain. The ‘New Poles’ couldn’t believe how old-fashioned the ‘Old Poles’ were in their family habits. Times change!
I don’t care if it’s traditional.
I don’t care if everyone for generations before you did it.
Culture, tradition and expectation can sometimes be nothing more than excuses to allow abuse to continue.
Be the one who stands up to it.
I walked this minefield and now my family is so much more relaxed, so much happier. Children must feel safe at home. And they are supposed to be able to trust their parents to provide that safe environment.
You are teaching your children that they cannot trust you to keep them safe. Safe from emotional abuse. Not all abuse is physical. Read this to your husband. And get her out. She has already harmed your kids.
mil has never been physically aggressive .. so physical harm is not of concern. And yes I hope the kids have not internalized these feelings. We talk about things often and they know to speak up and talk to me. But it is quite possible that they will hold this in.
unfortunately life is not fair and the earlier they learn the lesson the better BUT yes as a parent I am responsible for them and I need to teach them but keep them safe at the same time. As I said .. a balancing act!
I now have a paid psw coming in for some respite care on occasion So that is helpful
I have been in your shoes. My mom lived with us for many years. I know firsthand how challenging it is to be a caregiver and a parent to children. I have two daughters.
The major issue that we don’t have in common is that my mother was never abusive to our children. If she had been, I would have never allowed her to live in our home.
My mother adored all of her grandchildren and they loved her.
Abuse is abuse, emotional abuse is equally as harmful as physical abuse. It’s just a different form of abuse.
It doesn’t matter whether your mother in law has dementia and the abuse isn’t intentional, because the abuse is still occurring. Not only that, it can escalate and do more harm.
Communication with your children will only go so far, because actions speak louder than words.
I commend you for recognizing that this is a problem and reaching out to this forum.
I am not trying to be harsh. I only want you to realize how damaging this situation is for your children.
You’re an adult and think and feel like an adult. I realize that this is difficult for you too.
Since this is a cultural issue, it wouldn’t do much good for you to speak with your husband. What a shame.
Have you considered divorce as an option? Do you have a way to support yourself and your children?
Do you live in the United States or another country?
Your children are young and don’t have the ability to understand the complexity of this situation.
Did you experience a similar situation when you were young? If so, how did you feel? Wouldn’t you want someone to stand up for you?
I am glad that you have some help to assist you with your mother in law.
Who cares "why" she is this way, she IS, and nothing is being done to protect your children. Of course it's "hard on them"! Why is MIL getting preferential treatment over your own kids? This makes no sense to me.
It takes one moment for a demented elder to raise their hand to hit or punch a child. Violence and anger is a well known side effect of dementia, yet you have no fear of MIL harming the kids? Elders with dementia have committed murder of their own spouse, even!
Why do think the other "daughters but no one willing to keep her long term?" Because they won't expose themselves and their children to the toxicity of the woman, and rightly so.
You and your husband need to seriously rethink what's best for your KIDS now, not your MIL. She'll be fine in a SNF paid for by Medicaid. I guarantee you she'll be very nice to the staff, she just reserves her wrath for those that she's closest to.
You'll have a tough time finding support here for putting your kids in the line of fire all these years, I'm sorry to say. We recognize the need to protect ourselves and our children from living with toxic and mean elders, few of us will stand for it. I grew up in a toxic home like this and always had a stomach ache and anxiety issues. And a "strained" relationship for life with my mother for subjecting me to a rotten childhood. #Truth
Good luck not just "saying what I need to" but DOING what you need to.
Thank you for all your comments and care.
unfortunately, separation is not possible. She lives with us. It’s always been this way. She has other daughters but no one willing to keep her long term. And senior home care is not even an option.
so for the most part she is not alone with the children ( my youngest is 8 now) and is not afraid to respond or say he doesn’t like her. But there is a fine line btn manners and respect to the elderly as well. So a balancing act.
The other family members don’t believe us as she is never like that wiyh them and they have ‘never’ heard her speak like that before. So she ‘can’t’ be that mean.
Anyway. There is no fear of harming the kids. They are never alone with her for a period of time. My oldest is 20 but has unfortunately grown up with not being liked and now doesn’t like her gran , naturally. I didn’t know better as a young mom and couldn’t stand up when my daughter was little. But now I do say what I need to.
I just needed thoughts and some support. Thank you for that. I have learnt to cope and make myself understand and make the kids understand too that she’s sick and doesn’t know what she’s saying. Now they see it as her disease has progressed.
Let’s hope that they aren’t internalizing their feelings.
Kids don’t always have the language to express their feelings and they hold everything inside.
They see and hear more than you think they do and will remember it,
What is blocking you from placing her in a facility?
I wish your family well.
And they take everything out on you. The rest of the family she sees in a different light, so they don't see what you see.
Unfortunately it makes caregiving harder. And this is all normal
Thank you for all your comments and care.
unfortunately, separation is not possible. She lives with us. It’s always been this way. She has other daughters but no one willing to keep her long term. And senior home care is not even an option.
so for the most part she is not alone with the children ( my youngest is 8 now) and is not afraid to respond or say he doesn’t like her.
The other family members don’t believe us as she is never like that wiyh them and they have ‘never’ heard her speak like that before. So she ‘can’t’ be that mean.
Anyway. There is no fear of harming the kids. They are never alone with her for a period of time. My oldest is 20 but has unfortunately grown up with not being liked and now doesn’t like her gran , naturally. I didn’t know better as a young mom and couldn’t stand up when my daughter was little. But now I do say what I need to.
I just needed thoughts and some support. Thank you for that.
Doesn’t matter if she has dementia; she is saying hurtful things. Don’t expect the kids to shrug it off.
Think about it.
You act differently to your wife than to your boss.
You act differently to your friend than to your wife or your boss.
You act differently to you child than to your wife and your boss and your friend.
You act differently to a stranger than to a wife or a child or a boss or a friend.
You act differently to a worker than to a stranger or a wife or a child or a boss or a friend.
So that's to say in brief that our relationship to any "other" is very complicated and varies greatly, and that's true usually in dementia as well.
None of this is important because the important thing here is that MIL is being abusive to your children and she should not be allowed to see them. I once thought that it would "do the kids good" to know how to handle the question of dementia, abusive folks and so on, and things could be explained to them. Now I think, no, they have a right to protection. You CAN and SHOULD explain that MIL is ill and that this illness affects her brain and she isn't much in control of what she says. But still they need to be protected from abuse by removing them. Your kids are ages 6-18 you tell us. Especially the younger ones can be injured by this vitriol.
If MIL lives with you, that needs to end. You are responsible to your children, not your MIL.
It seems that the ones doing the most and help the most usually get the worst of it. When My sister visit who doesn't help at all mom is all smiles.
For my brother who is poa, when he is around mom showtimes and makes it easier for him to live in denial.
You should absolutely, not let your kids around your Mil. And let us know more so we can give you better advice.
Does she live with you?
How often do you see her?
Wishing you all the luck , getting though this
If she doesn’t like you and your children, stop going to see her. Why would you? Why would she want you to? Certainly stop taking your children around there to hear that she ‘hates them’. Your sisters in law and your husband need to stand up for you and yours, particularly if they want you to continue providing any care.
I used to work as legal associate to a Supreme Court judge, who gave me this memorable advice: “Don’t stick your a**s out to be kicked”. He had a good vocabulary as well as an impressive brain. Don't get 'played'. Eight years is more than enough.
We have a poster on this forum that says the best advice she received from her therapist was, “Never let s shark see you bleed!” Love that too!
Your MIL has a disease but that doesn’t give her a free pass to harm your kids. Separate them, whatever you have to do. She needs professional care, and you and your family need relief.
This is a horrible way to bring up your kids. You have to restore normality to their lives. I hope you do so ASAP.
Regardless of whether your mother in law has dementia or not, your children don’t deserve to be mistreated by her.
Your older children may be old enough to comprehend that their grandmother has a disease, but the younger ones won’t understand it. None of them should have to put up with this kind of behavior. Frankly, nor should you.
Are you her primary caregiver? I am sorry that you are in this situation. Step away from being her caregiver if this has become too much for you to handle.
What does your husband say about how the children are affected by his mom’s behavior?
Wishing you and your family all the best.