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My mother recently spent a month in a nursing facility for PT following a lengthy hospital stay. She was very apprehensive about going. She insisted I be there twice a day, which I was for minimally 2 hrs in the am and 2 hrs in the pm every day. Because I was there so much, I'm pretty confident that the staff was good to her. I knew all their names (as did she) and after she settled in, she seemed happy enough, liked the food and the people. The day she left, I had to wheel her all around to say goodbye to all her favorite people. Since then, she has decided that it was a horrendous experience. Every time she talks about it, the story gets worse. Tonight she told me that the dr. there was overmedicating her and her own doctor was shocked when he discovered what "that doctor" had been doing. She even repeated an entire discussion she supposedly had with her own doctor and how angry he was at her follow up appt after discharge. Thing is, I took her to her family doctor after discharge and it never happened. I specifically discussed the changes in her medications (her HBP meds were increased and a second drug was added). Her doctor said to leave the meds as the nursing facility dr. had prescribed and we'd keep an eye on it. A month later, she was feeling dizzy and we called and cut the HBP meds back to her old dose and kept the other medication. So when she added this new enhancement to her tale of woe, I said, Mom, I think your BP was up while you were IP maybe because you were kind of anxious but Dr. Doe knew that and he was ok with it when we went to see him after discharge. We did ultimately cut it back but we kept the other med Dr Smith started you on. She got very angry so I just backed off but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to handle it. I don't want to make her mad by disagreeing with her, she's almost always mad at me but I also really don't want her to have bad memories of this place in case she needs to go back and the memory just seems to be getting worse and worse as she processes it. How would you handle this?

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It sounds like what she is saying is very real to her. That doesn't mean it matches objective reality, just that she isn't consciously lying. Does she have any dementia? Other mental issues? This sounds like the kind of reinterpretation my bipolar brother would engage in. It would not be unusual in dementia either.

Why is this a continuing topic of conversation? If she starts up on how bad it was at the rehab place, can you just redirect the topic? "So, Mother, I'll bet you are really glad to be back home. Should we see if there are any ripe tomatoes out in the garden?" In other words, instead of agreeing or disagreeing, I think I'd try to change the subject!
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Hey sovertired - your tale reminds me of my middle daughter who so loved the day care she went to while there, and has done nothing but complain about it since - and she's 23!

Perhaps Mom is 'confused', or perhaps she didn't/doesn't want you to feel you CAN leave her anywhere outside of your care. Also, a lot of our elderly are experts at manipulation - especially if they are afraid of being abandoned - and who wouldn't be? Honestly, there were times my mom didn't want to take her prescribed meds and I didn't force her - I would simply tell her that the doc wanted her to take A and B to keep her healthy and he was the expert - usually the next day she would come around. If not, and if she is till competent, it is her decision to go agaist medical advice. Good luck to you.
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I went through something similar with my mom. When Mom went into the nursing home for rehab, she tried to leave, and the staff had to put her back in bed. Mom said that the aides "threw" her on the bed. I was sure that that was not the case, but in my mother's mind that was what happened. I did not disagree with her. I just said "I'm sorry that happened to you." My mom has dementia, and she comes up with a lot of very strange things. I have learned not to argue. I just listen, and eventually she'll move on to something else. My doctor said is is pointless to argue with dementia patients. I don't know if your mom has dementia or not, but even if she does not, it might be best to just let her rant. Then you could confer privately with the health professionals that you suspect she isn't viewing things realistically. In the event she would need to go back into skilled care, perhaps you could choose a different one if she is really resistent.
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It really is a good idea to be present because even the best places are under staffed. My Mom was in rehab for 2 weeks.This place was very nice and Mom got a lot out of the PT, but they did overmedicate her for a shoulder injury. She is petite and I told the doc that she rarely takes pain meds, but he gave her Vicoden anyway.
When she started hallucinating, I tracked down the doc who made an off-the-cuff diagnosis of "Alzheimers" which she does not have. I asked him if it might be the pain meds and suggested that he take her off and give her a non-narcotic. You have to be vigilant.
The doc also wanted to "rearrange" her other, daily meds. I asked that they leave them alone until she could see her regular doc.
The BP issue could have caused all of your Mom's issues when she was in the nursing facility. But, always listen...somewhere between your Mom and the docs is the truth.
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Taking care of the elderly is like having little ones all over again. From diapers to 'stories' to not wanting to eat or take meds ! As their children, we are used to taking orders from THEM. The tables are turned, and now WE are in charge. However, it's still difficult to take the upper hand at times. I've begun to look at it all as a 'mourning' process. Everything that happens is preparing us for the inevitable. It doesn't make it any easier. We're slowly losing them... Some of them become very gentle and loving. Others lash out and fight it all the way.
I know when you come onto this site, and see that you aren't the only one going thru all this, it DOES give some comfort.

Reach out when you need to.
Avoid arguements, change the subject, and smile a lot thru gritted teeth ! lol !
And remember, you are NOT alone.
We're all gonna have good days and bad days........
Try to keep a sense of humor.... (I call OUR house the ''7th Ring of the Inner Circle of Helllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll............ lol !!!!)

btw.... my mother is turning 92 this month, demensia, heart issues, arthritis, uses walker (after many falls with cane and convincing her if she falls and breaks her hip, she'll be hospitalized for quite awhile...), history of stroke, and now fast onset of Parkinson's......

TAKE GOOD CARE.....
XO
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Leanne was pretty much right on with her suggestion to try to change the subject whenever your mother begins being negative about the facility. My mother is currently in a nice rehab. hospital following a mild stroke, and I visit her twice a day. She needs the rehab.so bringing her home early is out of the question - she can't do anything for herself right now, including getting out of bed and to the bathroom, and I work full-time. Every day when I get there she mentions how much she wants to go home, how much she hates it there, but when I question her why there are never any real specifics. It's mostly being afraid that she will be left there, even though I have reassured her over and over that it is a rehab. facility only, and they will not keep her - she will come home at the end of her rehab. Then she will turn right around and get angry at me for asking her if she needs anything, or try to assit her. She tried telling me they wouldn't let her use the phone, so I had them reassure that she could. Then she said they wouldn't let her go outside, so I had them explain to her that no, she could not go out by herself, but could go out if someone took her. Of course, I had to explain that the nurses and techs there do not have time to do that, they're understaffed as it is. The next complaint was that she wasn't getting her meds. When I mentioned to her that they have them listed in a ledger, and check them off as they dispurse them, she changed her story. A big part of it is manipulation . . . trying to make you feel they're being mistreated so you'll take them home. But definitely keep your eyes and ears open, visit at different times, without letting them know ahead of time, just ot be on the safe side.
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They will say and do just about anything to get out of there!!!! My mom has sabbotaged herself from 2 longterm hospitals because she is quote: diffulcult. Of course they told us she didn't meet criterea, but we know the truth. She also said things to us how "cruel" they are treating her.

Do the invenstigating for yourself. See if there is any merit to her claims. If she says the doctor over medicated her ask to speak to the doctors ... A family member has that right. And if what she is doing is overfabricating the situation try to alleviate her fears. Talk nice to her and never say she is making it up. Tell her you talked to the doctor and that she was misinformed, then tell her what really happened.
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Thanks for all the reponses, I do love this site and gathering perspective and support from you all. I just let it go when she says something now. I am confident that she was neither mistreated or overmedicated during her stay because I was there so much and also because she really does understand her medications well. I think it was a huge event for her because at her age, admitted so weak she was unable to stand or walk, we both had concerns of whether she would be able to leave at all. So I think she is just processing those memories. (She has been out of the nursing home and in her own home again for several months now). I just wish she had a better perspective of her time there in case she has to go back at some point but she typically chooses negative (and victimized) thoughts over positive on many things now. I used to think I could influence more positive thoughts but now this seems to just make her argumentative. I don't validate the negativity, though, I say something neutral like that was a hard for you being so sick but you're home now. Communication is difficult on many levels and I'm learning that are now a lot of limits in interacting with her. I think she is cognitively in good shape, I would not say she has dementia except maybe very early stage. But she has one very self focused version of reality on many things, she's very negative, she's very stubborn and resistant. Most of the time, I just have to practice being empathetic yet neutral.
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ALL prescribed drugs come with some very serious side effects, even high blood pressure drugs which is why I never assume that they are safe for my mom even though the doctor prescribed them. In fact, doctors should always start off with the lowest dose possible on elderly patients and should always always try their best to NEVER increase the dose. Elderly patients don't do well with too much drugs in their bodies. As a caregiver and advocate for my mom, I am constantly reading up on the drugs that my mom is taking and always cognizant of side effects and how the drug is affecting her. I don't believe that anyone should be taking a drug "for the rest of their lives" and I do believe there are natural alternatives to drugs. The real unfortunate part is that MOST doctors only know how to push drugs and hate it when you ask for a natural alternative but to me, the less drugs my mom is on, the better she feels. Do your research on both the HBP drug and the second drug. Do your research on natural alternatives. Question the doctor on whether these drugs are right for her. Also consider having your mom see a naturalpathic doctor. Also remember, according to the Starfield Study published in JAMA (2000), the medical system (specifically doctors) are the 3rd leading cause of death.
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How do you know they are just stories about the nursing home??? My mother was being abused by another patient but was a afraid to speak up...I finally figured it out myself when my mother wanted to come and live with me. When I would call her at the home she would say she did not like it there and wished she were dead and I would drive a thousand miles to try and straighten it out...only to find that once I arrived and confronted the nurses and the room mate would always be there ...my mother would say she loved it. Then I finally opened my eyes and began just kind of look around. I noticed that the room mate had most of the room and the bathroom only her robe, etc. and the closet ..my mother had about one foot of space and the room mate about five feet of space. One thing led to another I found that my mother was even afraid to get up at night to go to the bath room because she could not see without the light and if she turned the light on the room mate would get upset. So my poor mother lived in fear for a whole year before she had them call me and when I got on the phone and she said she wanted to live with me I knew there had to be something going on! That when I decided to take her out the home and thank God while I was there was able to see what had been happening and who knows what else. It wasn't like she was not having visitors because the family up there was visiting her on a couple of times on a weekly basis. I feel that the visitation should be daily. Good luck to you and many blessings. Caregiving is a difficult job and I hope you are not forgetting to take care of 'You" ~ Hugs - Bobbi
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